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14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 11th 04, 02:46 PM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere. Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister (I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A &
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I &
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see. He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on (but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words &
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence) &
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back) is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME (remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her &
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
....those who understand binary & those who dont.


  #2  
Old March 11th 04, 03:10 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A

&
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I

&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk

of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words

&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence)

&
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me

to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her

&
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
...those who understand binary & those who dont.



Wow....

That is commendable that you are taking care of your sister. I am going to
leave the issues about getting evidence against the boyfriend to others who
may have dealt with the police in something like this. I will suggest that
its likely even if you do get this boyfriend put away, there will just be
another one to fill his void. This 14 year old has many issues going on.
Abuse? Neglect? A father that doesn't care, ect. She is only 14 but it
sounds as though she has WAY to much freedom. Kids will do bad things if
they have to much free time. I image you are working, as most of us have to
do and that it makes it hard for you to be with her all the time. First, she
needs to be seeing someone professional. She is drinking, doing drugs and I
hate to say this, I would bet it all she is having sex. Second, get her
involved in some positive activities. Sports, community stuff, anything that
is around there. Third, I know we are need a break but you are leaving for
spring break when you know that she is going to go wild. You took the parent
role, its a full time job.

Tiffany


  #3  
Old March 11th 04, 05:02 PM
Lisa
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A

&
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I

&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk

of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words

&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence)

&
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me

to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her

&
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
...those who understand binary & those who dont.



Holy crap. I have to wonder what's with this 19 yr old that he would be
interested in a 14 yr old girl?? Talk about a predator. I see that you
have tried a number of ways to confront this, without mention of the
obvious. Have you had discussions with this guy letting him know that you
do not want him seeing your sister? That it's totally inappropriate? She's
just a kid? A discussion, that is clearly being held from the perspective
of legal guardian, not "overprotective" brother.

Additionally, if it's not absolutely necessary for you to go on this trip,
maybe you could rethink how wise it is to go away at this time. I
understand how everyone needs a break, but, right now your sister needs a
parent, which is you for the time being.

I really commend you, by the way for stepping up to the plate like you have.
Good luck.

Lisa


  #4  
Old March 11th 04, 06:43 PM
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Daniel" wrote in message ...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

snip


Wow. This hits me damn close to home. Reading this, I honestly saw myself
in a lot of it. To be completely honest, I can really say, "Been there,
done that!"

I was 15. I had a "boyfriend" who was 20, but had the mentality of a 13
year old, I see now. He was slow, stupid, had no ambition, no job, no home
aside from living off his 18 year old brother, who was also trying to
support their mother and a cousin of about the same age. I got into
'hanging' out with him, and his brother/cousin, and next thing I knew, I was
15 years old, pregnant, and even before they knew I was pregnant, I was
already on bad terms with them. My grades in school dropped because I had
just stopped going to school all together, just to go hang out at his trashy
little apartment. I now see everything had broken my parents' (and
family's) heart to have to go through it all, and all because of me. If
what you say is really how everything is, I can GUARANTEE you that she's
going to end up pregnant, and where do you think Mr. Wonderful will be?
He'll move on. If he shows such little respect for his own parents, and
your sister right now, when the **** hits the fan, he'll be gone faster than
a fart in the wind.

This child, and yes, she is still a child, needs to know that you do love
her. She needs to be shown that you love her and care for her and don't
want to hurt her. You need to enforce rules and yes, structure. This is
YOUR house that she is living in. YOU make the rules. You are not her
father, and you aren't expected to be, but you just might be the best male
role model she's ever had and maybe ever will have. You have taken on the
parenting roll of your sister, and for that, I'd give you a pat on the back
and my best wishes because I know it's hard. You need to be cutting that
Internet, or putting limits on it. There's many, MANY programs for all
platforms and computers that will allow you to lock up your computer, and
putting a password on your screen saver is useless because a quick reboot
will disable that. Lock unauthorized users out of your system because it's
your computer, your Internet, your power, your home, YOUR RULES. Limit her
time on the telephone, and monitor her calls if you can. Sit beside her in
the same room and read a book while she's on the phone if you must, but
don't make it obvious that you're actually 'watching' her, if you can.
She'll give you looks of death the whole time, but looks can't kill. Set
concrete rules, and let all rules have consequences, both 'good' and 'bad.'
If she doesn't want to live by your rules, then that's too bad for her.

Here, the age of consent is 14. I believe there's also x amount of years
difference for minors, but I'm not 100% sure. Does she pay rent? Bills?
Maybe she can get a job to fill some time, although I know that's an
impossible thought. I honestly don't know what to suggest because I was on
her side at that age, not yours. Send her to me for a month and she can
find out what the reality is of being a single, teen parent, and having 2
babies long before her 18th birthday.

There's a lot you can use to fill up her time, like said before, sports
teams, music lessons, teen church groups, rehab, since that's something she
just might need, and if not right now, almost definitely in the near future
if she keeps being so wild and a danger to herself, mainly, and those who
actually do love her and care for her, and really, this little boyfriend of
hers does not appear to actually care for her.

I don't know. If anyone wants to flame, flame away. I've been through the
EXACT same thing, as the wild teen, so I can definitely relate on a very
high level, but as far as suggestions go, I'm all out of them.
How about the time you are going to be away (although I'm not sure why you'd
go away, unless, of course, it is absolutely necessary) you can ship her off
to me and she can have a small taste of what could be reality. lol (j/k)

--
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet?


  #5  
Old March 11th 04, 08:38 PM
V
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend


"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words &
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence)


go to someone higher up, through the chain and do not take no for an answer.
It does not sound like this boy is a good influence on her. I would stay on
her like smell on poop!
V




  #6  
Old March 11th 04, 09:23 PM
P.Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

I agree with most everything everyone said. But one thing to understand is
that her behavior is not that unusual for a girl of that age in that
situation. Without a father in their lives, girls of that age will latch
onto the first 'father figure' that shows them any attention, and will use
sex to keep the attention. Best of luck in trying to straighten the
situation out.

If it were me, I'd buy a large baseball bat and let a certian 19 y.o. I was
not afraid to use it on a few delicate body parts. :-)

"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy & soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down (A

&
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I

&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk

of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words

&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for evidence)

&
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me

to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support her

&
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
...those who understand binary & those who dont.




  #7  
Old March 11th 04, 10:11 PM
John Dunn
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

THis is a tricky subject for sure...

I think a good test you could try is this. Since you are already above being
honest by using spyware etc, why not invite the guy over, or call him, or
Message/Email him, and honestly try to convince him that she tested positive
for pregnancy. See what this guy is really made of. Even start a rumour that
she is pregnant in town. This if anything will make the guy think twice..
maybe even scare him. You could tell him that you know her very well and she
has put holes in condomes of previous boyfriends to get pregnant so she can
have someone to love her. That should scare him but good! So much so that he
might even have problems getting it up! (Sarcasm aside)...

Also, why not tell the truth to your sister. You are all worried about her
lying to you, yet you are lying to her about surveilence. Tell her that you
have have this software installed as it is an invasion of her privacy for
you not to. I know you are going to be upset, but please take five seconds
to breath, then read the next line.

What would you feel like if you found out someone was using a surveilence
software on you without first notifying you?

I do not support predators etc, and as someone said, including the police,
she is initiating most of this, so instead of being adversarial, why not
instead, try to talk nicely to her about it. Why not try to find out why she
likes this guy, How did they meet? Are they in school together? He could be
an adult student returning to highschool or something like that, but I am
just saying that maybe with a different approach of kindness rather than
lying, deciept and control, you can maybe just be kind of cool with her
instead, and ask for forgivness if you have been dominating her, and just
chat with her as a sibling.

Maybe inform her of the ramifications that can legally happen to you, and
even emotionally why you are concerned. She is your little sister and you
love her. Tell her that. Let her know, that you are honestly worried, get a
video, a real video not a movie, from an adoption agency which kids who have
had kids talk about having to give up her kid for adoption. There are so
many ways to do it aside from devieving her.

At her age, she is going to do what ever she wants. This is only natural.
You can not stop her from it all the time, so by providing her with some
education, and friendship instead of heavy handedness, you can hopefully
also maybe improve your own relationship with your sister, who is your
sister for life. So hopefully you can work something out.

My final suggestion, and a very serious one, is to print this email, or
select portions of it if you prefer to keep the surveilence software part
hidden from her (I don't condone that) and cut and paste a letter as If you
were asking for advice and you got it, then accidentally leave it in her
bathroom or on the table or in the living room.

Let her see you are worreid about her and actively asking for help. In your
letter, write how much you love her and are worried about her so she can see
it on her own terms, without her having to worry about saving face... or you
know what I mean..

John Dunn


  #8  
Old March 12th 04, 02:05 AM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her

domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't

really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father

only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being

around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy &

soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down

(A
&
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test

from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't

surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew

I
&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible

talk
of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top

of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't

feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I

had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the

police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code

words
&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for

evidence)
&
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't

care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off

about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince

me
to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The

only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to

catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that

I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my

problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support

her
&
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
...those who understand binary & those who dont.



Wow....

That is commendable that you are taking care of your sister. I am going to
leave the issues about getting evidence against the boyfriend to others

who
may have dealt with the police in something like this. I will suggest that
its likely even if you do get this boyfriend put away, there will just be
another one to fill his void. This 14 year old has many issues going on.
Abuse? Neglect? A father that doesn't care, ect. She is only 14 but it
sounds as though she has WAY to much freedom. Kids will do bad things if
they have to much free time. I image you are working, as most of us have

to
do and that it makes it hard for you to be with her all the time. First,

she
needs to be seeing someone professional. She is drinking, doing drugs and

I
hate to say this, I would bet it all she is having sex. Second, get her
involved in some positive activities. Sports, community stuff, anything

that
is around there. Third, I know we are need a break but you are leaving for
spring break when you know that she is going to go wild. You took the

parent
role, its a full time job.

She has had activities in school...she dropped them for him & wont pick up
more. Cancling this trip isn't an option at this point so thats why I've
taken the proper precautions there & she will be watched very closely
(beleive it or not, I HAVE done ALLOT before posting here...this wasn't my
first attempt to get help). Dont take this as a flame any more than your
last sentence was a flame.


  #9  
Old March 12th 04, 02:09 AM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

'Kate wrote in message news
On Thu, 11 Mar 2004 07:46:46 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her

domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't

really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father

only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy &

soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down

(A &
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test

from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't

surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew I

&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible talk

of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I

had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code words

&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for

evidence) &
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince me

to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The

only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that

I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my

problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support

her &
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).


You can do both video surveillance and phone tapping in your own home.

Thanks...though I've figured this...Any ideas on (cheap but working)
options?

They call you overprotective because of what? They are enabling a 19
year old to seduce a 14 year old. That is not support.

Your family needs support but the other adults, parent's friends, etc...
are not the right kind of support. Your sister needs structure and
self-control.

Set concrete rules and stick to them. If she doesn't abide by them,
start taking privileges away. Pull out the phone. Disconnect the
internet. This is your home. She is 14. She does not make the rules.
Waiting for something to happen is being defensive and you need an
offense. If you don't, you can start planning the nursery now 'cause
she will be pregnant within a year. You'll be lucky if she's only
pregnant and not also fighting an addiction.

The only reason I've not done this yet is so that I can have some way to
keep watch over what is going on...I've had her phone suspended at times
which forces her into typing (into a log). The problem is that the one
being controlled actually has the ultimate controll...they can always decide
to go against you, no matter how the consiquences are (even someone being
held at gunpoint has the choice to die)...& if they just dont care (she
doesnt) then how do you handle that one?


  #10  
Old March 12th 04, 02:14 AM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default 14yr old girl, 19yr old boyfriend

"Lisa" wrote in message
.. .

"Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
I'm posting in here because I've not got much (if any) help elsewhere.

Sorry
if this is somewhat long, but allot is going on.

This past September I had to take guardianship of my 14 yr. old sister

(I'm
24 now, 9yrs 2months older) after a police raid (responded to her

domestic
violence call for the boyfriend abusing our mother & found allot of

drugs).
Either I took her or DHS would (having grown up in that one myself, I

didn't
want that to happen to her). We've only met up in 1998, then didn't

really
see each other until end of 2000, & didn't spend allot of time together
until mid 2002, followed by her staying with a friend & myself in summer
2003 (before the 9-2003 raid). She hardly talks to her mom (who chose to
live with her boyfriend rather than try to get her back) & her father

only
shows up around holidays to pay her, say he's sorry for not being

around,
make more promises he has no intention of keeping, then leave until next
time. There is no other family other than 1 of our other 2 sisters that

she
talks to.

Everything was fine at first & we moved into a mobile home I'd bought in
October 2003. In early January, she started seeing a 19.5yr old boy &

soon
classified themselves as "dating". Since then her grades have went down

(A
&
B to few Cs & an F on a recent progress report, due to missing a test

from
skipping school to be with him), she's been going behind my back on

anything
related to him. They're kissing, not sure about sex yet, wouldn't

surprise
me either way though, he even pierced her upper ear, something she knew

I
&
her mom were OK with IF SHE GOT IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, now possible

talk
of
a tattoo though may not be in a place I'd have non-spying reason to see.

He
used to spend allot of time over here until I caught her laying on top

of
him & made the rule that she keep the bedroom door open, now if I'm gone
he's over, if I'm here she's gone (she claims its because he doesn't

feel
welcome, but I noticed the change when I started enforcing the rule).

I've been logging her MS Instant Messenger chats, now installed a
key-logger, & want to do more. I know from this what has been going on

(but
she's recently turned to phone only, hardly chat). In early February I

had
evidence to show that he's supplied her with drugs (think only marijuana

so
far, which she's already had), cigarettes, he has access to alcohol (his
father allows), & they talked about her giving him a lap dance, then
showering together for valentines day. I took this chat log to the

police
(he's 19, she's 14), but they gave the usual "blow-off" response & said

that
since they didn't come right out & say what was going on (used code

words
&
phrases, which though are obvious, I guess you need non-code for

evidence)
&
since she was pushing it, even though he was agreeing to it & suggesting

it
sometimes, they said SHE had to file the report against him (even though

I'm
her guardian). I couldn't even get a protective order against him. Also

his
parents both know about her age & their relationship, but they don't

care
(I've got chat log to show he controls them, tells them to back off

about
it).

I'm going away this next week (spring break), she'll "be with friend",
though I've got more log to suggest otherwise. She's tried to convince

me
to
let her stay over at his place, claims his mom asked (was more likely

forced
into being willing), & claims that she'll be on the couch (we all know
better).

I'm looking for hardware or software or other surveillance ideas. The

only
way this will work (without causing her to go completely behind my back)

is
if I can push this far enough to put him away, take some severe action
against his parents for allowing things to continue IN THEIR HOME

(remember,
the cops say my chat logs aren't enough to press charges, I have to

catch
them in the act & still may need evidence)...basically it's either
everything or nothing. (talking does not work, he's convinced her that

I'm
just an over protective brother...most adults think otherwise & my

problem
is that all adults she knows other than myself & my girlfriend support

her
&
what he's getting her into...so I've got ALLOT against me in this area).

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
...those who understand binary & those who dont.



Holy crap. I have to wonder what's with this 19 yr old that he would be
interested in a 14 yr old girl?? Talk about a predator. I see that you
have tried a number of ways to confront this, without mention of the
obvious. Have you had discussions with this guy letting him know that you
do not want him seeing your sister? That it's totally inappropriate?

She's
just a kid? A discussion, that is clearly being held from the perspective
of legal guardian, not "overprotective" brother.

Exactly...(Though seems how when you ask for assistance after trying many
things, many people assume you've done nothing & come running for help
first.)

Additionally, if it's not absolutely necessary for you to go on this trip,
maybe you could rethink how wise it is to go away at this time. I
understand how everyone needs a break, but, right now your sister needs a
parent, which is you for the time being.

I do have to go...so I did think things out & have taken the proper
precautions...for example, calling at random to the parent's phone lines
(you know there are public databases to look up area code & prefix to see
the provider...so I know if its a cell phone or not), plus having my
girlfriend's sister check in on her at random too. She IS being watched...I
fully expect her to try a few things.

I really commend you, by the way for stepping up to the plate like you

have.
Good luck.

Its either me or a shelter which she'd run from & not get any education even
if she was in it. There is ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM for kids her age in the
foster care system here...thats the reason they jumped at the chance to give
her to me. Took them less than 24 hrs to finalize.

Lisa




 




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