Need help with Toddler!!!

Hello, I'm new here and wanted to see if anyone had some advise. I have a
25 month old & a 9 month old, both boys. My toddler is anything but
cooperative and although I know this is "age appropriate", it doesn't make
it any easier. He runs in the opposite direction when I'm calling his
name, diaper changing is horrific for all involved, he kicks & is now
hitting when trying to change the diaper. I've tried restriction but how
much time can he actually spend in his playpen in a day? Then there's my
9 month old, I feel as though I'm not spending as much time with him
because I'm tending to Michael. I feel guilty! Any advise?

"stayinhomemom" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello, I'm new here and wanted to see if anyone had some advise. I have
a
25 month old & a 9 month old, both boys. My toddler is anything but
cooperative and although I know this is "age appropriate", it doesn't make
it any easier. He runs in the opposite direction when I'm calling his
name, diaper changing is horrific for all involved, he kicks & is now
hitting when trying to change the diaper. I've tried restriction but how
much time can he actually spend in his playpen in a day? Then there's my
9 month old, I feel as though I'm not spending as much time with him
because I'm tending to Michael. I feel guilty! Any advise?


I have this problem. I find things are much easier if I don't do too much
punishment or confrontations. I mainly use a carrot and stick approach.
Just little things. DS likes to do things on his own, so that helps. To
get ready in the morning, I tell him to go potty so he can spit (he likes to
spit after brushing his teeth). To wash hands, we make it a competition (My
turn! My turn!). To get his socks on, I tell him he needs to do it so we
can go in the car. To get in the carseat, I tell him to do it so he can put
the seatbelt on. He really hates it when I take over to put on his shoes or
whatever, so it's a good threat when I'm in a hurry. He needs to put on his
shoes by the time I count to 5 or else I'll do it. Just keeps him from
dawdling.

If DS runs in the opposite direction when I call him, I would take off
without him. He would inevitably come after me. If it's important, like a
parking lot, he would be in a stroller or on a harness. When diapering was
a problem, we turned it into a game. The hitting was the only thing I ever
punished DS for. He had to sit near the fireplace.

I put DS in daycare so I can give the little one more one on one time. It's
not as much time as DS got, but she will never get that. At any rate, he
loves daycare. I sometimes give him the choice of daycare or hang out with
Mommy and he chooses daycare.

On Mon, 03 May 2004 14:03:36 -0400, "stayinhomemom"
wrote:

Hello, I'm new here and wanted to see if anyone
had some advise. I have a 25 month old & a
9 month old, both boys. My toddler is anything but
cooperative and although I know this is "age appropriate",
it doesn't make it any easier. He runs in the opposite
direction when I'm calling his name, diaper changing is
horrific for all involved, he kicks & is now hitting when
trying to change the diaper. I've tried restriction but how
much time can he actually spend in his playpen in a day?
Then there's my 9 month old, I feel as though I'm not
spending as much time with him because I'm tending to
Michael. I feel guilty! Any advise?

Don't feel too guilty, but if you can afford it, try getting a
mother's helper to come in for the summer at least.

Does Michael nap? Is the baby napping at the same
time?

At 25 months, your toddler should not be restricted
except briefly when safety is an issue. I am sure this
is difficult, but childproof your house or at least the
rooms where Michael can play. Gate off the kitchen
or stairways if necessary but make sure there is a
large area that he can play safely in.

Positive parenting is a lot of work, but your son will be
much more cooperative if you:

give him choices between two or three acceptable
alternatives whenever you can.

let him do things for himself even if it takes more time.
For example, teach him the *magic flip* for putting on
his jacket - put the collar (or hood) by your toes, put
your hands in the holes and flip the jacket over your
head - you probably will have to demonstrate several
times, but kids *love* this.

warn him about transitions. Use a kitchen timer or
a song or counting to 20 or anything that gives an
objective amount of time before the transition. Let him
finish his puzzle or drawing or block creation before
you leave if you can do it.

get some relief for yourself. Have his dad take over
sometimes or get a babysitter. You might even want
to join a babysitting co-op. Believe it or not - 2 children
of 2 with the baby are often easier because the two
toddlers will amuse each other.

Good luck.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

he does do things on his own. This is not the problem. The problem is his
listening. I think I may need to get a harness and just say "to heck what
people think". He really likes to walk & hold my hand but at times he'll
let go and when I tell him to hold my hand he'll shake his head & say no.
I have a huge room that is child proofed for him & soon his little brother
which is really helpful but for instance today while I was feeding my baby
Michael decided to climb up onto the sofa, lean over and try to turn a
floor lamp on. I told him 3 times to please get down but he absolutely
wouldn't. So then I had to get up with baby in arms, lean over and pick up
a kicking toddler and put him into his playpen for a 5 minute time out. I
try so hard to use possitive reinforcement. I took him to a play area at
McDonalds this afternoon, had baby in arms & when it was time to go he
absolutely wouldn't come to me, wouldn't put on his shoes and it was a 1/2
hour ordeal since I couldn't put Connor down (he doesn't sit up on his own
yet.). It was really my fault because I should have brought the stroller
in with me but it was pouring rain, etc. etc.

I can't tell if you are answering me or someone else since you didn't
leave in anything of the post you answered here.

However, I will answer anyway. Read in below.

On Mon, 03 May 2004 18:29:51 -0400, "stayinhomemom"
wrote:

he does do things on his own. This is not the problem.

That's good. You sound very overwhelmed and I don't
blame you. Your children are very close in age. It will get
better as they get older, honest.

The problem is his listening.

He's two. Listening is not a strong point at this age. However,
there are some things you can do that will help with listening.

Don't say *no* or *don't* or *stop.* Say *yes* or
*do* or *go.* Toddlers are not good at hearing negatives.
Say *please walk* rather than *don't run.*

Say *let's skip together* rather than *come here.* Try to
make things a game as much as possible.

Plan ahead. Bring a stroller you can put the baby
into. Try to put the baby down on his tummy on a blanket.
Use a baby bjorn or back pack for the baby so you have
your hands free to play with and go get your toddler.

I think I may need to get a harness and just say "to heck
what people think". He really likes to walk & hold my hand
but at times he'll let go and when I tell him to hold my hand
he'll shake his head & say no.

There is nothing wrong with doing this at this age and with
the fact that you have another baby you must deal with who
is so young.

I have a huge room that is child proofed for him & soon his
little brother which is really helpful but for instance today
while I was feeding my baby Michael decided to climb up
onto the sofa, lean over and try to turn a floor lamp on.

Can he turn it on by himself? If so, no harm, no foul. Is the
lamp stable enough that he cannot knock it over? If so,
then ignore his attempt to turn it on and don't worry so
much. If not, then perhaps you need to put the lamp in
another location where he cannot climb and reach it or
where it can't be knocked over, perhaps blocked by
something heavy that will keep it from falling.

I told him 3 times to please get down but he absolutely
wouldn't.

This is a mistake. Never tell a child more than once.
Children learn mother-deafness that way.

So then I had to get up with baby in arms, lean over
and pick up a kicking toddler and put him into his
playpen for a 5 minute time out.

Put the baby down on his tummy or propped on a pillow
or boppy. Then get him down. I would not put a child
of two in time-out for this. I would get something interesting
he can do while you are feeding his brother. Is there
anything special he likes to do? Perhaps playdoh? You
can put this in the playpen with him while you are feeding
the baby and he can play happily with that. Or perhaps
he likes small cars or trains. Get some that you only take
out when the baby is being fed so he has something really
special to do.

If you are not nursing, let him help feed the baby. If you
are nursing, you can nurse and read a story to both
of them if he likes to cuddle and read.

Take this fwiw, though. Your child may like different things
than I suggest, so you know best what activities to try.

I try so hard to use possitive reinforcement. I took him
to a play area at McDonalds this afternoon, had baby in
arms & when it was time to go he absolutely wouldn't
come to me, wouldn't put on his shoes and it was a 1/2
hour ordeal since I couldn't put Connor down (he doesn't
sit up on his own yet.). It was really my fault because I
should have brought the stroller in with me but it was
pouring rain, etc. etc.

I feel for you, but you already do know that this was poor
planning. Bring something you can put your 9 month old
into. Is he crawling yet? If the stroller is too heavy, what
about bringing a boppy you can prop him on while you
wrestle with the toddler.

Also remember to give your toddler warnings of the transition.
Bring a small kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes when it is
almost time to go. Let him know that when the timer rings,
it's time to go. You still may have to go and get him, the first
few times. Consistency though will conquer this and he will
learn that he has to come when the timer goes off.

Please don't feel so guilty about things. You are doing your
best and this is not easy.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

"stayinhomemom" ) writes:
he does do things on his own. This is not the problem. The problem is his
listening. I think I may need to get a harness and just say "to heck what
people think". He really likes to walk & hold my hand but at times he'll
let go and when I tell him to hold my hand he'll shake his head & say no.

Maybe you already do this, but: at the same time as telling him
to hold your hand, you can mention the dangers. "Hold my hand --
there are some big scary cars coming!" You can show the emotion of fear
while doing this, so it isn't just a boring intellectual
explanation. I find using words like "to keep you safe" has
a good feel to it -- it feels loving as well as conveying a
safety message at the same time. I use a loving, comforting
tone of voice when saying "safe" to a small child.

You can warn him ahead of time: "We're going to be walking
on some streets with lots of cars. You'll have to hold my
hand while we go through those streets, to keep you safe.
When we get to that park on the other side, then you get to
decide whether to hold my hand or not." That way he knows it
isn't forever.

I have a huge room that is child proofed for him & soon his little brother
which is really helpful but for instance today while I was feeding my baby
Michael decided to climb up onto the sofa, lean over and try to turn a
floor lamp on. I told him 3 times to please get down but he absolutely
wouldn't. So then I had to get up with baby in arms, lean over and pick up
a kicking toddler and put him into his playpen for a 5 minute time out.

It takes a lot of willpower to get up while feeding a baby.
One just wants to stay sitting there and cuddling. I think
the hormones of breastfeeding make one relaxed so one just
doesn't want to get up. Nevertheless, it can be done, and
here's a suggestion: I think things will be easier in the
long term if you make the timeout shorter (5 minutes is too
long; I've heard the guideline of 1 minute per year of age;
and this infraction seems more minor than hitting, so maybe
just 1 minute.) Also, I suggest getting up and doing the
timeout after having told him once -- or at most twice.

"Don't lean -- the sofa might fall."
"I told you not to lean. You can be a big boy and
stop by yourself, or you can be stopped by Mummy and
have a timeout." (pause maybe 2 seconds; then walk
over and pick him up and put him in the playpen.)

Maybe that's too many words. "Stop -- or timeout."

You can explain to him that part of your job as a parent
is to help with safety. You can tell him he's learning about
safety, and as he grows up he is able to look after
himself more and more. You can explain that when there's
a safety issue, you need him to do what you say right
away, and that you'll explain afterwards how he might
have gotten hurt.

After an explanation like that, you can let him know
an issue is important by saying:

"Safety issue! Stop leaning!!"

You can get him used to the routine that if you say
"safety issue!" and he hasn't stopped by the time you
get there -- in about a second or two -- he gets a timeout.
A short one, though, I would suggest.

Giving him a long timeout doesn't teach him any more
than a short timeout at that age, I believe. I think
by the end of the timeout he's mostly thinking about
how mad he is at you for giving him a timeout, and
hardly at all about why he's there. It just makes him
more resentful, so he's more likely to misbehave.

If he does stop when you say, you can praise him for
"self-control" or "safety", and proudly explain to him
the danger he saved himself from by acting so fast
as soon as he heard you.

You can try to prevent the situation from coming up
in the first place. Sitting and feeding the baby while
watching the toddler do stuff around the room is a recipe
for that sort of attention-getting misbehaviour.
I know it's hard to avoid!! But use any trick you
can to cut down on the amount of time doing that.

One trick is to pay attention to the toddler with
things like reading a picture-book together, while
feeding the baby. With some imagination, you may be
able to get the toddler thinking "Oh, good -- it's
baby-feeding time! That means Mummy's going to read
me a story/play games with me!" rather than
"Oh, no! baby-feeding time! This is going to be
boring for a while! Why doesn't Mummy pay attention
to me?"

I try so hard to use possitive reinforcement. I took him to a play area at
McDonalds this afternoon, had baby in arms & when it was time to go he
absolutely wouldn't come to me, wouldn't put on his shoes and it was a 1/2
hour ordeal since I couldn't put Connor down (he doesn't sit up on his own
yet.). It was really my fault because I should have brought the stroller
in with me but it was pouring rain, etc. etc.

I don't see why you couldn't put your coat on the floor and lay
the baby on the coat. You could always carry a receiving blanket
for that purpose.

OK -- play areas require planning an exit strategy ahead of time.

Warn him 10 minutes and 2 minutes before it's time to go.
"We're going in 2 minutes!"

I find it helps to use a timer. Then the child has less of a feeling
that the parent is arbitrarily deciding to end their fun at that
moment, and more of a feeling that "it's time to go".

I found it helps to run around for the last 2 minutes.
OK, with a baby you may not be exactly running, but you
can walk around and get involved in the play a bit.
I would say "Oh, no! Only 2 minutes left! Let's have lots
of fun for the last 2 minutes!" and start running around.
Then the kids would run around too, and after 2 minutes
would be out of breath and feeling like leaving after
a grand finale like that wasn't so bad. It helps
demarcate those last 2 minutes so again, the time
of leaving doesn't seem so arbitrary.

It also helps to show that you're sorry to end the
fun. The suggestion above does that in a way that
doesn't detract from the parent's cheerfulness or
authority.

You can indicate the time limit at the beginning:
"Oh, boy! Look at that great play area! There's
enough time for you to have half an hour there before
we have to go home and cook dinner! Quick -- go and
have lots of fun before it's time to go!"
--
Cathy

Catherine Woodgold wrote in message
...
"stayinhomemom" ) writes:
he does do things on his own. This is not the problem. The problem is
his
listening. I think I may need to get a harness and just say "to heck
what
people think". He really likes to walk & hold my hand but at times
he'll
let go and when I tell him to hold my hand he'll shake his head & say
no.

Maybe you already do this, but: at the same time as telling him
to hold your hand, you can mention the dangers. "Hold my hand --
there are some big scary cars coming!" You can show the emotion of fear
while doing this, so it isn't just a boring intellectual
explanation. I find using words like "to keep you safe" has
a good feel to it -- it feels loving as well as conveying a
safety message at the same time. I use a loving, comforting
tone of voice when saying "safe" to a small child.

A 2 year old will have no concept of why a a car is being "scary". What if
you show him how "scary" cars are and then he refuses to travel in them
because he's frightened of them? Also then are you saying if there are no
cars around he can walk across the road on his own?
If you always hold hands across roads then it becomes an automatic reaction.
I tell #1 either she holds my hand or I hold hers. She prefers to be in
control and take my hand rather than me choosing which hand, so that works
for us. Maybe a buggy board which he has to go on across the road would be
another option?
For the OP, I'd suggest she tries to spend time with both of them
separately. I'm sure she does this, but giving individual attention can
help.Sounds like he's a normal 25 month old to me!
Debbie

A game you might be able to play while feeding the baby, so
that sofa/lamp issues and stuff just won't tend to come up.

You'll need as many such games/activities as you can find,
to keep the child interested.

I put it on my web site called "Game for Active Young Child".
Good way for a child to get physical exercise (which improves
their mood as well as their health) without the parent
having to run around too. (Not that exerise isn't important
for the parent too!)

http://www.ncf.ca/~an588/par_home.html my parenting site
http://www.ncf.ca/~an588/par_game.txt the game
--
Cathy

Some ideas:

-- figure out what he doesn't like about the diaper change,
and do it differently. Diaper changes can be slow or fast,
done in a certain place or done by the parent following the
child around while the child continues to play, done with
warm or cold materials, etc. If he has a bit of diaper rash
the whole diaper-change process may be more uncomfortable.

-- A suggestion: you can say something like "Oh, good! I'm
glad that's finished! Now I have some time to pay attention
to you! We'll change your diaper, and then we get to play
until the washing machine is finished running -- and then
I have to hang up the clothes." If he misbehaves during the
diaper change, you can take a step back and say, "Oh, no!
If we take too long with the diaper change we might not
have enough time to play!" You can do it as slowly as necessary.
If he behaves better than
usual, you can say "I think you're getting to be a big
boy -- you're learning self-control! Thanks for your patience --
I know diaper changes are annoying! Now we have some time
to play!"

This method puts you and him on the same side, against
the clock.

-- warn him a few minutes ahead of time that there will
be a diaper change.

-- have him go and get the clean diaper himself (kids
can be proud of jobs like that)

-- talk cheerfully about "a nice clean diaper"

-- during the whole diaper change process, keep talking
in a cheerful way -- maybe reciting nursery rhymes or
telling jokes etc.

-- make up games that can be played while changing the
diaper. They could be some sort of riddles or word
games -- "Can you think of a word that rhymes with rug?"
Keep his mind occupied.

-- you might try toilet training. May be too young.
Some parents let their kid walk around naked in the
house, with potties available nearby, and (after a
few accidents perhaps) the kid learns to pee in the
potty. May be a mistake if he likes being naked but
doesn't learn to pee in the potty. Being naked helps
cure diaper rash.

--
Cathy