Help. Need some advice...Please.

bizby40 wrote:

I hadn't thought so since she wasn't acting out against the baby.
How
bad did it get?

Our older boy is really sweet. He actually like the baby and always
wants to go over and kiss him. His acting out begins with him wanting
my wife to play, sing, or do something with him. When she can't do
it, the acting out escalates without any let up until either she gives
in, or he is in a full blown tantrum.


Also, you mention that he's whinier with your wife than with you.
That too is very common. Children are very often at their worst
with their primary caregiver. Not necessarily because she is too
lax with him, but simply because he is most comfortable with her.
He trusts her enough to fall apart in front of her. Strange, but
true.

That's probably true. I don't know if she can get him to change
his behavior, but I just think she should spend more effort on stopping
bad behavior rather than daycare. We must have gone to five or six
daycare places and call the children we saw were all in control.
When I'm taking care of both kids by myself and the older one wants me
to play with him and I can't, he also starts to whine. But the
difference
is when I raise the tone of my voice and say "Daddy can't play with
you because daddy have to take care of Timmy" and I suggest he look
at some books or toys, he usually stops.


This paragraph struck me as very controlling. It's one thing to say,
"Wait until he's potty trained." It's another to try to dictate
years in
advance how often and for how long he'll go.

The years and times is because our community offers a popular program
for preschoolers and the age, time, and schedule is dictated by them.
I also believe at age 3 and above, the can start to talk and I would
feel more comfortable sending them to this kind of program for the
kid to play and learn to play with other kids.

It's great that you are helping out. You said the baby is only 2
months
old. As the weeks go on, he'll get on a better schedule, and she'll
get
her routines down better, and be able to assume more of the load
again.
Remember that in addition to caring for the two all day and
interrupting
her sleep schedule at night, she's also been recovering her health
and
strength after the pregnancy and birth of a child. She *is* pretty
exhausted right now, and it's completely understandable.

Yes. I'm hoping thats the reason and it'll go away once things settle
down.


I don't think there is any reason to send a child this age to
daycare.
Perhaps instead of just nixing the idea outright, you can find
alternatives.
One idea might be to have a mother's helper come a couple of times
a week. She could perhaps watch the baby while your wife had
quality time with your older son, which might help offset some of
his jealousy and whining. Or maybe you can find a playgroup.
Or can sign your older son up for a toddler gym class or something.


Encourage your wife to get together with other mothers as much
as possible. Just getting out of the house will be a big relief for
her.

That's a good idea. We will try to look into something like gymboree.
Hopefully she'll meet other mothers and they can get together
during the day.


Understand that things will get better soon. Understand that your
son's whining and tantrums aren't so much a discipline problem
as an expression of anxiety. His world has been turned upside
down. He needs to be given as much love and attention as
possible. Understand that your wife's world has been turned
upside down as well. Make sure she knows that you love her
and support her, and think she's a *wonderful* mother.


Thanks for your reply. My wife is a wonderful mother.