Should I "just get over it"? How

Nan wrote:

Most of your post is spot-on, but I have to wonder... if you were
attempting to cut down on the size of your world, would you attempt
playdates to begin with?

Certainly I'd attempt them. I might find that they were too much and
tell the mother, "let's not do this anymore", though, and only allow my
kid to have one close friend over whose family meshed well with ours for
whatever reason. In fact, that's what I've done. I don't think my kids
have had more than the same two or three kids over in years.

Or, if confronted with ignoring someone, are
you going to be honest and tell them it's because you're just too
overwhelmed, or would you act like it sounds the mother in question
has, and avoid the issue?

Well, if the POINT of avoiding her is to not get into a relationship
with her, then, yes, "ignoring" her is what I'd do. But it wouldn't be
the ACTIVE ignoring that Bizby is interpretting, it'd be the "not even
on my To Do list" sort of ignoring of things that are so inconsequential
that I'll never get around to them. And having a miffed mother of a
playdate from two years ago over for tea and crumpets for a heartfelt
explanation that, "it's not you, it's just that you aren't our favorite
type" would not be something I got around to doing.

I've btdt with the busy-ness of life and needing to scale back on
people and activities, but I never just dropped someone, or was
dishonest about why... it's much easier to tell someone you've got too
many irons in the fire, than to carry on a charade.

But it's not a charade. She said, "I don't think we should do this
anymore." She then repeated it when asked. And continues to maintain
that she's not attempting to have that sort of relationship with Bizby.
Bizby wants MORE out of this relationship than the friend's mother is
willing to put into it. My advice is to be sad about what Might Have
Been and move on. It was a friendship that was terminated without
prejudice.

You've never dropped anyone? I have. I don't try to be mean about it,
but I don't owe them an explanation of my life priorities and where they
fit in them. I owe them kindness, courtesy and as brief an explanation
as I can muster without getting into ad hominem attacks. I typically
drop people when they are either holding values that are distinctly
different than my own (one example: a friend who brought her children to
bars and liked to dress the girls up as hookers) or because they're just
horribly draining people that suck the sunlight out of my world. (It's
harder to come up with an example of this because I typically don't let
them close enough to be friends, but I've dropped clients for that reason.)

Delenn

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of
years now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met
a new girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the
new school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another
family on their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school
function and introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our
way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a
good time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl
had promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying
to keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But
she did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown
tantrum or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they
can play at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been
having problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a
great time up until now."
..

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep
running into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I
*so* want to tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet,
confused, smug, superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?
Well you sound really resentful, so it might be that she's wishing you would
stop giving her that glare, which she tries to react with a "nice" smile.
Firstly maybe there was more to it than you realise.
You don't know what went on between the girls. You have no guarantee that
your child had been promised the pictures-one child can understand a comment
differently to how it's meant. You know "Can I have that?" Meaning "can I
take it home" child2 says "yes" meaning you can have it now but not
realising they want to take it home.
She might have not wanted to make a big thing of a couple of "sparks" on
your child. If I had a child throw a couple of tempers while playing with
mine I would be disinclined to ask them back a lot, but I wouldn't
necessarily go into details with the mother unless it was a major issue. I'd
say something like "Oh they've had their moments".
Or maybe she mentioned it to someone else who said "oh that's typical"
meaning that happens with children of that age... and she took it to mean
that it was typical of your child.
Personally I'd try and find out if there was more to it. Does this child go
round/invite other children round. Does your child say they are friends?
Maybe the mother doesn't really like having other children round anyway.
If I wanted to try and start again I'd ask a few children round together,
including that one. So she's not just the only one. Have a Valentine's party
or something as an excuse!
And I'd ask, perhaps their teacher (if I could do it casually) whether they
do play together, whether they have problems together or anything.
If they're not friends at school it may be that they don't really get on and
she feels that you're trying to force them to be friends.
If it seems to be on the other parents issue then I'd ignore it.
Debbie

On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 14:18:48 -0500, Delenn
scribbled:

Nan wrote:

Most of your post is spot-on, but I have to wonder... if you were
attempting to cut down on the size of your world, would you attempt
playdates to begin with?

Certainly I'd attempt them. I might find that they were too much and
tell the mother, "let's not do this anymore", though, and only allow my
kid to have one close friend over whose family meshed well with ours for
whatever reason. In fact, that's what I've done. I don't think my kids
have had more than the same two or three kids over in years.

Fair enough.

Or, if confronted with ignoring someone, are
you going to be honest and tell them it's because you're just too
overwhelmed, or would you act like it sounds the mother in question
has, and avoid the issue?

Well, if the POINT of avoiding her is to not get into a relationship
with her, then, yes, "ignoring" her is what I'd do. But it wouldn't be
the ACTIVE ignoring that Bizby is interpretting, it'd be the "not even
on my To Do list" sort of ignoring of things that are so inconsequential
that I'll never get around to them. And having a miffed mother of a
playdate from two years ago over for tea and crumpets for a heartfelt
explanation that, "it's not you, it's just that you aren't our favorite
type" would not be something I got around to doing.

I can understand that, but Bizby did ask, and it doesn't sound like
she received an honest answer. If someone doesn't ask you, then I
understand not going out of your way to explain anything.

I've btdt with the busy-ness of life and needing to scale back on
people and activities, but I never just dropped someone, or was
dishonest about why... it's much easier to tell someone you've got too
many irons in the fire, than to carry on a charade.

But it's not a charade. She said, "I don't think we should do this
anymore." She then repeated it when asked. And continues to maintain
that she's not attempting to have that sort of relationship with Bizby.
Bizby wants MORE out of this relationship than the friend's mother is
willing to put into it. My advice is to be sad about what Might Have
Been and move on. It was a friendship that was terminated without
prejudice.

I disagree. She is putting up a charade if she's acting like there
isn't any issue that happened, which is what Bizby wrote about.

You've never dropped anyone?

Only toxic men ;-)

have. I don't try to be mean about it,
but I don't owe them an explanation of my life priorities and where they
fit in them. I owe them kindness, courtesy and as brief an explanation
as I can muster without getting into ad hominem attacks. I typically
drop people when they are either holding values that are distinctly
different than my own (one example: a friend who brought her children to
bars and liked to dress the girls up as hookers) or because they're just
horribly draining people that suck the sunlight out of my world. (It's
harder to come up with an example of this because I typically don't let
them close enough to be friends, but I've dropped clients for that reason.)

Okay, I've stopped pursuing a relationship with people that I've
realized aren't good for me, but I've always been kind enough to give
them somewhat of an explanation. I think being left hanging with
questions sucks, so I won't do that to anyone.

Nan

"Nan" wrote in message
...
While I can understand your hurt feelings over the incident, it's not
likely to improve after 2 years. Yes, I would make myself get over
it. I would decide I wouldn't want my child around someone so
intolerant of typical behavior, and look towards making friends with
other parents.

I'm not sure why you think this woman is "in your life" at all, let
alone for another 4 years. She's merely another parent at the same
school. You're not required to interact with her on any level if you
choose not to. You're wanting her to apologize, and she's just not
going to.

Honestly, I'd just focus on getting to know others and nurture those
friendships and ignore her immaturity.

Well, our daughters are both in scouts, and have mutual friends and so
forth. There are often times when we're waiting outside a classroom
together for the girls to get out of something. Plus I don't feel like I
should ban my daughter from being friends with her daughter, so there are
birthday parties and things to consider. It's not that I'm exactly forced
to interact with her, just that there are enough times that we're "thrown
together" that it feels very awkward.

"nanner" wrote in message
...

Listen, this lady is WHACKO. It's unfortunate but that's that. Really -
I'm sorry - I've run into some irrational people too - but you might want
to hope the girls find a reason to break off the friendship before another
"incident". If this woman thinks she has reason to call off all
extra-curricular activity because her daughter couldn't share nice I'd let
it go!

Who knows - maybe at her last school "Muffy" went nuts on a playmate &
momma is following the suggestions of a psycologist! (or parole officer -
LOL)

LOL -- thanks for the laugh. I kind of feel like she's whacko too -- so
it's nice to have someone else say it.!

On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 14:34:44 -0500, "bizby40"
scribbled:

Well, our daughters are both in scouts, and have mutual friends and so
forth. There are often times when we're waiting outside a classroom
together for the girls to get out of something. Plus I don't feel like I
should ban my daughter from being friends with her daughter, so there are
birthday parties and things to consider. It's not that I'm exactly forced
to interact with her, just that there are enough times that we're "thrown
together" that it feels very awkward.

Yes, but aren't there other parents that you are "thrown together"
with, as well? Are you awkward around them? I'm guessing you feel
awkward because you haven't just let go, and she has.
It's not a good idea to ban your daughter from her friendship with the
girl unless there are major issues. You'd look like the resentful
mother if you did that.

Nan

"Delenn" wrote in message
...
bizby40 wrote:
Bizby, I certainly understand your urge to fix this and can see why it
would eat away at you, but I'll share a different perspective with you if
you don't mind.

I'm overwhelmed. The demands on my time, the social calendar and my
emotions are too many. I've got to cut out people who don't fit, say "no"
to more activities and keep my eye on the ball.

I don't think you get it. It wasn't just that she said, "Well, we're
awfully busy." Or "We're trying to cut down on the number of playdates."
It was that she said, "You're daughter is not allowed to play with my
daughter because of what your daughter did." Sure I've had many budding
friendships not blossom, and I've also done my share of not encouraging
people whom I don't think are a good fit for me and my family. But that's
not what she did.

Dramatic people who are energy drains in terms of needing to have
Relationships With Me are easy choices of what to cut.

Okay, I just think this was uncalled for.

Bizby

"Nan" wrote in message
news
I've btdt with the busy-ness of life and needing to scale back on
people and activities, but I never just dropped someone, or was
dishonest about why... it's much easier to tell someone you've got too
many irons in the fire, than to carry on a charade.

Nan

Agreed. Thanks.

Bizby

"Delenn" wrote in message
...
It was a friendship that was terminated without prejudice.

No, it was not without prejudice. She stated quite clearly that the reason
she was "terminating the relationship" was because my daughter's behavior
didn't meet her standards. What's more, until this incident, things had
been completely 2-way, so it's not like I kept calling and calling against
her wishes. And of top of that, part of the confusion on my side was that
as we were pulling out of the driveway, they came running out with an
invitation to their daughter's birthday party, thus seeming to show a
continued interest in my daughter's friendship.

Bizby

"Peggy" wrote in message
...
Yes. It's been two years. Let it go. Don't, however, insist your
daughters can't be friends. Take the high road and be civil to the
mother.
You don't have to socialize with her, but if your daughters are going to
be
friends, you have to play nice too.
~Peggy

Believe me, this is what I've been trying to do. But knowing that I should
get over it, and not getting stirred up again when I see her are two
different things. Any ideas?

Bizby