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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 3rd 04, 10:51 PM
Emily
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending

The story begins with a high AFP reading at 16 weeks and a diagnosis
of moderately decreased amniotic fluid at our 17 week ultrasound. The
OB said it wasn't good, but it might resolve with rest. By 19 weeks,
however, I was leaking fluid and a new ultrasound showed severely
decreased amniotic fluid. The next day, at an appointment with a
perinatologist, we saw absolutely no fluid. The doctors told us that
the prognosis for the baby was very poor under these conditions. Most
likely I would deliver too early on my own, and even if I carried the
baby to term (or what would otherwise be close enough), the baby's
lungs wouldn't develop, which is incompatible with life. Rather than
continue the pregnancy, we decided the best choice for me (physically,
in terms of reducing the risk of infection, and emotionally, in terms
of being able to get on with life), was to induce. We scheduled
appointments for laminaria (seaweed to dilate the cervix in
preparation) for Monday (3/1/04, 20 weeks) and Tuesday, and the
induction for Wednesday.

We trusted the doctors to be knowledgeable about the condition and
it's likely outcome, but wanted to feel like we were making the most
informed choice we could. Over the weekend we searched through the
medical literature so we could find the basis for their advice, and
we did. The studies that we read about indicated that the prognosis
was indeed very poor, for our situation (high AFP + decreased fluid,
especially decreased fluid at this point in the pregnancy). Reading
through all that, we felt confident in our decision. We did decide
to take one more look on the ultrasound to make sure that there was
still no fluid before going ahead with anything.

As it happens, it seems that I probably would have delivered the baby
pretty soon anyway. Sunday night I was having frequent, though not
strong, contractions. We went in to L&D triage to get checked (after
calling the OB). They put me on a contraction monitor, but they don't
work very well this early, because the uterus is still too small. They
also did an internal check, and found that my cervix was soft and
anterior, but still not effaced and only 1cm dilated. So, we went
home and got some sleep. The contractions stopped over night, and
I had a lot of what was probably bloody show.

Monday morning we went to the perinatologists, and spoke first
with a social worker. She gave us information about grief groups,
funeral homes, and milk banks (this last at my request), and gently
told a little bit about what we might expect of the grieving process.
Then we saw a nurse and the perinatologist. He did a brief physical
exam of me (heart, lungs, etc) and then took a look with the ultrasound.
There was indeed still no fluid. I actually hadn't been feeling kicks
for a little while, and so was afraid the baby may have already died,
but her heart was still beating. The perinatologist then placed
the laminaria, to which my body took offense! He went out for a moment,
and then came back to tell us that I was already dilated enough
that we could move the induction up to Tuesday. They rescheduled
all that for us.

The laminaria were pretty awful, but things settled down about an hour
or so after they were placed. Around 6:30 I started having
contractions every 10 minutes. At 7:30 they switched to every 5
minutes, and I called the doctor. She said to take some Ibuprofen,
and call back in an hour. An hour later I called back to say that
they had spaced out some, but were still continuing. I spoke with a
nurse-midwife who said that I had in fact probably reached the peak of
what would happen that night, but to call back if it got more intense,
or if I had a lot of bleeding. Sure enough, they contractions petered
out by 10pm. I think what happened was that they had pretty much
expanded as much as they could at that point. One nice thing about
the laminaria is that they provided some welcome respite from all the
discharge I'd been having -- they work by absorbing it.

The next morning we got to the hospital around 7:45am (a bit later
than scheduled, because of traffic), and got checked in. It turns out
there wasn't that much of a hurry, since the nurse needed to wait for
the doctor (the same perinatologist we'd seen the previous Thursday)
to arrive before starting much of anything. I had high hopes that
they would soon take the laminaria out, but the doctor decided they
should stay in as long as possible to get maximum benefit. The
birthing sweet was really nice, with a jacuzzi tub (didn't use it),
TV and sound system, windows with a pretty view to the East...

The nurse (who had a 7 to 7 shift and stayed with us the whole time --
it seemed she didn't have any other patients that day) helped me
get settled, and placed the IV... or tried to. On the first go it
went through my vein, and so they had to put it in the other arm
instead. The IV had fluid and antibiotics, later some anti-nausea
medication, and finally some pitocin (for the placenta). Then she placed
the first dose of misoprostil (Cycotec) -- a tablet right next to
my cervix. We had been told that the process takes anywhere from
6 to 36 hours, but that I would probably be on the shorter end of that.
I said this to the nurse, and she said in her experience it usually
takes two dose of misoprostil, which are given every 4 hours. So,
at least 4 hours. She also said that it wasn't so much contractions
as constant "cramping" and I began to worry I would be in for multiple
hours of continuous pain, and began to consider pain medication more
seriously.

For the first hour with the misoprostil, nothing much happened. I
could feel my uterus reacting to the misoprostil, but it wasn't
painful. Around 10:20 or so the perinatologist came in. She said
that when it takes a long time, it's mostly just a long time waiting
for things to get started, and then only about an hour of the painful
part. That sounded much more doable! We had turned on CNN on the TV
while were waiting, and I read a little bit of the book that I had
brought (a historical account of the writing of the _Oxford English
Dictionary_). My mom arrived (after having dropped DS off at daycare)
sometime before the perinatologist came in. The nurse spent a lot
of time chatting with us. She was really wonderful, and very comforting
to have around (both at this point and later in the day). At one point
I told her that I was looking forward to maybe being able to have
a birth someday without artificial augmentation (pitocin, misoprostil).
She said that from what she'd seen of women laboring, it didn't seem
all that different to her. I think she was trying to be comforting
with that remark, but it wasn't so much: I'm proud of having delivered
DS on pitocin without any pain meds, and therefore would like to think
that I made it through something extra difficult! (Then again, I didn't
have back labor, or anything like that, so maybe on average she does
have a point...)

At some point during this first hour, the social worker came by to
have us sign something (I think), and to gather the information for
the fetal death certificate. We had decided a few nights ago to
name the baby. Our code names had been Rufus (for a boy, and this
is the name DS mostly used) and Scheherazade for a girl. We decided
that Rufus was just a bit to silly, so that we'd use Alex Rufus for
a boy's name. Scheherazade was pretty (if an impractical name to
live with), and furthermore long enough that we thought it didn't
need a middle name with it. So, just Scheherazade last name for
a girl. We got to see just how impractical it would be when we
had to spell it for the social worker (and later for the nurse, when
she was making our memory box).

Around 10:30, I started having contractions. The first two were
10 minutes apart, but then they got closer together. I went to the
bathroom, and then worked on finding a good position to be in.
I remembered from DS's birth that if I could position myself over
my own center of gravity, it was easier to let the energy of the
contractions move through me, and not resist them. So I sat on
the bed in something like a cross-legged position. My needs were
bent so that my feet were tucked towards me, but neither leg was
on top of the other. I put on my iPod and sat with my lower back
straight and my head down, and listened to the same music that I
listened to with DS (George Winston's _December_ album). I was very
sad during this time, I think partially from the contrast between
the two births. Tears just rolled down my cheeks, and I had a tissue
in my hand to wipe them away. Mom and DH took turns sitting near
me. They really wanted to comfort me, but mostly I just needed to
sit in my position and listen to the music. I wondered if my body
was producing endorphins along with the tears. The contractions were
long, and pretty much right on top of the other. The nurse & dr kept
calling them "cramps" instead of contractions, but they sure felt like
contractions to me. I also noticed at one point that I couldn't
feel the IV at all -- I thought about it with my eyes closed and it
just wasn't detectable (although I could feel the bruise where they
had first placed it in the other arm). I was grateful for that.

After about 45 minutes, things let up a bit. I looked up and remarked
that I doubted this is what Apple had in mind with the iPod! After
that, the contractions were gentler and a bit more spaced out. I was
able to talk with Mom, DH and the nurse in between and just close my
eyes and tune out for a minute or whatever it took when one came.
This lasted another 45 minutes, at which point, I started feeling
"pressure" with the contractions. They said this was a sign that the
baby was almost out, and so I told the nurse. On the first one, it
wasn't very strong pressure, but it was definite. The nurse said
she'd have to take the laminaria out to check me (yay!), and my mom
asked if I was just saying that about the pressure to get them out
;-). I was also nauseous. While the nurse added some anti-nausea
medication to my IV, I had another contraction with more pressure.
The nurse then said I could lie back when I felt a break in the
contractions, and so I did. She took out the two gauze sponges which
had been
placed with the laminaria the previous day (which already made me
more comfortable), and the misoprostil tablet fell out. She then
felt around the laminaria, but then didn't take them out because she
said she felt the baby right there. She went to get the perinatologist.
I was surprised that the baby could be there already. It hadn't been
easy, but I had been stealing myself for more, harder labor.

The perinatologist came in, and took out the laminaria. My
contractions were petering out again (presumably because the
misoprostil was out). They told me I could push. I had one last
contraction to push with, and then had to do the rest on my own. I
think it only took about three pushes, and the baby came out all at
once on the third (bottom first, we think), at exactly noon. DH says
he looked away for just a moment, and there she was. She was born
still; the perinatologist said she had probably died in the last 30
minutes or so. They cut the cord and then placed her in a blanket and
handed her to me. We couldn't actually tell right away if she was a
boy or a girl, but eventually decided girl. She weighed 9.4 oz and
was 10" long. She was beautiful, especially her tiny feet and hands,
with long delicate fingers, and finger nails, which already looked
like they needed trimming. Looking at her face and imagining what she
would have looked like at term, we think she looked a lot like her
brother. She had long limbs. Sometimes it was hard to see her
for the tears in my eyes. DH said he was glad we'd been doing some
of the crying already, so he could look at her with clear eyes.
I remembered to smell her and found that she did have her own smell.
Different from DS's, and I'm sure unique to her. I haven't checked
yet, but I bet the smell lingers on the blanket they wrapped her
in, which we have.

The nurse added some pitocin to my IV, to try to dislodge the
placenta. I held Scheherazade until I was too uncomfortable, and then
I handed her to DH. He held her for a long time, admiring her, and
gave her a kiss. When she became cold, he handed her to the nurse.
That's when she weighed her, and brought her to another room for a
while. I was too tired at this point to try to make myself more
comfortable by shifting positions. I was just lying back on the
reclined bed. The pitocin did give me just continuous cramps. They
weren't as strong as the contractions, but with no breaks. A few
times they had me try pushing to see if it would come, but all I
managed to push out were some clots. I was surprised that there was
no blood coming through the cord, but I guess my body new enough to
stop that -- or maybe the fetal heartbeat is what keeps it going?
After an hour and fifteen minutes, and several uncomfortable exams in
which the doctor checked whether the cervix was coming, I was just
sick of it. We talked it over, and decided that I should just go for
the D&C, and the nurse stopped the pitocin (whew). By the time we
were done talking it over, I was bleeding enough that I would have to
anyway.

They wheeled me over to the OR (DH came with me to the door, but
couldn't come in), where we were met by 3 anesthesiologists. One
introduced herself as an "anesthesia doctor", so I new she was a
resident. It turns out she's actually a resident at another hospital
where my dad works, and knows him. That hospital doesn't have OB, so
she was doing her OB rotation at the hospital where I delivered. The
anesthesiology resident also called me "sweetheart", which I found a
bit odd, especially as I'm probably older than she is. The
anesthesiologists weren't pleased that I had been allowed to eat that
day, and told me they have to place a breathing tube just in case
(after I was out), which might give me a sore throat for a couple of
days (it has). There was a flurry of activity as they transfered me
from my bed to the OR stretcher (I helped in this process, and
wondered how they would do it on the way back) hooked me up to various
things (blood pressure, EKG, oxygen saturation), gave me some oxygen
to breathe and then added the anesthetics to my IV. The last thing I
remember is them saying I'd feel some pressure on my throat as I was
falling asleep. Just as it was getting really uncomfortable (I *hate*
being touched on the throat, under any circumstances), I was out.

I came to back in the delivery room, where I could hear the nurse, DH
and my mom talking. I started nodding and shaking my head in response
to them, and the nurse asked me to cough a few times. Apparently one
of the drugs involved in the anesthesia is an amnesiac (in case I
wasn't asleep so that I wouldn't remember anything of the surgery?)
and so my memories of the hour or so afterwards are a bit spotty.
They don't feel spotty to me, but DH and my mom have told me plenty of
conversations that we had once I was awake again, which I have
absolutely no memory of. I do remember becoming aware of them, but
being really sleepy, and not wanting to wake up. That slowly lifted.
In stages over a few (30?) minutes, the nurse lifted my bed up more
and more. I would have to stay in the hospital until 8pm (6 hours
past when the D&C was done, I think), to make sure I was recovering
okay. We started working on the checklist: bleeding not too bad,
going to the bathroom by myself (I had a catheter while I was out, so
that took a while), eating some food and keeping it down, no signs of
infection.

The nurse showed me the room service menu and I was hungry! I said I
wanted to order the French dip sandwich and a milkshake (for my
throat, which was indeed sore). She thought I should go for some
soup, a fruit plate, and the milkshake. I wanted something salty, so I
added french fries to that (with her approval). The food took a
while to come.

Before the food arrived, and once I felt like I was sitting up enough,
I asked them to bring Scheherazade back so I could hold her some more.
They had dressed her in a little gown and hat. My dad was coming by,
and I wanted to show her to him. She had changed a little bit, as she
was losing some of her fluid, but it was still good to hold her. My
dad was quite moved. When he was done visiting, I talked to
Scheherazade for a while, telling her that I loved her and that mommy
and daddy would be okay and how I wished I could have heard her
crying, rocked her, seen her first smile, seen her learn to walk and
talk. I did rock her, but that was of course for me. I asked her to
go find her Uncle Seth (my brother who died in a snowboarding accident
3 years ago), and to tell him 1,001 stories, and to ask him to teach
her how to come visit me in dreams. I told her about the beautiful
tree the folks in my department gave me. It's a species native to
this area (just like her), and symbolic of long life and health,
because it has medicinal properties. When we buy a house of our own
(which I hope will be soon -- the tree can stay in its container for a
few months at least), we'll plant the tree, and put her ashes at its
base. When I was done, I asked the nurse to bring her to the other
room again because DS was coming, but I also knew I wanted one more
chance to say goodbye.

Once I was back around from the anesthesia, DH decided to go pick up
DS from daycare. It's been a very hard few weeks on DS, and I think
his daddy just wanted to see him, too. They were going to the park,
and DH mentioned that I was in the hospital. DS immediately said "No
park. I wanna go to the hospital." So DH called to check it would be
okay (he called while my dad was there), and they came, after having a
snack. My food finally arrived, and I ate it and took some Ibuprofen.

At first it was a little bit difficult, as DS wanted to sit in my
lap. Eventually, I worked out that he could sit at the foot of
my bed, if I sat cross-legged again. We entertained him with some
of the juice and crackers the nurse had brought for me, and later
with some ice. He also walked in the hall a bit, and charmed the
nurse. A while later, my aunt and uncle came by (mostly to give
my mom a birthday present), so my mom and DS met them in the hotel
lobby, and DS had a snack.

During this time, DH and I got a chance to say one more goodbye
to Scheherazade together. When we were all done (bye-bye, bye-bye,
bye-bye) the nurse brought her away and got her ready for the
autopsy (we hope to find out something about the cause of all this).
She brought us back a beautiful box with Scheherazade's blanket,
gown and cap, a card with her footprints (the handprints were
too hard to do), the measuring tape they used to measure her,
and some polaroids that another nurse took of her. We added my
hospital bracelet when they took it off.

DH and I had dinner. Mom and DS came back, and we waited out the last
15 minutes until I could go at 8. I put my own clothes back on, DH
went and picked up the Vicodin they prescribed for me just in case
from the pharmacy. We got home and got DS to bed, and then went to
bed pretty soon afterwards ourselves. I should have taken more
Ibuprofen, because the afterpains were pretty intense overnight, but I
was too tired to get up and have the food I'd have to have with it.
My abdominal muscles are also much more sore than I remember with DS.
Possibly because of the kind of pushing I had to do, or maybe because
there aren't other aches to distract me! If my milk comes in (which
may or may not happen given Scheherazade's gestational age), I plan to
pump some and donate it to the milk bank in Colorado. If it doesn't,
it doesn't. I'm not pumping now to try to get it to come in.

I keep telling DS that soon I'll be all better, and can do all the
things I used to do with him (including changing diapers!), and he is
impatient for that. I look forward to doing all of that, and helping
him get back on a firm footing after all this stress. What I know
from losing my brother is that we will always be sad about this, but
over time there will be more and more room for joy as well. In many
ways, it was hard to know it was over and still be pregnant for a
week, but in other ways, that time was good time to have -- to find
peace with our decision, and to begin grieving -- and it is a relief
to be through the delivery now. I know that no baby will ever replace
this one, but I can think of nothing more healing than holding a live,
healthy, term newborn in my arms, and watching him or her grow. With
that in mind, I look forward to getting my body in good shape again
and then trying again.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks 3/2/04
  #2  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:13 PM
A&G&K
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)


"Emily" wrote in message
news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54...
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks 3/2/04


((((((((Emily))))))))))
Your description of your precious girl touched my heart.
Please know that I am thinking of you and your family.
Amanda


  #3  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:17 PM
Crystal Dreamer
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

I just had to reply when Emily wrote:
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending

snip

First of all, a huge (((Hug))).

You seem to be doing well, although it's such a traumatic experience. I
think you did everything perfect, and I hope that you will have many many
memories to look back on. You chose a beautiful, unique name for her, and
I'm sure that she herself was a beauty as well. I'm glad the Cytotec wasn't
too rough on you.

Have you visited SHARE yet? I definitely recommend it, it's a wonderful
support system.
http://boards.nationalshareoffice.com


--
-Crystal Dreamer
Missing Mariam since 09/10/03
Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms.
http://www.memoriesofmariam.com
(take out the trash to reply)


  #4  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:27 PM
toypup
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

(((hugs))) Your child has a beautiful name.


  #5  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:42 PM
Circe
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

Emily wrote:
In many
ways, it was hard to know it was over and still be pregnant for a
week, but in other ways, that time was good time to have -- to find
peace with our decision, and to begin grieving -- and it is a relief
to be through the delivery now. I know that no baby will ever
replace this one, but I can think of nothing more healing than
holding a live, healthy, term newborn in my arms, and watching him
or her grow. With that in mind, I look forward to getting my body
in good shape again and then trying again.


{{{{{{Emily}}}}}

Thank you for sharing that with us. It was very moving and, I'm sure,
difficult for you to do. My thoughts will be with you and your family and
Scheherazade. Peace and healing to you all.
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [2 yesterday] mom)

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman


  #6  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:52 PM
Sue
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending


:**(

You have touched my heart. (((Hugs))) to you and your family.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...


  #7  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:58 PM
New York Jen
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Posts: n/a
Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)


"Emily" wrote in message
news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54...
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending


Dear Emily,

I know it took a lot of strength to go through what you have in the last few
weeks and I admire you for doing so with such clarity and for sharing it all
with these strangers out on the internet somewhere. I know that I feel
close to you and have been thinking about you all week, as I'm sure many
others here have.

I'm glad you got to hold your little girl and so so sorry for your loss.

I'm sending you a lot of thoughts and prayers and healing.

- Jen



  #8  
Old March 3rd 04, 11:58 PM
Kathy Cole
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

What a beautifully written birth story. Thank you for making it so
vivid, letting us share. Scheherazade is a lovely name for your
daughter. I'm so sorry this happened.
  #9  
Old March 4th 04, 12:26 AM
Denise Anderson
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)


"Emily" wrote in message
news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54...
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004
- * -
In which we already know
the sad ending



{{{{{Emily}}}}} You'll be in my thoughts.

Denise


  #10  
Old March 4th 04, 12:27 AM
Daye
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Default Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)

On Wed, 03 Mar 2004 21:51:05 GMT, Emily wrote:

Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004


Emily, I don't really know what to say. I am so very sorry that this
happened. I will be thinking of you often.

--
Daye
Momma to Jayan and Leopold
See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/
Updated 28 Feb 2004
 




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