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#1
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why women hurt niceguys when they love them .
Do you think this happens more with women or men? My wive acts like the
cold fish alot. Ms pnoopie Pnats wrote: ric wrote: THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE A WOMAN BASHING THREAD . after reading many posts posting many threads and talking to many women on P.O.F and other dating sites & forums I've found a common pattern . the reason many nice guys are so bitter (and i'm not talking about nice guys who can't even start relationships) is because they get into relationships only to have them go terribly wrong do to the fact that he wants more than she can or will give. now its bad enough when she never gave her affection but its 10 times worse when she started out just as into him as he into her and here is the pattern. many women who complain about nice guys say things like "it was cute at first" or "I was feeling smoother'd . this implies that in the beginning she incouraged this behavier. in the beginning of every relationship both parties cant get enough of each other . you can always tell a new couple they are the ones making kissy faces at parties . they are the ones that disappear every few minutes to the parking lot at the local bar . they are the ones that stay one the phone 12 hours a night . they are the ones that are driving in front of you going 15 miles an hour shoulder to shoulder or he has his arm around her while driving. in fact most couples are hot and heavy when they first get together but here is the problem (for nice guys) this usually does not last long enough . many women at some point want to get back to their normal schedual . this translates to the nice guy as a form of rejection (after all he has gotten used to a more loving treatment) and if she was soooo effectionate at first why did it stop ? well this is boiled up to a difference in the way life is viewed . A nice guy is by nature an effectionate person and will always be so . now if the woman he is with is not a true nice girl she will be cold hearted enough to take away the effection (not knowing she is being cruel) so he feels she must be giving another the effection he was once getting . as I've said in other treads the one who cools down first usually hurts the other . Now to be fair she may actually still be in love with him so she is confused about what the problem is , she is thinking the cool down is a normal part of a relationship . in her mind you start out hot and heavy then you get back to your real life (the things she felt she was putting off to spend time with you ) I've heard women (when they first hook up) brag about how romantic and caring their man is only to call him needy a month later .he did not change SHE did (meaning he still treats her the same way he did in the beginning ) . Many women in my other threads referr to geting back to their real life hhhmmm. so much for women being the more compassionate and caring sex . guys & girl's i'd like your imput and also I'd like to know how long does the honeymoon stage of a relationship last for you? and feel free to e-mail me with your opinions . i dont think this just applies to nice guys. it happens to lots of people. guys do it too. start out all attentive and affectionate and then take her for granted later on. maybe it is human nature? I dunno. another thing, is if people start out hot and heavy because of lust and little else, that will fade eventually. you have to have something substantial to make a relationship last long term. my X started out all nice and attentive etc. Later on he was very cold and distant. but all the while he claimed to love me? well he sure didn't act like it. sometimes I wonder if I am too nice and too affectionate but that is the way I am. i think things do cool off a bit but there has to be a balance between being stuck up each others butt 24/7 and the cold fish who refuses to show any feelings affection at all and expect the partner to put up with that. |
#2
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ric wrote:
THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE A WOMAN BASHING THREAD . Sure... after reading many posts posting many threads and talking to many women on P.O.F and other dating sites & forums I've found a common pattern . the reason many nice guys are so bitter (and i'm not talking about nice guys who can't even start relationships) is because they get into relationships only to have them go terribly wrong do to the fact that he wants more than she can or will give. now its bad enough when she never gave her affection but its 10 times worse when she started out just as into him as he into her and here is the pattern. many women who complain about nice guys say things like "it was cute at first" or "I was feeling smoother'd . this implies that in the beginning she incouraged this behavier. in the beginning of every relationship both parties cant get enough of each other . you can always tell a new couple they are the ones making kissy faces at parties . they are the ones that disappear every few minutes to the parking lot at the local bar . they are the ones that stay one the phone 12 hours a night . they are the ones that are driving in front of you going 15 miles an hour shoulder to shoulder or he has his arm around her while driving. in fact most couples are hot and heavy when they first get together but here is the problem (for nice guys) this usually does not last long enough . many women at some point want to get back to their normal schedual . this translates to the nice guy as a form of rejection (after all he has gotten used to a more loving treatment) and if she was soooo effectionate at first why did it stop ? well this is boiled up to a difference in the way life is viewed . A nice guy is by nature an effectionate person and will always be so . now if the woman he is with is not a true nice girl she will be cold hearted enough to take away the effection (not knowing she is being cruel) so he feels she must be giving another the effection he was once getting . as I've said in other treads the one who cools down first usually hurts the other . Now to be fair she may actually still be in love with him so she is confused about what the problem is , she is thinking the cool down is a normal part of a relationship . in her mind you start out hot and heavy then you get back to your real life (the things she felt she was putting off to spend time with you ) I've heard women (when they first hook up) brag about how romantic and caring their man is only to call him needy a month later .he did not change SHE did (meaning he still treats her the same way he did in the beginning ) . Many women in my other threads referr to geting back to their real life hhhmmm. so much for women being the more compassionate and caring sex . Why does this sound familiar? guys & girl's i'd like your imput and also I'd like to know how long does the honeymoon stage of a relationship last for you? and feel free to e-mail me with your opinions . You're operating on the assumption that women absolutely know what they want in a partner any more than we men do. I think we're all a bit confused at different stages of our lives and in matters of the heart, people often get hurt. Both men and women. Blaming one gender is just stooopid. I've noticed that women, like men, get more dialed in as they mature. My advice is to NEVER give your heart to anyone much under 25. People need time to grow and people under 25 are still growing emotionally. FWIW ZenDog |
#3
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Do you think this happens more with women or men? My wive acts like the
cold fish alot. Don't always imagine that it's really about you. She may be the one with a problem. The "coldfish" thing is only troubling if she never, or rarely, becomes a hotfish once in awhile. ZenDog |
#4
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"'Kate" wrote in message ... On Sat, 20 Aug 2005 06:38:08 GMT, JayCee the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Anon-e-Mouse wrote: JayCee, your post is misogynist. Good way to stay alone. ric, Your post is better than your title. The title is kind of slanderous but you say you just want to know. My post isn't misogynistic, you god damned ****ing whore. Lovely. Visitors. Yeah, I was pretty tempted to post about my crazy ex and all his loving attention but figured.... leave it be! lol T |
#5
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zen_dog wrote:
You're operating on the assumption that women absolutely know what they want in a partner any more than we men do. I think we're all a bit confused at different stages of our lives and in matters of the heart, people often get hurt. Both men and women. Nice. Blaming one gender is just stooopid. I've noticed that women, like men, get more dialed in as they mature. My advice is to NEVER give your heart to anyone much under 25. People need time to grow and people under 25 are still growing emotionally. FWIW ZenDog Promise me that you'll come back and read this paragraph again in five years time. - Michaela |
#6
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zen_dog wrote:
Do you think this happens more with women or men? My wive acts like the cold fish alot. Don't always imagine that it's really about you. She may be the one with a problem. The "coldfish" thing is only troubling if she never, or rarely, becomes a hotfish once in awhile. ZenDog Yeh. Just get on with your life. She'll come round. - Michaela |
#7
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I want to return to ric's post. My experience of 28+ years is that the
honeymoon stage waxes and wanes. Many folks assume that once it is over, its done and that the rest of married life is a powerstuggle over sex and money. I have to tell you that there was a short time when I might have agreed. The "honeymoon" period changes during the dating time, just as ric suggests. It becomes strong again right after the marriage as the name suggests. After that, it takes a bit more work by both partners to keep it alive - not every day, but making sure that it resurfaces from time to time. This comes in the form of vacations (with kids at the grandparents or friends), walks in the park holding hands (cheap, inexpensive and often) and then finding the honeymoon period again after the kids are out of the house. I have recently discovered that one of the things that nobody tells their adult kids is just how much fun empty nesting is! I think it is because they think people will think that they did not love their children - nonsense. Maybe it is because society thinks that you stop having sexual relations at 40 - nonsense again. Anyway, my message is that whether we are discussing dating or marriage, it takes some effort to keep the passion alive, but if you can do it, the results are more than worth the effort. I have been married 28 years (quit thinking that that is old!) and we still hold hands, I kiss her at least 3 times every day and I still open doors (not something that was in vogue, even when we atarted dating). It can be done if you believe it can be done, but your time frame has to be longer than you think. Robert http://www.romantic-gentleman.com |
#8
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robert wrote:
I want to return to ric's post. My experience of 28+ years is that the honeymoon stage waxes and wanes. Many folks assume that once it is over, its done and that the rest of married life is a powerstuggle over sex and money. I have to tell you that there was a short time when I might have agreed. The "honeymoon" period changes during the dating time, just as ric suggests. It becomes strong again right after the marriage as the name suggests. After that, it takes a bit more work by both partners to keep it alive - not every day, but making sure that it resurfaces from time to time. This comes in the form of vacations (with kids at the grandparents or friends), walks in the park holding hands (cheap, inexpensive and often) and then finding the honeymoon period again after the kids are out of the house. I have recently discovered that one of the things that nobody tells their adult kids is just how much fun empty nesting is! I think it is because they think people will think that they did not love their children - nonsense. Maybe it is because society thinks that you stop having sexual relations at 40 - nonsense again. That is wonderful and true. Kids just ruin everything. I love my kids but kids are pain in the arses. Anyway, my message is that whether we are discussing dating or marriage, it takes some effort to keep the passion alive, but if you can do it, the results are more than worth the effort. I have been married 28 years (quit thinking that that is old!) and we still hold hands, I kiss her at least 3 times every day and I still open doors (not something that was in vogue, even when we atarted dating). It can be done if you believe it can be done, but your time frame has to be longer than you think. Robert http://www.romantic-gentleman.com |
#9
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robert wrote:
Maybe it is because society thinks that you stop having sexual relations at 40 - nonsense again. Society is probably trying not to puke. Who wants to imagine hideous old people having sex? Sex doesn't necessarily end at 40. But at some point it stops being watchable. -- the Danimal |
#10
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Ya, but I've seen some overweight, out of shape, 20 year olds that I
would rather avoid seeing the buff as well. Age does not equal beauty. Robert http://www.romantic-gentleman.com |
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