Fifth Grade Girls

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In a word: Ugh.

DD has a friend who is trying to find out a "secret" about another,
mutual friend (Call her secret-keeper). So the secret-seeker calls
our house, cajoling,threatening, wheedling, to find out the secret.
Meanwhile, DD told another girl about the secret (which I'm plenty
annoyed about, although DD doesn't know I know), so the secret-
keeper is mad at DD and secret-seeker calls now trying to help DD
and secret-keeper make up, although first, of course, she has
to know the secret. eyeroll

Is keeping my nose out of this the best strategy to help my daughter?
We've had plenty of talks about the secret-seeker; both my
wife and I agree she is plenty toxic. DD knows secret-seeker's
modus operandi, but seemingly only recognizes it in hindsight.

Honestly, if secret-seeker spent as much time on schoolwork as
she did meddling in the lives of others, she'd be a star
student.

I will be very interested to experience 5th grade through the
lens of a boy when DS starts in a couple years.

Scott DD 10.5 and DS 8

Scott wrote:

X-No-Archive: yes

In a word: Ugh.


snip


I will be very interested to experience 5th grade through the
lens of a boy when DS starts in a couple years.

Scott DD 10.5 and DS 8


I sympathize. I have a fifth grade girl, and thanks to the
luck of the draw of who landed in her homeroom, she's having
a not fun year. They're bossy, cliquey and some are down
right bullies. From what she's said, I don't know that the
boys are a whole lot better, though maybe in different ways.

Lesley

(Distressing but typical 5th-grade story snipped)

although DD doesn't know I know

Ah, I'm running in to the same thing. Henry (also 5th) is into instant
messaging, e-mail, etc., but isn't adept yet at covering his tracks, so I trip
along stuff I wish I didn't know (like the transcript of an IM conversation
where he was called "faggot" among other things). I'm so heavy into the "he
doesn't know I know" stuff right now... I am glad I'm not more of a snooper or
who knows what I would know!! Sigh!

Is keeping my nose out of this the best strategy to help my daughter?

That's my dilemma too; no adivice here, just sympathy. For now I'm letting him
handle it, with an eye toward his demeanor... I don't want him to feel his
trust is betrayed (and truthfully I was not looking to snoop when I found this
stuff). IIRC it's pretty typical pre-teen angst stuff, as mean-spirited as it
seems.

The funny part is all the "who do you like?" type calls going on right now.

I will be very interested to experience 5th grade through the
lens of a boy when DS starts in a couple years.

I have a boy, and he and his male friends seem as caught up in it as the girls
:-P

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 11

It has been a while since fifth grade, but I work with Junior High kids
in my community. In my opinion, you need to stay out of it as much as
possible. While you can be available to listen to your daughter if she
has questions or wants your opinion, this is her social scene to learn
and adjust to. I see kids in the group who have had their parents
intervening often. It is really hard on them to cope with new
situations and mature in their social dealings.

If information is being exchanged that can hurt someone, then you should
address that directly, but if the secret is just average 5th grade kind
of stuff, let her handle who knows about it and who doesn't. The
intrigues and upsets of fifth-graders can be pretty interesting.

Karen G

"Scott" wrote in message
...

X-No-Archive: yes

In a word: Ugh.

You summed it up REALLY well. Except 6th grade girls are even worse.

My advice might not be popular but I'm learning the hard way... you
absolutely need to be on top of your daughter if she has a toxic friend. If
you don't, you're going to be facing a lot more serious things once they hit
middle school, things that can be life threatening and are extremely
dangerous although they will not believe you about this. My daughter didn't
have a very good 5th grade year. She was in a class where all the other kids
had *always* been together, many since preschool. She wasn't a part of that
clique, which made her life very unhappy. An extremely social kid with a ton
of friends, all of a sudden she was lonely and bullied and and didn't have a
playdate the entire year. Not one! Even her teacher admitted it was a
terrible year for my kid, and that the girls in that class were particularly
noxious. There were the two 'best friends' who wore the same clothes and had
the same hairstyles and were joined at the hip. Man, by the end of the year
I really hated those two. When they had a falling out, I was cheering! :-)
It was a bad year for a lot of girls, I later found out.

Come fall, they went to middle school which is large and has 3 big
elementary schools pouring into it. So there were new toxic girls to meet,
and DD did a great job of finding the most toxic of the toxic girls, who
befriended her. Such chaos ensued, you just don't want to know, and I'm not
posting it anyhow. If you want to email me, I'll be happy to give you a
short synopsis which will guarantee to curl your toes.

As I said, I learned the hard way. I started out by restricting the computer
so IMing plans couldn't happen. Then I learned to block the telephone so
Toxic Girl (TG) couldn't call anymore. Not that it stopped her, she stole
cell phones and used those with fake names until I caught on. I literally
had to get a restraining order on this kid to keep her away from our house.
When I say Toxic, I mean TOXIC. And this girl is so freaking popular. The
other kids think she's amazing!

DD kept getting more and more restrictions, but it's like she just lost her
mind this year, along with all the other 6th grade girls. It's scary to get
together with the other moms and compare notes. I mean, it would turn your
hair grey(er). We've had continual runaways, kids taking public
transportation to other towns, kids smoking tobacco and pot (not mine, thank
goodness), drinking, and some scary sexual promiscuity. We've had one
suicide and a suspected gang rape. And I swear it, I live in a VERY high
class, desirable community with excellent schools and very low crime. The
police youth officer, who I got to meet this year for the first time, just
quit his job after 16 years of service citing that this was just too tough a
year for him.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but it's been a year to remember and it's only
half over. Girls are really vicous. I've got a son the exact same age, and
he's definately got his share of troubles, but he's never caused me anywhere
near the anxiety as DD has, and he's finishing up middle school. He's been
in trouble, believe me, but it's more of the mouthing off, skipping classes,
running in the halls kind of trouble. He's *appalled* by his sister's
behaviour, but he reiterates over and over that she's not much different
than all the other girls in 6th grade.

So, my advice is, clamp down hard now, but let your daughter know how much
you love her and how you're being vigilent because you love her and worry
about her and want her to be safe. Play the safe card a lot. They need to
hear that this is what's going on, and not that you're just plain mean or
hate her, which they all thing once the hormones start raging!

Marjorie

"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


I'm sorry to be so negative, but it's been a year to remember and it's
only
half over. Girls are really vicous. I've got a son the exact same age, and
he's definately got his share of troubles, but he's never caused me
anywhere
near the anxiety as DD has, and he's finishing up middle school.

You have no idea how sad I was to read that you feel that most girls are
like this. My daughter is now in 9th grade and I never saw this type of
behaviour to that extent when she was in grades 5, 6 and 7. some, for sure.
But most were nice, polite girls and fun to be around.

In other words SOME girls are vicious. Others are not.

Marijke
in Montreal

Marijke wrote:
"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


I'm sorry to be so negative, but it's been a year to remember and it's

only

half over. Girls are really vicous. I've got a son the exact same age, and
he's definately got his share of troubles, but he's never caused me

anywhere

near the anxiety as DD has, and he's finishing up middle school.


You have no idea how sad I was to read that you feel that most girls are
like this. My daughter is now in 9th grade and I never saw this type of
behaviour to that extent when she was in grades 5, 6 and 7. some, for sure.
But most were nice, polite girls and fun to be around.

In other words SOME girls are vicious. Others are not.

Thanks for all the comments.

I think I'm lucky that DD is not at a point that she'll
befriend toxic little Miss secret-seeker just to drive
me crazy. I also think that it's important not to react
too strongly to toxic kids -- that only builds them up
in the eyes of other kids, IMO, when they get such a
strong reaction from adults (Hey Cool! Look at what
Toxina can get Mr. Smith to do!) So far I just ask
DD to consider why Toxina (I like that name) is doing
what she does and why she says what she does. If I
answer the phone and Toxina is calling, maybe I'll
forget to give DD the message 'til it's too late to
call back (they're not in the same classroom, so it's
not like she calls about assignments). I don't think
DD is into IM'ing yet.

DD has some wonderful friends. Last year there were
similar problems with other girls in her class,
but she sailed blissfully through them. That's not
happening quite as much this year.

Next year is middle school in a new school. Yikes!


Scott DD 10.5 and DS 8

In article , Scott says...


I think I'm lucky that DD is not at a point that she'll
befriend toxic little Miss secret-seeker just to drive
me crazy. I also think that it's important not to react
too strongly to toxic kids -- that only builds them up
in the eyes of other kids, IMO, when they get such a
strong reaction from adults (Hey Cool! Look at what
Toxina can get Mr. Smith to do!) So far I just ask
DD to consider why Toxina (I like that name) is doing
what she does and why she says what she does. If I
answer the phone and Toxina is calling, maybe I'll
forget to give DD the message 'til it's too late to
call back (they're not in the same classroom, so it's
not like she calls about assignments). I don't think
DD is into IM'ing yet.

I agree that not much should be made of it if it's not necessary to. With my 11
year old (boy), I usually treat these things in a "aren't they silly" kind of
discussion. I would ask "gee - WHY does Toxina need to know the secret? Isnt'
that a dumb thing to bother with?"

It's worth a try - of course one may run into the ubiquitous pre-teen "::tut:::
:::heavy sigh::: - What do yooooou know, Mom??" :-)

But I think he's picked up on the practical kind of thinking behind that.

Cheers,
Banty

"Scott" wrote in message
...
Marijke wrote:
"animzmirot" wrote in message
...


I'm sorry to be so negative, but it's been a year to remember and it's

only

half over. Girls are really vicous. I've got a son the exact same age,
and
he's definately got his share of troubles, but he's never caused me

anywhere

near the anxiety as DD has, and he's finishing up middle school.


You have no idea how sad I was to read that you feel that most girls are
like this. My daughter is now in 9th grade and I never saw this type of
behaviour to that extent when she was in grades 5, 6 and 7. some, for
sure.
But most were nice, polite girls and fun to be around.

In other words SOME girls are vicious. Others are not.

Thanks for all the comments.

I think I'm lucky that DD is not at a point that she'll
befriend toxic little Miss secret-seeker just to drive
me crazy. I also think that it's important not to react
too strongly to toxic kids -- that only builds them up
in the eyes of other kids, IMO, when they get such a
strong reaction from adults (Hey Cool! Look at what
Toxina can get Mr. Smith to do!) So far I just ask
DD to consider why Toxina (I like that name) is doing
what she does and why she says what she does. If I
answer the phone and Toxina is calling, maybe I'll
forget to give DD the message 'til it's too late to
call back (they're not in the same classroom, so it's
not like she calls about assignments). I don't think
DD is into IM'ing yet.

Well, our Toxina (I love the name too, and am adopting it as of this moment)
spent the day in court today, and I don't know the results, but I'm assuming
that she will no longer be at our school and will be joining the ranks of
kids under CPS control. I'm surprised I can't hear the outbreak of glorious
applause from parents all over the city. For those of you who haven't had a
Toxina in your life, be very very thankful. I've been living the movie
Thirteen for the past few months and it really really is scary how true to
life that film gets.

Marjorie

animzmirot wrote:


Well, our Toxina (I love the name too, and am adopting it as of this moment)
spent the day in court today, and I don't know the results, but I'm assuming
that she will no longer be at our school and will be joining the ranks of
kids under CPS control. I'm surprised I can't hear the outbreak of glorious
applause from parents all over the city. For those of you who haven't had a
Toxina in your life, be very very thankful. I've been living the movie
Thirteen for the past few months and it really really is scary how true to
life that film gets.

Marjorie

Yikes.

Here's to the hope that your life simplifies now.

Scott DD 10.5 and DS 8