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#1
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Needing help
I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done something wrong--- Rachel |
#2
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Needing help
In ,
Rachel Richard typed: I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34 female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done something wrong--- Rachel What kind of things is he doing that you are calling 'hyper'? Many active children are bored with their environment, and act up in the only why they know how, with activity. My son was called hyper on numerous occasions, yet was truly looking for an outlet for his energy. Have you tried some family counseling? It sometimes helps the child to have someone other than family to talk to. Why doesn't your son see his father? I don't know all your circumstances, so I can't offer a whole lot of advice. Kids at your son's age, are active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal behavior, but it should not be tolerated. Simply set firm boundaries, but pick your battles. If you are too firm on every little thing (like the color of his socks, or how he plays with certain toys) he will become upset, and not knowing how to tell you he will act up. I speak from experience on that score. Also, teaching your son to express himself works well, this is an age where children can now reveal more feelings, than just mad, sad, happy. They learn frustration, what the word means, how it feels to be frustrated. I hope I was able to be of some help, not knowing more about your situation. Just hang in there, and try to stay steady with your rules. Kids always test their boundaries, at least once. Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. |
#3
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Needing help
He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what to try to help him I'm not clear exactly what the problem is. From the way you said it, it sounds pretty normal. What do you mean by hyper? It's pretty normal for 5 year old boys to be hyper. Is he demanding a lot of your attention? That could be normal, or he's extra clingy because he's lost his father and doesn't want to lose you, or do you work a lot and he doesn't see much of you? Set aside the time that you need for you, but do make sure you spend time on the floor or outside playing with him. If you can be a bit more specific as to the problem, maybe we can be of more help. Joelle If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you are doing tomorrow Father Mike |
#4
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Needing help
Rachel Richard wrote in message ... I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34 female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done something wrong--- Rachel You have done nothing wrong. If he is seeming to be hyper I would try to get him involved in some activity that can help him burn up some of that energy. I know he is young yet but there is karate, little league t-ball, stuff that like that. Watch his diet also. Sugars, definately a no-no. As for asking for his dad, just try to be patient and tell him that Dad can't come around right now but maybe someday. Do'nt say mean things about the missing dad, who may one day come around again. Tiffany |
#5
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Needing help
Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and far between people he will let get close to me without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in the last message. Rachel |
#6
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Needing help
In ,
Rachel Richard typed: Betsy, What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and far between people he will let get close to me without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in the last message. Rachel The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat that, is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say, "You know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his parental rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It wasn't made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger will only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you right now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS of time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner together, at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime, TV time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee, help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go for a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time with you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness, and they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend testing for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with no brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs. If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again; your son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best. I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after their sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD, not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also a key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to do, he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as well. After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program, read a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As for the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more along the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went mainly in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth the hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him you love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I? Good thoughts coming your way, Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. |
#7
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Needing help
"Rachel Richard" wrote in message ... Betsy, What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and far between people he will let get close to me without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in the last message. Rachel I definitely think what you are feeling is normal, but don't let it overwhelm you. He really needs you, and it sounds like he's afraid he's going to lose you (a justifiable feeling for him, considering.) Counselling sounds like a good plan, and as far as him not 'responding' to them, how many sessions are we talking about? It took my boys a number of years to get over what happened to them, and I still see residual effects but on the whole we're doing great, so things will get better for you guys. Christine |
#8
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Needing help
wrote in message news In , Rachel Richard typed: Betsy, What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and far between people he will let get close to me without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in the last message. Rachel The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat that, is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say, "You know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his parental rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It wasn't made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger will only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you right now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS of time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner together, at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime, TV time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee, help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go for a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time with you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness, and they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend testing for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with no brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs. If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again; your son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best. I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after their sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD, not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also a key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to do, he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as well. After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program, read a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As for the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more along the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went mainly in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth the hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him you love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I? Good thoughts coming your way, Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Not long winded, you offered some excellent advice and it's helpful to hear it from people who've been there. Christine |
#9
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Needing help
Betsy,
You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all. There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again. Rachel |
#10
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Needing help
I cannot relate at all to the divorce part, so I won't even pretend, but I
can relate 100% to the part about being a single parent. I don't think it sounds crazy at all to wonder what you would do without your child. I know for a fact that I could NOT live without my son. I've often heard or read in the news about, for whatever the reasons may be, parents losing their children. I honestly do not think I could survive if my son was gone. In all honesty, I do not believe I would have anything to live for, other than my son. I do not think you are, or even sound, crazy for not knowing what you would do without your own son - be it after a divorce or any other reason. I always say, "I love you!" and I when it's bed time, I say it again, then every time I check the bedroom through the evening and before I go to bed. Every time we get into the car and do up the car seat, I lean over, give a kiss and say 'I love you' again. When we drive somewhere, I often flip the mirror down to the night vision, which is exactly the position to see the middle seat in the back of the car, and I smile and say 'I love you.' Maybe this is crazy, but it's the truth and I don't ever forget it. You never know what can happen in 10 minutes, 5 minutes or 5 seconds. "Rachel Richard" wrote in message ... Betsy, You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all. There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again. Rachel |
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