Too hard on my child?

"rynak" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it
last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last
night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me
yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then
asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more
time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and
that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She
says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the
whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

I don't think you should *hope* he gets a bad grade. If he gets a bad
grade, then that's what he gets, but I don't think a parent should hope for
it. I've done last minute homework with stellar results, I mean, I think I
did a good job, even if it was last minute, and I couldn't have done it
better if I'd done it earlier. However, the rest of your response is just
fine. I don't think a parent should bail a kid out in this circumstance.
He gets the grade he deserves.

"rynak" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it
last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last
night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me
yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then
asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more
time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and
that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She
says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the
whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

Thanks!

We're struggling with this very same issue with our 3rd grade son (who has
ADHD). I don't think you've been too hard on him. If he values getting
good grades then he will hopefully learn a lesson from this (we're having
trouble instilling in him the value of grades -- he's pretty smart and
thinks that as long as he knows he knows something, he should n't have to do
the work).

Next time your son has a long-term assignment, you might help him do an
outline with interim benchmarks to make sure he's working on it all along
and not just waiting until the last minute. I think it's hard for classroom
teacher to teach organizational skills because they are often innately
organized and don't understand being organizationally-challenged.

Leigh in raLeigh

Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

Thanks!

I would do the same thing! There are some times that you just have to let
your child fail, this is how we learn!!! Even the smallest of failures can
teach a person many things about life and about themselves.
In my opinion..... if you are always there to swoop in and save the day your
child will not know how to deal with things! Sometimes you just need to
stand back and hope for the best, even if it means your child is in for some
temporary heart ache!


"rynak" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it
last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last
night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me
yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then
asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more
time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and
that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She
says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the
whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

Thanks!

"rynak" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it
last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last
night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me
yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then
asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more
time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and
that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She
says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the
whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

Thanks!


I think it depends on delivery. WERE you angry? The lesson is not a bad one.
But pitching a fit in delivery of the message would have been.

S

"rynak" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it
last Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last
night. I ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me
yes, and has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then
asks me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more
time. Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and
that was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She
says I should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the
whole thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

My open and unbiased opinion is that you are doing exactly the right thing.
Bailing your child out would just teach him the value of procrastination. I
think you are absolutely right in your stance.

Donna

Hi -

I think that the problem lies earlier than today! The home-school
communication bit is clearly not working properly if your child has a
project to do for a full week and YOU, the parent, aren't even aware of
it.

Third graders can handle nightly homework. It becomes part of the
routine. But projects require a different set of skills, top among which
is the ability to PLAN. You can't expect a third grader to know how to
plan his time.

At our school, when a project is assigned, the kids take home a sheet
explaining the project and the due date. THe parent is expect to SIGN
and return that sheet the next day. This way the teacher knows that the
parents are aware of the project, and can help the child to budget his
time.

Usually the project is broken into several steps, each of which has its
own due date. (For example, first is "research including 5 facts",
second might be "outline", third might be "draft of project" and finally
might be "project due".) This way the kids learn HOW to do a project,
since breaking down a large piece of work isn't obvious to the average
third grader.

Your son probably didn't realize the amount of work required to do a
project. With most homework getting done just the night before it's
due, why should he expect a project to be different?

I'd request a meeting with the teacher to find out what steps were taken
in class to ensure that each child understood what STEPS the project
entailed, that the project needed to be started earlier than the night
before it was due, etc. Because it's pretty clear that your son missed
all that. And all that is the whole point of doing a project in the
first place (at least in 3rd grade).

Also, sit down with your son and make sure he understands that whenever
a project is assigned, he MUST inform you the night it's first assigned
to him so that you can help him learn how to approach projects.

I think this one may have been a learning experience for YOU more than
for your son. Your son has only learned that projects are scary and the
adults he depends upon (you and the teacher) didn't help him this time
around.

I'm sorry your school made this such a bad experience for your family.
I hope the next project goes better.
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...

Hi -

I think that the problem lies earlier than today! The home-school
communication bit is clearly not working properly if your child has a
project to do for a full week and YOU, the parent, aren't even aware of
it.

I disagree. I believe parents should be involved in school to the extent
that they are there to help when a child needs help with homework, but they
should not be responsible for the kid's projects or assignments being done
on time. Parents are taking on too much of the responsibilities nowadays
and not letting their kids handle some of the burden. OP is handling it
just right. My parents never knew when any of my projects were due, nor my
homework for that matter. If there was a project due, the teacher reminded
us everyday and tried to help us not forget, but it was still our
responsibility. If the resposibility is too much for a 3rd grader, then it
shouldn't be assigned.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and that
was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She says I
should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the whole
thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

You didn't say you wanted him to get a bad grade. You said he should get the
grade he deserves, and that's true. Your son SHOULD HAVE been working on this
project for a lot longer than he did, if it was assigned way back on the 23rd.
Your wife wants to coddle this child and protect him from any sort of failure
even if it's his own fault, which it is. That's the sort of mentality that
leads to spoiled brats that expect the world served to them on a platter.
Hopefully, your child WILL learn from this, that when something is assigned
with that much lead time, he is expected to work on it and complete it in good
order. Personally, I wouldn't've even helped him with it at all.

In article
outparenting.com,
"rynak" wrote:

Hello,

My 3rd grader had a project due today, Tuesday the 2nd. He received it last
Monday, Feb. 23rd and didn't take it out of his backpack until last night. I
ask him everyday if he's done his homework and he always tells me yes, and
has never had a late assignment or paper so I trust him.

However, this time he waits until after bedtime and then tells me he needs
help. I help him a little with the research and we go to bed. He wakes his
mom up in the morning for some more help, but the printer does not work. He
then asks me for more help, but I refuse, telling him that he should have
been working on it all along and that I would not bail him out. He then asks
me to drive him to school instead of catching the bus to give him more time.
Again, I say no, that he will have to explain to his teacher that his
assignment is incomplete because he procrastinated. I tell him the grade he
gets is the grade he deserves.

I think that this is a good lesson. My wife thinks I was too mean and that
was very angry that I said that I hoped he got a bad grade on it. She says I
should never want my kids to fail and I was very negative about the whole
thing. I would like some open, honest and unbiased opinions.

Thanks!


If you spoke in anger, and actually said you *hoped* he'd get a bad
grade, I can understand your wife's response.

Telling him calmly that he should have told you sooner, and that you
would not bail him out of his decision to procrastinate, is OK. It's
even OK to tell him that you understand that he would probably get a low
grade, and that's the consequences of putting it off until the last
minute. However, if you were angry and told him you hoped he'd get a
bad grade, I think you were over the top. Letting a child know you are
angry is not a problem -- but telling them that you hope they get a bad
grade, or shouting at them, do no good and may, in fact, do much harm.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care