Wanting baby number three

I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

Carolyn

Carolyn,
I think you should talk to a counselor and see if you can work out some of
these issues. You cannot bring a baby into your family and world unless
both you and dh are on the same page about it. IF either partner disagrees
with the idea to have another child, then the answer has to be no. It's not
fair to the child.

As someone who tried desperately to conceive for 5 years, and had 9 losses
and no live births, I can say that wanting to have a baby and ttc just isn't
that fun or worth wishing for. Really. You are far luckier to have had 2
oops babies.

Whatever else is going on, you and dh could use some counseling to help you
deal with each other better, deal with the kids better, and communicate
better. And some counseling on your own to see if your need and desire for
another baby is really something else, masquerading. Just a thought.

Best of luck to you.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html


"avalonphotography" wrote in message
m...
I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

Carolyn

avalonphotography wrote:

I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

It sounds to me like the experience you want isn't
likely to happen without your husband's buy-in anyway.
After all, you're not likely to feel unalloyed joy at a
positive pregnancy test result if you're worried what
your husband's response will be.
I also think that you really *should* have
buy-in from both parents before planning a pregnancy.
I know this is hard when you want a baby and your
husband doesn't. It's even harder if you eventually
find that this is a permanent condition, rather than
one that might change given some time. It's awfully
soon for him to come around, though. I have to say, it
took five years after our second before we were both
ready for a third, but it's worth it to wait for buy-in.
I'd rather have a child later in my life than I planned
than have a child without the support of my husband.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On 28 Apr 2004 18:46:13 -0700,
(avalonphotography) wrote:

I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

Carolyn

I understand your desire to have another baby.... but my advice is
going to be that you and your husband seek counselling for your issues
first.
It's vitally important for everyone that you and he are together in
this, or you won't have the experience you're imagining, anyways. Not
to mention that it can set up a lot of resentment from your husband.

Nan

Jamie,
I remember you from when I was on the newsgroup before and I very
sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you. I don't want
you to misunderstand about me and my husband because we have a great
relationship and he is a great guy. He is a good father and we share
all the childcare responsibilities and the kids adore him. He is a
quiet man which is usually a blessing but neither one of us is
completely comfortable talking about our feelings so I'm a little
chicken to bring up the third baby talk. I did ask him if he would
agree to leave the topic open to discussion a few months ago and he
said yes. He came from a family with two siblings, a boy and a girl,
just like he has now so he is not as open to three as I am because I
grew up in a family with three children. I adore my children and I
love watching them grow and change and become individuals. I never
thought I would want another one but I do, I want that experience
again and to have three times the love and joy that my children bring
to me. That is why I want another baby, no other reason.
Unfortunately a lot of men see and feel things differently than women
so trying to explain all this to a man can be a bit of a challenge
because a man can never know what it is like to carry a child and to
give birth to and nurse that child. The whole journey is an incedible
experience that I want to have just once more in my lifetime because
life is just so short. My children are growing fast and before I no
it they will be grown and gone.

Carolyn



"Jamie Clark" wrote in message link.net...
Carolyn,
I think you should talk to a counselor and see if you can work out some of
these issues. You cannot bring a baby into your family and world unless
both you and dh are on the same page about it. IF either partner disagrees
with the idea to have another child, then the answer has to be no. It's not
fair to the child.

As someone who tried desperately to conceive for 5 years, and had 9 losses
and no live births, I can say that wanting to have a baby and ttc just isn't
that fun or worth wishing for. Really. You are far luckier to have had 2
oops babies.

Whatever else is going on, you and dh could use some counseling to help you
deal with each other better, deal with the kids better, and communicate
better. And some counseling on your own to see if your need and desire for
another baby is really something else, masquerading. Just a thought.

Best of luck to you.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html


"avalonphotography" wrote in message
m...
I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

Carolyn

Oh, I agree. I would never, ever become pregnant without the support
of my husband. That would be very deceiving and I love him far too
much to do that to him.

Carolyn


Ericka Kammerer wrote in message ...
avalonphotography wrote:

I haven't been here for two years now and my second baby was two in
February. I have found myself wanting another baby for quite a while
now and I have been trying to talk myself out of it. I now realize
that all my reasons for not having another baby are a pile of crap and
that I have been doing it to keep myself from being disappointed
because my husband does not want another child. He complains quite a
bit about our kids and sometimes I feel that he doesn't even want the
two he has (both were not planned). I got pregnant the first time
because we used the natural family planning method and the second time
while using condoms. I not only desperately want another child, I
also want to plan a pregnancy. I want to have sex for a purpose and
to be totally happy when I see the positive on the pregnancy test. I
want to have the whole experience just once more because I am going on
34 so I wouldn't want to have anymore children. I am too chicken to
really talk to my husband about my feelings because he always makes it
clear how he feels. I have always sacrificed everything for other
people; my parents, my husband, my children. I am at the point in my
life where I have none of the things I wanted and planned because of
putting other people first but I don't want to sacrifice this time. I
don't want to grieve for this baby I am picturing in my mind but I
don't know what to do about it. If anyone is in a similar situation
or has been in this situation I would like to hear your stories and
advice. Sorry this was so long.

It sounds to me like the experience you want isn't
likely to happen without your husband's buy-in anyway.
After all, you're not likely to feel unalloyed joy at a
positive pregnancy test result if you're worried what
your husband's response will be.
I also think that you really *should* have
buy-in from both parents before planning a pregnancy.
I know this is hard when you want a baby and your
husband doesn't. It's even harder if you eventually
find that this is a permanent condition, rather than
one that might change given some time. It's awfully
soon for him to come around, though. I have to say, it
took five years after our second before we were both
ready for a third, but it's worth it to wait for buy-in.
I'd rather have a child later in my life than I planned
than have a child without the support of my husband.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Carolyn,
It's nice that you remember me! And actually, I am pleased to report that
things are no longer difficult for me at all. I'm the blissfully happy mommy
of a 16 month old little girl, who we adopted at birth. A week from today
we sign up with our adoption agency for baby #2. Life couldn't be better!

I stand by my statement that you two could use couples counseling, though.
If you aren't comfortable talking to your husband, and he you, about the
real issues in life, then you don't have much of a marriage, or at least it
needs some tweaking. If he is your partner, then you need to be able to
talk to him about anything. Anything less than open honest communication --
well, I just don't understand.

I mean obviously, sometimes conversations are hard to start. Let him know
ahead of time that you want to talk at dinner tonight, then make a reso,
hire a baby sitter for the kids, go out to a nice mellow restaurant, open a
bottle of wine, and let him know that you guys need to have some good,
one-on-one adult time, and talk about some stuff. He'll be forewarned that
a real conversation is coming up, not just chit-chat, and might even worry
that it's something much more serious than whether or not to have a third
child! He might be so relieved that you aren't going to ask for a divorce
that he'll say YES! kidding The issue at hand may be timing, and he
might not be ready. But together, you can work out some issues and find out
if it's even an option yet.

As I said above, dh and I are about to embark on the journey and adventure
to #2. I've already told Rob that I want 3. He feels pretty set that 2 is
enough. I told him at one point that I didn't really know if I'd ACTUALLY
want 3 either, once we get 2, but that I wanted the OPTION for 3. I wanted
to bookmark 3, so that if when #2 was 2 years old, if I started getting
broody again, and brought up going for another, he couldn't say, "WHAT? You
never said anything about 3!" I told him I reserve the right to stop at 2,
but I want the option to discuss 3. He was fine with that!
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html

avalonphotography wrote:

Jamie,
I remember you from when I was on the newsgroup before and I very
sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you. I don't want
you to misunderstand about me and my husband because we have a great
relationship and he is a great guy. He is a good father and we share
all the childcare responsibilities and the kids adore him. He is a
quiet man which is usually a blessing but neither one of us is
completely comfortable talking about our feelings so I'm a little
chicken to bring up the third baby talk. I did ask him if he would
agree to leave the topic open to discussion a few months ago and he
said yes. He came from a family with two siblings, a boy and a girl,
just like he has now so he is not as open to three as I am because I
grew up in a family with three children. I adore my children and I
love watching them grow and change and become individuals. I never
thought I would want another one but I do, I want that experience
again and to have three times the love and joy that my children bring
to me. That is why I want another baby, no other reason.
Unfortunately a lot of men see and feel things differently than women
so trying to explain all this to a man can be a bit of a challenge
because a man can never know what it is like to carry a child and to
give birth to and nurse that child. The whole journey is an incedible
experience that I want to have just once more in my lifetime because
life is just so short. My children are growing fast and before I no
it they will be grown and gone.

Carolyn



In your husband's defense, he doesn't know what it's like
to carry a child, but he DOES know what it's like to
support a family and an added baby means an additional 50% in
child-raising costs, college, etc.

In addition, how does he (or YOU for that matter) know
that you will be satisfied with "just one more"? And a
third child will grow up and go away just as quickly as
the first two. In addition, third child complicates space
issues like carseats, bedrooms, etc.

gloria p

In your husband's defense, he doesn't know what it's like
to carry a child, but he DOES know what it's like to
support a family and an added baby means an additional 50% in
child-raising costs, college, etc.

In addition, how does he (or YOU for that matter) know
that you will be satisfied with "just one more"? And a
third child will grow up and go away just as quickly as
the first two. In addition, third child complicates space
issues like carseats, bedrooms, etc.

gloria p

Actually adding #3 was the easiest. We already had a van, kids can share
rooms, etc...I certainly never saw my 3rd (or 4th) as a "complication".

Sophie
#4 due 7/7/04 - 4th c-section

Jamie,
Congratulations on the adoption of your little girl. I just wanted
to say that my husband and I really don't have any problems in our
relationship, we are best friends and have been for over 8 years now.
We share everything and we usually talk about everything. We make all
our decisions together and we keep no secrets. We never fight with
eachother because we love and accept eachother faults and all.
Sometimes I think he is not helping around the house as much as he
should but that is just the way he is, he wasn't raised to do chores
around the house so it has been a bit of an adjustment for him. I
have always been nervouse to spontaneously start a conversation
especially when it invloves something really important to me. I was
like that even with my parents and now I am the same way sometimes
with my husband. He can talk to me about anything without any
hesitation but it takes me a little longer to get up my nerve. I did
ask him long ago to keep the topic of a third child open for
discussion and he said yes. My husband is younger than me by 6 years
and I sometimes feel that he was thrown into the role of husband and
father before he got to experience life as we were married in his last
year of university. He assures me that me and the kids are his life
and that he loves us but a tiny part of me sometimes feels that he had
to take on too much responsibility too soon. That is the main reason
I was hesitant to tell him just how very much I want another baby. As
it is we did talk a couple of nights ago, he listened to me without
interruption and he said nothing either for or against the idea so I
think he needs some time to think about it. Anyway, I just wanted to
let you know that we do have a great relationship and we can be
ourselves with eachother and talk about anything and depend on
eachother for everything.

Carolyn
Robyn 06/01/00 and Lucas 02/01/02




"Jamie Clark" wrote in message nk.net...
Carolyn,
It's nice that you remember me! And actually, I am pleased to report that
things are no longer difficult for me at all. I'm the blissfully happy mommy
of a 16 month old little girl, who we adopted at birth. A week from today
we sign up with our adoption agency for baby #2. Life couldn't be better!

I stand by my statement that you two could use couples counseling, though.
If you aren't comfortable talking to your husband, and he you, about the
real issues in life, then you don't have much of a marriage, or at least it
needs some tweaking. If he is your partner, then you need to be able to
talk to him about anything. Anything less than open honest communication --
well, I just don't understand.

I mean obviously, sometimes conversations are hard to start. Let him know
ahead of time that you want to talk at dinner tonight, then make a reso,
hire a baby sitter for the kids, go out to a nice mellow restaurant, open a
bottle of wine, and let him know that you guys need to have some good,
one-on-one adult time, and talk about some stuff. He'll be forewarned that
a real conversation is coming up, not just chit-chat, and might even worry
that it's something much more serious than whether or not to have a third
child! He might be so relieved that you aren't going to ask for a divorce
that he'll say YES! kidding The issue at hand may be timing, and he
might not be ready. But together, you can work out some issues and find out
if it's even an option yet.

As I said above, dh and I are about to embark on the journey and adventure
to #2. I've already told Rob that I want 3. He feels pretty set that 2 is
enough. I told him at one point that I didn't really know if I'd ACTUALLY
want 3 either, once we get 2, but that I wanted the OPTION for 3. I wanted
to bookmark 3, so that if when #2 was 2 years old, if I started getting
broody again, and brought up going for another, he couldn't say, "WHAT? You
never said anything about 3!" I told him I reserve the right to stop at 2,
but I want the option to discuss 3. He was fine with that!
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html