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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)



 
 
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  #1  
Old May 11th 06, 07:14 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge.

I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice
to have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her
flowers & a card, because she is my mom, right?

But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the
thought of it all?

My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but
almost always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such.

I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a
"renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows
alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also.
We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just
'let things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake
I make, even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also
tends to give advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog,
weather asked for or not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take
that away from her.

The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the
point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how
DS is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so
bad that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone
just so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her
because I knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some
stupid, silly reason.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had
it' & want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a
guy & just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go
on forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me,
or I will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2,
ya think!?!)

Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when
every single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason
or another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't
think I can handle it anymore.

Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her
fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past
that I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth
& nail about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually
taken from how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc...

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I guess I am looking for advice


  #2  
Old May 11th 06, 01:28 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)




"Denise~*" wrote in message
m...
This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge.

I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to
have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers &
a card, because she is my mom, right?

But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought
of it all?

My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost
always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such.

I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a
"renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows
alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also.
We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let
things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make,
even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give
advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or
not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her.

The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the
point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS
is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad
that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just
so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I
knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly
reason.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it'
& want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy &
just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on
forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I
will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya
think!?!)

Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every
single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or
another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I
can handle it anymore.

Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her
fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that
I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail
about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from
how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc...

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I guess I am looking for advice



I think you and I are long lost sisters then. My mother is similar. In
addition to all this has a poor me attitude regardless of any situation and
loves to be the centre of all attention only to say she isn't like that. She
makes me feel so bad about myself some times, I am physically sick. A few
years ago, I ended up seeing a shrink that said the entire room is full of
her and her problems when I am around so I never had a chance to express my
own emotions... if that makes sense. It's always about her. She too has
told me I cause all the fights and I am nasty etc...

I wish I could give you some advice but that would mean I'd feel better too
and I don't. The thing is, when I do give her a mother's day card, she
immediately looks at the price on the back ... always has then will
literally toss it aside. A while later will say how she never buys cards
because they are such a waste of money. I haven't had a birthday card in
YEARS. All in all, I guess what I've come to realize is, for someone that
old or someone that set in their ways, there is no changing them but you can
try (and I mean try) to help how it affects you.

Sorry I can't help more. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day to YOU


  #3  
Old May 11th 06, 01:46 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)


"Denise~*" wrote in message
m...
This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge.

I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to
have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers &
a card, because she is my mom, right?


Hm... I've never really noticed too many commercials for Mother's Day...
Then again, don't watch all that much TV.
I picked up a pack of those outdoor patio solar lights that my brother still
owes me half for

But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought
of it all?


I'll change the Mother's Day commercials to those silly technical colleges
that are constantly on the New York area channel... Every commercial is for
some technical institute or another, and it's bang, bang, bang for those!

My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost
always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such.


Sounds like the relationship I have with my mom...

I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a
"renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows
alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also.
We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let
things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make,
even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give
advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or
not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her.


Yes, that's my problem, I think, as well. You can tell my mom the grass is
green, but if she wants it to be purple, it will be. No debates. It's
frustrating. I find she tends to hang on to the negative as well. Point
out the wrong and bad no matter what, but yes, she does love the kids and
that is something that I know is good. She has a good relationship with
them and I know she'd really do anything for them, aside from admitting
grass really is green.

The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the
point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS
is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad
that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just
so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I
knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly
reason.


There's times when I see she's calling and I debate on answering or not.
Almost every time I do, and a simple conversation about something small can
often turn into a phone call that I just want to slam the phone down on.
Or, I will call with a simple question or looking for a simple bit of advice
and I get an earful about that, or something totally unrelated... "Oh! He
ALWAYS picks up his toys at MY house. Why can't he do that at home?? It's
such a disaster!" or, "Why do you need more junk?? You have so much sh*t
you don't need more garbage in the house! That's so useless and just what
you need, isn't it?" (this happened last weekend when I was given an
aquarium for free from a lady, and it was a custom built, large tank fit
into an old cabinet-style TV box.) My grandma even had to go out to the
truck before she went home to come back in and say how ugly, banged up and
gross it was, yet I knew before that this thing could possibly use a sanding
down and refinishing, just to look pretty... Something I thought would and
could be a fun thing to do with time. So stupid and pointless, yet there
was a fight rated at 7.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it'
& want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy &
just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on
forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I
will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya
think!?!)


Yes, guys usually have great advice. lol DH is the same. Just don't call.
Just let the answering machine get it. Just don't go there... Problem is,
we're there often. Every Saturday for sure, anyways, as DS has dance class
on her side of the city, so she often takes him or comes along. Oh, his
shirt is dirty, oh, his socks are waaaay too big. Well, I just tell her,
sorry, I don't crawl under his bed to round up his laundry when I remind him
every day to put dirty laundry in the basket in his room that's provided.
Socks? Well, my mom bought those socks that I often sit down and question
if they're DSs or DHs socks! It can sometimes turn into a fight between DS
and I if I tell him to change his socks, as no, he wants *those* socks.
Whatever. They're socks.

Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every
single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or
another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I
can handle it anymore.


In a way it is all little and petty, and even sometimes stupid. I kind of
know where you're coming from, and I find that I have very little to offer
as far as advice go, but you do have my sympathy and understanding, if that
helps... Sometimes talking gets nowhere, other than into another heated
discussion, and sometimes not talking gets nowhere, other than a delayed
heated discussion.

Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her
fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that
I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail
about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from
how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc...


Haha maybe we just have the same mom... It's my fault that I can't keep the
house in perfect order because I really don't have anything better to do
than constantly pick up after the kids. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming,
cleaning - that's what I need to spend my entire time doing, I guess, which
obviously isn't really possible... There's other things in life, and I
figure if it's cluttered yet not dirty, there's a big difference right
there. Toys all over are better than food rotting on the tables and
counters or whatever, I think... I find that when I get someone being rude
to me, I tend to go back with a rude reaction. Probably not right, but when
I get it, I find that I get rude as well without being able to help it,
maybe.

If you were in this situation, what would you do?


I really don't know, as I have very little advice for myself... Would maybe
writing a letter be possible? Write a letter and drop it off in the mail no
matter if she lives far or close. Figure out about how long it would take
for a hand written letter to get to her and then maybe make big plans to be
out and about on the day or couple days surrounding that day the letter
should arrive to her (so you have a valid excuse as to why you weren't
around had she decided to call you) and then it's like, 'Oh, I'm sorry, we
were out' and not, 'Oh, my apologies. I was avoiding you and didn't pick
up the phone when I was home.'
Maybe a letter is more personal than an email, for example, and I find with
letters, you can sit down and gather your own thoughts and say things
properly without being forced to reply in the moment (as with a phone call
or face to face) With letters, a person can sit down and take the time to
read and have some time to react and possibly think about their own
reactions.
If you just sit down and even write a whole novel or graphing calculator
bible, then you can just get it all out in the open. You can simply say
you're writing to give you time to gather up your own thoughts and emotions,
rather than react on a fly. There won't be a reaction from her at the drop
of a pin and if she does still anyways and picks that phone up to give you
and earful, at least you'll be out at the park, down at the mall, having a
nice dinner, whatever. She'll have more time to digest everything and
maybe - MAYBE - be able to react and respond in a responsible, mature and
proper manner. Time to cool off if she really doesn't like reading that you
don't like something she has said and done, or says and does.

I guess I am looking for advice


I'm horrible for advice, especially when I probably am the last person who
should offer advice! Maybe a letter?


  #4  
Old May 11th 06, 02:11 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

Denise~* wrote:

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I guess I am looking for advice


Thank goodness I am not in that situation, because
I can see that it would be really, really frustrating.
I don't think there's any easy answer here, and
certainly not one that's likely to feel very satisfying
to you. I *think* what I'd do is:

1) Don't take it personally. You know you mother has
some issues, for whatever reason, that cause her to
do this. You can't stop her from doing it, but you
*can*, to some extent, control your reaction to what
she does. When you have an obstinate toddler who's
pushing every button you have, you know not to take
that personally and realize that they're two and that's
just the way it is. You don't let that behavior make
you feel bad about yourself. You just try to find
effective ways to cope. You can do the same here.
Don't give you mother the power to affect how you
feel about yourself. You might feel sad that your
relationship has difficulties, or annoyed that she
persists in this behavior, but you don't have to take
her criticisms to heart. Even when there may be a grain
of truth to them, you can elect to take the constructive
part of the criticism and ignore the rest.

2) You can try to engage in a bit of behavior modification.
For instance, if she starts in on an argument, you
can say, "Sorry, Mom, but I don't really feel like
arguing right now. We'll just have to agree to disagree."
If she keeps on, then say, "Mom, I'm not going to argue
now. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone
(and ignore any callbacks). If you're with her, gather
up your stuff and leave. Don't put yourself in positions
where you can't leave. Resist the temptation to throw
in a parting shot where you try to "win" or make additional
jabs about how her behavior is inappropriate. She can't
fight with you if you're not there. Repeat ad nauseam,
always starting with a clean slate (i.e., don't pick up
the argument next time, and keep giving her a chance
not to get into it with you).

This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves
a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop
the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because
you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take
her criticisms personally.

Best wishes,
Ericka
  #5  
Old May 11th 06, 05:59 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

I don't think you are being little or petty.

My husband's mother is extremely like this, and we have *very* limited
contact. She was trying to manipulate us and get in between us (just to
hurt my dh), and my husband put his foot down and said "no more". He
has told them repeatedly that when they are willing to sit down and
discuss the issues between them and work toward having a better
relationship then they can contact him then. That was 7.5 years ago. We
attempted reconciliation (me begging his dad to get his mom to talk to
us about stuff--once before his sister's wedding, and once directly to
her when I was pg) in person once March and April of 2005. She became
verbally abusive, and he decided to cut off contact completely except
mail. That became verbally abusive, so he now sends everything unopened
"Return to Sender" on it. If they really want to contact us, we told
them repeatedly that they can send a real note (not just forwards) via
email or call us directly. They have chosen to do neither. So they have
never met their grandson by their choice.

While it is a cruddy situation, I am grateful to my husband for making
all the decisions (even when I felt they were extreme). I have been
spared *tons* of hurtful comments and snide remarks (although she hides
it well in public usually), and my son feels positively towards
Grandmama and Granddaddy because while he doesn't ever see them, he
knows them through photos and such as the people who send him presents
on his birthday and at Christmas. He's been buffered from the situation
too. If he had contact with them, I know eventually there would be
negative feelings toward them, which is just sad.

It's a hard situation, and you have to decide what is right for you,
your dh, and your children. If that means you suck it up (and I
recommend counseling for you if you do to help you learn how to let
things roll of your back) or if that means you limit contact in any
fashion, you need to make sure that it is right for you and your
family. No two situations are exactly the same, so I can't tell you
what to do in your situation, I can just give you my experience.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Sharalyn
mom to Alexander James (9/21/01)

  #6  
Old May 11th 06, 09:32 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Denise~* wrote:

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I guess I am looking for advice


Thank goodness I am not in that situation, because
I can see that it would be really, really frustrating.
I don't think there's any easy answer here, and
certainly not one that's likely to feel very satisfying
to you. I *think* what I'd do is:

1) Don't take it personally. You know you mother has
some issues, for whatever reason, that cause her to
do this. You can't stop her from doing it, but you
*can*, to some extent, control your reaction to what
she does. When you have an obstinate toddler who's
pushing every button you have, you know not to take
that personally and realize that they're two and that's
just the way it is. You don't let that behavior make
you feel bad about yourself. You just try to find
effective ways to cope. You can do the same here.
Don't give you mother the power to affect how you
feel about yourself. You might feel sad that your
relationship has difficulties, or annoyed that she
persists in this behavior, but you don't have to take
her criticisms to heart. Even when there may be a grain
of truth to them, you can elect to take the constructive
part of the criticism and ignore the rest.

2) You can try to engage in a bit of behavior modification.
For instance, if she starts in on an argument, you
can say, "Sorry, Mom, but I don't really feel like
arguing right now. We'll just have to agree to disagree."
If she keeps on, then say, "Mom, I'm not going to argue
now. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone
(and ignore any callbacks). If you're with her, gather
up your stuff and leave. Don't put yourself in positions
where you can't leave. Resist the temptation to throw
in a parting shot where you try to "win" or make additional
jabs about how her behavior is inappropriate. She can't
fight with you if you're not there. Repeat ad nauseam,
always starting with a clean slate (i.e., don't pick up
the argument next time, and keep giving her a chance
not to get into it with you).

This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves
a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop
the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because
you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take
her criticisms personally.

Best wishes,
Ericka


I agree whole heartedly with Ericka's post. It takes two to tango, and you
can only get into arguements with your mother if you participate. If she is
determined to say that the sky is green and the grass is blue, as Ericka
said, you just pretend that she's an ornery toddler, agree with her, and
move on. If she says something mean, rude or cutting, you can pity the fact
that she needs to put you down to feel superior or better about herself, not
take it personally, and remove yourself and your children from the
situation.

In the end, you have to accept your mother's faults, and accept the reality
of who she is, and the relationship that exists. It's not all flowers and
hugs. It is what it is, and you either want it in your life (as is) or you
don't. If you aren't ready and willing to cut her out, then you have to
accept her for who she is, take the good and not fret about the rest. If
there is no good, then I don't know why you wouldn't be ready to cut her out
of your life But it sounds to me like there is some good to her and the
relationship, or you wouldn't want to be calling her still.

Good luck.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03
Addison Grace, 9/30/04

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
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  #7  
Old May 12th 06, 06:09 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

Engram wrote:
Don't know what I would do because I'm in a very similar situation.


Yipes, you certainly do, and then some. Thanks for sharing!

If counselling or therapy is an option, maybe try that. There is an approach
called "brief therapy", where you agree with the therapist to a limited
number of sessions where you deal with a particular set of issues. If a
psychologist is too expensive, maybe find a therapist (they don't have to
have a degree in psych but are well trained in what they do).


Yep, I know. I was a Psych major & Soc minor in College. I have
thought of therapy. Not _with_ her, but just so I can handle her better.

Or find yourself a book. "Toxic Parents" would be fairly old by now. I'm not
sure what's currently available as I haven't practiced in the last few
years.


That sounds interesting. I also bought a book a while ago. I think it
was called "how to cope with difficult people" I bought it not only for
help with my mother, but my work (I deal with brides) :-)
I need to pull that out & give myself a refresher. I'll check out the
other one too. Thanks!

HTH!

Kasia

  #8  
Old May 12th 06, 06:25 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Posts: n/a
Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

xkatx wrote:

Or, I will call with a simple question or looking for a simple bit of advice
and I get an earful about that, or something totally unrelated...


OMG, yes!

you need, isn't it?" (this happened last weekend when I was given an
aquarium for free from a lady, and it was a custom built, large tank fit
into an old cabinet-style TV box.) My grandma even had to go out to the
truck before she went home to come back in and say how ugly, banged up and
gross it was, yet I knew before that this thing could possibly use a sanding
down and refinishing, just to look pretty... Something I thought would and
could be a fun thing to do with time.


That does sound like fun. You have my thumbs up on that one. Although
DH would be saying the same thing your mom does about things like that.
I'm a huge pack-rat & I love to re-finish furniture.

I'm horrible for advice, especially when I probably am the last person who
should offer advice! Maybe a letter?


Naw, for some parents, a letter just might be OK, but I think it would
just **** her off. Thanks for helping & sharing though!
  #9  
Old May 12th 06, 06:42 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves
a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop
the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because
you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take
her criticisms personally.

Best wishes,
Ericka


Yep, it's hard not to react. I think that's MY issue. Need to work on
that. Thanks!
  #10  
Old May 12th 06, 06:44 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
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Default OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

Jamie Clark wrote:

don't. If you aren't ready and willing to cut her out, then you have to
accept her for who she is, take the good and not fret about the rest. If
there is no good, then I don't know why you wouldn't be ready to cut her out
of your life But it sounds to me like there is some good to her and the
relationship, or you wouldn't want to be calling her still.

Good luck.


Yes, there is still some good, just that the bad makes the good fade in
comparison. I'll try to bite my tongue, too. :-/
 




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