postnatal visitors

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Of course you absolutely ought to have the right to decide whether and when to
have visitors, but the reason people with kids may not understand is because
they felt differently.

Whenever I have a baby, I WANT people to visit, starting at the hospital, as
frequently as possible. I am prone to PPD, and lots of company helps with
that. So keep in mind at least that your visitors may mean well.

Leslie

It sounds like you're going to have to make your feelings clearer. If they
call up and state their intent to visit and you're not feeling up to it,
just say outright that now is not a good time, could they wait a while or
else arrange an alternate time that would suit you both. If they just call
round (which is rude IMO) you could ignore the doorbell and pretend to be
sleeping.
Practicing a little assertiveness now is going to do you good later on ;-)

"Abi" wrote in message
m...
Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Subject: postnatal visitors
From: (Abi)
Date: 5/1/2004 9:07 PM US Mountain Standard Time
Message-id:

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

I guess I will never understand why people have such a problem when family and
friends want to come around to see a new baby. I have always found them
helpful. I think I would be offended if they didn't come around. Especially
if I were sick and had a newborn.

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything.

I have read and heard that you shouldn't expose a new infant to alot of
people 6 weeks post-partum. This is because the infant's immune system
isn't well developed and could catch something easily from other people. We
have friends who are wanting to come over and see our 1 mo. old preemie, but
I am sticking to my guns and saying that we can't expose her to visitors or
large crowds (going to the mall) until she reaches that 6 week post-partum
timeframe. I'd rather have a healthy and unsick baby than friends who's
feelings are getting hurt because they are told no. They'll get over it.

I had a very plugged milk duct myself which didn't lead to mastitis, but it
was a HORRIBLE feeling. I couldn't imagine having visitors during that time
yet alone having them with mastitis. I agree with everything you are
saying. Let the visitors wait. Like you said, it's not like you are
leaving the country.

In article ,
CrystalRGarcia74 wrote:
Subject: postnatal visitors
From: (Abi)
Date: 5/1/2004 9:07 PM US Mountain Standard Time
Message-id:

Hi,

It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors.

I guess I will never understand why people have such a problem when family and
friends want to come around to see a new baby. I have always found them
helpful. I think I would be offended if they didn't come around. Especially
if I were sick and had a newborn.

This is such an individual thing. I'm not looking forward to the hovering
crowds once our baby is born - but fortunately my family and friends know
I cope better when I cocoon a bit. (I also have no problem just not
answering the doorbell. ;-))

In our birth center packet was a proposed note to be sent to family members,
or even taped to the front door. It basically said "Thanks so much for all
your wonderful wishes! We're busy right now becoming a new family together,
so we're not really up for visitors; but we'll be in touch soon with
updates."

Abi, your difficulty is that there has now been a precedent set. Do you have
someone in your circle of family and friends that would understand if you
told them you guys needed to be left alone for a while? Someone who'd be
able to get the word out to the others, so you wouldn't have to repeat
yourself? I think most people really *do* mean well, and would rather wait
a while to see the baby if they honestly understand you're not ready for
company yet.

Good luck. I hate company when I'm sick, too!

Liz
EDD 5/22/04


--

"No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. Man's reason and
spirit have often solved the seemingly unsolvable - and we believe they
can do it again." -- John F. Kennedy, 6/10/1963

I had a notice for my door which read
"Mother and baby sleeping. Please come back later."

My DH also set up as border guard and repelled all comers.
S

On 1 May 2004 21:07:49 -0700, (Abi) wrote:

Then friends and family asked to come over every day since then,
which I have let them do.

Stop doing that.

To make matters worse is that even if I say I am not feeling well
(I had mastitis with a high fever), they still insist on coming over
to see the baby. It's as if no one cares about my feelings and
whether I feel up to having visitors. For once, I would like people
to come through the door and ask me first how I am feeling and then
go and see the baby afterwards. I expected those people who have had
kids to understand, but they dont seem to.

First of all, lock the door and don't answer it if you're not feeling up
to company. Change the outgoing message on your machine; 'we're resting
and will call you back later'. Second, talk to your husband about
supporting you and setting some boundaries with visitors. 'We're
awfully tired, how about you come back between two and four today?'

If you have expectations, it's best if you verbalize them.
Unfortunately, common sense isn't particularly common, or your
family/friends' experiences with new mothers don't track well to how
you're feeling.

You have to advocate for yourself, your husband has to advocate for
himself, and you both need to advocate for each other and the baby.
Tapped out is totally not a good space with a newborn. If you're
stressed by company, *say so*, excuse yourself to your room, take the
baby with you, and close the door.

On 1 May 2004 21:07:49 -0700, (Abi) wrote:

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.

They'll continue to take advantage if you let them.... practice saying
"no, we need some rest".
If they insist, stand your ground.

It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Oh, I hear you. My in-laws wanted to drive 10 hours to visit us 4
days after A was born. I was trying to recover from a c-section and
had no desire for *any* visitors. They're still ticked off that I
told them no. Too bad, they'll get over it eventually.

Nan

Hi Abi,

I understand where you are coming from...I was happy to have my immediate
family visit after the birth, but just didn't feel like seeing friends and
extended family right away. I had talked all of this over with my friends
ahead of time, and so they waited until I invited them to come visit. Some
of my extended family, however, called to tell me they were coming a week
after the birth. I told them no for the very first time in my life, and it
was so hard! They were angry and hurt at first (even though I made it clear
that we would really love to see them, but that we wanted to wait a week
because we were too tired and overwhelmed), but they got over it, and we had
a wonderful visit a week later when we were feeling much better prepared for
guests.

I'd try suggesting alternate times for people to visit (and maybe try to get
everyone to visit on one particular day so you only have to clean once and
get some sleep the other days). Also, I know some women wear their PJs for
the first few weeks all day long... guests tend not to stay as long if you
do. I just wore lounge pants and a t-shirt...and threw a robe on whenever
the door rang. Then when visitors came in, they'd ask if they had woken me.
I'd say no, but that I was just about to lay down for a nap. Then I'd get to
see them, but they wouldn't stay quite as long as they might have otherwise.

Best of luck!
Michelle