Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself

In article , Cheryl S. says...

"Sonnie B." wrote in message
. com...
We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

Commuting and parenting can both be very stressful, or very enjoyable,
at times. It is all in the attitude of the person doing the activity.
To me the main difference is that when you are commuting, you are not
interrupted with 100 requests an hour and can actually complete a mental
train of thought. That is something I would love to have, but commuting
would not necessarily be a fun way to get it. Has your wife considered
books on tape or other ways to make her commute time more enjoyable? I
agree with her, that commuting is not a good time to talk on the phone
or eat bagels.

Well, I suppose you could think of the 100 requests per hour as kind of a
musical, enjoyable thing. It's all in the attitude, after all....

If someone finds commuting stressful, I think that's worth as much consideration
as what you find stressful. If a couple is to come kind of solution, this idea
that *your* stressful time is less stressful than *my* stressful time had better
go out the window before real discussion even can start.

Banty

I
agree with her, that commuting is not a good time to talk on the phone
or eat bagels.
--
Cheryl S.
(SAH)Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 7 months


Actually that's when Dylan makes most of his calls to family and friends
(hands-free of course).

Commuting through traffic is definitely not time alone.
It is a time of complex interactions with a lot of other
people (the other drivers on the road), often requiring
immediate responses to the actions of those other people.

It may feel like time alone to some people. But taking
the children to the playground can also feel like
time alone to some people. Watching for danger while
the children play can be similar to watching for danger
while driving; actually watching the children play can
be less stressful because maybe most of the time you're
not doing anything, while driving you do have to keep
steering all the time. (Or, watching the children can
be more stressful, depending on how often you have to act, etc.)

Look for questions that, when you ask them, it will help
your marriage rather than tear you apart. "Who's contributing
more?" will tear your marriage apart. "How can we make
things better for both of us?" or "How can I help my
spouse?" or "What are my needs? What are my spouse's needs?"
will help your marriage.

Why not move to a home that's closer to your spouse's work,
so there's no stressful one-hour commute? Help save the
environment (and save money) at the same time.

Why don't you listen to tapes while supervising the children
at the playground? Or stop for a bagel, bringing the children?
See what you can do to make being with the children fun
and relaxing for yourself.
--
Cathy

Hbby is a 45 minutte one way commuter..... he doesn't feel that it is time
to himself to be in the car commuting. I am a stay at home mother and I
feel that I need time to myself just as much as my DH.

Time to yourself means, playing a game on the computer, going for a walk
alone ( or hiring a sitter so you can go together), time to yourself means
not just being alone without the kids or a spouse it means doing something
you WANT to do not something that HAS to be done.

Karen


"Sonnie B." wrote in message
om...
My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee,
go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the
phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just
time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read
if she chose.

She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Cheryl S.
says...
To me the main difference is that when you are commuting,
you are not interrupted with 100 requests an hour and can
actually complete a mental train of thought. That is
something I would love to have, but commuting would not
necessarily be a fun way to get it.

If someone finds commuting stressful, I think that's worth as
much consideration as what you find stressful. If a couple is
to come kind of solution, this idea that *your* stressful time
is less stressful than *my* stressful time had better go out the
window before real discussion even can start.

I wasn't saying that as comparing "my" stress to "your" stress. I was
comparing my experience with commuting 45-60 minutes one way (prior to
kids) to my experience as a SAHM.
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 7 months

In article , Cheryl S. says...

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Cheryl S.
says...
To me the main difference is that when you are commuting,
you are not interrupted with 100 requests an hour and can
actually complete a mental train of thought. That is
something I would love to have, but commuting would not
necessarily be a fun way to get it.

If someone finds commuting stressful, I think that's worth as
much consideration as what you find stressful. If a couple is
to come kind of solution, this idea that *your* stressful time
is less stressful than *my* stressful time had better go out the
window before real discussion even can start.

I wasn't saying that as comparing "my" stress to "your" stress. I was
comparing my experience with commuting 45-60 minutes one way (prior to
kids) to my experience as a SAHM.

Well, you can compare *your* stress to *your* other stress. But you can't say
for *another* person, that a book-on-tape would "fix it" for them such that they
would then experience the commute as downtime or constructive alone-time.

I took what you said as a suggestion that any SAH parent would be more stressed
out by "100 requests an hour" than anyone who commutes would be.

Banty

On 26 Apr 2004 09:34:25 -0700, (Sonnie B.) wrote:

My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

I would've given the same reply. Oh, *technically* it's time
to herself since she is, after all, alone in the car. But if it isn't
something that she enjoys, such as a hobby, then it isn't the kind of
"time to herself" that she, and every parent, deserves.

She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

That isn't time to yourself either.

Obviously we both have valid points on the topic.

It depends on what the point of the discussion is. If the
point is whether or not she deserves "time to herself", or down time,
at home, then no, I don't think your *possible* point of view (that
her car time counts as down time?) is valid. It might be to some, but
not to her, and it certainly wouldn't be to me either. But you may
not feel that way, and it could be an off guess on my part.

Each parent needs built-in times in which they can be 100% on
their own, in or out of the house, on a regular basis. How often, and
how it would be structured, depends upon those involved.


P. Tierney

"JennP" wrote in message
news:bFejc.42732$_L6.2653396@attbi_s53...
IMO, "time to yourself" is a block of time doing something *for* yourself
and both spouses should have this time, SAM, or WO/AM. For example, dh and
I
both make sure that each other get enough time to enjoy our hobbies. He
golfs and I scrapbook (where I leave the house for 6 hour crops). The time
works out to be about equal but no one here is keeping track. We both feel
satisfied that we can persue hobbies and have time to ourselves in
addition
to quality time together and family time. JMO.

And a very good opinion it is.

Just a "me too" to what JennP and Ericka et al have said - the important
issue isn't whether taking the kids to the park/commuting is relaxing or
not. The real issue seems to be whether everyone is getting enough downtime
to be happy. And I'm of the opinion that that changes every day, for each
person. (background: I work outside the home three days a week, SAHM the
other four). Last night my darling daughter was behaving abominably, and
thank god her father came home early and jumped right in to take her off my
hands, because I was about to scream. Did he get any downtime yesterday?
Nope. (But he averted homicide, so that must be a comfort to him.) Tonight
he is going out to play poker, so I won't get any downtime. But over the
course of a week/month, things even out.

BTW: my personal take on the park/commuter thing is that neither counts as
time off. Commuting can be incredibly stressful, and time with the kids in
the park is still time when you are the responsible parent. That's work on
both ends.

Donna

(Sonnie B.) wrote in message . com...
My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
time to herself.
She completely disagreed.
She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

I've done both; and though I found playing with kids significantly
more fun that driving in traffic, I would say that neither was really
time to myself. Driving in light traffic, though, was closer to "me"
time than anything involving the kids, because of the need -- as
another poster mentioned -- to be "on" all the time with small
children.

I would generally take a couple of hours of actual "me" time when
everyone else was asleep. I learned to do with a good deal less sleep
than in my pre-Mom days.

Rupa

"Banty" wrote in message
...
Well, you can compare *your* stress to *your* other stress.
But you can't say for *another* person, that a book-on-tape
would "fix it" for them such that they would then experience
the commute as downtime or constructive alone-time.

I took what you said as a suggestion that any SAH parent
would be more stressed out by "100 requests an hour" than
anyone who commutes would be.

Well clearly you misunderstood my entire post then because first, I
didn't say a book on tape would "fix" anything. I just *asked* if the
OP's wife had ever *considered* using those *or anything else* as a way
to make communting more enjoyable for herself. Since she doesn't enjoy
it at all now, a suggestion like that could be helpful IMO. I don't see
how it would make her enjoy it *less*, anyway. Why shouldn't she try
and enjoy her commute *as much as possible* since it must be done
whether she enjoys it or not? Where did you get that I thought a book
on tape would make it "downtime or constructive alone-time"?

Second, the *first* thing I wrote (but you snipped in your first reply)
was that both commuting and parenting can be stressful or enjoyable.
Which means that for some people, commuting is more stressful and
parenting is more enjoyable, and vice versa for other people. So I
don't see how you get from there to thinking I made such a sweeping
generalization that all SAH parenting is more stressful than all
commuting unless you are just looking for reasons to argue. I said
SAHPing was more stressful than commuting, in one very specific way,
*"for me"*. The OP asked for "any thoughts" on commuting time vs
SAHP'ing time. Since I've *done* both, I said how they compared for me,
as those were my thoughts on the subject.
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 7 months