wanting suggestions

In 2002 my husband and I divorced due to his abusive behavior towards
the kids and his drinking problems. He was continually drinking and
driving and had 2 convictions. He basically could not handle pure
pressure from people at work to go to bar after hours. I was tired of
being mom and he once threw our 2 yo across the room and split his lip
open. At that time it was enough. We divorced friendly making
agreements to certain holidays to make his family happy such as h is
mother always had a party christmas eve so he had them that night. We
even agreed to a set dollar amount for CS and I promised to not take
him back to court for increases. I agreed to not have any part on his
401K plan which my attorney advised me was really stupid. Instead I
agreed to have the house which was only worth 1/4 his 401K. But I
told my attorney the home for my kids was more important than money at
the time. I also agreed to no alimony support. Luckily for me I was
able to find a job with a great employer he allowed me to bring my 3
kids to work if I could not get a sitter or if they were sick etc...
Well things did not work out well for my employer he had filed
bankruptcy. At that time my exhusband decided to renig on the deal
and went back to get support reduced. So since he backed out on the
agreement the court also forced him to pay all the medical he did not
pay. He did get it lowered I think 11$ That was such a big deal
considered he did not keep his word. Mean while he remarried someone
old enough to be his mother..LOL And the kids hated her because she
was always smoking and swearing at them and calling them names. The
kicker was when he had all 3 sleeping in the same room (male and
female) The oldest was 13 and the girl was already developing and our
state has laws they need to have separate rooms. I would have been ok
with it if he just let my daughter sleep on the couch but no the new
wife was not going to have that. So I had told him he needed to abide
by the laws or child services would be called. Then one of the kids
was getting ill from cigarette smoke from the new wife his doctor
wrote a note that she could not have him in enclosed areas smoking.
Meanwhile my unemployment had ran out and I also had remarried and was
pregnant so who is going to hire a pregnant person who is going to be
on leave soon. Since his word was no good I went back to court to get
CS raised and it went back up to where it was that we originally
agreed to which by the way is a calculation of his wages and my wages
based on minimum wage x 40 hours even though I had no income. He was
very irate with the FOC lady. He stormed out of court. A month later
I received a letter from him telling me he was no longer picking the
kids up and he wanted my husband to adopt them. I then called him
asking how could he do that to them and he basically wanted me to tell
him what to do and I told him I can not tell him what to do he had to
choose what was best for him and the kids and he had to think hard
about it. He decided to not see them. We then spoke to an attorney
and he advised against the adoption since most fathers back out at the
final meeting and he told us to not waste our money. Meanwhile the
kids hate him and want to change their name. He has not seen them in
2 years other than at their grandpas funeral. And in very poor taste
wants a family photo when they are all red faced from tears. If he
wanted to be a family then he needs to take the time to know them.
Anyways now he is not paying support and is the arrears with medical
and CS by March 1 it will be 3100$ in arrears. My question is does
the FOC do a show cause hearing on their own? Or do I have to file
it? If FOC calls for it do I have to be there? He is just so
verbally abusive in public I can't even eat for weeks. If I have to
file it should I? I still have the letters stating he refused to pick
the kids up but he will try to tell them he choose not to because of
me. My mother had a saying for him "if his mouth is moving he is
lying". I am not wanting to do it because I hate the confrontation
with him. You would have to know him to know what I feel he even got
fired from a job for being so big mouthed. I made a promise my kids
would not suffer anymore they endured enough from his physical and
verbal abuse. I have been looking for jobs but it is so difficult to
get one that works with the kids schedule and school etc and I would
put them in daycare but if I can't get support how will he pay
daycare? Thanks for any input.

It seems to me that if your current husband was willing to adopt the
children, that y'all were prepared to do without your children's
father or his money. What has changed?

This is how I see it... right now your children are out of harm's way
if the environment with their father is so bad. Is it really worth
stirring the pot for the sake of money? You cannot make the man have
a relationship with his children, but you can **** him off enough to
make him use the children to get back at you (i.e. exercising
visitation and making the children miserable).

Personally, I'd leave well enough alone.

On 19 Feb 2007 10:24:59 -0800, "Pez" wrote:

In 2002 my husband and I divorced due to his abusive behavior towards
the kids and his drinking problems. He was continually drinking and
driving and had 2 convictions. He basically could not handle pure
pressure from people at work to go to bar after hours. I was tired of
being mom and he once threw our 2 yo across the room and split his lip
open. At that time it was enough. We divorced friendly making
agreements to certain holidays to make his family happy such as h is
mother always had a party christmas eve so he had them that night. We
even agreed to a set dollar amount for CS and I promised to not take
him back to court for increases. I agreed to not have any part on his
401K plan which my attorney advised me was really stupid. Instead I
agreed to have the house which was only worth 1/4 his 401K. But I
told my attorney the home for my kids was more important than money at
the time. I also agreed to no alimony support. Luckily for me I was
able to find a job with a great employer he allowed me to bring my 3
kids to work if I could not get a sitter or if they were sick etc...
Well things did not work out well for my employer he had filed
bankruptcy. At that time my exhusband decided to renig on the deal
and went back to get support reduced. So since he backed out on the
agreement the court also forced him to pay all the medical he did not
pay. He did get it lowered I think 11$ That was such a big deal
considered he did not keep his word. Mean while he remarried someone
old enough to be his mother..LOL And the kids hated her because she
was always smoking and swearing at them and calling them names. The
kicker was when he had all 3 sleeping in the same room (male and
female) The oldest was 13 and the girl was already developing and our
state has laws they need to have separate rooms. I would have been ok
with it if he just let my daughter sleep on the couch but no the new
wife was not going to have that. So I had told him he needed to abide
by the laws or child services would be called. Then one of the kids
was getting ill from cigarette smoke from the new wife his doctor
wrote a note that she could not have him in enclosed areas smoking.
Meanwhile my unemployment had ran out and I also had remarried and was
pregnant so who is going to hire a pregnant person who is going to be
on leave soon. Since his word was no good I went back to court to get
CS raised and it went back up to where it was that we originally
agreed to which by the way is a calculation of his wages and my wages
based on minimum wage x 40 hours even though I had no income. He was
very irate with the FOC lady. He stormed out of court. A month later
I received a letter from him telling me he was no longer picking the
kids up and he wanted my husband to adopt them. I then called him
asking how could he do that to them and he basically wanted me to tell
him what to do and I told him I can not tell him what to do he had to
choose what was best for him and the kids and he had to think hard
about it. He decided to not see them. We then spoke to an attorney
and he advised against the adoption since most fathers back out at the
final meeting and he told us to not waste our money. Meanwhile the
kids hate him and want to change their name. He has not seen them in
2 years other than at their grandpas funeral. And in very poor taste
wants a family photo when they are all red faced from tears. If he
wanted to be a family then he needs to take the time to know them.
Anyways now he is not paying support and is the arrears with medical
and CS by March 1 it will be 3100$ in arrears. My question is does
the FOC do a show cause hearing on their own? Or do I have to file
it? If FOC calls for it do I have to be there? He is just so
verbally abusive in public I can't even eat for weeks. If I have to
file it should I? I still have the letters stating he refused to pick
the kids up but he will try to tell them he choose not to because of
me. My mother had a saying for him "if his mouth is moving he is
lying". I am not wanting to do it because I hate the confrontation
with him. You would have to know him to know what I feel he even got
fired from a job for being so big mouthed. I made a promise my kids
would not suffer anymore they endured enough from his physical and
verbal abuse. I have been looking for jobs but it is so difficult to
get one that works with the kids schedule and school etc and I would
put them in daycare but if I can't get support how will he pay
daycare? Thanks for any input.

Beverly

"Pez" wrote
In 2002 my husband and I divorced due to his abusive behavior towards
the kids and his drinking problems.
...................................
Thanks for any input.
=====
OK--How much is the money worth?
Why did you chose to have another baby when
you cannot support the one(s) you already have?
It appears you got yourself into this by procreating with someone who is,
by your account, dangerous and worthless. You wanted to take away his
parental rights
but now want more support? It seems you should be going back to school and
getting
a better job so YOU can handle YOUR responsibilities better. Women should
not whine about the father's
irresponsibility while refusing to live up to their own--And, since you
chose their father unwisely, your kids ARE
your own responsibility.

No you have it wrong I can support them. I had a good job and well
paid but we live in an area that is not so profitable. A ton of
businesses are closing and putting their jobs to other countries. I
do have some college and it does not help since most jobs are only
minimum wage unless you drive 3 hours. Right now I am running a
business out of my home meanwhile but since it is not a good area,
people want something for nothing. But that is the way it is
everywhere! I can't move without court approval so that takes that
away. But the attorney we talked to believed he would back out so I
am giving him a chance if he wants to see them. I even took them to
his fathers funeral. So don't make it seem I am trying to take them
from him. He knows he can't abuse them because they would talk and
would be in trouble with the law. And yes I should never had married
him but he was on the straight and narrow never falling off the wagon
until a year later and promised he would change. But basically which
I did not include was that he decided also to leave more so because he
found another woman online and thought she was more appealing since
she had the same interests drinking etc... so I did not exactly put
this on myself. Kids are only kids once and I do not think they
should not live life to the fullest before reality hits them once they
graduate HS or college they ahve to work forever. I also have a
special needs child and he is the oldest so it requires more patience
etc. But he never send them cards for their birthday even when he was
picking them up. I realize some men think women are all evil and
trying to take them down the line but everyone should remember to put
the kids first. That is what I am trying to do, I want them to do
everything they dream. Whether it be camp, band, soccer, He is
responsible for 50% and I do supply the other 50%. And as far as
going back to school I have already started that and it will just take
time to finish because with having to be on call all the time for the
special needs child I can not go full time. I just can't believe the
new wife means more than his kids. And Beverly in her post was
correct that is why I do not want to file anything because he may take
it out on the kids. I feel bad for their dad because when he gets old
and has no one he will realize what mistake he made.

"Pez" wrote
No you have it wrong I can support them. I had a good job and well
paid but we live in an area that is not so profitable. A ton of
businesses are closing and putting their jobs to other countries.
........................
I just can't believe the
new wife means more than his kids.
======
Ugh--Don't even go there. That is the mantra of "he's remarried and I've
lost control-- now he will pay."
(More Below)
======
And Beverly in her post was
correct that is why I do not want to file anything because he may take
it out on the kids. I feel bad for their dad because when he gets old
and has no one he will realize what mistake he made.
==
Then-- it seems there would be little, if any, benefit in pursuing him
for time with the kids or child support. Continue being a good role
model for them and showing them that you can be strong and responsible
regardless of their dad. There's probably more merit in letting it go than
battling for
the next 10 +/- years over a piddly amount of money--and your children will
realize
your strength and character when they are grown.
==
==