Giving a card to new baby and mentioning decessed brother, What's your opinion?

My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

Shelley
Mom to 2 boys (4 and 1)

Shelley wrote:

My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

I think it may depend on the individuals involved but I was in a
somewhat similar situation recently - my cousin had twins about six
months ago, one of who died just a few days after birth. Obviously, I
wanted to send them something to let them know we were thinking about
them but wasn't sure quite how to phrase it. I finally decided to just
keep it simple: the gist of it was that we were glad for their good
news, sorry for their sad, that we were thinking about them and to let
us know if there was anything we could do for them. I think you can
worry too much about offending people or saying the wrong thing when
most people will realise that your intentions are good and, in any
case, probably have more important things to worry about than a card. I
do think you're right, though, in that many people would try to gloss
over the sad events (perhaps understandably) but I'm sure the parents
will certainly be thinking about it and would be glad to know that
others are too and that their first child hasn't been forgotten or
airbrushed out of history.

Personally, I would steer away from talking about guardian angels and
the like because I'm not religious in any way and it would make me
uncomfortable (no offence!) but I guess you know the people involved
and would know how they were likely to react to that sort of thing.

Cheers

Helen

"Shelley" wrote in message
oups.com...
My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

I personally don't think I'd acknowledge their first
son in a card congratulating them for their second.
I do think it would be nice if you did that each
year around the anniversary of his birth or death.

However, as they are surely reliving some painful
memories right now, I think you are right in not
wanting to ignore their first son. How about a
short card with just the typical congratulations,
and then a separate letter going more into your
mixed feelings at this event (joy, tinged with a
bit of sorrow), and remembering their first born?

Zorra

As a mom of an angel baby and an earth baby, I really appreciated it when
people acknowledged that Alli wasn't my first child. Too often, you're
expected to have "gotten over it" just by the miracle of getting pregnant
and having a healthy baby, and actually if anything that living child in
your arms makes it even more apparent what you've lost. My angel would be
four now.

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music Specialist/Kindermusik
Mother to Angel Brian Anthony 1/1/2002, 22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
And Allison Joy, 11/25/04 (35 weeks, PIH, Pre-term labor)

Shelley wrote:
My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

My inclination would be to separate the two events.
I would send congratulations for the new baby. At a separate
time (the anniversary would have been good, but sounds like
that's past) I would mention or send something to remember
their loss. I'd be cautious about guardian angel references
unless you know that's consistent with their beliefs.
I don't think it would be a huge faux pas or anything
to mention their previous loss in the card congratulating
them on the new baby, but I think that some people are
already dealing with some pretty conflicting emotions as
a result, so sometimes it can be helpful to acknowledge
both sets of emotions without conflating them so heavily.
Plus, I think if I were in that situation and was saving
the baby's cards, I wouldn't want all the cards in the
baby's scrapbook to be memorials as well as congratulations.
It sort of makes it look like this was a "do over" baby
or something--not that anyone would intend that sentiment,
but I would just feel like the child should be able to
look back at his baby book and not be overwhelmed with
the sadness coming from everyone acknowledging the
previous loss in the same breath as the congratulations
for his birth. So, I'd acknowledge the loss because
I wouldn't want them to feel like I thought a new baby
somehow swept all that under the carpet, but I'd send
it separately.

Best wishes,
Ericka

wrote:
Shelley wrote:

My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

I think it may depend on the individuals involved but I was in a
somewhat similar situation recently - my cousin had twins about six
months ago, one of who died just a few days after birth.

That must have been so hard for them. Talk about conflicting emotions.


Obviously, I
wanted to send them something to let them know we were thinking about
them but wasn't sure quite how to phrase it. I finally decided to just
keep it simple: the gist of it was that we were glad for their good
news, sorry for their sad, that we were thinking about them and to let
us know if there was anything we could do for them. I think you can
worry too much about offending people or saying the wrong thing when
most people will realise that your intentions are good and, in any
case, probably have more important things to worry about than a card. I
do think you're right, though, in that many people would try to gloss
over the sad events (perhaps understandably) but I'm sure the parents
will certainly be thinking about it and would be glad to know that
others are too and that their first child hasn't been forgotten or
airbrushed out of history.

Personally, I would steer away from talking about guardian angels and
the like because I'm not religious in any way and it would make me
uncomfortable (no offence!) but I guess you know the people involved
and would know how they were likely to react to that sort of thing.

You know, I'm not religous either but for whatever reason, that's how I
think of their first baby. Maybe I'll just keep that to myself for
now.

Shelley


Cheers

Helen

Donna Metler wrote:
As a mom of an angel baby and an earth baby, I really appreciated it when
people acknowledged that Alli wasn't my first child. Too often, you're
expected to have "gotten over it" just by the miracle of getting pregnant
and having a healthy baby, and actually if anything that living child in
your arms makes it even more apparent what you've lost. My angel would be
four now.

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music Specialist/Kindermusik
Mother to Angel Brian Anthony 1/1/2002, 22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
And Allison Joy, 11/25/04 (35 weeks, PIH, Pre-term labor)

I like how you word that, Angel baby and earth baby. Thank-you for
your input as a mother who has lost a child. I'm sorry for your loss.

Shelley

In article .com,
"Shelley" wrote:

I think it may depend on the individuals involved but I was in a
somewhat similar situation recently - my cousin had twins about six
months ago, one of who died just a few days after birth.

That must have been so hard for them. Talk about conflicting emotions.

When my twins were small, that was something that would give me
nightmares.

I can't imagine how one deals with grieving the loss of one baby, while
celebrating the life of the other.

I know it happens, and that people survive it -- but I don't know how.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Shelley" wrote in message
oups.com...
My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.
I wouldn't mention it in the card as more than "congratulations on your
second son". I'm not sure I'd even do that, as it could imply a
"replacement".
If you could phrase it in a tactful way, then you could let them know that
mourning the first son at this time is normal, and they're not being morbid
thinking about it.
I've had correspondence with someone who is pregnant after losing their
first, and it has been comforting for them to be told that it is normal to
mourn at this time, and acknowledging that each stage is much harder for
them to go through it all again, even with a "normal" baby. But I'd put it
in a separate letter that they can keep separately from the card.
I wouldn't go for the guardian angel unless they'd talked about it first.
Debbie

Welches wrote:
"Shelley" wrote in message
oups.com...
My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.
I wouldn't mention it in the card as more than "congratulations on your
second son". I'm not sure I'd even do that, as it could imply a
"replacement".
If you could phrase it in a tactful way, then you could let them know that
mourning the first son at this time is normal, and they're not being morbid
thinking about it.
I've had correspondence with someone who is pregnant after losing their
first, and it has been comforting for them to be told that it is normal to
mourn at this time, and acknowledging that each stage is much harder for
them to go through it all again, even with a "normal" baby. But I'd put it
in a separate letter that they can keep separately from the card.
I wouldn't go for the guardian angel unless they'd talked about it first.
Debbie


This seems to be the consensus so that is what I'll do.
Thanks,
Shelley