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Raising children - Being too soft to them?
My question is -
If I am too soft to my child, will he became a weak person when he grows up. I think I am a very soft/sensitive person. DH is also kind of same way. DS is 2 years old. He is happy fun loving kid but very sensitive. He feels sad and starts to cry even if we change the tone in our voice. In the daycare too, he is very touchy and needs personal attention when there is a change (like a new place or new teacher) . He just needs more attention and prefers holding/hugging more often. He is also afraid of elder kids, he does not play with is favorite toy if a big kid is around. This weekend, we went over to friends house who have son same age as my son. That kid something bad, so the mother was scolding him. My son heard that (and maybe thought they are scolding him) and started crying a lot. The other kid did not care a bit, even though he knew he was being scolded. The next moment, he was into some other activities and moving on. I have noticed that generally they are less concerned when their son is hurt etc when compared to how we would react for the same incident. (There was one incident in the past when their child fell down and was bleeding from his nose. his mom just gave him some tissue and asked HIM to wipe it off. whereas if it was me, I would have been panicking and behaving soo different) I told the whole incident to my father, he says we are raising DS too soft and weak and that is not good for him. Children should be tough and strong. (He obviously did not bring his daugther that way if it is indeed true) He reminds me of the proverb - That which bloomed in the fire will not fade in the heat of daylight. Thank you for your thoughts. |
#2
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tired_mom wrote:
My question is - If I am too soft to my child, will he became a weak person when he grows up. I think I am a very soft/sensitive person. DH is also kind of same way. DS is 2 years old. He is happy fun loving kid but very sensitive. He feels sad and starts to cry even if we change the tone in our voice. In the daycare too, he is very touchy and needs personal attention when there is a change (like a new place or new teacher) . He just needs more attention and prefers holding/hugging more often. He is also afraid of elder kids, he does not play with is favorite toy if a big kid is around. This weekend, we went over to friends house who have son same age as my son. That kid something bad, so the mother was scolding him. My son heard that (and maybe thought they are scolding him) and started crying a lot. The other kid did not care a bit, even though he knew he was being scolded. The next moment, he was into some other activities and moving on. I have noticed that generally they are less concerned when their son is hurt etc when compared to how we would react for the same incident. (There was one incident in the past when their child fell down and was bleeding from his nose. his mom just gave him some tissue and asked HIM to wipe it off. whereas if it was me, I would have been panicking and behaving soo different) I told the whole incident to my father, he says we are raising DS too soft and weak and that is not good for him. Children should be tough and strong. (He obviously did not bring his daugther that way if it is indeed true) He reminds me of the proverb - That which bloomed in the fire will not fade in the heat of daylight. Thank you for your thoughts. I don't think it's a black and white issue. I don't think you can screw up your kids by being too loving and sensitive. I think a lot of this has to do with inborn temperament. At the same time, I think that to some degree parents *do* teach their children how to react. If the parents wig out at little things, it's a pretty sure bet that the kid will too. By and large, I think the key is to follow the child's lead. If the child *wants* reassurance and comfort, give it. If the child doesn't start shrieking until after he's looked to you to figure out if everything's okay, that's a clue it's *your* reaction that's causing the problem, not the original hurt. You don't want to "toughen up" your child *or* baby him. You want to meet his needs, which he'll generally express to you one way or another if you're paying attention. (That's not to say it's always easy to interpret, of course, but there's usually something to go on.) Best wishes, Ericka |
#3
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On 28 Feb 2005 16:23:27 -0800, "tired_mom"
scribbled: I told the whole incident to my father, he says we are raising DS too soft and weak and that is not good for him. Children should be tough and strong. (He obviously did not bring his daugther that way if it is indeed true) He reminds me of the proverb - That which bloomed in the fire will not fade in the heat of daylight. Thank you for your thoughts. Pfft. Your father has outdated ideas. I believe kids are more hard-wired with their emotions. IOW, they're born sensitive. Sure, you can "toughen them up", but at what cost? I'd much rather have a sensitive child than a "tough" one. Fwiw, I find an adult that is sensitive and not afraid to be emotional "stronger" than one who hides behind a tough facade. Nan |
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tired_mom wrote:
My question is - If I am too soft to my child, will he became a weak person when he grows up. "You don't make someone strong by stamping on them, you just make dents in their soul". Probably from a Diana Wynne Jones book, but I can't remember for certain. [snip] In the daycare too, he is very touchy and needs personal attention when there is a change (like a new place or new teacher) . He just needs more attention and prefers holding/hugging more often. He is also afraid of elder kids, he does not play with is favorite toy if a big kid is around. Some children are like this. Its not a problem in the child, you just have to be sensitive to them, and in their own time they will get more daring. It might take some years, but that's the way some kids are. This weekend, we went over to friends house who have son same age as my son. That kid something bad, so the mother was scolding him. My son heard that (and maybe thought they are scolding him) and started crying a lot. The other kid did not care a bit, even though he knew he was being scolded. Not a very effective method for the other child. The next moment, he was into some other activities and moving on. I have noticed that generally they are less concerned when their son is hurt etc when compared to how we would react for the same incident. (There was one incident in the past when their child fell down and was bleeding from his nose. his mom just gave him some tissue and asked HIM to wipe it off. whereas if it was me, I would have been panicking and behaving soo different) I don't think their method is bad: certainly if my child was bleeding lots I'd be panicing, but trying not to show it to the kid. If it was a moderate bleed, or the child had lots of nosebleeds, just handing a tissue seems a perfectly sensible way of dealing with it. Especially if this isn't your first child. I told the whole incident to my father, he says we are raising DS too soft and weak and that is not good for him. Children should be tough and strong. (He obviously did not bring his daugther that way if it is indeed true) He reminds me of the proverb - That which bloomed in the fire will not fade in the heat of daylight. Thank you for your thoughts. It's a balancing act. Some children need more molly-coddling then others, and will gradually learn to be tougher. Other children of the same age would find it too restrictive, and try and push their parents away. Some children don't need it, but are quite happy to accept it. You just have to work out where your child is on the scale and respond accordingly. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#5
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tired_mom wrote: My question is - If I am too soft to my child, will he became a weak person when he grows up. I think I am a very soft/sensitive person. DH is also kind of same way. DS is 2 years old. He is happy fun loving kid but very sensitive. He feels sad and starts to cry even if we change the tone in our voice. Sounds to me as though your son is just sensitive like you and your dh - seems perfectly natural to me, and not something to try and change. Although we certainly mold and influence our children's characters, I think the basic elements of personality and coping methods are there from birth. For instance, ds tends to be fairly social but is not nearly as outgoing as some other kids his age, tends not to be an aggressor, and would rather hang back watching until he gets the lay of the land and then follow a leader (often an older boy or girl) than dive into a social situation and be a leader. I don't think we've taught him this - it's a typical personality trait among many in our extended family (although not in me . . .) I was a "cries when mom changes her tone" kid, but extremely extroverted and assertive generally (bossing other toddlers - and my parents - around). I grew out of it and didn't turn out soft! Mom and dad knew how I responded to these things, and discipline was a gentle, easy affair in our house. Until my unflappable brother turned up and would laugh at my parents or outright ignore them, regardless of how they tried to discipline him. They ended up having to to be very different in their approach with him. He has grown up to be a very rational, gentle adult. In the daycare too, he is very touchy and needs personal attention when there is a change (like a new place or new teacher) . He just needs more attention and prefers holding/hugging more often. He is also afraid of elder kids, he does not play with is favorite toy if a big kid is around. This too is very natural with some kids. Frankly, I would far rather have a boy who needed hugs and touching frequently, than a pint-sized steamroller . . . This weekend, we went over to friends house who have son same age as my son. That kid something bad, so the mother was scolding him. My son heard that (and maybe thought they are scolding him) and started crying a lot. The other kid did not care a bit, even though he knew he was being scolded. I'll echo others here and say that doesn't sound like the parent's technique is very effective in this instance, then. The next moment, he was into some other activities and moving on. I have noticed that generally they are less concerned when their son is hurt etc when compared to how we would react for the same incident. (There was one incident in the past when their child fell down and was bleeding from his nose. his mom just gave him some tissue and asked HIM to wipe it off. whereas if it was me, I would have been panicking and behaving soo different) I'm an "oh, you're fine" parent - if my son isn't screaming hysterically, that is. If he catches a good thump (running into a wall or something) and is crying hard, he gets snuggles and comforting instantly. OTOH, he's a generally tough kid who seems to have a high pain threshold - I've found scabs or weeping scrapes on him and had no idea where they came from, since he didn't react when the injury happened. Once he came to me, perfectly calm, and showed me his hand bleeding (he'd caught it on a piece of wire under my aunt's fridge, that was holding part of the fridge together). I had to control my own natural aversion to blood and continue to act like it was no big deal, since it obviously wasn't to him. Ds often doesn't *want* comforting, even if he's crying and hurting. He'll fall off a play structure, burst into tears, and shove me away when I try to comfort him - racing back to get back on that play structure, even through his tears. I told the whole incident to my father, he says we are raising DS too soft and weak and that is not good for him. Children should be tough and strong. I have seen parents who coddle and coddle a child, and they end up spoiled and whiny. But that's not being sensitive to the child's emotional needs - that's replying to every slightest hurt feeling (or pride) with an avalanche of "here, what can we do to make everything all right? What do you want? Oh, you poor thing!!" and usually it's clear that the child has realized s/he can play the parents and is doing so. Children grow tough and strong when they feel secure and supported, IMO. It gives them self-confidence. Overprotection can sometimes erode that confidence, because the message the child gets is "we don't think you're capable of taking care of yourself," but that does NOT sound like what you're doing. Melania Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003) and #2 (edd May 21, 2005) |
#6
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"Melania" wrote in message
Mom and dad knew how I responded to these things, and discipline was a gentle, easy affair in our house. Until my unflappable brother turned up and would laugh at my parents or outright ignore them, regardless of how they tried to discipline him. They ended up having to to be very different in their approach with him. He has grown up to be a very rational, gentle adult. What kinds of disipline measures did your parents do with your brother. This sounds like my third child and we are struggling. -- Sue (mom to three girls) |
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Sue wrote: "Melania" wrote in message Mom and dad knew how I responded to these things, and discipline was a gentle, easy affair in our house. Until my unflappable brother turned up and would laugh at my parents or outright ignore them, regardless of how they tried to discipline him. They ended up having to to be very different in their approach with him. He has grown up to be a very rational, gentle adult. What kinds of disipline measures did your parents do with your brother. This sounds like my third child and we are struggling. -- Sue (mom to three girls) Hi Sue! Okay, just got off the phone with my mom. I asked if I was remembering things correctly and she said yes. Basically, she said that generally my brother was not an ill-behaved child, so outright discipline was not usually a big issue - but when it was it really was. DB was incredibly stubborn, and had some PPD issues (they thought for a while that he was autistic). He had/has an incredible ability to tune people out, and there was nothing he cared about enough (toys, tv, treats, favorite activities, you name it) that it would matter if it was taken away. Mom says he could outlast her on the stubborn front, often going for weeks if necessary, so locking wills didn't work. He had a high pain threshold and no sense of humiliation at being spanked - the first and only time she spanked him he thought it was a game, laughed, turned, and socked her in the face - so spanking didn't work with him (we got the very rare spanking when we were too young to reason with and no other methods were working - not an approach I have any problems with, although since other methods worked, we almost never got spanked). What *did* work? Sitting him down, getting his attention, and explaining to him why his behaviour was inappropriate, and talking with him about why he was in trouble. Asking him what he would do if he was the dad and his child behaved this way. Asking him how he could change his behaviour. Giving him choices and options WRT solving the issue at hand. If communication wasn't working, which certainly happened, separating him (in his room) and letting him either rage about it for a while or simply play for a while, and then bringing him out and asking him why he had been sent to his room, and then starting the conversation from there. She did this with all of us. Her favorite tactic, and one which was very effective from a surprisingly early age, was to explain how she felt, the situation she was put in, and ask the child what they would do in that situation themselves. It made us consider the effects of our actions. Mom says that in a conflict situation, she would take a child as young as 3 or 4 and tell them, "I am speaking to you like an adult right now" (she always showed respect when speaking to us) and put the onus (sp?) on the child to step up and take responsibility. This also worked really well with us. Of course, she also added that anything she says should be taken with a huge grain of salt, since she doesn't know you or your kids and therefore can't assess the situation. Mind you, that's her attitude WRT anyone's parenting, even people she knows well. She's a real "won't pass judgement till I've walked a mile in their shoes" kind of person. Melania Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003) and #2 (edd May 21, 2005) |
#8
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"Melania" wrote in message
Hi Sue! Okay, just got off the phone with my mom. I asked if I was remembering things correctly and she said yes. Basically, she said that generally my brother was not an ill-behaved child, so outright discipline was not usually a big issue - but when it was it really was. DB was incredibly stubborn, and had some PPD issues (they thought for a while that he was autistic). He had/has an incredible ability to tune people out, and there was nothing he cared about enough (toys, tv, treats, favorite activities, you name it) that it would matter if it was taken away. Mom says he could outlast her on the stubborn front, often going for weeks if necessary, so locking wills didn't work. He had a high pain threshold and no sense of humiliation at being spanked - the first and only time she spanked him he thought it was a game, laughed, turned, and socked her in the face - so spanking didn't work with him (we got the very rare spanking when we were too young to reason with and no other methods were working - not an approach I have any problems with, although since other methods worked, we almost never got spanked). What *did* work? Sitting him down, getting his attention, and explaining to him why his behaviour was inappropriate, and talking with him about why he was in trouble. Asking him what he would do if he was the dad and his child behaved this way. Asking him how he could change his behaviour. Giving him choices and options WRT solving the issue at hand. If communication wasn't working, which certainly happened, separating him (in his room) and letting him either rage about it for a while or simply play for a while, and then bringing him out and asking him why he had been sent to his room, and then starting the conversation from there. She did this with all of us. Her favorite tactic, and one which was very effective from a surprisingly early age, was to explain how she felt, the situation she was put in, and ask the child what they would do in that situation themselves. It made us consider the effects of our actions. Mom says that in a conflict situation, she would take a child as young as 3 or 4 and tell them, "I am speaking to you like an adult right now" (she always showed respect when speaking to us) and put the onus (sp?) on the child to step up and take responsibility. This also worked really well with us. Of course, she also added that anything she says should be taken with a huge grain of salt, since she doesn't know you or your kids and therefore can't assess the situation. Mind you, that's her attitude WRT anyone's parenting, even people she knows well. She's a real "won't pass judgement till I've walked a mile in their shoes" kind of person. Thank you so much Melania. This information is great. Your brother sounds exactly like my third child. Even with the issues related to the autistic behavior. She was tested last year for this, but it did come out negative. I will save this post to see if any of your mom's methods have any positive change in her. Again thank you very much. I am pretty much at my wit's end with her. -- Sue (mom to three girls) |
#9
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Sue wrote: "Melania" wrote in message Hi Sue! Okay, just got off the phone with my mom. I asked if I was remembering things correctly and she said yes. Basically, she said that generally my brother was not an ill-behaved child, so outright discipline was not usually a big issue - but when it was it really was. DB was incredibly stubborn, and had some PPD issues (they thought for a while that he was autistic). He had/has an incredible ability to tune people out, and there was nothing he cared about enough (toys, tv, treats, favorite activities, you name it) that it would matter if it was taken away. Mom says he could outlast her on the stubborn front, often going for weeks if necessary, so locking wills didn't work. He had a high pain threshold and no sense of humiliation at being spanked - the first and only time she spanked him he thought it was a game, laughed, turned, and socked her in the face - so spanking didn't work with him (we got the very rare spanking when we were too young to reason with and no other methods were working - not an approach I have any problems with, although since other methods worked, we almost never got spanked). What *did* work? Sitting him down, getting his attention, and explaining to him why his behaviour was inappropriate, and talking with him about why he was in trouble. Asking him what he would do if he was the dad and his child behaved this way. Asking him how he could change his behaviour. Giving him choices and options WRT solving the issue at hand. If communication wasn't working, which certainly happened, separating him (in his room) and letting him either rage about it for a while or simply play for a while, and then bringing him out and asking him why he had been sent to his room, and then starting the conversation from there. She did this with all of us. Her favorite tactic, and one which was very effective from a surprisingly early age, was to explain how she felt, the situation she was put in, and ask the child what they would do in that situation themselves. It made us consider the effects of our actions. Mom says that in a conflict situation, she would take a child as young as 3 or 4 and tell them, "I am speaking to you like an adult right now" (she always showed respect when speaking to us) and put the onus (sp?) on the child to step up and take responsibility. This also worked really well with us. Of course, she also added that anything she says should be taken with a huge grain of salt, since she doesn't know you or your kids and therefore can't assess the situation. Mind you, that's her attitude WRT anyone's parenting, even people she knows well. She's a real "won't pass judgement till I've walked a mile in their shoes" kind of person. Thank you so much Melania. This information is great. Your brother sounds exactly like my third child. Even with the issues related to the autistic behavior. She was tested last year for this, but it did come out negative. I will save this post to see if any of your mom's methods have any positive change in her. Again thank you very much. I am pretty much at my wit's end with her. -- Sue (mom to three girls) How old is your youngest, Sue? I just wanted to add that things were worst with my brother between ages 3 or 4 and 10 or 11 (okay, that's a long stretch!!), but that he got quite a lot better after puberty (more extroverted, more social, better at handling problems/conflict). I think it helped that he and I often moved in the same circles of friends, and I always considered him more like a twin brother than a younger one (even though he's 2 years younger, intellectually he was quite precocious). A couple other things that worked well for him, not as discipline but just for socialization and channelling his abilities: he loved music from an early age and started Suzuki violin at age 3 (I think), at his request (my grandfather was a violinist and he wanted to play, too). Went on to do performance violin in university and a Master's of Musicology. He also has a highly logical, analytical mind, and my mom and dad did a lot of projects at home with him - and eventually got him into a science club (which I joined too, for moral support . . . ) I'm glad my mom's story seems applicable - I think he was a challenging kid, but in so many ways a really wonderful one, too. Good luck! Melania Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003) and #2 (edd May 21, 2005) |
#10
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"Melania" wrote in message
How old is your youngest, Sue? I just wanted to add that things were worst with my brother between ages 3 or 4 and 10 or 11 (okay, that's a long stretch!!), but that he got quite a lot better after puberty (more extroverted, more social, better at handling problems/conflict). I think it helped that he and I often moved in the same circles of friends, and I always considered him more like a twin brother than a younger one (even though he's 2 years younger, intellectually he was quite precocious). A couple other things that worked well for him, not as discipline but just for socialization and channelling his abilities: he loved music from an early age and started Suzuki violin at age 3 (I think), at his request (my grandfather was a violinist and he wanted to play, too). Went on to do performance violin in university and a Master's of Musicology. He also has a highly logical, analytical mind, and my mom and dad did a lot of projects at home with him - and eventually got him into a science club (which I joined too, for moral support . . . ) I'm glad my mom's story seems applicable - I think he was a challenging kid, but in so many ways a really wonderful one, too. Good luck! Wow, I just cannot get over the similarities. Kara is 8 yrs old. She loves the piano and music also. I have promised piano lessons (her choice) when we move. I suspect that Kara is gifted in many ways, but is not being challenged enough and once again, when we move, I plan to persue some more activities for her to help her along with the social aspect of her problems. I wish I could call your mom and talk with her. She probably could give me lots of help. ) The other problem with face with her is that her sisters don't find her behavior amusing and can be really mean to her. Her middle sister is only 19 months older than she is, but they just can't seem to get along very well, at least not right now. Hopefully that will change. -- Sue (mom to three girls) |
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