Daughter has no "reciprocity" from friends

I am writing in hopes that I can get some advice. My DD is ten and is
sociable and likes having her friends around. She has a few friends,
not a lot, but this does not seem to bother her. I always encourage her
to invite her friends over, which she does. The thing is that they do
not invite her back. I feel that she is quite lonely (she is an only
child) but I don't know what to do about it. I have encouraged her to
invite other kids from school over, in hope that she will make friends
with them, but she does not want to...at least the ones I have
suggested.

So for example, this week she is off school. I had her call some
friends to make play dates for this week. Her best friend can't come
(don't know why) and the other kids she called never called her back.
This is extremely painful for me, but that is another story.

I have enrolled her in many different classes over the years, but that
does not seem to be an avenue for her to make new friends.

Of course I am worried that this will continue and she will be a lonely
adolescent etc. I hope I am wrong.

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.
Thanks

wrote:

I am writing in hopes that I can get some advice. My DD is ten and is
sociable and likes having her friends around. She has a few friends,
not a lot, but this does not seem to bother her. I always encourage her
[snip]
This is extremely painful for me, but that is another story.

I have enrolled her in many different classes over the years, but that
does not seem to be an avenue for her to make new friends.

Of course I am worried that this will continue and she will be a lonely
adolescent etc. I hope I am wrong.

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.

Reading your post, it sounds like she does have friends, but you don't
think she has enough: and when you say it is "painful for me", it also
sounds like you had problems with friends when you were younger (although
what teenager never has friend problems?).

some people are happy with a few close friends: other people like a big
crowd of people round them. If you are like the latter, and your daughter
is like the former, then she will be happy with a much smaller group
then you would.

I don't think there is a problem having a small group of friends, unless
it is made out to be a problem. If someone equates having few close
buddies with being unpopular, and then treats the child as having an
unpopularity problem, then that is what will cause a problem.

So basically, if your daughter has *some* friends, and has the social skills
to approach other people eg in her classes, then that is fine. Even being
shy is not of itself a problem;l many people grow out of shyness.

HTH

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Penny Gaines wrote:
wrote:


I am writing in hopes that I can get some advice. My DD is ten and is
sociable and likes having her friends around. She has a few friends,
not a lot, but this does not seem to bother her. I always encourage her

[snip]

This is extremely painful for me, but that is another story.

I have enrolled her in many different classes over the years, but that
does not seem to be an avenue for her to make new friends.

Of course I am worried that this will continue and she will be a lonely
adolescent etc. I hope I am wrong.

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.


Reading your post, it sounds like she does have friends, but you don't
think she has enough: and when you say it is "painful for me", it also
sounds like you had problems with friends when you were younger (although
what teenager never has friend problems?).

some people are happy with a few close friends: other people like a big
crowd of people round them. If you are like the latter, and your daughter
is like the former, then she will be happy with a much smaller group
then you would.

I don't think there is a problem having a small group of friends, unless
it is made out to be a problem. If someone equates having few close
buddies with being unpopular, and then treats the child as having an
unpopularity problem, then that is what will cause a problem.

So basically, if your daughter has *some* friends, and has the social skills
to approach other people eg in her classes, then that is fine. Even being
shy is not of itself a problem;l many people grow out of shyness.

HTH



I agree. Is the OP's daughter unhappy or not? It did read
like the daughter was happy -- or at least, that she wasn't
bothered by things -- but the Mom was not.

With my own DD, I notice that some parents of her acquaintances
are extremely involved in their daughters' social lives, to
a point where I think it's unhealthy. At some point you have
to step back, breathe deeply, and ignore things that aren't
life-threatening or toxic -- or likely to become so.

Scott DD 11 and DS 9

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I see the same situation with my
son age 7. He seems to have friends at school, although he tends to
associate with older kids. When we invite kids over, they usually
agree and seem to have a great time but they (or their parents) very
rarely reciprocate. I tend to attribute this to the fact that I work
and don't pick up my son right after school ends and then don't see the
other mom's as they pick up their kids. I think that is when many play
dates are arranged.

I still try to invite kids over when I can after school or during
weekends, but I share your frustration with this issue.

Good luck!

On Mon, 21 Feb 2005 15:03:22 EST, wrote:

I am writing in hopes that I can get some advice. My DD is ten and is
sociable and likes having her friends around. She has a few friends,
not a lot, but this does not seem to bother her. I always encourage her
to invite her friends over, which she does.

I have enrolled her in many different classes over the years, but that
does not seem to be an avenue for her to make new friends.

Do you mean that she doesn't meet kids who turn into the kind of
friends who visit your house, or that they don't enjoy each other's
company during the class? Enjoying each other's company during the
class is valuable in itself. Trying out different activities where
she meets different kids than those at school can also be valuable for
someone who is stuck in a social rut at school.

Are there neighbourhood kids she can play with without making
arrangements ahead of time? Does she get much chance to spend time
with younger children?

You don't say much about your daughter being unhappy with the current
situation, more about you being unhappy with it. Maybe there's not a
problem. You might ask her teachers how she's doing socially at
school.

Louise