baby sitting a toddler (question for a friend)

My friend baby-sits a two year old boy. This kid cried straight from
day one. So his dad sat at the my friend's house for the whole of
first week along with the boy to make sure he doesn't feel he's just
leaving him there. Then gradually he used to leave him for an hour at
a time and worked up from there. This kid cried everytime his dad left
and cried and cried until he came back. My friend did all she could.
Carried him around, played with him etc. She also has a two year old
boy of her own. He wouldn't play with him either. He wouldn't talk to
anyone, wouldn't let anyone touch him, pet him etc. This went on for
couple of months. The kid's dad took him to a regular day care
thinking if he sees a whole bunch of kids playing he'll be ok. He
tried that for a month but things just got worse. So he brought him
back to my friend. Slowly he stopped crying after a month or so. Now
if anyone visits my friend's house while he's there, he'll start
bawling again. He wails and cries and just hearing it is
heart-wrenching. Now my friend's son doesn't want to play with him
when he cries because it's just hard on him too to see him cry so
loud. There's just no way of talking or petting this boy. It's taking
a toll on my friend too. She's as lovable as she can be. She doesn't
want to outright tell his parents that she can't watch him anymore.
Afterall, they've tried another regular daycare and it was worse.

Can anyone think of what else my friend should do?

(I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home
but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you
can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents
should do.)

Thanks.

ted wrote in message
om...
My friend baby-sits a two year old boy. This kid cried straight from
day one. So his dad sat at the my friend's house for the whole of
first week along with the boy to make sure he doesn't feel he's just
leaving him there. Then gradually he used to leave him for an hour at
a time and worked up from there. This kid cried everytime his dad left
and cried and cried until he came back. My friend did all she could.
Carried him around, played with him etc. She also has a two year old
boy of her own. He wouldn't play with him either. He wouldn't talk to
anyone, wouldn't let anyone touch him, pet him etc. This went on for
couple of months. The kid's dad took him to a regular day care
thinking if he sees a whole bunch of kids playing he'll be ok. He
tried that for a month but things just got worse. So he brought him
back to my friend. Slowly he stopped crying after a month or so. Now
if anyone visits my friend's house while he's there, he'll start
bawling again. He wails and cries and just hearing it is
heart-wrenching. Now my friend's son doesn't want to play with him
when he cries because it's just hard on him too to see him cry so
loud. There's just no way of talking or petting this boy. It's taking
a toll on my friend too. She's as lovable as she can be. She doesn't
want to outright tell his parents that she can't watch him anymore.
Afterall, they've tried another regular daycare and it was worse.

Can anyone think of what else my friend should do?

Has she tried taking him out to do things?
Debbie

(I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home
but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you
can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents
should do.)

Thanks.

On 16 Apr 2004 12:09:51 -0700, (ted) wrote:

Can anyone think of what else my friend should do?

This seems very unusual. He obviously has a severe separation
anxiety or stranger anxiety problem.

She can try reading some books that talk about these things.
A good one for separation at this age is The Kissing Hand by
Audrey Penn.

Does he have a *lovey* that helps him self-calm? If not, perhaps
you can introduce one - have his parents get a special stuffed
animal or blanket that he can have and carry around when he is
afraid or anxious. Have his mom and dad bring a picture of
them he can carry around and look at when he needs to.

Does he like music? Perhaps playing a soothing CD of toddler
music will help him feel better.

Does he like to draw or paint or play with playdough? Bring these
out when the new people come over or have a special set of toys
he really likes that *only* come out when new people are visiting.

Are the people who come to visit expected or unexpected? If
they are unexpected, I would ask friends not to come unless they
phone first. It might be best to have these other people come over
only when he is not around. Try taking him out to the park to
introduce new people. It might help if the surroundings are ones
where he expects to see others. Make sure that new people don't
try to approach him, but allow him to approach them.

Does your friend have any special routines and rituals she uses
for diaper changing and/or mealtimes? Routines are very comforting
to children.

(I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home
but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you
can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents
should do.)

Thanks.

Good luck.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Well, if she really feels she has to in order to protect
herself and her son she may need to stop babysitting the
child, but I hope she'll keep on babysitting because
if she doesn't, they'll probably have to start all over
again with another babysitter. At the moment the child
has gotten used to her and no longer cries most of the
time. To switch to another babysitter at this point would
traumatize the child IMO.

IMO the crying is normal. Within the range of normal
behaviour I would expect at that age. OK, lots of kids
leave their parents and are reasonably happy or at
least seem happy on the surface. But crying when parents
leave is also very common. This baby just feels a little
more strongly about it than average. OK, maybe a lot
more strongly. Still, I consider it normal.

Here's a suggestion: find out as precisely as possible
what time to expect the father to return. Then follow
some distinctive routine, so that the baby can gradually
get used to expecting that the father will return
at a certain point. When the father's return will
be later, the routine can either be slowed down, or
started when he's already been away for a while.

She could have a very distinctive place or activity that
they only engage in in the last 5 or 10 minutes before
father returns. This activity could be going out into
the front yard and playing there, or playing with a special
set of toys near the front door, or eating a special
kind of snack in a different room from other meals/snacks,
etc. She could make sure they never do anything too
similar except when Daddy is about to come. If this
works, then after a while the baby will come to expect
that Daddy will be home soon when they do that activity
(consciously and/or unconsciously) and will feel more
secure and happy during that activity. Then soon the
baby will learn to look forward to it and look forward
to the activity that comes just before that, because it's
a sign that soon the last activity will happen, etc.
She could divide the whole time into activities of about
10 minutes, always in the same order. Following a very
particular routine: bath, snack in a particular room,
reading a story on a particular sofa, going into the backyard
for a while, etc. Short things like marching around in
a circle singing a particular song can also be included --
perhaps as ritual transitions between the other activities.
Again, always in the same order. (Maybe always the same
song, maybe a different song each time. I'd probably
use the same song but read a different story.) If the baby
is crying or sad, she can hold him while she marches around;
if he's happy he can stomp around too. I would suggest
following the same routines whether he's crying or not.

When beginning the last activity she might say cheerfully
that soon Daddy will be here! But not make too much of
a fuss about it and not be surprised if that makes the
baby cry! (Also, she can try to get him to phone if he's
going to be late, or even phone each time to confirm he'll
be on time, because the whole system won't provide so
much security if he's late one time.)

Here's my experience with a 4-year-old I babysat once.
She was very sad and clingy as her mother was leaving.
After an extended goodbye her mother left. She refused
to play, talk or anything for a while. I asked her
sister whether the girl had a special teddy bear. I got
her sister to fetch it. At first that didn't help:
the girl refused to hold her teddy bear. But then I
got her engaged by play-acting with the teddy bear.
I stood the teddy bear on the ground and made it move
and talk. I made the teddy bear say "I'm lonely.
I need somebody to look after me." The girl then
grabbed the teddy bear and hugged it. Soon she
was participating in games and playing and talking
normally.

Perhaps as the last activity before the father returns,
she might want to use a large doll and a small doll
(or a doll and a person) and play-act a parent leaving
and returning, with all the emotions involved.
She can show the parent feeling sad and trying to
hurry (driving a car fast, or whatever) to get back
to where the baby doll is. And show the baby doll being
sad. And the two of them hugging and being happy when
they get together again. The whole act can be rather
quick -- about a minute or less, and can be done again
and again if the babies seem interested. This might
evolve into a game: hiding the baby doll or the parent
doll and having the babies find the doll. This might
make the baby feel better, as (in a symbolic sense)
he would be able to actively do something to improve
the situation. The hiding place should be extremely
easy, to avoid anxiety -- perhaps just letting the babies
see where she puts it. I can't guarantee this game
wouldn't make the baby cry even more, but I think it
would help: even if the baby cries, I would think it
was a positive thing, like crying for a sad movie, and
would help him work out his feelings.

Good types of activities include playing with stuff
like sand, water at the sink, "slime" if it can be
safe at that age, or playdough, and stuff like that.
Things with interesting textures. These tend to
be soothing as well as interesting to young children.
It may be best to have time-limits for the activities
and move on to other activities even if the babies
complain, because then they'll look forward to
doing it again the next day, and also it will give
the baby something to express feelings about besides just
worrying about Daddy coming back. That would be a healthy
step forwards I think.

I hope things work out well for them.
--
Cathy

How about asking the parents if they can help create a photo album of
them. And when the little boy is missing his family, he can look
through it?

How about making an audio tape everyday with the little guy where both
of them get to tell him things about their day?

toto wrote in message . ..
On 16 Apr 2004 12:09:51 -0700, (ted) wrote:

Can anyone think of what else my friend should do?

This seems very unusual. He obviously has a severe separation
anxiety or stranger anxiety problem.

She can try reading some books that talk about these things.
A good one for separation at this age is The Kissing Hand by
Audrey Penn.

Does he have a *lovey* that helps him self-calm? If not, perhaps
you can introduce one - have his parents get a special stuffed
animal or blanket that he can have and carry around when he is
afraid or anxious. Have his mom and dad bring a picture of
them he can carry around and look at when he needs to.

Does he like music? Perhaps playing a soothing CD of toddler
music will help him feel better.

Does he like to draw or paint or play with playdough? Bring these
out when the new people come over or have a special set of toys
he really likes that *only* come out when new people are visiting.

Are the people who come to visit expected or unexpected? If
they are unexpected, I would ask friends not to come unless they
phone first. It might be best to have these other people come over
only when he is not around. Try taking him out to the park to
introduce new people. It might help if the surroundings are ones
where he expects to see others. Make sure that new people don't
try to approach him, but allow him to approach them.

Does your friend have any special routines and rituals she uses
for diaper changing and/or mealtimes? Routines are very comforting
to children.

(I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home
but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you
can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents
should do.)

Thanks.

Good luck.