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I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake
and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. Hugs to all! Tiffany |
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"Tiffany" wrote in message ... I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. Good to see that both you and her are reacting normally. :-) Hugs to all! Tiffany |
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"Paul Fritz" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. Good to see that both you and her are reacting normally. :-) Normal? lol That is the first time anyone accused me of acting normal! Thanks. T |
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'Kate wrote in message ... On Mon, 3 May 2004 21:14:25 -0400, "Tiffany" snip Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up for you tomorrow. And if Sage is under 16, you're eligible for survivor's benefits as well, until she IS 16. |
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'Kate wrote in message ... On Mon, 3 May 2004 21:14:25 -0400, "Tiffany" I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. Yeah... that kind of thing really depends on who is performing the ceremony. My mother's catholic funeral was lovely but 20 some-odd years ago when my father had his at the same church, it was awful. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. I'm glad you had the chance to open a door with her. I can only imagine that it was an uncomfortable situation all around for you. Yeah, it was weird at first but she was also glad that I seemed to be the only one wondering how they could put him in a suit and why they were doing all the ceremonial stuff, ect. He was a Deadhead before I met him 14 years ago...... she wished her input could have been more valid. I agreed that they were doing things the 'right way' but it was wrong for him. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. You did good. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. We tend to grieve differently depending on the type of relationship that we had... how we were treated by the person. It gets complicated when there were bad situations involved. It is a social taboo to speak ill of the dead... it feels wrong. All the things that happened to you and Sage because of her father did happen and you have the right to recognise them as bad things. Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up for you tomorrow. That has been brought to my attention and I will look into it. It will get complicated, for sure. I know he hasn't paid much into it so we will see. Both his parents are going to make sure I get a copy of the certificate. He also got approved for disablity (SSD, I suppose) right before he died and they were to go back a year and he had even said before he died that Sage was entitled to benefits too so I am going to try to get her portion, for the back year. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. There's no right way to feel. The relationship that you had with her father was not the best. Much of that was because of his behaviors. You may never feel the loss... or you may feel a more practical side of things. Or, as in my case, I grieved the loss of the potential of a better future together, the possibility of him handling his bipolar disorder, and his willingness to be a father to the children again. That saddened me the most. That would be hard. I can only imagine but now I have a inkling of what it was like. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. LOL.. it's not really arguing. Just a different approach. I tend to think of this from the viewpoint of being a widow and the shock of single parenting... forever. It was a tough hurdle. It's passed though. Now I deal with the occasional tinge of regret and the children's ongoing need to keep their father in their lives if only in memory. 'Kate |
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"Tiffany" wrote in message ... Yeah, it was weird at first but she was also glad that I seemed to be the only one wondering how they could put him in a suit and why they were doing all the ceremonial stuff, ect. He was a Deadhead before I met him 14 years ago...... she wished her input could have been more valid. I agreed that they were doing things the 'right way' but it was wrong for him. Funereals, the ceremonies, the whole funereal parlor business is for the living, not the deceased. That may explain a lot to her. :-) Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. You did good. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. We tend to grieve differently depending on the type of relationship that we had... how we were treated by the person. It gets complicated when there were bad situations involved. It is a social taboo to speak ill of the dead... it feels wrong. All the things that happened to you and Sage because of her father did happen and you have the right to recognise them as bad things. Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up for you tomorrow. That has been brought to my attention and I will look into it. It will get complicated, for sure. I know he hasn't paid much into it so we will see. Both his parents are going to make sure I get a copy of the certificate. He also got approved for disablity (SSD, I suppose) right before he died and they were to go back a year and he had even said before he died that Sage was entitled to benefits too so I am going to try to get her portion, for the back year. As long as he was paying in, she will be eligible for the base amount,....not sure if it runs to 18 or 21.......but it will essentially be the CS you were not getting. If you can live without it, funnel it into saving for college/future......then it will be a sort of gift from him to her down the road, when the grieving is done and the bad memories of the past are fading. Also with the DC, when you start making the big bucks, and travel out of the country, you will need it for her to travel with you to many countries. :-) |
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"Tiffany" wrote in message ... I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. Hugs to all! Tiffany I'm so sorry you've both had to go through this Tiff. I have so many thoughts and feelings on this issue that I can't even put them into words really. I look at the situation with my children and it's quite different from yours, but I'm struck with the thought that it's a bitter end, but at least there is no more wondering, waiting, and wishing. I wonder at times if my boys are hurt that they don't know their father, and they'll grow up with what ifs. This might sound cold, and will probably come out wrong, but at least with death, there is no more guessing. It's so unfortunate though, that he wasn't a 'good' father because this doesn't apply to those fathers that were/are there for their children, but to the ones that should have been something while they were alive. Christine |
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'Kate wrote in message ... On Mon, 3 May 2004 21:14:25 -0400, "Tiffany" I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. Yeah... that kind of thing really depends on who is performing the ceremony. My mother's catholic funeral was lovely but 20 some-odd years ago when my father had his at the same church, it was awful. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. I'm glad you had the chance to open a door with her. I can only imagine that it was an uncomfortable situation all around for you. Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. You did good. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. We tend to grieve differently depending on the type of relationship that we had... how we were treated by the person. It gets complicated when there were bad situations involved. It is a social taboo to speak ill of the dead... it feels wrong. All the things that happened to you and Sage because of her father did happen and you have the right to recognise them as bad things. Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up for you tomorrow. This morning though, it got the best of me and I cried with S and his mother. I adore his mother, I think of her as my second mom and she thinks of me as a daughter. Her grief saddened me, S's grief saddened me.... I don't think I was crying for her father though. I guess my feelings might change, probably not though. I will vent where appropriate and keep the positive attitude with my daughter. There's no right way to feel. The relationship that you had with her father was not the best. Much of that was because of his behaviors. You may never feel the loss... or you may feel a more practical side of things. Or, as in my case, I grieved the loss of the potential of a better future together, the possibility of him handling his bipolar disorder, and his willingness to be a father to the children again. That saddened me the most. Thanks again everyone. I will continue to re-read posts that will help later in dealing with S as she grieves. Don't sweat the arguing..... those who know me know if I had the energy, I would be arguing too. LOL.. it's not really arguing. Just a different approach. I tend to think of this from the viewpoint of being a widow and the shock of single parenting... forever. It was a tough hurdle. It's passed though. Now I deal with the occasional tinge of regret and the children's ongoing need to keep their father in their lives if only in memory. 'Kate Kate, weren't you separated or divorced when Phil died? I can't remember. Lisa |
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"Paul Fritz" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... Yeah, it was weird at first but she was also glad that I seemed to be the only one wondering how they could put him in a suit and why they were doing all the ceremonial stuff, ect. He was a Deadhead before I met him 14 years ago...... she wished her input could have been more valid. I agreed that they were doing things the 'right way' but it was wrong for him. Funereals, the ceremonies, the whole funereal parlor business is for the living, not the deceased. That may explain a lot to her. :-) Sage was great though. I think she handled herself very well. I had to back off at times, many times actually, and let them be there for her. I felt sort of like I didn't belong at times but just chocked it down and sat and waited for her to need me. I never sat doing nothing for so long in my life. You did good. I think S has gotten a positive view on her father and why he wasn't around much from his girlfriend. I don't agree with most of what she told S, I still believe if he wanted to be a Daddy he would have. Excuses are crap and he has tons of them. In my head I was screaming..... HE WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.... HE WAS NOOOO FATHER but what good would it do, except for me to vent. While at the wake, as I was sitting, I was thinking..... Why am I not crying like everyone else? I must be heartless. I can't get over the wrongs. I want to punch him in the head and ask him how the hell he can do this to S and now I really do have to be a single mom. After all the crap, he is going to cut out in death. F------ loser. We tend to grieve differently depending on the type of relationship that we had... how we were treated by the person. It gets complicated when there were bad situations involved. It is a social taboo to speak ill of the dead... it feels wrong. All the things that happened to you and Sage because of her father did happen and you have the right to recognise them as bad things. Don't forget to get copies of his death certificate. You'll need it for social security survivor's benefits for Sage. Call their 800 number for info or go to the website. I'll try to remember to look that info up for you tomorrow. That has been brought to my attention and I will look into it. It will get complicated, for sure. I know he hasn't paid much into it so we will see. Both his parents are going to make sure I get a copy of the certificate. He also got approved for disablity (SSD, I suppose) right before he died and they were to go back a year and he had even said before he died that Sage was entitled to benefits too so I am going to try to get her portion, for the back year. As long as he was paying in, she will be eligible for the base amount,....not sure if it runs to 18 or 21.......but it will essentially be the CS you were not getting. If you can live without it, funnel it into saving for college/future......then it will be a sort of gift from him to her down the road, when the grieving is done and the bad memories of the past are fading. Also with the DC, when you start making the big bucks, and travel out of the country, you will need it for her to travel with you to many countries. :-) CS? As in child support? Funny one Paul. He hasn't been much for helping financially. He hasn't sent a dime in 2 years. I have an appointment to talk to someone at the SS office so I will find out more. I am not holding my breath for help though as I can guarantee he hasn't paid **** in. Travel to other countries..... god that sounds great. I think more along the lines of moving to another country though. More bad news today..... my Grandfather had a stroke. Doesn't look like a real bad one though. I will find out more tomorrow. T |
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'Kate wrote in message ... On Tue, 4 May 2004 07:16:54 -0400, "Tiffany" 'Kate wrote in message ... On Mon, 3 May 2004 21:14:25 -0400, "Tiffany" I never thought I would be so happy to be home. We made it through the wake and funeral. As soon as we walked into the funeral home, Sage was greeted with love and tears. She was able to grieve and cry and get hugs and cry. Then this morning, it was all over again. I will never understand all the ceremonial stuff that Catholics do. No offense intended. It was to much though. Yeah... that kind of thing really depends on who is performing the ceremony. My mother's catholic funeral was lovely but 20 some-odd years ago when my father had his at the same church, it was awful. I was so appreciative of all the love that is given to S and me. Her especially. I couldn't tell the family enough how much thanks they deserve for loving her and excepting her. She was able to speak with D, who is her father's girlfriend and current carrier of the soon to be half-brother/sister. Me and her also had the chance to talk about her continue contact with S that I said is great and some other personal things. I'm glad you had the chance to open a door with her. I can only imagine that it was an uncomfortable situation all around for you. lol... yeah a little. She thinks so highly of him, I think she was blinded by love. Yeah, it was weird at first but she was also glad that I seemed to be the only one wondering how they could put him in a suit and why they were doing all the ceremonial stuff, ect. He was a Deadhead before I met him 14 years ago...... she wished her input could have been more valid. I agreed that they were doing things the 'right way' but it was wrong for him. I understand that completely. I sent Phil's favorite jeans (501 shrink to fit button fly) and the t-shirt that he cherished that was from the kids the father's day before. I'm sure there were some who thought he, perhaps, didn't own a suit but his job was a suit job. It just wasn't who he was to us or to himself. snip stuff There's no right way to feel. The relationship that you had with her father was not the best. Much of that was because of his behaviors. You may never feel the loss... or you may feel a more practical side of things. Or, as in my case, I grieved the loss of the potential of a better future together, the possibility of him handling his bipolar disorder, and his willingness to be a father to the children again. That saddened me the most. That sounds like a hard situation. One wonders why things happen but I often see that 'why'. Look at what you are doing with your life, which could have resulted from the things you went through. You will continue on, helping others. I do know he was in chronic pain, his mother said the doctor said he was probably going to lose his leg and be in a wheelchair. Now granted his disability comes about due to a attempt to fly out a 3 story window while high as a kite. She told me she thinks this is best, his dying in his sleep. She also took a look at his meds and one of them has a RARE side effect of sudden death. They did an autopsy and wrote it off as natural causes. No illegal drugs in his system but he has his own legal drugs to take. I am going to wait some then eventually get a look at his medical information. Seems odd that someone goes to the doctor only to die the next day. I babble and babble. I need sleep. Tiffany |
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