Tandem Weaning

Hi everyone! I have lurked here (and mkp/mk) for about 4 years. I have
posted occassionally but am mostly a reader. Family situation summary:
married to DH the physicist, SAHM, 35 yrs old, 2 toddlers, co-sleepers,
no pets, currently living in Australia. I need some weaning advice from
anyone who has tandem nursed. I have a DS who will be 3 in April and a
16 month old DD. They both nurse multiple times a day and I'm keen to
cut back on it so I can get some time to myself, get AF back and try for
baby number three before the year is out.

Currently the situation is: DS has been night weaned since just before
DD was born, but he still nurses at LEAST 6 times a day. He is HEAVILY
addicted to the breast and becomes quite distraught when turned down for
a nurse (e.g., if he's just nursed and is refused a second hit 30
minutes later). I do often turn him down. In my heart, I know that he
is NOT ready to wean ... but if he had his way, he'd be nursing every 45
minutes around the clock. This child will never lead the weaning
process.

DD (the younger) really likes to nurse, but is happy to have apple juice
or whatever instead, unless she is sleepy, grumpy, or sees her brother
on the breast. I started night weaning her last night (yowzers!). This
took 3 days with DS before he realized we were serious and stopped
crying for night nursing. I'm hoping it will only take about the same
amount of time with DD. She currently nurses nearly as often as DS, but
if he's not around (e.g. weekend at Grandmas'), then she maybe initiates
4 times a day (plus who knows how many times at night).

Idea number one is to gradually wean DD (who is more open to distraction
and substitution) and then just tell DS it is time to stop. I know this
will "work" but it seems kind of cruel to cut DD off so young, and I
know sudden weaning will be hard on DS, but it is my only current
workable plan ... hopefully someone here has a better idea? I don't
really want to wean DD, but I REALLY do want to wean DS and I can't see
any way to successfully wean HIM while I keep nursing HER.

Anyone been through this who can give me some advice?

Thanks,
Suzie Egg.

I don't
really want to wean DD, but I REALLY do want to wean DS and I can't see
any way to successfully wean HIM while I keep nursing HER.

Put him in preschool? :-)

Okay, there are obviously a lot of other factors that go into that decision,
but it's a serious suggestion. Honestly, it seems to me that a lot of frequent
toddler nursing is due simply to proximity to Mom. I don't know any WOHMs
who've had these kinds of issues, probably because it's a lot easier for kids
not to nurse when Mom just isn't around. (Well, I do know of WOHMs who've had
difficulty night weaning, but none whose toddlers seem to be troubled by the
lack of breastmilk during the day.)

One of the things you should probably try, because it sounds like it's not what
you've done, is to institute more of a regular schedule. (Which, for some
reason, also seems to be something that more WOHMs than SAHMs do.) Tell DS
(and probably DD, too) that from now on you will be nursing first thing in the
morning, after lunch, after nap, and at bedtime. (Or whatever specific times
you think will work best for your family -- I suggest building it around the 4
times a day you say your DD usually nurses.) When he asks to nurse and it's
not one of those times, instead of saying "no" you can then say, "yes, as soon
as it's bedtime". :-) (This trick works for all kinds of things you want to
limit without prompting such frequent meltdowns.) Once DS is accustomed to
that routine, you can work on reducing the number of sessions by dropping them
one by one.

You could also institute a "nursing only at home" rule (which many moms do
simply because they're not comfortable nursing a toddler in public), and then
go out a lot. :-)

And you could try getting DS his own bed. Have DH put DS to bed while you
nurse DD in another room. You can welcome DS into your bed if and when he
wakes during the night, but if you can separate the two kids' bedtime routines,
you will probably have an easier time weaning DS before DD.

HTH
Holly
Mom to Camden, 3yo
EDD #2 6/8/04

"eggs"
Hi everyone! I have lurked here (and mkp/mk) for about 4 years. I have
posted occassionally but am mostly a reader. Family situation summary:
married to DH the physicist, SAHM, 35 yrs old, 2 toddlers, co-sleepers,
no pets, currently living in Australia. I need some weaning advice from
anyone who has tandem nursed. I have a DS who will be 3 in April and a
16 month old DD. They both nurse multiple times a day and I'm keen to
cut back on it so I can get some time to myself, get AF back and try for
baby number three before the year is out.

Anyone been through this who can give me some advice?

I haven't been though this but one thing came to mind.

Your DS is turning 3 in april. Explain to him that once he turns 3 and has a
birthday party he can no longer nurse. This thinking worked well with my DD
whom had a dummy. The morning of her birthday she no longer had a dummy. ( I
threw it out) She asked many times and I refused and keept telling her how
she is a big girl and etc. I know these are 2 differnt things but its a
idea.

I think 3 yo's understand at that age so you could tell him big boys dont
have nursing anymore and baby sisters do as she is yet to turn 3.

Or maybe a lie might work, by telling him that your milk supply is low and
therefore your un-able to coninual to feed him and his sister.

dont know if any of this would work
but good luck, Let us know how it goes

Nic



Thanks,
Suzie Egg.

At nearly 3 your DS should be able to understand negotiations, agreements
etc. It would be a shame to wean DD to wean DS, I would think he should be
able to understand that nursing is for younger children (except at
bedtime, or whatever you decide).

I tandem nursed my boys for seventeen months; they are 26 months apart in age.

When my older son hit three and a half, something inside me clicked and I was
just ready to be done. At the time, he was obsessed with drums. So I took him
to a music store and showed him a halfsize drumset which he of course fell in
love with, then I told him that it was a "big boy toy" and when he was ready to
be a big boy, it would be his.

From time to time I would mention it, but that was as far as I went towards
pressuring weaning.

A few weeks later, he got up from a nursing session, announced, "I'm a big boy
now!" and never looked back. We got the drumset about a week later, when we
were sure that he meant it.

My second son's weaning didn't go as smoothly but I wouldn't call it traumatic.
He was also three and a half, and not only was I ready to be done, we were
hoping to conceive #3 and I was worried about fertility due to my age. He is
our sports enthusiast so his "big boy toy" (aka bribe) was a basketball hoop.
He had decided to be done, we had acquired the hoop, but he kept asking to
return to the breast. Finally I suggested to him that I put some into a cup
and he could have his "nummy milk" that way. He agreed, I expressed some, and
on his first taste he spit it out and announced that it was really yucky. That
was the end of that for him.

Hope this is helpful.

Mary Ellen
William (9)
Matthew (6)
Margaret (2)

"HollyLewis" wrote in message
...
I don't
really want to wean DD, but I REALLY do want to wean DS and I can't
see
any way to successfully wean HIM while I keep nursing HER.

Put him in preschool? :-)


Honestly, I have thought of this too. He's fine without nursing when he
sleeps over at his grandparents, so it probably would work. I looked
into preschools in my area and the subsidized government ones have a
minimum two year waiting list (DS will be school aged before his name
comes to the top of the list) and the private daycares that offer
preschool hours are about $50 a day - you have to pay "full day" rates,
even if you don't use the full day. This is too much money for us to
spend on weaning when I don't have a job!

snip

When he asks to nurse and it's
not one of those times, instead of saying "no" you can then say, "yes,
as soon
as it's bedtime". :-) (This trick works for all kinds of things you
want to
limit without prompting such frequent meltdowns.) Once DS is
accustomed to
that routine, you can work on reducing the number of sessions by
dropping them
one by one.

I started this one today. "Are you ready for your nap? No? Then you
need to wait until it's nap time for your nursey." He seemed to buy it,
although he wasn't very happy about it. I guess his desire to thwart me
by not napping is stronger than his desire to nurse!


You could also institute a "nursing only at home" rule (which many
moms do
simply because they're not comfortable nursing a toddler in public),
and then
go out a lot. :-)

We already do this. He knows that he has to be a "big boy" when we are
out and not nurse (he still asks, but accepts the "no" when we are in
public). He is allowed to nurse at our house and at Grandma's house.


And you could try getting DS his own bed. Have DH put DS to bed while
you
nurse DD in another room. You can welcome DS into your bed if and whe
n he
wakes during the night, but if you can separate the two kids' bedtime
routines,
you will probably have an easier time weaning DS before DD.

DS has his own bed in his own room. We don't kick him out of ours if he
climbs in, but he would sleep in his own bed 9 nights out of 10.

HTH

Thank you! I hope it helps too.

Holly
Mom to Camden, 3yo
EDD #2 6/8/04

"Nic" nospam@nospam wrote in message
...
snip

Your DS is turning 3 in april. Explain to him that once he turns 3 and
has a
birthday party he can no longer nurse. This thinking worked well with
my DD
whom had a dummy. The morning of her birthday she no longer had a
dummy. ( I
threw it out) She asked many times and I refused and keept telling
her how
she is a big girl and etc. I know these are 2 differnt things but
its a
idea.

I've tried something similar while trying to get him to cut back. I
explained to him that only babies needed to nurse at night and that once
it got dark he couldn't have any more until it was day again. We were
doing this for about the last 6 weeks and it just resulted in lots of
crying and acting out all evening. I gave up on it two nights ago and
things have been very peaceful here in the evenings the last two nights,
but it's just backsliding. I guess it's the failure of the incremental
approach that led me to come here for other ideas.

I think 3 yo's understand at that age so you could tell him big boys
dont
have nursing anymore and baby sisters do as she is yet to turn 3.

Or maybe a lie might work, by telling him that your milk supply is low
and
therefore your un-able to coninual to feed him and his sister.

dont know if any of this would work
but good luck, Let us know how it goes

Nic

Thanks for the ideas! I'm completely open to lying to him, but I don't
want to tell any lies that make him resent his sister.

Suzie Egg.

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
. cam.ac.uk...
At nearly 3 your DS should be able to understand negotiations,
agreements
etc. It would be a shame to wean DD to wean DS, I would think he
should be
able to understand that nursing is for younger children (except at
bedtime, or whatever you decide).

Yes. I started only having wake up and go to sleep nursing for both of
them yesterday. There has been a bit of protest from both of them, but
I can't nurse DD and look DS in the eye and tell him no. It feels too
cruel.

"DGoree" wrote in message
...
I tandem nursed my boys for seventeen months; they are 26 months apart
in age.

When my older son hit three and a half, something inside me clicked
and I was
just ready to be done.

This is exactly what has happened to me. I've been wanting/trying to
cut him back for a long time, but something has changed in ME and I
don't want to keep on like this. I guess this is why I'm so conflicted
about it all. It's the first time since conception that I've
consciously put MY needs ahead of HIS and it feels really weird to do
so.

At the time, he was obsessed with drums. So I took him
to a music store and showed him a halfsize drumset which he of course
fell in
love with, then I told him that it was a "big boy toy" and when he was
ready to
be a big boy, it would be his.

snip excellent bribery stories

DS has a serious train obssession. His favourite videos are
'trainspotting videos'. His current favourite is "The Best of British
Steam: Scotland". I have tried minor bribes, but had not considered
grand scale bribery. Maybe an electric trainset for his room where only
he, and not his still nursing sister, can use it? Kind of expensive,
but still cheaper than a semester of preschool at $50 a day! This
sounds like a good idea that could wrap in neatly with his third
birthday next month. I should discuss this with DH. Thanks!


Hope this is helpful.

Mary Ellen
William (9)
Matthew (6)
Margaret (2)