my 3 year old keeps hurting me

I don't know what to do - my three year old is always kicking,
punching and hitting me or trying to strangle me and my DH. I've told
him over and over again to stop, but he won't. I love my son, but I
don't like him right now. I've had to give myself time outs and I've
almost hit him back a couple of times (no flames, I didn't, but I
really wanted to). I don't know what's going on, he has a lot of
energy, but when he's not playing with his toys, he's playing very
rough with me and my DH, and we're getting pretty upset. He also
started saying "I want to cut your neck" which also disturbs us
immensely. He's emotionally very sweet, cuddly, and seems normal
otherwise etc.,but then he starts playing rough and it's really
bothering me. What is normal for 3 year old boys? What should we do?

"don_tspamme" wrote in message
...
I don't know what to do - my three year old is always kicking,
punching and hitting me or trying to strangle me and my DH. I've told
him over and over again to stop, but he won't.

You tell him and he won't, then what do you do about it? Do you just keep
telling him or does he get a time out or what?

DS went through a phase where he was hitting all the time. I finally told
myself I was going to spend an entire day focused on extinguishing that
behavior. Sometimes, we don't have time because we are in a rush and don't
have time to do the amount of time outs that are required, but I was going
to make my entire day available to time outs whenever it was needed. I told
him if he hit me, he would get a time out, and I meant every word of it.
Even if it was just a light tap (you know how they try to test just how hard
they can hit before the time out), it was an immediate time out in his room.
Sometimes, it was a time out every few minutes, but it sure worked well.
The next day, he was hitting much less.

On Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:39:25 -0700 (PDT), don_tspamme
wrote:

I don't know what to do - my three year old is always kicking,
punching and hitting me or trying to strangle me and my DH.

When did he start doing this?

I've told him over and over again to stop, but he won't. I love my son, but I
don't like him right now.

With this kind of thing, you don't tell him to stop, you physically
stop him from doing it. You may have to give up the rough housing for
now until he has a handle on how his body works.

Steps:

When he starts to hit, kick, etc. hold his hand gently, but firmly to
prevent the action (if he is also kicking learn the wrap hold so that
he cannot kick either)

Say *you must be very angry about....* and describe what his anger is
about if you can figure it out. If not, just a generic *that's
frustrating* or *you are really angry* can be used.

Say *we use gentle hands to touch people* Show him how to pet you
gently hand over hand. If he is kicking say *we kick balls outside*
and take him out to show him that if you can.

Do and say nothing else. Return to what you were doing.

Do this every single time he tries to hit or kick or hurt you.

I've had to give myself time outs and I've almost hit him back a
couple of times (no flames, I didn't, but I really wanted to). I
don't know what's going on, he has a lot of energy, but when
he's not playing with his toys, he's playing very rough with me
and my DH, and we're getting pretty upset. He also started
saying "I want to cut your neck" which also disturbs us
immensely. He's emotionally very sweet, cuddly, and seems normal
otherwise etc.,but then he starts playing rough and it's really
bothering me. What is normal for 3 year old boys? What should we do?

You made need to be sure he has other outlets for his energy.

And, you probably need to teach him how to manage his emotions.

Self-Calming Techniques

We have learned to teach our children to name feelings which is good,
but need to teach them how to cope with feelings.

Your first defense is heading off things before the situation starts
to deteriorate.

Prevention: give choices; say yes when you can (yes – you can have a
cookie after dinner); use skills you’ve learned (e.g., leaving
the house, give warning, transitional object).

We do want to help kids identify and name their feelings. But we
really want to teach our kids how to cope with their feelings. These
are life skills. The emotionally literate child is more likely to be
successful in school, at work and in interpersonal relationships.
Emotional intelligence helps safeguard children from drug and alcohol
addiction, eating disorders, aggressive behavior and depression.

When we pay more attention to certain emotions we see more of it
(e.g., your child falls down and looks to Mom to see if they should
cry).

The Self-Calming Plan

1. Acknowledge and name the feeling (just knowing someone is
empathetic helps)
2. Set limits (its okay to be angry but hitting the cat is not okay)
3. Offer self-calming choices (limit two for young children)


Six Categories

Audio/Verbal
listen to calming music, sing a song, talk to someone sympathetic
ear), listen to water, use your words

Visual
look at/read a book, look outside, go to your happy place, watch an
aquarium

Creative
draw a picture (mad picture), make something (craft or cook), write a
letter (journal), write/draw on paper and throw it away

Self-nurturing
get a hug, get a snack (hungry? – low blood sugar; careful, don't just
offer food as substitute), take a warm bath

Physical
(these ideas can be better than a time-out) run, shake (hands or all
over, like a wet puppy), relax muscles (melt like a snowman), breathe
(pretend to be a balloon and then blow bubbles), hug yourself, hug a
critter, playdough, float like a feather, massage

Humor
watch a funny video (funniest animals), make silly faces, read a funny
book, find humor in a situation

**Use different calming techniques for anger, versus anxiety, versus
sadness.

**For frustration with toys, ask what you can do different next time.

**With younger kids, experiment with what works. For older kids, don’t
forget to communicate – ask them what works.

Pick out a couple of self-calming techniques to suggest ahead of time
(for, or with your child depending on age). Observe your child. They
may have come up with something on their own. Consider the types of
stress. You may want to offer different self-calming choices for anger
or frustration than you would for being anxious.

What could we do different next time? Talk about it when both of you
are calm.


Kids go through three stages as they learn self-calming skills:

1. They learn the activity itself. If a child can’t do the activity
easily when calm, asking him/her what to do when upset will increase
anger or frustration rather than decrease it.

2. They notice that doing an activity changes how they feel.

3. They realize that they can use a specific activity to intentionally
change how they feel.

Teaching breathing (do this as a game first when your child is calm)

Ballooning

When you balloon, you breathe in (deeply) and as you breath in you
start with your arms at your sides and raise them up parallel to
your shoulders and up over your head. Then you blow it all out,
make it exaggerated like a balloon spewing out all the air. The
kids really like it and it really lowers tension.

Draining

When you drain, you put both hands out in front of you, you twist (and
twist, and twist and twist) your hands around like you were turning
off
water and you screw your face all up, then you blow the air out
through your lips (I know... there will be a little spit!) but the
kids really like that one and you can feel the stress and tension
leaving your own body! (automatic stress relief!)


http://www.beckybailey.com/

**************
RDI

Relaxing together -taking deep breaths together. Practice that with
her as a regulatory pattern . Take her away from that scene first.
Then hold her hands say "You are not calm. Let's become calm. Breathe
in........." "Breathe out...." Breathe in a very exagerrated manner.
She may not be able to really do the heavy breathing but will try.
This will take her mind off whatever was bothering her first. After
a few minutes, tell her "You are calm now! Wow! We both are calm and
that feels so much better" and return to what you were doing.

Books on emotions you can read with your child

The Temper Tantrum Book by Edna Mitchell Preston
When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang
Hands Are Not For Hitting by Martine Agassi Ph.D
Words Are Not for Hurting by Elizabeth Verdick
Today I Feel Silly: And Other Moods That Make My Day by Jamie Lee
Curtis
My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess
That Makes Me Mad! by Steven Kroll
I Was So Mad by Norma Simon
I'm Gonna Like Me : Letting Off a Little Self-Esteem by Jamie Lee
Curtis
It's Hard to Be Five : Learning How to Work My Control Panel by Jamie
Lee Curtis
How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger by Elizabeth Verdick
A Volcano in My Tummy : Helping Children to Handle Anger by Eliane
Whitehouse
Don't Pop Your Cork on Mondays!: The Children's Anti-Stress Book by
Adolph Moser
When You're Mad and You Know It by Elizabeth Crary
When You're Happy and You Know It by Elizabeth Crary
When You're Silly and You Know It by Elizabeth Crary
When You're Shy and You Know It by Elizabeth Crary
I Want It by Elizabeth Crary
I Want to Play by Elizabeth Crary
My Name is not Dummy by Elizabeth Crary
I'm Lost by Elizabeth Crary
I Can't Wait by Elizabeth Crary
Mommy, Don't Go by Elizabeth Crary
What's that Noise? by Michelle Edwards and Phyllis Root
The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark by Jill Tomlinson
Can't You Sleep, Little Bear by Martin Waddell and Barbara Firth

Good luck!






--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

I'd add one more thing-make sure he's not having aggression modeled for him
on TV or in videos. A lot of times kids will act out what they see, and
sometimes they bring up things they might have seen once, weeks ago.
Similarly, if he's with other children, make sure they're not playing
aggressively, especially if they're older kids. He doesn't need any
reinforcement that physically aggressive play is a good thing while you're
trying to extinguish the behavior.