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This is the 3rd time I've tried responding to this post; hope to see
it posted this time! "Rosalie B." wrote in message . .. If we weren't going to allow him to go, then there was no point in getting his opinion. Only if we felt we would allow him would we then consult him and let him decide whether or not to go. However, I did tell him after it was decided once and for all that he wasn't going that he had been invited. He was angry with us. sigh I don't blame him a bit. And actually his dad should have told him since it was his dad that didn't let him go. There's no point in your taking the heat. He should have to justify himself to his kid. True. The only reason I can think of NOT to do it that way is if you are afraid that this will be another in a long line of unreasonablenesses which will eventually drive the father and son apart. Nah. By the way, I don't see my DH's feeling about this as out-of-line unreasonable in a way that is potentially damaging to my son or their relationship. I think I would have been OK with allowing my son to go, if he had decided he wanted to (but I would have hated him being away and in others' care for so long). But I think this was a Big Thing and most definitely not an obvious "yes." As hard as it may be for some here to believe, I do know a few seemingly normal people who are "further out" than we (well, my DH) are about their kids being in others' care for overnights or longer. I think there's always a reason to get a 9-yo's opinion about something that may or may not impact their lives, even if it turns out that it doesn't. One big reason is that it means you trust and value his opinions. I think the message you just sent your son is that what he thinks and feels is irrelevant as far as planning his life. It won't work that way. His opinions and feelings are freely shared and taken quite seriously around here. However, we reserve the right to still make certain decisions for him. There are and will continue for years to be some issues about which he will not be able to decide for himself. To put his anger in context, that same day, he was also angry with me for not allowing him to go to the pool even though he had a very bad, deep cut that was not yet scabbed over. I sure felt badly for him, and told him so, but I simply could not allow him to make the decision in this case. I don't see his anger over the pool as being any different than his anger over the trip. Both were short-lived, by the way. A good question would be: at what age do his feelings/thoughts become relevant and important? His feelings about this and every other issue are relevant and important, but in some cases, such as this one, they are not the deciding factor or even one of the deciding factors in whether or not he is *allowed* to go. (Of course, if we had decided it was *OK* for him to go, then he could have decided if he *wanted* to go.) Scott DD 11 and DS 8 Actually, what struck me about this is that you didn't ask his opinion, or even offer to let him tell you his thoughts before you decided -- but told him AFTER you'd decided he couldn't go that he'd been invited and the answer was no! What was the point of telling him about it after you had decided he couldn't go? That just sounds mean -- unless I'm misunderstanding your post, and you know he DID know about the invitation. I told him because I'm assuming he will find out about the invitation the next time he sees the boy. I felt it would have been mean to tell him *before* we had decided whether it was even an option. I don't get that logic. Would you bring out candy to your kids and say, "So, I'm thinking of letting you have some candy. Uh, no, I've decided you can't. YANK." Now, THAT sounds mean to me. Better to decide first whether or not they can have the candy and then bring it out if they're allowed. They can then refuse if they want. In which case I'm surprised he wasn't lobbying, even without you asking his opinion on the matter; I know my kids would not have been shy about letting me know what they thought. Yes I completely agree. Although if the other mom did as I think I would prefer, she would have gone to the parents first, and possibly since school is out, the other kid might not have actually told the kid of the OP. This isn't a school friend. I'm sure my son will see this boy within a week. And the flaw I see in the post about the dream about running out of fuel is --- why didn't you take some precautions not to run out of fuel? Like not going as far, or taking extra. Just to clarify: I am the OP, but not the person who used a dream to make a decision. That's not my MO. |
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