If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#11
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
x-no-archive:yes "Cathy Kearns" wrote:
Miss Manners would point out that presents should never be expected, and telling guests that normally they are expected, but not this time by writing "no presents" on an invitation, no matter how well intentioned, is rude. I would also presume that making disparaging remarks about guests who could not contain their joy about their dear friends' occasion without bringing them a token would also be considered rude. However, it you really want to get out of getting presents, I've found throwing a "summer pool party" or having a few friends over for a sleep over, without mentioning the words "birthday", "graduation", "anniversary", or "wedding" often will do the trick. I have been thinking about this and my initial thought was that the party giver should suggest that the gifts be brought unwrapped and given to the local hospital. But that still gets into the expectation that there will be presents brought. Then I thought - well maybe the gifts could be labeled as to age or sex of the child they were for and there could be a gift exchange instead of the birthday child getting all of them. Kind of like a gift exchange that is done in some offices. I suspect there might be problems in the execution of this idea, as I haven't worked out the details. I agree with Banty that manners are not so common now (I think it is incredibly rude to bring wedding gifts TO a wedding as it results in all kinds of chaos no matter how well it is handled). So just as one must put reply cards in wedding invitations because otherwise (and even so) people will not tell you if they are coming or not, one must also specify about presents on an invitation. And that is absolutely against etiquette to do. So in the first instance, instead of 'no gifts', one would say something to the effect of 'Birthday child will not be receiving gifts. Any gifts will be donated to the oncology ward of Children's Hospital' or something of that sort. It certainly is rude, but if you are going to be rude you might as well be definite. Party-excursions and combo parties are also a good idea. My dd#2 gave a combo party for her dh's graduation from law school and her ds's bday. It was a pool party and BBQ, and the kids had pizza and cake, and I don't think a lot of them knew that it was a bday party, especially as it wasn't really on his birthday, but was on the nearest Saturday. "just me" wrote in message om... "D&K Condron" wrote in message ... I recently went to a child's birthday party that requested no presents, but a dish of something yummy to share instead. Well, out of 8 moms invited, I was the *only* one who did not bring a gift. Did I miss something? I admit that I am new at the mommy thing, but to be the only one who did as instructed? I am very confused. What do the rest of you think "no presents" means? What would you have done? It means no presents, but some people just can't believe that people mean that. We just attended a big big 50th wedding anniversary party. The honorees had specified "no presents". I overheard one complain to the other as someone left a gift on a table for them that now they knew which of their friends couldn't read. They really meant it. Any other event I've been to where the invitation had specified "no presents" also meant it. Maybe Miss Manners has a suggestion on how to gift someone even if they said that on an invitation, but I haven't read that particular column. -Aula --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.491 / Virus Database: 290 - Release Date: 6/18/03 grandma Rosalie |
#12
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
In article ,
David desJardins wrote: Banty writes: Officially, one does not have any obigation whatsoever to bring a present to a birthday party, and the party giver should have no expectation whatsoever that any present arrive with the guests. If any presents should arrive, therefore the party giver is surprised and honored and tickled that someone would go through such an effort, and to discourage that kind of good effort and intention in any way would be rude and work against what is good in people in general. I disagree with this whole analysis. If someone really doesn't want presents for their children (e.g., maybe they think that having presents at a party is too materialistic, or they don't want the child to have particular kinds of toys, or they just have that personal preference, for whatever reason), then it's not "good" of people to disregard the host's wishes. There seems to be an implicit assumption in some of the replies here that the only reason that someone might request no presents is to "free" the guests from the "obligation" to bring a present. [And I think this is the reason people, unfortunately, disregard such requests: they think only that they are not obligated to bring a present---but they choose to do so anyway---rather than being actively discouraged from doing so.] But I think that's not at all accurate. A host might request "No presents" because the host really doesn't want any presents, and such a host is unlikely to be "tickled" by having their desires ignored. It seems a bit weird to me if the only way to avoid getting unwanted presents is to not have a party at all. David desJardins I think you misunderstand some of the responses; we are stating what etiquette experts consider to be proper; whether you think traditional etiquette is reasonable or not is irrelevant to identifying what it IS. According to Miss Manners (also Emily Post and other such experts) an invitation is NOT a demand for a gift, one is NOT under an obligation to bring gifts, and putting "no presents" on an invitation implies that there normally IS an obligation and is therefore improper. As I see it, the bigger problem is that people now treat invitations and announcements as gift demands -- both those sending and those receiving them -- making it hard to throw a party just because you want to have a party for someone. I wish there was an easy solution. meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#13
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
On Fri, 4 Jul 2003 17:04:48 EDT, David desJardins
wrote: It seems a bit weird to me if the only way to avoid getting unwanted presents is to not have a party at all. That may very well be, but what is wrong with wanting to celebrate a child's birthday with their friends??? As an adult, I enjoy celebrating my birthday with friends. However, I don't need them buying me presents. I don't have the celebration to get presents. I have the celebration to celebrate the day of my birth with friends. -- ==Daye== E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au |
#14
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
|
#15
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
Oh, you can have a party, just not one billed as a "birthday party",
at least before the event. You can have balloons, and cake. But sending out invitations that say mention birthdays tends to bring out the gift giver in people. If you surprise them with the reason (think surprise engagement parties) then they get to celebrate the reason, but it's too late to get a present. "David desJardins" wrote in message ... Banty writes: Officially, one does not have any obigation whatsoever to bring a present to a birthday party, and the party giver should have no expectation whatsoever that any present arrive with the guests. If any presents should arrive, therefore the party giver is surprised and honored and tickled that someone would go through such an effort, and to discourage that kind of good effort and intention in any way would be rude and work against what is good in people in general. I disagree with this whole analysis. If someone really doesn't want presents for their children (e.g., maybe they think that having presents at a party is too materialistic, or they don't want the child to have particular kinds of toys, or they just have that personal preference, for whatever reason), then it's not "good" of people to disregard the host's wishes. There seems to be an implicit assumption in some of the replies here that the only reason that someone might request no presents is to "free" the guests from the "obligation" to bring a present. [And I think this is the reason people, unfortunately, disregard such requests: they think only that they are not obligated to bring a present---but they choose to do so anyway---rather than being actively discouraged from doing so.] But I think that's not at all accurate. A host might request "No presents" because the host really doesn't want any presents, and such a host is unlikely to be "tickled" by having their desires ignored. It seems a bit weird to me if the only way to avoid getting unwanted presents is to not have a party at all. David desJardins |
#16
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
|
#17
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
dragonlady writes:
According to Miss Manners (also Emily Post and other such experts) an invitation is NOT a demand for a gift, one is NOT under an obligation to bring gifts, and putting "no presents" on an invitation implies that there normally IS an obligation and is therefore improper. If that's what Miss Manners and Emily Post think, they are wrong. Putting "No Presents" just implies that you don't want any presents. It doesn't imply that there would have been an obligation to bring presents if that statement were omitted. That's the fundamental mistake. I do see this idea expressed here and elsewhere (that people say "No Presents" to relieve the guests of some obligation---e.g., I see a posting from "Nevermind" that says exactly this). But it's wrong to reach a conclusion about "No Presents" based on the assumption that that's the only reason people might say this. It's not. David desJardins |
#18
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
"D&K Condron" wrote in message ...
I recently went to a child's birthday party that requested no presents, but a dish of something yummy to share instead. Well, out of 8 moms invited, I was the *only* one who did not bring a gift. Did I miss something? I admit that I am new at the mommy thing, but to be the only one who did as instructed? I am very confused. What do the rest of you think "no presents" means? What would you have done? Within our circle of friends, no presents is very common, and most parents respect that. However, in liu of presents, *many* children ask for a donation to a particular charity. For one child I know, he requested that donations be sent to a campership fund for special needs kids in our local JCC camp, because as a special needs kid, he wanted other kids to have the great experience he's had. Another girl we know asked for book donations, which she then brought to an inner city school that was trying to build up their library. When you do something like this, parents feel that they're fulfilling the presents duty, and the family who has requested no presents gets something much more valuable in return. Marjorie |
#19
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
==Daye== wrote in :
Before I had my daughter, I decided to stop celebrating Xmas. (I celebrate now because of my daughter... she makes it enjoyable.) I asked for no presents. I told everyone that I would not be buying gifts, so don't buy me anything. My DH did buy gifts, but he was still celebrating. I STILL got presents. I didn't buy anyone anything, but I was heaped with presents. When I asked them about it, they said, "We thought you weren't serious." I responded, "I was serious." I had a similar problem one year: I was working very hard on decluttering, and so when my mother asked what I wanted, I told her a particular type of chocolates. She got me that *and* another present. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#20
|
|||
|
|||
Does "no presents" really mean that?
Rosalie B. wrote in :
[snip] I agree with Banty that manners are not so common now (I think it is incredibly rude to bring wedding gifts TO a wedding as it results in all kinds of chaos no matter how well it is handled). So just as one must put reply cards in wedding invitations because otherwise (and even so) people will not tell you if they are coming or not, one must also specify about presents on an invitation. And that is absolutely against etiquette to do. [snip] I don't think it is that there are *no* manners, just that they are *different* manners. So just like UK wedding invites don't have lots of different envelopes (the invitees names are on the invitation itself), most UK weddings have arrangements for receiving presents. Postage in the UK is sufficiently expensive that if you don't live near the bride and groom it would be too expensive to mail it. When you read older books, the manners then are quite different to now. At times manners have been very formal, with strict details on such things as when and how long to visit people (afternoons only, leave after 15 minutes), other times they are informal and apparently left to the individual to decide. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
AD/HD World Expert Presents Online Thurs May 27 | TerryM2442 | General | 0 | May 26th 04 05:33 AM |
They opened their Chanukkah presents today...sigh | dejablues | General | 128 | December 28th 03 06:25 PM |
America's Favorite Grandma Presents: Christmastime Do's and DON'Ts!! | Mother Henrietta Hickey | General | 6 | December 17th 03 08:08 AM |
Holiday presents for the neighbors kids? | P. Tierney | General | 10 | December 8th 03 08:09 PM |
First Christmas Presents | Marie | General | 12 | November 18th 03 07:44 PM |