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"Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)



 
 
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  #1  
Old June 2nd 04, 09:02 PM
wizardcat
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Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

DD has been around her dad, her brother, friends, and relatives since
the day she was born. I've held her no more or less than I did her
2-year-old brother (although I am breastfeeding her and he was bottle
fed). However, at 3 months, she still rarely allows anyone else to
hold her and she generally fights taking a bottle with all her might.
She enjoys watching the world from the Baby Bjorn and will smile
readily at others, but it has to be from the safety of my arms.

I'm sure some of you will point out that we're well-bonded, which, I
agree, is wonderful. But I can't stop real life from encroaching. I
don't care that I can't pass her around at parties. But I work two
days a week from home, and for the most part she gives the sitter (my
husband's aunt) a terrible time. I have to listen to the crying from
my home office, and it breaks my heart as well as makes me fear the
sitter will quit. Worst of all, she screams when her dad holds her for
more than a minute or two, which annoys him, which frustrates her
further, etc. etc.! He has already said that he can't continue to give
her practice bottles--it's too frustrating. And I don't blame him.
He's convinced she hates him (despite my assurances that it's not
personal), and I'm afraid a bond will never develop between them if
this keeps up. Also, frankly, I need a break every once in a while.
Not a long break--I'd take a half-hour if she would just hang with her
dad peacefully. I'd so love to take my son to the park for some
"special time" between just the two of us.

I adore DD beyond words. The love I feel from and for her is
indescribable.Objectively, I feel more bonded to her at this age than
I did with DS at 3 months, much as I wouldn't think that was possible.
No doubt this was helped by the breastfeeding. But this situation is
very draining on the whole family. In some ways, I feel that it's put
us into two camps: DH and DS, and DD and me. I was on modified bedrest
with both of my pregnancies and couldn't lift DS for the whole nine
months--I still regret the time we missed together when he was finally
put into daycare because of my restrictions. Now, I *still* can't give
him the attention I want to, unless I choose to put DD down and let
her scream.

Has anyone else encountered this? Does it get better with age? I
thought stranger anxiety came later, like around 5 to 7 months!

thanks,

wizardcat
DS 7/02
DD 3/04
  #2  
Old June 3rd 04, 02:13 PM
Kat
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Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

I experienced this in a milder form with my DD. The only person she was
ever OK with for more than a couple of hours was my best friend. Maggie
didn't even like her daddy very much for awhile and she definitely didn't
like other people for quite awhile. It seemed to get better when she
started walking or maybe even earlier (around 6months, she started walking
at 8 1/2 months). When I started to leave the house for work (only 10-15
hrs a week) around 6months and DH had to watch her, things got alot better
between the two of them. Do you think your DD would do better if you
actually left the house periodically? It always seemed like my DD would
sense if I was *anywhere* in the house at all. We never tried the bottle
with her, DH just brought her to me when it was time for her to eat. But I
would say your DD will start to get better around 6 months. Hope this
helped!
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04


"wizardcat" wrote in message
om...
DD has been around her dad, her brother, friends, and relatives since
the day she was born. I've held her no more or less than I did her
2-year-old brother (although I am breastfeeding her and he was bottle
fed). However, at 3 months, she still rarely allows anyone else to
hold her and she generally fights taking a bottle with all her might.
She enjoys watching the world from the Baby Bjorn and will smile
readily at others, but it has to be from the safety of my arms.

I'm sure some of you will point out that we're well-bonded, which, I
agree, is wonderful. But I can't stop real life from encroaching. I
don't care that I can't pass her around at parties. But I work two
days a week from home, and for the most part she gives the sitter (my
husband's aunt) a terrible time. I have to listen to the crying from
my home office, and it breaks my heart as well as makes me fear the
sitter will quit. Worst of all, she screams when her dad holds her for
more than a minute or two, which annoys him, which frustrates her
further, etc. etc.! He has already said that he can't continue to give
her practice bottles--it's too frustrating. And I don't blame him.
He's convinced she hates him (despite my assurances that it's not
personal), and I'm afraid a bond will never develop between them if
this keeps up. Also, frankly, I need a break every once in a while.
Not a long break--I'd take a half-hour if she would just hang with her
dad peacefully. I'd so love to take my son to the park for some
"special time" between just the two of us.

I adore DD beyond words. The love I feel from and for her is
indescribable.Objectively, I feel more bonded to her at this age than
I did with DS at 3 months, much as I wouldn't think that was possible.
No doubt this was helped by the breastfeeding. But this situation is
very draining on the whole family. In some ways, I feel that it's put
us into two camps: DH and DS, and DD and me. I was on modified bedrest
with both of my pregnancies and couldn't lift DS for the whole nine
months--I still regret the time we missed together when he was finally
put into daycare because of my restrictions. Now, I *still* can't give
him the attention I want to, unless I choose to put DD down and let
her scream.

Has anyone else encountered this? Does it get better with age? I
thought stranger anxiety came later, like around 5 to 7 months!

thanks,

wizardcat
DS 7/02
DD 3/04



  #3  
Old June 3rd 04, 02:44 PM
Nikki
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Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

wizardcat wrote:
DD has been around her dad, her brother, friends, and relatives since
the day she was born. I've held her no more or less than I did her
2-year-old brother (although I am breastfeeding her and he was bottle
fed). However, at 3 months, she still rarely allows anyone else to
hold her and she generally fights taking a bottle with all her might.


My first baby was like this. I know it can be overwhelming at times. That
baby is now 5 and I can assure you that there was nothing wrong with him, he
is a regular kid now, and he has a fabulous and very close relationship with
is dad. Remind your husband to not take it personally. I worked and Hunter
cried and cried the first month (4mos old), with both the sitter and with
his dad. He eventually settled down for the sitter, probably because he was
at her house (and we switched sitters). He remained fussy for his dad
(because he was at our house and I was often working from a home office) for
a long time. He did eventually get better during the day but would cry and
cry on the rare occasions I had an evening meeting. He never took a bottle.
He rarely napped for anyone else but me.

I don't think it is related to stranger anxiety. I think it is 'not with
mother anxiety' and some babies have it in abundance.

Hunter was my first so that made it slightly less stressful. If you need to
do something with your other child I'd just leave the baby with dad and go
do it. The baby won't melt, although dad might get exhausted. Taking a
bath or taking the baby for a walk worked for my dh. Can you take your work
to the library or something? It would be so much less stressful for you.
My dh even had less stress when I wasn't home, even if the baby was the
same.

Bonding for dh and the baby. I held Hunter, dh played with him. We went
for walks together as a family. I could get him to sleep and transfer him
to dh's chest. He would only sleep when held so that was nice cuddle time
for the two of them plus gave me a break. They took baths together.

My second was less like this but even with a more flexible baby we ended up
in 'camps' for awhile. Mostly because babies do often prefer their mothers
and we are the only ones that can feed them. I just wanted to assure you
that even though it feels odd or wrong, it didn't do any damage to anyone,
we are all a cohesive happy family group now :-)

I hope things get better soon. This topic comes up from time to time and
most people notice an improvement by around 6 months. I have to be honest,
it took a little longer for us but it did get better and it was not a sign
of any future issues.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (5) and Luke (3)


  #4  
Old June 3rd 04, 02:52 PM
Jill
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Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)


"Nikki" wrote
I don't think it is related to stranger anxiety. I think it is 'not with
mother anxiety' and some babies have it in abundance.


I agree. Rachel is just over 3 weeks old and already exhibits this. My mom
insists it is because we haven't taken her "out around people" and are
keeping her to ourselves and spoiling her etc. I do not believe this at all.
First of all a 3 week old baby has no business being hauled around just for
the hell of it and I do only take her to her doctor's appointments at this
point. Our neighbors love her (our neighbors on each side!) and so she is
held by a lot of people other than just me, so there is no way i think this
is a sign of things to come etc-- but she knows her mama, and she definitely
cries sometimes seemingly just because *I* am not right there with her.


  #5  
Old June 3rd 04, 05:31 PM
Angela Schepers
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Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

I'm happy Quinn doesn't discriminate. He seems equally happy or upset
with anyone just yet though I seem to be the only person who can calm
him down when he does get upset. Of course all of this may change, he's
only 3 weeks 6 days old but I too am sure that he knows his mama from
anyone else though I think that he enjoys extended time cuddling with
his daddy more than me (due to DH's comfy pad in front, lol).

Jill wrote:
"Nikki" wrote

I don't think it is related to stranger anxiety. I think it is 'not with
mother anxiety' and some babies have it in abundance.



I agree. Rachel is just over 3 weeks old and already exhibits this. My mom
insists it is because we haven't taken her "out around people" and are
keeping her to ourselves and spoiling her etc. I do not believe this at all.
First of all a 3 week old baby has no business being hauled around just for
the hell of it and I do only take her to her doctor's appointments at this
point. Our neighbors love her (our neighbors on each side!) and so she is
held by a lot of people other than just me, so there is no way i think this
is a sign of things to come etc-- but she knows her mama, and she definitely
cries sometimes seemingly just because *I* am not right there with her.



  #6  
Old June 4th 04, 06:07 PM
wizardcat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad to hear that this won't go on
forever. Last night was her first colic-free night (she fell asleep
for the night at 6:30!), and I think once we are over *that,* her dad
will be better able to handle the rest.

We're flying to my hometown for her baptism in two weeks (had to have
it out of town to accommodate the godparents and a relative who is too
ill to travel). I'm kind of dreading that, but I suppose I'll just
warn people she is wary of those she doesn't know...

wizardcat

Angela Schepers wrote in message news:dnIvc.37562$3x.36491@attbi_s54...
I'm happy Quinn doesn't discriminate. He seems equally happy or upset
with anyone just yet though I seem to be the only person who can calm
him down when he does get upset. Of course all of this may change, he's
only 3 weeks 6 days old but I too am sure that he knows his mama from
anyone else though I think that he enjoys extended time cuddling with
his daddy more than me (due to DH's comfy pad in front, lol).

Jill wrote:
"Nikki" wrote

I don't think it is related to stranger anxiety. I think it is 'not with
mother anxiety' and some babies have it in abundance.



I agree. Rachel is just over 3 weeks old and already exhibits this. My mom
insists it is because we haven't taken her "out around people" and are
keeping her to ourselves and spoiling her etc. I do not believe this at all.
First of all a 3 week old baby has no business being hauled around just for
the hell of it and I do only take her to her doctor's appointments at this
point. Our neighbors love her (our neighbors on each side!) and so she is
held by a lot of people other than just me, so there is no way i think this
is a sign of things to come etc-- but she knows her mama, and she definitely
cries sometimes seemingly just because *I* am not right there with her.


  #7  
Old June 4th 04, 06:08 PM
wizardcat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default "Extreme" attachment? (kind of long)

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad to hear that this won't go on
forever. Last night was her first colic-free night (she fell asleep
for the night at 6:30!), and I think once we are over *that,* her dad
will be better able to handle the rest.

We're flying to my hometown for her baptism in two weeks (had to have
it out of town to accommodate the godparents and a relative who is too
ill to travel). I'm kind of dreading that, but I suppose I'll just
warn people she is wary of those she doesn't know...

wizardcat

Angela Schepers wrote in message news:dnIvc.37562$3x.36491@attbi_s54...
I'm happy Quinn doesn't discriminate. He seems equally happy or upset
with anyone just yet though I seem to be the only person who can calm
him down when he does get upset. Of course all of this may change, he's
only 3 weeks 6 days old but I too am sure that he knows his mama from
anyone else though I think that he enjoys extended time cuddling with
his daddy more than me (due to DH's comfy pad in front, lol).

Jill wrote:
"Nikki" wrote

I don't think it is related to stranger anxiety. I think it is 'not with
mother anxiety' and some babies have it in abundance.



I agree. Rachel is just over 3 weeks old and already exhibits this. My mom
insists it is because we haven't taken her "out around people" and are
keeping her to ourselves and spoiling her etc. I do not believe this at all.
First of all a 3 week old baby has no business being hauled around just for
the hell of it and I do only take her to her doctor's appointments at this
point. Our neighbors love her (our neighbors on each side!) and so she is
held by a lot of people other than just me, so there is no way i think this
is a sign of things to come etc-- but she knows her mama, and she definitely
cries sometimes seemingly just because *I* am not right there with her.


 




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