Need advice on whether to have a new child [LONG]

[MODS: Please note, I have also posted this to
alt.support.step-parents, but can't tell from your FAQ whether this is
technically a cross-post. There's certainly no spamming intended!]


Hi folks,

This is my first post to the group. I am trying to work through a
difficult decision, and would really appreciate some input.

I am in my late thirties, married for a second time. I have a seven
year old son by my first marriage. My ex-wife and I get along well, and
I have regular access to my son. He comes to us every Wednesday
evening, and every other weekend. He has his own room in our house, and
considers it a second home.

My wife is as good a step-mum as I could wish for. She is very close to
my son, and he seems as settled as he can be with the situation. My
ex-wife has also remarried and they too have tried to provide as secure
and happy an environment as they can for our son. We try very much to
stress the positives - he has four loving parents, and eight doting
grand-parents! Apart from some financial hassles, life is really pretty
good.

The problem is this: my wife wants her own child. She is a few years
younger than me, but is really now starting to feel the 'biological
clock' ticking.

This is causing all sorts of issues for me. When we got together, we
both wanted children, but agreed to wait until my son was happy with
his new family arrangements (my ex-wife has recently re-married at the
time). As time has passed (we have been married nearly two years now),
I have grown more and more uncomfortable with the idea of us having a
child of our own, to the point where if I was forced to make a final
decision now, I would probably say no.

Needless to say, this is putting the future of our relationship very
much in the balance. My wife really doesn't feel there's a future for
our relationship if she doesn't at least have the chance to have a
child of her own. While I don't think I'll ever really understand the
need a woman feels to have a child, I do acknowledge it. I certainly
don't want her to live a life of resentment.

I have several reasons for holding back, and have listed the most
obvious ones below. I really don't know which are the most important in
my mind, and it's not an exhaustive list.

1) On balance, I think the risk of disruption to my son outweighs the
possible benefits. If my wife and I have a child, it will naturally
spend all its time with us. My son spends about a third of his time
with us, including holidays. I can't see how he will not feel, at least
to some degree, like an outsider. It will be clear to him that my
wife's feelings for him are not the same as those for our new child.
Taking the age difference into account, I suspect the relationship
between my son and a new child could only at best be nearer to an
uncle-nephew/niece, than a brother-brother/sister.

2) As much as I love my wife and hope we will always be together (and
am prepared to work at it!), I am painfully aware that relationships do
break down. My first marriage lasted almost ten years, and I suspect
neither of us ever imagined that we wouldn't be together 'till death us
do part'. That is, of course, until it all started unravelling.
Statistically, the chances for this second marriage are slimmer. Also,
my wife and I have always stressed that we should support each other's
growth and change in our relationship; in fact we wrote our vows
especially to emphasise that. If my first wife and I grew apart, then
it is possible that it will happen again, especially in a relationship
where growth is encouraged. Whenever I contemplate what happened to my
son as a result of my first marriage breaking up, and how it still
affects his day-to-day life, I really can't imagine putting another
child through that. I really can't imagine putting myself through it!

3) Frankly, I like things the way they are. If something happened to my
ex-wife, and I had to look after my son full time, then I'd do it in a
second. But I do actually enjoy having evenings when he's not around.
At the very least, it gives me the opportunity to have some
uninterrupted time with my wife. With a new baby on the scene, that
would become infinitely more difficult. Right now, when there are
hiccups in our relationship, it's because we're not spending enough
quality time together. If that happens when the majority of our time is
effectively child-less, how will it be when there are nappies to
change? Financially we are not in a position to afford child care, and
we're a long way from other members of our family.

I love my wife very much, and appreciate the sacrifices she's made for
the sake of our relationship. For example, the reason we live so far
from our immediate families is so that we could be nearer my son. I
really don't want to lose a beautiful relationship, but at the same
time I really can't see much to outweigh these concerns.

I would be extremely grateful to hear:

1) any thoughts on my reasons for holding back. I would prefer
to hear comments on whether or not they're rational as
opposed to judgements about how selfish I might be.

2) experiences from anyone who's been in the same situation
as us. I have found lots of advice for having a baby in
a step-family where all the children are living full-time
with the family in question, but nothing that addresses
the family with only partial access to the child.
Many thanks to any and all who respond.

Jules

It seems to me that you are being held back by hypotheticals.
It's true your son could feel like an outsider, that his
step-mother will like her bio-offspring more. So? I think
you can't live your life trying to protect your son from
all possible potential hurt. And yes, your marriage may break
up, but it seems like you've done a textbook job of moving
on from the first marriage.

The only real problem that I see is 3: that you have little
couple time now, and you see that as a problem. So you'd
have to deal with even less for -- what -- 4 years until
your son can babysit?

Anyway, I don't think 1 and 2 are rational, but rather
rationalizing to justify your choice. 3 is a real concern,
but if you know about it heading in, well, you should be
able to work through it. It's the topic I think you should
discuss the most with your wife before you have a kid.

scott DD 11 and DS 8.95

I'm not sure what you are looking for. It really doesn't matter what
your reasons are for wanting or not wanting a child, since in the final
analysis, having a child is always an emotional choice, rather than
rational one.

What matters more is the gap between what you want and what your wife
wants. It doesn't matter if you are "right" or have great reasons all
lined up. If she really wants a child...well, you can try out your
great argument on her, but don't be surprised if logic gets you
nowhere.

This is a pretty black and white issue - have one or not - there is no
50'50 position possible... and you DID do a 180 on her (i.e. you told
her you would have a child when the situation was settled, and you've
changed your mind). Eventually has become never.

So, what you gotta think through is how hard and fast your "never" is,
and factor in what a future with her AND a kid is worth to you. Kids or
no kids is a pretty fundamental life choice, and she took you on with a
different deal on the table than is currently on offer.
Mary G.
Mom of three

Jules --

Reading your story reminded me of the night before my second daughter
was born. I sat on the floor next to my firstborn's bed, looking at
her, and thought, "It will never be the same again between the two of
us." I was frightened about losing the very special relationship that
seemed to come from her being my only child. But there wasn't much
choice at that point, was there? And even though things were never the
_same_ again, they were very good in many ways. Number two is a great
joy, and I wouldn't wish to have lived my life without her.

So yes, your life will change if you have a child with your second
wife. And it will also change if you don't. And there's no guessing in
advance whether it will change for better or for worse. My own guess
is that you would come to adore a second child, and wonder how you
could ever have hesitated. Children do that to us -- at least most of
them. In other words, your doubts are understandable, but not really
so different than the doubts of anyone trying to decide whether to
bring a child into the world.

1) On balance, I think the risk of disruption to my son outweighs
the
possible benefits. If my wife and I have a child, it will naturally
spend all its time with us. My son spends about a third of his time
with us, including holidays. I can't see how he will not feel, at
least
to some degree, like an outsider.

I really don't think this is as much of a concern as you are making of
it. Your son will probably adjust just fine, and enjoy his
relationship with the little one. Will _you_ love him any less than
you do now? I think not.

2) As much as I love my wife and hope we will always be together
(and
am prepared to work at it!), I am painfully aware that relationships
do
break down.

Again, this is true for anyone who has a child at any time. We all
face these frightening possibilities.

3) Frankly, I like things the way they are. If something happened to
my
ex-wife, and I had to look after my son full time, then I'd do it in
a
second. But I do actually enjoy having evenings when he's not
around.
At the very least, it gives me the opportunity to have some
uninterrupted time with my wife.

Even babies sleep from time to time -- at least most of them do. While
I was nursing, which was sometimes a nusiance, I sometimes used to
tell myself, "Yeah, I'll be glad when this is over, but it will only
be a couple of years out of my life, and then I'll be free again." The
same thing is true about having a baby around. From your perspective,
sixteen years probably looks like long time, but by then (if not much
sooner) the new child would be going places and doing things without
you. Of course, the timing is a bit off -- you want shared time with
your wife _right now_, whereas she can't put off childbearing a lot
longer.

In short, I feel that your understandable concerns are not really
insurmountable barriers. You will simply have to weigh your own
nervousness about changing the status quo against your wife's desire
to change it. Perhaps you could try to imagine yourself into her
situation, loving a stepchild, but longing for one who was really your
own.

Your thoughtfulness about this is to be commended. Good luck.

Peggy

--
The Duke showed his lower teeth. "We all have our flaws," he said,
"and mine is being wicked." --James Thurber

jl2000 wrote:

Needless to say, this is putting the future of our relationship very
much in the balance. My wife really doesn't feel there's a future for
our relationship if she doesn't at least have the chance to have a
child of her own. While I don't think I'll ever really understand the
need a woman feels to have a child, I do acknowledge it. I certainly
don't want her to live a life of resentment.

I have several reasons for holding back, and have listed the most
obvious ones below. I really don't know which are the most important in
my mind, and it's not an exhaustive list.

1) On balance, I think the risk of disruption to my son outweighs the
possible benefits.
[snip]

You're already risking disruption to your son. What happens if your wife
decides that she wants a child more then a future with you? How will a
second divorce affect your son?

However, if she agrees to continue, she will still have a nagging awareness
that "that woman's son is what stops me from having *my* son." It might
not surface much, and maybe she won't ever be aware of it on a conscious
level, but it will be there, and will have an effect on the relationship
between your son and his step-mother.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Hi Mary,

Thanks for you comments. I can't really disagree with anything you say,
except that for me, making decisions purely on an emotional basis is
out.

I realise that I've changed my position since we got together, but
that's what people do, change.

I just need to hear that this has worked out for other people out
there, or anything else that will nudge me away from my 50/50 position.


Your comment about needing to consider what a future with my wife (and
a child) is worth really helped - thank you.

Jules

I'm a bit confused. Your reasons for not having a child with your new wife
were

1) It might upsets your son's life.
2) Your second marriage may not last.
3) You like things the way they are.

You say you had an agreement to have a child together eventually. If you
renege on this agreement your wife will either be bitterly disappointed
and/or leave. So, going back to your reasons:

1) If she leaves won't it also disrupt your son's life? If she stays and is
depressed, or maybe blames him for your lack of having the child she's
dreamt of , wouldn't that all upset your son's life?
2) This is a great point. If you have a child that second marriage might
not last. If she wants a child as much as you say it's very likely your
marriage may not last either. On the other hand, did nothing good come out
of the first marriage? If you had to live your life over again would you
not have your first marriage and your son?
3) Things aren't going to stay the way they are no matter which way you go.
Sorry about that, but that's the way it goes. So would you like things more
with a child and this wife, or without either?

Hi Scott,

It seems to me that you are being held back by hypotheticals.

What else is there?!

So? I think you can't live your life trying to protect your son
from all possible potential hurt.

I totally agree. But surely you tr to protect your children from
preventable hurt?

And yes, your marriage may break up, but it seems like
you've done a textbook job of moving on from the first marriage.

I hope you're not being flippant. I have worked and worked and worked
to heal the hurt I caused when my first marriage failed (long story).
I'd do it again if I *had* to, but I'd never choose to go through that
again, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else either.

The only real problem that I see is 3: that you have little
couple time now, and you see that as a problem. So you'd
have to deal with even less for -- what -- 4 years until
your son can babysit?

Great lateral thinking! You really put a smile on my face!

Anyway, I don't think 1 and 2 are rational, but rather
rationalizing to justify your choice.

I disagree, but that's being said on the other forum I posted to also,
so maybe I'm just lying to myself?

3 is a real concern, but if you know about it
heading in, well, you should be able to work
through it.

I guess. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.

[Being new to all this, can I ask what 'DS' and 'DD' mean?]

Jules

PS - also great to be hearing from a guy! I'm getting a lot of stick
from mums right now!

Thank you Peggy, that was a very thoughtful post.

Perhaps you could try to imagine yourself into
her situation, loving a stepchild, but longing for
one who was really your own.

I do try. But realistically, I don't think a man could ever *want* a
child the way some women *need* them!

Regards,

Jules

Hi Penny,

What happens if your wife decides that she wants
a child more then a future with you? How will a
second divorce affect your son?

Honestly? My wife asked me this, and here is the answer I gave her. My
son is seven. He is extremely fond of my wife, but I'm really not sure
if he loves her in any child-parent sense. Maybe, maybe not - who knows
the mind of a seven year old? But... when there's a choice of someone
to play with, he will choose me. If I'm not in the house when he comes
round, he asks "where's daddy?". If it's the other way round, well my
wife just isn't missed in the same way. I suppose his main thoughts
would be a) well this has happened before, and it was worse the first
time because that was mummy, and b) now I get daddy to myself. It might
sound callous, and I might be underestimating his feelings, but he's
just seven after all.

As to your other point:

maybe she won't ever be aware of it on a conscious
level, but it will be there

It already is. Her knowing that she is (currently) being denied the
chance to have a child affects her frequently. She describes the
feeling as a kind of grief. I hate to see her going through this, which
is why we feel, for better or worse, a final decision is going to have
to be made sooner rather than later.

Regards,

Jules