custody battle - need help

I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the
situation but can give more details if needed.

My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother. The
mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which
ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support
and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state,
where they used to live when the child was born.
She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she
returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months. She
works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is
gone. She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up
around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the
sitters. Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she
works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he
would not live there with her. She had been out of this for a year and
a half and had returned to school.

I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and
intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives
here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were
together. Her brother is also here.

I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've
paid $2,400.00. He seems to think I have a good chance of getting
custody but I wanted to hear some other opions. I have filed to
legitimate my daughter and for full legal and physical custody.

I love my daughter and want her with me. If her mother and I were
married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and
cannot trust at all and she admits this. I was always faithfull to her
and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they
come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her. She seems
to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough.
Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she
got bored with the `normal` life.

I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we
are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both
parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my
girlfriend refuses.

I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a
stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and
wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things.


I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her
mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe
emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil). In an effort
to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor
but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us.
The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on
paxil without therapy.

I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town
(parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she
has no roots here and is ready to leave.
I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a
college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year. She
wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is
going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old,
what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15?

I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I
know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working.
She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it
anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test?

She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty
sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home.

Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my
clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did
not take everything but she calls this abandonment. I was at the hotel
for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying
in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow
I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at
$70-80 a night.

Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her
rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to
have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years
olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be
broke. The next weekend she went back again.

I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and
paying her rent so I'm stopping it today.

I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my
daughter?
Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old? I don't
think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want
his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and
can really not do anything about it.

What should I do?
How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing
people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired.

I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the
future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer
at the hotel with no spell checker.

You cannot get custody of her 12 year old, you are not a parent to that
child. You have an attorney and you should go by the advice of that
person and do what your attorney advises. The one question you need to
think about answering is this one.....when you met your GF, she was a
stripper, correct? You chose to have a relationship with her despite
that fact....why is it you are complaining about it now? Think of a
good answer to that one because that will be the hardest one. Be very
careful in slinging stuff at her....remember, you CHOSE her, so if she
was horrible then you shouldn't have become involved with her.

That is not to say you will not get custody because I can't advise you
on that...only your attorney can. You just need to get ready for the
stuff that is going to come your way too. Good luck.

Denise

I would allege the drug use and try to get a court order to make her
test. Ask your lawyer to find out if your state law will allow you to
force her to take a drug test. Agree to take one yourself, this will
look better. You will not get custody of the 12 year-old. Grandparents
could try but would most likely not be successful. You need to
establish a home for your daughter. Rent a two-bedroom apartment. You
might want to hire a PI to investigate her behavior while she is
stripping. There might be something there, this would be a true fishing
trip. Ask your lawyer if that type of evidence would be allowed. Try to
see your daughter at every turn. Record all correspondance on the phone
and save all letters. Ask your lawyer if you have to tell her she is
being recorded to have the tapes be admissable, this varies by state.
Good luck.

Thanks for the quick reponse. That is a good question and I have
thought about it a lot. I know I should have seen this coming but I
didn't. When I met her she was a stripper and I knew nothing about
that life. She said it was more of a lifestyle than a job and I didn't
really understand that. As I got to know her I found out how awful it
really was. She hated it and told me most of the others hated it to.
Then I fell in love with her. I can't help that that happened and
those feeling have not gone away. My impression was that she was stuck
in some awful job with no way get out, but that she really wanted out.

Well, she got out and in my opinion didn't like what she found so she
went back. When she was out she could not replace the excitment and
all the tax-free money had advantages. During this time I learned how
bad a job it really was and what really goes on there. Now she is back
there by choice.

I can't see how anyone would think her lifestyle is the better one to
raise a child in. Do you see any advantages?
I have made a lot of mistakes like getting involved with a stripper and
having a baby without being married. Even others if you go back to my
teenage years. All I can do is try to do better as I go forward. I
don't hold her past agianst her and the fact that she used to be a
stripper is irrelevant. The fact that she is now a stripper is very
relevant. Am I wrong?

Thanks,
She sends 20 - 50 text messages to my cell-phone every day. Most are
very mean and very rude and accuse me of things I have never done.
This is how she told me that some guy was putting her up in an
apartment. My phone usually gets full after 60 messages so I delete
them. Would it help to save them? I could keep some of the worse or
take picures before i delete them. I'm sure I'll get more. I'll ask
my attorney about this.
The attorney seems very confident but has not asked a lot of specifics.
Not sure if this means anything, he could be concentrating on filling
the paperwork and getting her served first. He seems to think that
since she returned to being a stripper and is ready to take the baby
out of town that it should go in my favor easily. I'm not so confident
but I have no experience in this area.
A law firm I really respect and worked with in the past could not take
the case because they had worked with her in the past (I sent her there
for troubles with her ex). They refered me to mu current attorney and
I don't know much about him, but I don't know any others either. I'm
having trouble getting a second opion after I tell the attorney I
already have representation. They say I should listen to his advice.
I don't mind running my credit cards to the limit and cashing out my
retirement to get my daughter. I just don't want to squander the money
and I have no good way of evaulating what I'm told.

I am not saying you are wrong.....you just need to be able to explain
how YOU made such a poor choice. If you want to say you were naive
okay. If you want to say that you were roped in by her lies, then okay.
But you need to figure out the answer to the question....it will be
asked. I am not criticizing you, just saying that you need to say how
you made such a poor choice, and you need to admit it was a poor
choice.

Do I think her lifestyle is better? No. Do I think there are
advantages? No. But, what you do have to deal with is that you have a
VERY young child, a child of tender years as they call it. There is
such a strong emotional presumption that those young children belong
with their mother that it is difficult to overcome that. Also, she has
a sibling in that household. I don't know what your chances are....you
have an attorney and you need to do whatever that attorney advises.
That attorney knows the law in your jurisdiction and knows how the
courts typically view these things...that is the person you need to
listen to and rely upon.

Denise

Kent Wills wrote:
On 6 Sep 2005 19:12:34 -0700, wrote:

I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the
situation but can give more details if needed.


I've never been involved in one directly, but I know a bit
about them. I'll give you my opinions, but I'm not a lawyer, and these
are only my *opinions.*
Additionally, my opinions are based on what I know of the laws
in the state of Iowa. Your state's laws may be different.

My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother. The
mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which
ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support

Jerk! Other four-letter words have entered my mind, but I'll
be kind.

and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state,
where they used to live when the child was born.
She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she
returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months. She
works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is
gone. She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up
around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the
sitters. Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she
works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he
would not live there with her. She had been out of this for a year and
a half and had returned to school.

I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and
intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives
here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were
together. Her brother is also here.

I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've
paid $2,400.00. He seems to think I have a good chance of getting
custody but I wanted to hear some other opions.

Listen to what your attorney tells you and follow his advice.
He'll be better able to prepare you for what is about to happen than
most anyone else on these groups.

I have filed to
legitimate my daughter and for full legal and physical custody.

I love my daughter and want her with me. If her mother and I were
married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and
cannot trust at all and she admits this. I was always faithfull to her
and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they
come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her.

A logical presumption. Other comments you've made makes it
clear that she still seeks attention from men. I find that of
interest.

She seems
to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough.
Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she
got bored with the `normal` life.

I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we
are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both
parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my
girlfriend refuses.

I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a
stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and
wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things.

She's in the materialistic stage.
There isn't anything you can do regarding the 12 year-old.
She is not your child, and you will have no say in her upbringing.
You can not expect to get custody of her either.

I understand this, just thought I would ask. It was my girlfriend's
father's idea and I told him I could not do it.




I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her
mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe
emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil). In an effort
to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor
but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us.
The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on
paxil without therapy.

I'm a bit confused now. Is it the girlfriend, or the
ex-girlfriend, or the ex-girlfriend's mother who is on paxil?
I'm a bit surprised that one would be prescribed paxil if they
scream and swear. It's fairly common for depression and anxiety, but
not for violent verbal outbursts.

The mother of my child is on paxil. She is my ex-girlfriend but I may
have called her my girlfriend at some point. I see the word mother
there and it makes no sense. Sorry for the confusion.
She tells me she has very bad anxiety and that is what the paxil is
for. But i have noticed her mood swings are not had bad when she is on
paxil. She tells me it also makes her more calm which means we don't
fight so there is no reason to scream and swear.



I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town
(parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she
has no roots here and is ready to leave.

There isn't anything you can do to stop her from leaving.

I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a
college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year. She
wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is
going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old,
what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15?

No one knows. She may get a degree herself and be making a
six figure income within the next 10 to 15 years.


I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I
know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working.
She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it
anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test?


You can not. The court can, if the judge has reason to
believe she may be using. Past usage, even if admitted by the person
in question, probably isn't going to be enough to get a judge to order
a drug screening.

She used to use crank but I'm not even sure what that is. It was years
ago but she is probably smoking pot again.


She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty
sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home.

If so, it's only a matter of time until she gets caught.

She did it for 5 years 2 to 3 times a week without getting caught. She
has been pulled over before but she says they usually escort her to an
exit and let her sleep it off in the car. She has more speeding
tickets than I can count but I doubt that is serious enough to matter.



Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my
clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did
not take everything but she calls this abandonment.

Did you take ALL of your clothing? That might help prove that
you didn't intend to return, but I think she would have a hard time
proving abandonment. Simply leaving after an argument so that both
parties can cool off, even if you did take all your clothing, isn't
likely to fit any legal definition of abandonment.

My motorcycle is still at her place. Also my helments and some
mountian bike stuff were in her closet. I left a cable modem and
router but I had moved my computer earlier because she was so upset
everytime I used it. It was the trust issue and she always thought I
was chatting with women. I was usually working or reading the news -
never chatting with anyone.

I also left some clothes and jackets. The jackets are still there but
I got the clothes and bike stuff the first weekened that she went back
to the club. I still had a key and stayed there keeping the baby.

I was headed to work on a Friday morning when she told me she was going
back to the club. Told me to take the baby to a scheduled doctors
appointment and then to the sitters and she left. I did the doctor
appointment but the sitter was sick that day so I had to take off work
and watch the baby on a moments notice so she could rush back to the
strip club. Maybe she did the abandoning but I doubt either of use did
from a legal standpoint.

So that night I stayed in her apartment with our daughter and packed
the rest of my stuff. The next night my daughter and I stayed at a
hotel.


I was at the hotel
for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying
in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow
I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at
$70-80 a night.

Few could.


Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her
rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to
have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years
olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be
broke. The next weekend she went back again.

Presuming what you write is true, and I have no reason to
doubt it right now, then it's clear she isn't stripping for the money.


I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and
paying her rent so I'm stopping it today.

I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my
daughter?

Not too bad, but it's not a sure thing yet.

Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old?

Your chances are roughly zero. She is not your daughter.
Unless you adopted her, you have no legal right to seek custody. The
best you might hope for is getting the actual Dad to seek custody or
have the child declared a ward of the court.
I don't know how great either option is. The sperm donor dad
clearly doesn't care much about the child. He's not likely to want to
seek custody. And while being a ward of the court would remove the
child from a *possible* bad home life, it's fairly rough on the child.

I don't
think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want
his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and
can really not do anything about it.

Worrying about grand-children is a bit premature. The child
is only 12. Yes, some 12 year-olds can get pregnant, but if that
happens, I don't expect that either of you will need to worry about
the grand-child's upbringing. There will be other issues to address.


The father of my girlfriend (mother of my baby) is worried about his 12
year old granddaughter being in that environment, not about the 12 year
old having a baby. sorry for the confusion


What should I do?

Listen to your attorney's advice above all else.

How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing
people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired.

Get a restraining order. One that specifies that she can not
contact you in any way directly or via a third party.
This alone may not stop her, but if she violates it, she's
looking at some trouble.


I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the
future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer
at the hotel with no spell checker.

Some parts were confusing, but I think I understood the gist
of what you meant.
Again, what I've written are just my opinions based on what I
know of Iowa's custody laws. You ultimately should listen to your
attorney above anything anyone writes.

--
Kent

When cryptography is outlawed,
bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

This has to be a troll

wrote:
Kent Wills wrote:
On 6 Sep 2005 19:12:34 -0700, wrote:

I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the
situation but can give more details if needed.


I've never been involved in one directly, but I know a bit
about them. I'll give you my opinions, but I'm not a lawyer, and these
are only my *opinions.*
Additionally, my opinions are based on what I know of the laws
in the state of Iowa. Your state's laws may be different.

My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother. The
mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which
ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support

Jerk! Other four-letter words have entered my mind, but I'll
be kind.

and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state,
where they used to live when the child was born.
She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she
returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months. She
works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is
gone. She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up
around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the
sitters. Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she
works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he
would not live there with her. She had been out of this for a year and
a half and had returned to school.

I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and
intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives
here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were
together. Her brother is also here.

I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've
paid $2,400.00. He seems to think I have a good chance of getting
custody but I wanted to hear some other opions.

Listen to what your attorney tells you and follow his advice.
He'll be better able to prepare you for what is about to happen than
most anyone else on these groups.

I have filed to
legitimate my daughter and for full legal and physical custody.

I love my daughter and want her with me. If her mother and I were
married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and
cannot trust at all and she admits this. I was always faithfull to her
and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they
come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her.

A logical presumption. Other comments you've made makes it
clear that she still seeks attention from men. I find that of
interest.

She seems
to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough.
Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she
got bored with the `normal` life.

I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we
are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both
parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my
girlfriend refuses.

I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a
stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and
wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things.

She's in the materialistic stage.
There isn't anything you can do regarding the 12 year-old.
She is not your child, and you will have no say in her upbringing.
You can not expect to get custody of her either.

I understand this, just thought I would ask. It was my girlfriend's
father's idea and I told him I could not do it.




I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her
mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe
emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil). In an effort
to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor
but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us.
The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on
paxil without therapy.

I'm a bit confused now. Is it the girlfriend, or the
ex-girlfriend, or the ex-girlfriend's mother who is on paxil?
I'm a bit surprised that one would be prescribed paxil if they
scream and swear. It's fairly common for depression and anxiety, but
not for violent verbal outbursts.

The mother of my child is on paxil. She is my ex-girlfriend but I may
have called her my girlfriend at some point. I see the word mother
there and it makes no sense. Sorry for the confusion.
She tells me she has very bad anxiety and that is what the paxil is
for. But i have noticed her mood swings are not had bad when she is on
paxil. She tells me it also makes her more calm which means we don't
fight so there is no reason to scream and swear.



I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town
(parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she
has no roots here and is ready to leave.

There isn't anything you can do to stop her from leaving.

I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a
college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year. She
wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is
going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old,
what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15?

No one knows. She may get a degree herself and be making a
six figure income within the next 10 to 15 years.


I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I
know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working.
She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it
anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test?


You can not. The court can, if the judge has reason to
believe she may be using. Past usage, even if admitted by the person
in question, probably isn't going to be enough to get a judge to order
a drug screening.

She used to use crank but I'm not even sure what that is. It was years
ago but she is probably smoking pot again.


She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty
sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home.

If so, it's only a matter of time until she gets caught.

She did it for 5 years 2 to 3 times a week without getting caught. She
has been pulled over before but she says they usually escort her to an
exit and let her sleep it off in the car. She has more speeding
tickets than I can count but I doubt that is serious enough to matter.



Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my
clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did
not take everything but she calls this abandonment.

Did you take ALL of your clothing? That might help prove that
you didn't intend to return, but I think she would have a hard time
proving abandonment. Simply leaving after an argument so that both
parties can cool off, even if you did take all your clothing, isn't
likely to fit any legal definition of abandonment.

My motorcycle is still at her place. Also my helments and some
mountian bike stuff were in her closet. I left a cable modem and
router but I had moved my computer earlier because she was so upset
everytime I used it. It was the trust issue and she always thought I
was chatting with women. I was usually working or reading the news -
never chatting with anyone.

I also left some clothes and jackets. The jackets are still there but
I got the clothes and bike stuff the first weekened that she went back
to the club. I still had a key and stayed there keeping the baby.

I was headed to work on a Friday morning when she told me she was going
back to the club. Told me to take the baby to a scheduled doctors
appointment and then to the sitters and she left. I did the doctor
appointment but the sitter was sick that day so I had to take off work
and watch the baby on a moments notice so she could rush back to the
strip club. Maybe she did the abandoning but I doubt either of use did
from a legal standpoint.

So that night I stayed in her apartment with our daughter and packed
the rest of my stuff. The next night my daughter and I stayed at a
hotel.


I was at the hotel
for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying
in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow
I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at
$70-80 a night.

Few could.


Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her
rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to
have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years
olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be
broke. The next weekend she went back again.

Presuming what you write is true, and I have no reason to
doubt it right now, then it's clear she isn't stripping for the money.


I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and
paying her rent so I'm stopping it today.

I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my
daughter?

Not too bad, but it's not a sure thing yet.

Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old?

Your chances are roughly zero. She is not your daughter.
Unless you adopted her, you have no legal right to seek custody. The
best you might hope for is getting the actual Dad to seek custody or
have the child declared a ward of the court.
I don't know how great either option is. The sperm donor dad
clearly doesn't care much about the child. He's not likely to want to
seek custody. And while being a ward of the court would remove the
child from a *possible* bad home life, it's fairly rough on the child.

I don't
think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want
his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and
can really not do anything about it.

Worrying about grand-children is a bit premature. The child
is only 12. Yes, some 12 year-olds can get pregnant, but if that
happens, I don't expect that either of you will need to worry about
the grand-child's upbringing. There will be other issues to address.


The father of my girlfriend (mother of my baby) is worried about his 12
year old granddaughter being in that environment, not about the 12 year
old having a baby. sorry for the confusion


What should I do?

Listen to your attorney's advice above all else.

How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing
people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired.

Get a restraining order. One that specifies that she can not
contact you in any way directly or via a third party.
This alone may not stop her, but if she violates it, she's
looking at some trouble.


I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the
future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer
at the hotel with no spell checker.

Some parts were confusing, but I think I understood the gist
of what you meant.
Again, what I've written are just my opinions based on what I
know of Iowa's custody laws. You ultimately should listen to your
attorney above anything anyone writes.

--
Kent

When cryptography is outlawed,
bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

wrote:
I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the
situation but can give more details if needed.

I am not a lawyer, so take my advice for what it's worth.

My daughter is 6 months old and I was never married to her mother.

Is your name on her birth certificate?

The
mother has another 12 year old daughter from a previous marraiage which
ended badly over 10 years ago and the father never pays child support
and sees his daughter about once a year. He lives in another state,
where they used to live when the child was born.
She (the mother) used to work as a stripper and two weeks ago she
returned to that job after being out of it for over 18 months.

While I may agree with you and not want my child to be raised by a
stripper, courts in general do not like to pass morality judgements.
They may or may not care that the mother is a stripper. It may depend
on the GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) appointed to the case. It will very
likely depend on whether or not the child is in any danger from mom's
stripping job. If the mom keeps her job entirely separate from
child-rearing, the courts may not care about what she does for a
living. Stripping is not illegal.

Even if it *was* illegal, bear in mind that courts try to keep children
and parents together no matter what, and have been known to maintain
contact even with parents who are convicted criminals, committed to
mental institutions, etc, etc.


She
works out of town and leaves both children with a sitter while she is
gone.

Probably irrevelant. Lots of parents must necessarily rely on child
care. In fact, they may see this as a responsible thing - i.e., she is
not dragging the kids to the strip club with her.

She usually works one day during the week and picks the kids up
around 11pm, then she works the entire weekend and they stay at the
sitters.

So she works only three days a week, and cares for the children
full-time the remaining 5 days? Nice schedule. Sorta like the type of
hours a nurse keeps.

What about you? If you have custody, will you need to put the child
into daycare while you work 9 to 5, five days a week?

Last week she told me she was moving to the town were she
works town and some guy was going to set her up in an apartment but he
would not live there with her.

Irrevelant to your custody case.

She had been out of this for a year and
a half and had returned to school.

Is she still in school? That could play in her favor - no matter how
she intends to pay for school.

I am local guy who has lived in this town my whole life (38 years) and
intend to stay here. The mother is not from here. Her mother lives
here but they do not speak and I never met her in the 2 years we were
together. Her brother is also here.

It is favorable that you have a history of being stable. Also favorable
that the town you live in is also where her family lives - except that
it would be more helpful if you had contact with them. Then you could
tell the courts you intend to encourage the child's relationships not
just with mom, but also with extended family.

Is it the mother who has moved away from this town? Or did you move
back to it after the relationship failed? This may be a key point.
Whoever moved will not be regarded favorably, as that move is what
precipitated forcing the courts to play King Solomon with the child. If
you were both in the same town, you could have shared custody.

I have already started the paperwork and I have an attorney who I've
paid $2,400.00.

Expect to pay a lot more if you proceed. A GAL will be appointed, and
you and the mother will split that fee ($7000 in our case). Then you
will also have to pay for mandatory pysch testing. And that is just the
beginning... depending on how hard the mother fights, and what her
resources are (as a stripper she probably has a lot), it could drag out
and with every day it lasts, get more and more costly.

He seems to think I have a good chance of getting
custody but I wanted to hear some other opions. I have filed to
legitimate my daughter

What does this mean? Is your name on the birth certificate? Are you
paying c.s. to the mother now?

and for full legal and physical custody.

Is there any possible way you and the mother could reach an agreement
by which you share custody? What is the physical distance between you?
Any chance at all you could close that distance?

If not permanently, perhaps at least temporarily. Because you should be
aware that what the courts mostly care about (provided the child is not
in danger) is *quantity* time spent with the child, not quality. So
every day the mother has the child and you don't, she is racking up
more quantity time than you. With that in mind, do you have documented
proof that you have spent significant quantity time caring for your
daughter since birth and before you moved? That would be helpful to
have.

I love my daughter and want her with me.

And she probably feels the same exact way, despite her choice of
profession. In fact, I'd expect her to plead to the courts that she
MUST work as a stripper to be able to afford single motherhood, a nasty
custody battle, and to give her child the best life possible.

If her mother and I were
married it would be great but this cannot be. The mother hates men and
cannot trust at all and she admits this.

Once a GAL has been appointed, he will spend hours interviewing both of
you separately. You do not need to bad-mouth the mother, and the GAL
will probably take it with a grain of salt if you do (all divorcing
people are pretty hostile at each other). Sounds like she may be her
own worse enemy, and you can hope that her attitude towards men, anger
issues, and emotioanl problems seeps out during her interview and the
GAL sees it for himself.

I was always faithfull to her
and have never done anything to cause these feelings. I assume they
come from her job and things that her ex-husband did to her. She seems
to crave so much attention that one person can never give her enough.
Perhaps she was used to that in her job. I m also pretty sure she
got bored with the `normal` life.

There are always two sides to every story, and the GAL is paid to be
objective and sort it all out. Your subjective opinion here is not
going to be enough; evidence is your friend.

Do you have any evidence that she got bored with the normal life,
versus the relationship failing due to unresolveable issues that
involved you, and not just her? Start thinking hard: emails where she
writes in her own words that it's not you, really, she is simply bored
with the normal life? Those answering machine messages and IMs? Mutual
friends that could attest to this, via their court affadavits? Any and
all record of her saying this should be collected NOW to help you build
a solid, convincing case to the GAL, beyond he-said/she-said.

The courts won't care about he-said/she-said stuff; they've heard it
ALL! It is incredibly common for a loving couple to dissolve into
character assinations once custody becomes an issue!!! "Stripping is
not a conducive environment for children" sure is a clever one, but may
not be clever enough.

I still wish we could work things out but I don't see how. Since we
are not going to be married I prefer my daughter to still have both
parents in her life. For that, we need to be in the same town but my
girlfriend refuses.

Can't you move to her town? If not, you'd better have very solid and
convincing reasons why you cannot.

I really don't want my daughter to be raised thinking that being a
stripper is an acceptable job. The 12 year old already likes it and
wants her mother to do it because the money means she gets more things.

Heh. She could claim, for example, that you are a right-winged
conservative fundamentalist, and she doesn't want her daughter raised
by a type like that.

Stripping is not illegal, it pays good money, and by your own words,
she is not bringing the kids to the strip club. That you don't approve
doesn't really matter.

The only way the courts will care, is if she has somehow exposed the
child to danger. You would need convincing evidence of this, not just
"she might."

I can be very calm and don't screem and swear in every argument but her
mother cannot control her temper. She mother seems to have severe
emotional problems and takes medication for this (paxil).

Courts don't care that a parent is on medication. In fact, it will show
in her favor that despite her emotional problems, she is actively
trying to do something about them, by taking prescribed medicine.

If she was NOT taking prescribed medicine, then that would be a black
mark against her. But, she is.

In an effort
to work things out I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor
but my girlfriend did not go. I went alone but this does not help us.
The counselor says she should be in therapy and should not rely on
paxil without therapy.

You might consider getting that in an affadavit, but it probably won't
help much, as that counselor has never met your girlfriend, so is not
qualified at all to make such a judgement.

I have a stable family history with everyone living in this town
(parents, grandparents, brothers familty, sistes family, etc.) and she
has no roots here and is ready to leave.

But she has not left yet? I'm confused. How is she working three days a
week? Does she travel to the strip club? Could the two of you work out
an arrangement where you share custody, enabling her to continue
commuting to her job (versus moving out of town)?

I have a good job that can provide for me and my daughter. I have a
college education and am an engineer earning close to 100k a year.

Courts won't care much. Parents, no matter how uneducated or poor, are
entitled to raise their own children. This is not about who is smarter,
better, richer, more moral. Parents are pretty much entitled to screw
up their children anyway they see fit, *provided* the child's life is
not put into danger.

She
wants to work as a stripper and live in an apartment someone else is
going to pay for while taking care of 2 kids. She is 32 years old,
what will she be doing when my daughter is 10 years old, what about 15?

Probably not stripping anymore!

I don't think she does any hard drugs (but she has years ago) but I
know she used to smoke pot almost every night while she was working.
She gave that up when we got together and tells me she is not doing it
anymore. If she is would that matter? Can I force her to take a test?

I have no idea whether the GAL would enforce mandatory testing. I doubt
it, but maybe. If so, you'd also be tested.

She is also drunk almost the entire time she is at work. I'm pretty
sure she is drunk when she begins the 2 hour drive home.

Are the kids in the car with her? If so, then you may have yourself a
case that she has put them into danger. Has she ever been convicted of
drunk driving? This is exactly the kind of thing the courts sit up and
take notice.

Just before she went back to work we had an argument and I packed my
clothes and went to a hotel. It was her apartment, not mine, and I did
not take everything but she calls this abandonment.

Well, technically, you're not married, so it's not abandonment, really.


I was at the hotel
for 2 nights and she was back at the strip club. I have been staying
in a hotel ever since (13 days so far) hoping to work it out. Tomorrow
I am getting an apartment because I can no longer afford the hotels at
$70-80 a night.

Good. Stay there in that town, near your child, start paying c.s., and
see your child as much as possible, until the custody issue is settled.
That is your best strategy here. Offer to watch the children while she
strips, instead of her getting a sitter.

Even though I went to the hotel and she went back to work I paid her
rent becuase I don't want her going back again. I didn't want her to
have to do this because she needed the money. I also paid her 12 years
olds private school tution and gave her $200 cash so she would not be
broke. The next weekend she went back again.

I can no longer afford this. I am broke from staying in Hotels and
paying her rent so I'm stopping it today.

Forget paying her rent and the school tuition, etc. Just calculate what
c.s. would be if it was court-ordered, and start paying her that.

I want my daughter. What are my chances of getting custody of my
daughter?

As I said I am not a lawyer, and your lawyer is the best person to
advise you. I am only sharing what I know based on my own custody
battle experience.

I don't want my comments to discourage you; hopefully you will find
they help you channel your custody battle energies in the most
effective manner, instead of wasting $ and time on the wrong issues.
The most effective way to channel your energies, IMO, is to work out an
equitable custody sharing agreement and stay out of the courts as much
as possible.

The fact of the matter is, you had a child with this woman, and there
is nothing you can do to change that fact now. You are better off
spending your energies working to learn how to get along with her,
accept that she is going to strip no matter what you do, and respect
that even if you don't like her profession, she has *every* right to
maintain contact with her child, as do you. A child needs *BOTH*
parents in their lives.


Is there any chance I could get custody of her 12 year old? I don't
think so but my girlfriends father wants me to try. He does not want
his grand-daughter in that environment but he lives out of state and
can really not do anything about it.

Interesting. I doubt you can get custody of her, but if you proceed
down the GAL path, it may be helpful to have the GAL talk to your gf's
father too.

What should I do?
How can I get her to stop calling me and screaming at me and harassing
people at my job. I'm worried she will get me fired.

Start recording every single phone call. And notify HR about what is
going on; perhaps they can help you by putting a block or something.

I hope this message is coherent. I'm upset and worried about the
future and probably made a lot of typos. I'm posting from a computer
at the hotel with no spell checker.

Good luck!

jen

shinypenny wrote:
wrote:
I am about to enter a legal battle for custody of my daughter and would
like to know what I can expect. I'll give a brief overview of the
situation but can give more details if needed.

I am not a lawyer, so take my advice for what it's worth.

LOL. It's probably worth a lot more. (I mean, on a Higher Level)