Gifts

Hello,

History: My fiancé and I are both Non-custodial parents. The children are 11, 10, & 9. We have been together for 6 years and we have all three of them every other weekend. Every X-mas and birthday we have bought them almost whatever they have wanted because the custodial parents do not. Each year we have allowed the presents to be taken to the custodial household, and we continued to purchase gifts throughout the year for them to play with at our home, and over time those would go as well. Each year the children have become more and more unappreciative of the gifts they receive from us. The children and custodial parents have come to expect us to buy them the elaborate gifts as well as school clothes, supplies, etc… even though we both pay child support. When the custodial parents buy the kids gifts, the children are NOT allowed to bring them over to play with at our house for our weekends. We are trying not to be vindictive to her ex or my ex, but we want to see the children enjoying the presents we have purchased.

Issue: This year we decided not to send the present’s home with them, we are trying to save for a wedding and buy a new house. We spent $300 on each child for Christmas with the anticipation that we will give them (on there birthdays) another $100 in toys. The children have now in they’re rebellious & unappreciative nature come back and have demanded to take some or most of they’re toys home with them, stating “the presents are theirs and they can do whatever they want with them”. Is this wrong? Should we allow this, even though the toys that have gone home with them have never been seen again? What is a normal procedure for gifts bought at Christmas & Birthdays (what goes with them and what should stay at Non-custodial House?)

Any advice is much appreciated.

Thank you,
~D

"Diablos" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Issue: This year we decided not to send the present's home with them, we
are trying to save for a wedding and buy a new house. We spent $300 on each
child for Christmas with the anticipation that we will give them (on there
birthdays) another $100 in toys. The children have now in they're
rebellious & unappreciative nature come back and have demanded to take some
or most of they're toys home with them, stating "the presents are theirs and
they can do whatever they want with them". Is this wrong? Should we allow
this, even though the toys that have gone home with them have never been
seen again? What is a normal procedure for gifts bought at Christmas &
Birthdays (what goes with them and what should stay at Non-custodial House?)


Once you give a gift, it's theirs. It doesn't help them be more
appreciative to force them to keep the gifts at your home. You've pretty
much set this whole situation up yourself by trying to buy their love in the
first place. Spend the money on gifts you don't mind spending, i.e., never
seeing again. Don't spend money because everyone expects you to.
Meanwhile, try giving in other more non-monetary ways. Spend time with them
at the movies, at the park, at the zoo. Make cookies together, do crafts,
etc.

In article
outparenting.com,
"Diablos" wrote:

Hello,

History: My fiance and I are both Non-custodial parents. The children are
11, 10, & 9. We have been together for 6 years and we have all three of them
every other weekend. Every X-mas and birthday we have bought them almost
whatever they have wanted because the custodial parents do not. Each year we
have allowed the presents to be taken to the custodial household, and we
continued to purchase gifts throughout the year for them to play with at our
home, and over time those would go as well. Each year the children have
become more and more unappreciative of the gifts they receive from us. The
children and custodial parents have come to expect us to buy them the
elaborate gifts as well as school clothes, supplies, etc? even though we both
pay child support. When the custodial parents buy the kids gifts, the
children are NOT allowed to bring them over to play with at our house for our
weekends. We are trying not to be vindictive to her ex or my ex, but we want
to see the children enjoying the presents we have purchased.

Issue: This year we decided not to send the present,s home with them, we are
trying to save for a wedding and buy a new house. We spent $300 on each
child for Christmas with the anticipation that we will give them (on there
birthdays) another $100 in toys. The children have now in they,re rebellious
& unappreciative nature come back and have demanded to take some or most of
they,re toys home with them, stating ?the presents are theirs and they can do
whatever they want with them?. Is this wrong? Should we allow this, even
though the toys that have gone home with them have never been seen again?
What is a normal procedure for gifts bought at Christmas & Birthdays (what
goes with them and what should stay at Non-custodial House?)

Any advice is much appreciated.

Thank you,
~D



first of all -- you are trying to buy their love and that never works
-- all this focus on 'major gifts' and money is establishing the context
of your relationship with them -- the resentment and mercenary values
are shouting out in this post -- the kids can see it too

on the other hand, to give them gifts and then forbid them to take them
home when they always have before is picking a fight

How about outfitting your home with art supplies, books, games or
activities everyone can participate in and also plan outings and
activities everyone can do -- and provide much less elaborate gifts --
that they do with what they will. You might discuss financial issues
e.g. we have limited funds because we are saving up for the house [or
whatever] but also start teaching them some values that aren't about
gimmee -- e.g. 'we aren't comfortable focusing our time together on
'stuff''

plan interesting activities and spend time doing things with them --
teach them to cook by planning festive dinners that each of them gets a
turn planning and helping with, go on picnics or hikes or raft trips or
whatever is available where you are. Go to films together and out for
pizza and conversation afterwards. Put each of them in charge of
planning a saturday -- in turn within some limits you are willing to
work with e.g. if you think it necessary provide lists of local outings,
activities, etc.

If they complain about not enough toys etc, suggest they may want to
bring toys with them on their visits [not in a punitive way -- just that
it would make toys available for them to play with]

Focus on the kids and their personalities and interests and on building
the relationship and get out of the moneybags business

it is very late in the day for this shift to stronger values -- so be
aware that kids may react negatively -- you need to be calm, loving and
have the courage of your convictions

if you don't do this, as these kids get older and naturally draw away
from the less involved parent, you will have nothing left of the
relationship by the time they are adults -- and the next few years will
be nothing but check writing

these kids are of an age where it is quite literally your last chance to
turn this around -- and they are old enough to discuss it with them in a
positive constructive way i.e. how can we make our weekends better for
everyone NOT 'we aren't going to keep buying you stuff'

In article
outparenting.com,
"Diablos" wrote:

Toypup, that is also part of the issue on our weekends, we are the ones to
take them everywhere; i.e. zoo, movies, chucky cheese, museums? we roast
marshmallows with them in the back yard; read books with them, do homework
with them when they have it; so we do spend quality time with them. We are
not trying to buy our kids love. We are just tired of overcompensating for
the lack of attention & love the custodial parents are not giving them. But
thanks anyway.



your post was full of the great importance of spending huge amounts on
gifts -- why are you doing this? [if not to buy love]

the greatest gift a parent can give is to raise his or her kids not to
be greedy little grabbers whose idea of happiness is more and more and
more stuff

get them involved in preparing Christmas for a needy family, or some
other charitable service -- show them there is something more important
than consumer crap

Toypup, that is also part of the issue on our weekends, we are the ones to take them everywhere; i.e. zoo, movies, chucky cheese, museums… we roast marshmallows with them in the back yard; read books with them, do homework with them when they have it; so we do spend quality time with them. We are not trying to buy our kids love. We are just tired of overcompensating for the lack of attention & love the custodial parents are not giving them. But thanks anyway.

Toypup, that is also part of the issue on our weekends, we are the ones to take them everywhere; i.e. zoo, movies, chucky cheese, museums… we roast marshmallows with them in the back yard; read books with them, do homework with them when they have it; so we do spend quality time with them. We are not trying to buy our kids love. We are just tired of overcompensating for the lack of attention & love the custodial parents are not giving them. But thanks anyway.

x-no-archive:yes


"toypup" wrote:


"Diablos" wrote in message
alkaboutparenting.com...
Issue: This year we decided not to send the present's home with them, we
are trying to save for a wedding and buy a new house. We spent $300 on each
child for Christmas with the anticipation that we will give them (on there
birthdays) another $100 in toys. The children have now in they're
rebellious & unappreciative nature come back and have demanded to take some
or most of they're toys home with them, stating "the presents are theirs and
they can do whatever they want with them". Is this wrong? Should we allow
this, even though the toys that have gone home with them have never been
seen again? What is a normal procedure for gifts bought at Christmas &
Birthdays (what goes with them and what should stay at Non-custodial House?)


Once you give a gift, it's theirs. It doesn't help them be more
appreciative to force them to keep the gifts at your home. You've pretty
much set this whole situation up yourself by trying to buy their love in the
first place. Spend the money on gifts you don't mind spending, i.e., never
seeing again. Don't spend money because everyone expects you to.


I agree that I would not try to restrict the presents from going home
with them. That seems like it's not a real gift to me. If they are
presents, they ARE theirs to do with as they wish.

What I would have done was
a) I don't spend more than $75 per child or $50 per grandchild for
either Xmas OR birthday. You can get plenty of stuff for that.
b) I have a set of toys at my house that belong to my house that were
NOT gifts - they are MY toys.

I do this (as my mom did before me) so that my grandchildren have
something to play with at my house. It isn't much. I've got some
balls (especially some that escaped from the school across the street
although I periodically try to return some of them), some frisbees
(free), some slinkys that I got at a convention (free), some blocks, a
top, one of those toys that has various shaped holes to put shaped
blocks, a gear toy where you build stuff and turn one handle and all
the gears move, and stuff like that. Plus the toys and some of the
books that my kids had when they were kids, like a play garage, and
some stuffed toys. I just went to a catalog and spent about $100 on
interactive type toys for various ages.

Anything like electronic toys or stuff like that, if they want to play
with it at my house, they can bring it with them. They don't usually
do much of them though.


Meanwhile, try giving in other more non-monetary ways. Spend time with them
at the movies, at the park, at the zoo. Make cookies together, do crafts,
etc.


grandma Rosalie

"Diablos" wrote in message alkaboutparenting.com...
Hello,

History: My fiancé and I are both Non-custodial parents. The
children are 11, 10, & 9. We have been together for 6 years and we
have all three of them every other weekend. Every X-mas and birthday
we have bought them almost whatever they have wanted because the
custodial parents do not. Each year we have allowed the presents to
be taken to the custodial household, and we continued to purchase
gifts throughout the year for them to play with at our home, and over
time those would go as well. Each year the children have become more
and more unappreciative of the gifts they receive from us.



I would not base your gift giving on what the custodial parents do or
do not do. Handle your gifts as you find appropriate, don't overdo it
to a) make up for their custodial parents or b)because you are not the
custodial parents. I would let them take their gifts home if they
wanted but I would pair down the gift giving and use some of those
funds to purchase house hold games/toys/items that are not given as
gifts...but that are just there, in your house, where they will stay.
You might also consider gifts that are used up and then gone...perhaps
a family vacation or a daytrip/activity somewhere. I suppose that
might depend on where you live.

--

Nikki

"Diablos" wrote
Issue: This year we decided not to send the present?s home with
them, we are trying to save for a wedding and buy a new house. We
spent $300 on each child for Christmas with the anticipation that we
will give them (on there birthdays) another $100 in toys. The
children have now in they?re rebellious & unappreciative nature come
back and have demanded to take some or most of they?re toys home with
them, stating ?the presents are theirs and they can do whatever they
want with them?. Is this wrong? Should we allow this, even though
the toys that have gone home with them have never been seen again?
What is a normal procedure for gifts bought at Christmas &
Birthdays (what goes with them and what should stay at Non-custodial
House?)

I hope that some divorced parents answer your question. I thought it
was common for kids to have some things sort of designated for one of
their homes and other things designated for their other home.
Nevertheless, kids will want to have access to their special things
more than just every other weekend, and I see no reason to forbid
that. (I think I'd also be upset by the idea of $300 worth of stuff
only being used every other weekend!)

I think you need to honestly examine your goal here. If your goal is
to make sure that the kids have plenty to do at your house without you
having to regularly buy more stuff, then you are 100% right, as far as
I'm concerned. But if your goal is to keep the stuff you buy them at
your house simply because you bought it for them, and also because
your exes have such a policy, then you need to reexamine this. As long
as they keep, or bring back to the house, a reasonable selection of
stuff every visit, you really shouldn't care, IMO, unless there are
certain toys of other gifts that are special to you as well or that
you want to share with them (e.g., a basketball to play basketball
with you with; a musical instrument that you'd like to see how they're
doing with; a book you were hoping to read together). Also, I think it
would be OK for you to ask that they keep, say, certain decorations at
your house. (I'm thinking, e.g., of things my DD likes to keep on her
dresser that are meaningful to her and of a few posters my son has on
his wall that make his room "his".)

Your kids are old enough that I think you should present the issue to
them much as you have to us. Explain that you do not have unlimited
funds (do they not know this by now?) and that therefore, if they want
to take most of their toys (recent gifts or otherwise) home with them
when they leave your house, they need to remember to bring them back
to your house, or to bring other favorite belongings. You want your
house to be special to them, and to some extent, things make a place
special to a person, so it would be nice if some of their special
things "lived at" your house. You can't keep buying more and more for
them to take home after each weekend visit just so they have stuff to
do at your house and stuff to make your house theirs too.

What do they do at your house if they take all their toys home and
don't bring them back?

"Nevermind" wrote in message
om...
I hope that some divorced parents answer your question. I thought it
was common for kids to have some things sort of designated for one of
their homes and other things designated for their other home.
Nevertheless, kids will want to have access to their special things
more than just every other weekend, and I see no reason to forbid
that. (I think I'd also be upset by the idea of $300 worth of stuff
only being used every other weekend!)

I think you need to honestly examine your goal here. If your goal is
to make sure that the kids have plenty to do at your house without you
having to regularly buy more stuff, then you are 100% right, as far as
I'm concerned.

I disagree. If the goal is for the kids to have something to play with at
OP's house, then the OP should buy toys that belong to the OP and not give
them as gifts. Gifts, once given, belong to the recipient to do with as
they please.

to your house, or to bring other favorite belongings. You want your
house to be special to them, and to some extent, things make a place
special to a person, so it would be nice if some of their special
things "lived at" your house. You can't keep buying more and more for
them to take home after each weekend visit just so they have stuff to
do at your house and stuff to make your house theirs too.

Children of divorce often feel as if they don't belong at their
non-custodial parent's home, like they are just visitors. It is possible
that they store their toys at their home because that's where they keeps
what's theirs. I wouldn't really blame them for that mentality. Divorce is
hard enough on a kid as it is without them having to remember who gave what
and then have to lug their toys back and forth with each visit so that the
other parent doesn't feel unloved. Do these kids have their own room that's
truly theirs or do they have the guest bedroom that gets used whenever they
are gone? They may not feel they have a space that's theirs.

At any rate, I stand by my original opinion. If it is a gift, they should
do with it as they please, even throw it away or auction it off (though
discreetly). Anything with strings attached is not a gift. If toys are to
remain at OP's home, they belong to the OP.