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#1
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On the subject of excruciatingly difficult kids whom we love
Well, call me lazy, but I've only read some of the thread.
Joelle, I think you're making sense. Bebe, I know you know, but Joelle's not on your ass, okay? She's not really even talking to or about you. Your experiences are totally in the picture, they count, and they've got something to offer, but you need to lose the defensiveness. Joelle can get up your neck, but she's not malicious. She's sincere and she does make sense. Joelle, you're not the only one, I guarantee you. Quite a few of us have been through agonising depression and medication and grief and bereavement and pain with our kids. It's a bit minimising of that to have you say you're the only one, IMO. Still, you make a ton of sense, as you often do. Sly, here's the thing: You're gonna get tons of advice. You're gonna get even more judgement. Everyone figures they know, and some of them do, but none of them do. Bottom line: you've got to go with your gut. And even, subterranean, bottom line: you've got to stay with it, thick or thin, no matter what. Because the staying with it, however imperfectly, and however hard, is the thing. It's what matters in the end. Mine kicked in the door one time, after we agreed, in a rational moment, that when she lost the plot I should lock her into her bedroom. Another time, I nailed the window shut. Had to borrow a ladder to do it. Can't tell you how many times I had her in holds - to keep her from the razor blades, to keep her from the window - to keep her from who she thought she was. Ever heard the P!NK song, 'I'm a Hazard to Myself'? That was her theme song. Had her in holds on the floor long past where any professional (which I am) would've tried a one person hold. Called the cops one time when she lasted longer than I did. Sat on the floor of her friend's house and refused to leave for five hours one time, when she ran and I wouldn't give up. Spent countless hours in hospital...spent one nasty night in the ICU waiting to see if the intentional overdose would be a win or lose. Left home to get her care. Yada, yada, yada..... She's good now. Not totally healed, but good. Aware. Clear on whose life it is, and who's in charge of it. Clear on who will make it or break it. And when she decides to talk about it, which isn't often, there's this one refrain.... 'You stayed with me. You stuck it out.' I've said, "You'll never get rid of me. You think that stunt will run me off? Dream on. I'm a limpet. You're never gonna run me off. I'm your mother and you can't run off your mother. We're like crazy glue. We're like a bad penny. No matter what you do, I'm gonna be around. So quit trying." And she heard me..through all of it, she heard me. She knew I was there. If I could give you anything, it would be heart and strength and courage and everything else you need, just to hang on to the precipice when it feels like you're going over, because that's what they need, and that's ultimately what we can give. And eventually, they know what you did. They really do. They know you hung in there, they know you gave a crap, they know you were alive with them, and that's what they needed, to find their own lives. It's excruciatingly, agonizingly, desperately hard. But it's worth it, it's possible, and it's what you can do. So hang in there. Platitude number six is available to your right. (platitude #6 says: take care of yourself, find time for yourself, don't beat yourself up, yada yada yada, like you have control, right?) But hard as it is, know it's worth it, and know you can. Joelle has. I have. Bebe has. Others have. You can. Be well. Cele |
#3
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Quite a few of us
have been through agonising depression and medication and grief and bereavement and pain with our kids. It's a bit minimising of that to have you say you're the only one, Okay, lemme explain again because I'm in no way minimizing anybody's pain and experience. I overstated the case because I thought it was so ironic that Kit and my boys were SO similar with the anger and outbursts that don't make sense. Frankly I've never known anyone to have a kid with quite the problems my son does. It's just a matter of similarity. Of course lots of people have difficulties with kids. God knows I'm not the only one and I'm really lucky because it could have been worse. Although I have to confess sometimes I used to wish my son had a drug problem, because then at least I would know what to do. Lots of people experience grief. But Kate and I know a particular kind of grief, and even then, it's not the same so some things we can say "I know how you feel" but other things we have to say "That I don't know or understand" That's all I meant. God knows I haven't suffered any more, I don't know any mroe, and I'm not any better than anyone else. Of course i've made mistakes. In fact, if I do think I'm smart, it's from what I learned from my mistakes. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#4
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judgement.
Everyone figures they know, and some of them do, but none of them do. Some old church lady told me this saying that I found to be full of grace... "Everyone knows what to do with the crazy lady except the one that keeps her" I almost made that my sig line. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#5
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"Cele" wrote in message
news Well, call me lazy, but I've only read some of the thread. Cele, you're lazy. Okay? :-Þ On a more serious note I'd like to make the following two points to the universe in general. 1) I doubt there are many kids out there who actually *choose* to be "difficult". 2) Kids don't have the monopoly on this unconditional love business. Works for adults too. -- Paul Griffiths |
#6
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"Cele" wrote in message news Well, call me lazy, but I've only read some of the thread. Joelle, I think you're making sense. Bebe, I know you know, but Joelle's not on your ass, okay? She's not really even talking to or about you. Your experiences are totally in the picture, they count, and they've got something to offer, but you need to lose the defensiveness. Joelle can get up your neck, but she's not malicious. She's sincere and she does make sense. Joelle, you're not the only one, I guarantee you. Quite a few of us have been through agonising depression and medication and grief and bereavement and pain with our kids. It's a bit minimising of that to have you say you're the only one, IMO. Still, you make a ton of sense, as you often do. Sly, here's the thing: You're gonna get tons of advice. You're gonna get even more judgement. Everyone figures they know, and some of them do, but none of them do. Bottom line: you've got to go with your gut. And even, subterranean, bottom line: you've got to stay with it, thick or thin, no matter what. Because the staying with it, however imperfectly, and however hard, is the thing. It's what matters in the end. Mine kicked in the door one time, after we agreed, in a rational moment, that when she lost the plot I should lock her into her bedroom. Another time, I nailed the window shut. Had to borrow a ladder to do it. Can't tell you how many times I had her in holds - to keep her from the razor blades, to keep her from the window - to keep her from who she thought she was. Ever heard the P!NK song, 'I'm a Hazard to Myself'? That was her theme song. Had her in holds on the floor long past where any professional (which I am) would've tried a one person hold. Called the cops one time when she lasted longer than I did. Sat on the floor of her friend's house and refused to leave for five hours one time, when she ran and I wouldn't give up. Spent countless hours in hospital...spent one nasty night in the ICU waiting to see if the intentional overdose would be a win or lose. Left home to get her care. Yada, yada, yada..... She's good now. Not totally healed, but good. Aware. Clear on whose life it is, and who's in charge of it. Clear on who will make it or break it. And when she decides to talk about it, which isn't often, there's this one refrain.... 'You stayed with me. You stuck it out.' I've said, "You'll never get rid of me. You think that stunt will run me off? Dream on. I'm a limpet. You're never gonna run me off. I'm your mother and you can't run off your mother. We're like crazy glue. We're like a bad penny. No matter what you do, I'm gonna be around. So quit trying." And she heard me..through all of it, she heard me. She knew I was there. If I could give you anything, it would be heart and strength and courage and everything else you need, just to hang on to the precipice when it feels like you're going over, because that's what they need, and that's ultimately what we can give. And eventually, they know what you did. They really do. They know you hung in there, they know you gave a crap, they know you were alive with them, and that's what they needed, to find their own lives. It's excruciatingly, agonizingly, desperately hard. But it's worth it, it's possible, and it's what you can do. So hang in there. Platitude number six is available to your right. (platitude #6 says: take care of yourself, find time for yourself, don't beat yourself up, yada yada yada, like you have control, right?) But hard as it is, know it's worth it, and know you can. Joelle has. I have. Bebe has. Others have. You can. Be well. Cele Excellent. I need to say this just this one time, as I don't think I have ever commented on your family situation before. I know it must be hard for you to time and time again to type that story. It must be like reliving it. But you do it, to help others. I commend you. I commend all the women who have survived dramatic situations, you continue to do the best jobs raising kids that may not been so blessed with another mother. I see mother's doing great things here. If I were so inclined, I would write a book. It is awesome to hear about single mothers doing great things. I also commend the wonderful single fathers in the group who also have dealt with much drama. It keeps me grounded to know there are these great single fathers like Paul, Paul and Dennis. (There are more here, I just don't recall names.) OK...... I am going to stop drinking now. T |
#7
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OK...... I am going to stop drinking now.
Don't stop now, youre on a roll...;-) The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#8
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"Joelle" wrote in message ... OK...... I am going to stop drinking now. Don't stop now, youre on a roll...;-) The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle Ooo I'm off to drink tonight. My neighbour is taking my kids over-night. How I was ever blessed with that I don't know but yay I get to be amoung adults and loud country music. Wait, it sounds more like a punishment when I frame it like that. Christine (btw I'm not the biggest fan of country but my gf wants me to meet her new man so I shall accommodate) |
#9
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"Tiffany" wrote in message
... snip Excellent. I need to say this just this one time, as I don't think I have ever commented on your family situation before. I know it must be hard for you to time and time again to type that story. It must be like reliving it. But you do it, to help others. I commend you. Do you honestly think she gives herself the option not to? Please not that my opinion on this issue may be slightly biased. :-)) I commend all the women who have survived dramatic situations, you continue to do the best jobs raising kids that may not been so blessed with another mother. I see mother's doing great things here. If I were so inclined, I would write a book. It is awesome to hear about single mothers doing great things. Amen to that. I also commend the wonderful single fathers in the group who also have dealt with much drama. It keeps me grounded to know there are these great single fathers like Paul, Paul and Dennis. (There are more here, I just don't recall names.) Amen to that too. OK...... I am going to stop drinking now. Hell no, don't stop on my account. I've just finished a bottle of white wine all by myself and I'm also in serious need of a hug so a virtual group one would suit me just fine. -- Paul Griffiths |
#10
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"CME" wrote in message
newstK2d.67614$XP3.1266@edtnps84... snip Ooo I'm off to drink tonight. My neighbour is taking my kids over-night. How I was ever blessed with that I don't know but yay I get to be amoung adults and loud country music. Wait, it sounds more like a punishment when I frame it like that. Then don't frame it like that. Easy! Next problem? :-D (btw I'm not the biggest fan of country but my gf wants me to meet her new man so I shall accommodate) And that's a neat statement of one of the reasons why I like you. -- Paul Griffiths |
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