Leaving my DS: Need reassurance

G'day

I know I don't post much these days, but now I really need you guys for
reassurance, encouragement, I don't know what. Sorry, this could get
long and will probably be incoherent. I'm pretty tired.

Last week my mum was in a car accident home in Australia. She's ok but
will be in hospital for at least another week and will not be able to
bear weight on one leg for 6 - 12 weeks. She is going to be a terrible
patient. She has a full time job that she always throws herself into
24/7. She is full time caregiver for her 96 yr old mother. She doesn't
like sitting still for an instant, let alone months.

I have to decide whether or not to go home. If I'm going, then the best
time for my work to cope with my absence is over the next two weeks.
After spring break my classes get much more intensive. If she was dying
there would be no question that I would go. If she were already at home
and convalescing, then I probably wouldn't go now, but wait till July
when I already had planned our annual month-long visit to Australia.
She's in that grey area where I'm not sure whether or not I should go.

My inclination (until recently) has been to go. Since moving to the US,
I have been dreading a phone call about my grandmother, or even my
father dying, but this was a wakeup call. I could have lost my mum. I
wasn't prepared for that possibility. So part of me wants to go home
just to see her and hug her. But also part of me feels like my other
sisters (one of whom lives in the same city as my mum) would benefit
from my support and I could help set up things at home so that mum can
convalesce, get around the house, arrange for things for our
grandmother, etc. These could all be done without me. But I feel I
should help if possible.

DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he and
a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight, told
me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be easier,
I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum blah
blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done, I
have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been away
from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on my
own, so I know I can do that.

My head tells me that what they are saying is right (that DS would slow
everything down, make me less useful, etc), but my heart says no way
would I go without him. I arranged for the sister who has kids to meet
us and then we would take turns, one with the kids, while the other
worked on stuff for mum. BUT that sister just found out she can't come.

So now I have two options: (1) Not go home and wonder whether I am being
selfish not wanting to be away from my child and help my mother, or
realize I am being sensible and that mum and my sisters can cope without
me more than my son can or (2) Go home to Australia and be away from DS
for a week. I couldn't do it more than a week that's for sure.

I am sure that DH could cope being a single dad for a week. It would be
hard and he would learn a lot, and I have friends and his daycare who
have all volunteered to be contactable if he has questions/problems. I'm
not sure how either DS or I will cope emotionally with it. And I guess
the real question for y'all is - is it possible that our BF
relationship could survive this? I'm thinking I should start pumping now
and try to get a stash so he can at least have some mummy milk each
night. I haven't pumped for 7 months, but I figure it's worth a try. I
have the lipase problem, but can usually freeze my milk for a couple of
weeks. I can take my pump to pump and dump to try not to lose my supply
while away. I know I've been talking about trying to slowly cut down
DS's feeding sessions (usually 5-8/day on a work/daycare day). I still
don't have AF and want to ttc, so I wanted to cut down. But not like
this. I am just so afraid of cold-turkey stopping. I think that would be
hard mentally/psychologically/physically for both of us. Do you think we
could resume BF when I get back?

If I had gone with DS I would have gone for two weeks, but now if I go,
I think I would wait till the middle of next week when Mum is due out of
the hospital and give me some time to build up a little freezer stash as
well as get things organized here. Then if I'm gone for a week, I'll
have half a week left of spring break taht I can spend 24/7 with DS to
make up for the desertion of the week before.

If you made it this far then thanks. I'm not sure what I want from y'all
but anything helps!

DrRuth

I can't say much, but I can relate the story of a friend who just got back
from AUS, she went without her 14 month old ds who is feeding once a day,
first thing in the morning. She didn't pump, or leave milk for him and he
accepted her back no problems, so she's very happy. I suspect since the
number of feed are greater you would need to pump, but probably only about
3 times per day. Sounds like he's very attached so he would take the
breast back fine. The other helpful story I can relate is a couple of
months ago my friends mum died, she went to the US to be with her for the
last few days and stayed for 3 weeks, she took her 8 month baby with her,
but left her 29 month old behind, they spoke on the phone regularly and
the toddler dealt with it really well. Good Luck.

Ruth Shear writes:

: DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he and
: a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight, told
: me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be easier,
: I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum blah
: blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done, I
: have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
: months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been away
: from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on my
: own, so I know I can do that.

Gee. If we are voting, I vote for going and taking your son.

Good luck, whatever you decide,
Larry

"Ruth Shear" wrote in message
news
DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he and
a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight, told
me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be easier,
I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum blah
blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done, I
have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been away
from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on my
own, so I know I can do that.

My head tells me that what they are saying is right (that DS would slow
everything down, make me less useful, etc), but my heart says no way
would I go without him. I arranged for the sister who has kids to meet
us and then we would take turns, one with the kids, while the other
worked on stuff for mum. BUT that sister just found out she can't come.

If it were me, I'd leave DS with DH. DH is very good at caring for DS, so
he'd be fine. However, DS is weaned. If he were still BF'ing regularly and
looks like he needs it, I'd take him along. If he looked like he only
needed it when I was around, then I'd go without him.

In article , Larry McMahan
wrote:

Ruth Shear writes:

: DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he and
: a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight, told
: me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be easier,
: I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum blah
: blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done, I
: have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
: months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been away
: from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on my
: own, so I know I can do that.

Gee. If we are voting, I vote for going and taking your son.

I'm with Larry. Your first care-taking duty is to your DS. He's still
nursing quite a bit, and I'm sure it's no longer so much about the milk
as it is the assurance and closeness the nursing provides. Weaning him
abruptly like that doesn't seem like (my admittedly limited knowledge
of) you, Ruth.

--
Molly
http://www.sonic.net/~mollyf/

And I guess
the real question for y'all is - is it possible that our BF
relationship could survive this?

Given how much he's nursing now, I'd guess that it's clearly possible. Though
maybe not inevitable -- and stopping cold turkey for a week when he's used to
5-8 times a day does sound traumatic.

I think if I were you I would go and take DS. (And DH too, if at all possible!
Why not just go now instead of in July?) Assuming, of course, that your
mother and the sister who lives there want to see you and won't think your
presence is more of an added burden than a help. I mean, if the fact that you
have DS with you makes you less help than you'd otherwise be, you're still
helping. Only if it actually changes the dynamic so that they're helping you
rather than the other way around should you consider either leaving him or not
going.

Holly
Mom to Camden, 3yo
EDD #2 6/8/04

"Ruth Shear" wrote in message
news
G'day

I know I don't post much these days, but now I really need you guys for
reassurance, encouragement, I don't know what. Sorry, this could get
long and will probably be incoherent. I'm pretty tired.

Last week my mum was in a car accident home in Australia. She's ok but
will be in hospital for at least another week and will not be able to
bear weight on one leg for 6 - 12 weeks. She is going to be a terrible
patient.

snip

My head tells me that what they are saying is right (that DS would slow
everything down, make me less useful, etc), but my heart says no way
would I go without him. I arranged for the sister who has kids to meet
us and then we would take turns, one with the kids, while the other
worked on stuff for mum. BUT that sister just found out she can't come.

So now I have two options: (1) Not go home and wonder whether I am being
selfish not wanting to be away from my child and help my mother, or
realize I am being sensible and that mum and my sisters can cope without
me more than my son can or (2) Go home to Australia and be away from DS
for a week. I couldn't do it more than a week that's for sure.


Ruth I'm so sorry to hear your Mum had an accident.

I know this is not one of your suggested options, but maybe your Mum would
get some *emotional* benefit from seeing your DS.

I know what you are saying though - very hard to amuse a 27 mo whilst
looking after your Mum.
But, as you say, you also know that your Mum and sisters could cope without
you, but you want to be there. I would lean towards going and taking DS
with you ... I think that this would probably be less stressful (to my mind
at least) because you wouldn't have worries about your DS in your head all
the time, and you also get to see your Mum and help in whatever way you can.
I'm referencing this by thinking about my own Mum (who only lives 7 km away)
but I know she pines for DD if she doesn't get to see her for a few days.
She only gets to see her other grandchildren (my brother's 2 girls) about
once a year and I know that just talking to them on the phone boosts puts a
huge grin on her face.

I know you will make the right decision for you.
Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
EDD 19th August 2004

"Molly Fisher" wrote in message
...
In article , Larry McMahan
wrote:

Ruth Shear writes:

: DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he
and
: a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight,
told
: me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be
easier,
: I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum
blah
: blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done,
I
: have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
: months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been
away
: from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on
my
: own, so I know I can do that.

Gee. If we are voting, I vote for going and taking your son.

I'm with Larry. Your first care-taking duty is to your DS. He's still
nursing quite a bit, and I'm sure it's no longer so much about the milk
as it is the assurance and closeness the nursing provides. Weaning him
abruptly like that doesn't seem like (my admittedly limited knowledge
of) you, Ruth.

i have no idea what life is like with a 27mth old. but if i had to vote or
think what i would do in your situation, i would go with larry & molly & go
with your DS.
--
elizabeth (in australia)
DS - born 20-aug-02

Ruth Shear wrote:

And I guess the real question for y'all is - is
it possible that our BF relationship could survive this?

I think that your son would be fine if you left him with his dad. He might
be mad at you for a few hours after you get home but in the end, he'd be
just fine. If it was with a sitter I probably wouldn't say that.

You can take him and perhaps be less physical help to your mom but you'd
still be there in a supportive nature, which is also necessary at times like
these. Depending on how your son is going to react it might make everyone
more stressed as well. When making a similar decision I tried to look at
it from the childs POV. Would they rather be drug around with me or stay
home with dad and miss me? I think you should do whatever seems right in
*your* gut. Your mom will survive without you, your son will as well.

I don't know what I would do in such a situation but I know for sure I would
not worry one wit about a freezer stash. I would pump while I was gone
though if I was hoping he'd continue nursing.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Sorry to hear about your mom.

If it were me, I would take DS with me. Your sisters can do all the
physical, but your son will do magical stuff. Given her condition, it
may do your mom good to see her grandson (and her daughter).

Jeanne

Ruth Shear wrote:

G'day

I know I don't post much these days, but now I really need you guys for
reassurance, encouragement, I don't know what. Sorry, this could get
long and will probably be incoherent. I'm pretty tired.

Last week my mum was in a car accident home in Australia. She's ok but
will be in hospital for at least another week and will not be able to
bear weight on one leg for 6 - 12 weeks. She is going to be a terrible
patient. She has a full time job that she always throws herself into
24/7. She is full time caregiver for her 96 yr old mother. She doesn't
like sitting still for an instant, let alone months.

I have to decide whether or not to go home. If I'm going, then the best
time for my work to cope with my absence is over the next two weeks.
After spring break my classes get much more intensive. If she was dying
there would be no question that I would go. If she were already at home
and convalescing, then I probably wouldn't go now, but wait till July
when I already had planned our annual month-long visit to Australia.
She's in that grey area where I'm not sure whether or not I should go.

My inclination (until recently) has been to go. Since moving to the US,
I have been dreading a phone call about my grandmother, or even my
father dying, but this was a wakeup call. I could have lost my mum. I
wasn't prepared for that possibility. So part of me wants to go home
just to see her and hug her. But also part of me feels like my other
sisters (one of whom lives in the same city as my mum) would benefit
from my support and I could help set up things at home so that mum can
convalesce, get around the house, arrange for things for our
grandmother, etc. These could all be done without me. But I feel I
should help if possible.

DH is trying hard not to say things that will upset me, but both he and
a good friend who is outside the situation and can think straight, told
me that I should go without DS. The flight from the US would be easier,
I would be less tired, have more time to concentrate on helping mum blah
blah blah, but although my head told me this was what should be done, I
have been saying I wouldn't even consider leaving him behind. DS is 27
months old. He's still BF 6-8/day. The longest time I've ever been away
from him was 12 hours. I've made the flight to aus twice with him on my
own, so I know I can do that.

My head tells me that what they are saying is right (that DS would slow
everything down, make me less useful, etc), but my heart says no way
would I go without him. I arranged for the sister who has kids to meet
us and then we would take turns, one with the kids, while the other
worked on stuff for mum. BUT that sister just found out she can't come.

So now I have two options: (1) Not go home and wonder whether I am being
selfish not wanting to be away from my child and help my mother, or
realize I am being sensible and that mum and my sisters can cope without
me more than my son can or (2) Go home to Australia and be away from DS
for a week. I couldn't do it more than a week that's for sure.

I am sure that DH could cope being a single dad for a week. It would be
hard and he would learn a lot, and I have friends and his daycare who
have all volunteered to be contactable if he has questions/problems. I'm
not sure how either DS or I will cope emotionally with it. And I guess
the real question for y'all is - is it possible that our BF
relationship could survive this? I'm thinking I should start pumping now
and try to get a stash so he can at least have some mummy milk each
night. I haven't pumped for 7 months, but I figure it's worth a try. I
have the lipase problem, but can usually freeze my milk for a couple of
weeks. I can take my pump to pump and dump to try not to lose my supply
while away. I know I've been talking about trying to slowly cut down
DS's feeding sessions (usually 5-8/day on a work/daycare day). I still
don't have AF and want to ttc, so I wanted to cut down. But not like
this. I am just so afraid of cold-turkey stopping. I think that would be
hard mentally/psychologically/physically for both of us. Do you think we
could resume BF when I get back?

If I had gone with DS I would have gone for two weeks, but now if I go,
I think I would wait till the middle of next week when Mum is due out of
the hospital and give me some time to build up a little freezer stash as
well as get things organized here. Then if I'm gone for a week, I'll
have half a week left of spring break taht I can spend 24/7 with DS to
make up for the desertion of the week before.

If you made it this far then thanks. I'm not sure what I want from y'all
but anything helps!

DrRuth