Another wedding etiquette question - OT

All this etiquette stuff made me curious about something that happened
several years ago, and I've been wondering ever since.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding a few years ago, and the bride's
younger sister was the maid of honor. The maid of honor and their
mother threw her a surprise bridal shower.

I know that family isn't really supposed to throw a shower, but that's
not something that bothers me terribly.

I was invited. I was not asked if I wanted to host, nor was I asked if
I could contribute, nor was I asked about how the shower handled. I
got an invite only. The bride was a good friend, and so I wanted to
contribute.

So, I show up with a gift in hand, after driving over an hour to get
there (this is all done with my then-six-month-old in tow). It really
wasn't the sort of thing I would have done - it was held in a Perkins
cafeteria, out in the open (the private room was in use) etc.

After it was all over, the mother told me I owed her $106 as my part of
the festivities. I was ****ed. I was never consulted or ANYTHING if I
could afford it, nor did they ask me what I wanted to do. I could have
hosted a dynamite shower at my home, with fabulous food etc for half
the price of what I paid, and it would have been nicer and more
intimate than what we had. We couldn't really have set up as a
surprise, though.

I paid it, because the last thing I wanted was to sour Diane's wedding
(and they would have, I'm sure bitched about the situation with her,
and made everyone's life a hell).

So, I ended up being resentful - I paid nearly $200 for my dress and
shoes, I bought two gifts (one wedding, one shower) and paid another
$100 for a shower I had no say in.

Now, that said - when I agreed to be a bridesmaid, did I sign up to
host a shower? Is that an assumed duty? I guess I'm wondering if I'm
whingeing inappropriately.

Cathy Weeks

After it was all over, the mother told me I owed her $106 as my part of
the festivities. I was ****ed. I was never consulted or ANYTHING if I
could afford it, nor did they ask me what I wanted to do. I could have
hosted a dynamite shower at my home, with fabulous food etc for half
the price of what I paid, and it would have been nicer and more
intimate than what we had. We couldn't really have set up as a
surprise, though.


Something very similar happened to me. I had *asked* what could I do, how
could I help, do you want me to contribute. Nope maid of honor wanted to do
it herself. After it was over, she told me I owed her closer to $300. I told
her calmly and as politely as I could that had she responded that she wanted
my contribution that I would have loved to contribute, but would have the
opportunutiy to control expectations better since I simply could not afford
$300. The things she spent the money on were obscene!

I paid it, because the last thing I wanted was to sour Diane's wedding
(and they would have, I'm sure bitched about the situation with her,
and made everyone's life a hell).

So, I ended up being resentful - I paid nearly $200 for my dress and
shoes, I bought two gifts (one wedding, one shower) and paid another
$100 for a shower I had no say in.

Now, that said - when I agreed to be a bridesmaid, did I sign up to
host a shower? Is that an assumed duty? I guess I'm wondering if I'm
whingeing inappropriately.

I think you signed up to help host a shower with the other bridesmaids. I
don't think you signed up to write a check for a shower you had no
participation for an amount you had no say in.


Cathy Weeks

"Cathy Weeks" wrote in message
ups.com...
All this etiquette stuff made me curious about something that happened
several years ago, and I've been wondering ever since.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding a few years ago, and the bride's
younger sister was the maid of honor. The maid of honor and their
mother threw her a surprise bridal shower.

I know that family isn't really supposed to throw a shower, but that's
not something that bothers me terribly.

I was invited. I was not asked if I wanted to host, nor was I asked if
I could contribute, nor was I asked about how the shower handled. I
got an invite only. The bride was a good friend, and so I wanted to
contribute.

So, I show up with a gift in hand, after driving over an hour to get
there (this is all done with my then-six-month-old in tow). It really
wasn't the sort of thing I would have done - it was held in a Perkins
cafeteria, out in the open (the private room was in use) etc.

3.......
After it was all over, the mother told me I owed her $106 as my part of
the festivities. I was ****ed. I was never consulted or ANYTHING if I
could afford it, nor did they ask me what I wanted to do. I could have
hosted a dynamite shower at my home, with fabulous food etc for half
the price of what I paid, and it would have been nicer and more
intimate than what we had. We couldn't really have set up as a
surprise, though.

I paid it, because the last thing I wanted was to sour Diane's wedding
(and they would have, I'm sure bitched about the situation with her,
and made everyone's life a hell).

So, I ended up being resentful - I paid nearly $200 for my dress and
shoes, I bought two gifts (one wedding, one shower) and paid another
$100 for a shower I had no say in.

Now, that said - when I agreed to be a bridesmaid, did I sign up to
host a shower? Is that an assumed duty? I guess I'm wondering if I'm
whingeing inappropriately.
Now I'm in the UK and bridal showers are relatively rare. You just get a
wedding list for the wedding. But on my knowledge of wedding ettiquette,
you shouldn't actually have had to pay for the dress and shoes, that should
be the bride's father who pays for those, I think!
Now, I think if the b/m is asked to pay for the dress etc. then they should
be told from the start that they will be asked to pay, but particularly that
they should have a say on the dresses, so they can have something that they
might wear again.
My response to the mother would have been along the lines of. "I'm sorry, I
don't have that amount of money with me. If you'd consulted me then I might
have been able to bring a cheque book/enough money. I will have to consult
dh before I pay out that amount of money as it is a lot of money for us. If
you'd asked me beforehand then I would have offered to have it at my house,
and I'm sure we could have had a lovely shower there."
If I'd been feeling particularly pointed I might have added something about
giving me a month to save up, or that the plumber/electrician/phone bill
would have to wait another month. Because I think it's rude to assume other
people have that sort of money hanging around that they can access at a
moment's notice.
Are you sure you didn't pay for it all ;-P
Debbie

Cathy Weeks wrote:


Now, that said - when I agreed to be a bridesmaid, did I sign up to
host a shower?

No.

Is that an assumed duty?

No. It is common for bridesmaids to get together and
host a shower, but it is by no means mandatory and no one gets
to even tell you that you need to throw a shower. If you *elect*
to be part of hosting a shower, you get to be involved with the
planning. In no way is it appropriate for them to just send
you a bill.

I guess I'm wondering if I'm whingeing inappropriately.

Nope, your feelings are very appropriate ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Welches wrote:

Now I'm in the UK and bridal showers are relatively rare. You just get a
wedding list for the wedding. But on my knowledge of wedding ettiquette,
you shouldn't actually have had to pay for the dress and shoes, that should
be the bride's father who pays for those, I think!

I don't know UK etiquette, but according to US etiquette,
the bridesmaids pay for their own attire and transportation. The
bride (or family) is responsible for putting up the attendants if
they're not local (hotel, room at Aunt Betty's, whatever).

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Cathy Weeks" ) writes:
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding a few years ago, and the bride's
younger sister was the maid of honor. The maid of honor and their
mother threw her a surprise bridal shower.

Well, apparently expectations vary. I think a person should
never be asked to pay an amount of money they had no say in.

I think it was Dear Abby who suggested that when you're asked
to be a bridesmaid, if you're not loaded with money, then you can
ask at that time what the responsibilities are. You can then
regretfully decline to be a bridesmaid for financial reasons.

I think if someone accepts being a bridesmaid, all they should
be expected to do is particpate in the ceremony in certain ways.
Any expenditures of money are additional requests which can
be turned down, or should be explained as part of the responsibilities
when the person is asked to be a bridesmaid in the first
place.

In other words, I think if someone just asks someone
simply "will you be my bridesmaid," then they have to put
up with a bridesmaid who may not want to spend any money,
may want to wear her own dress that she's comfortable in, may not
want to attend additional events, etc. If they have specific
expectations they should make that clear before the
invitation to be a bridesmaid is accepted. That's my
opinion.

You paid in order to keep the peace, but you ended up feeling
resentful. Maybe you can forget about it and just let it
slide into the past, but maybe doing something you felt resentful
about did more damage to the relationships than some alternative.
Maybe no one will ever know whether things would have worked
out better or worse if you'd made a different choice.
--
Cathy Woodgold
http://www.ncf.ca/~an588/par_home.html
There are two types of people in the world: those
who divide the world into two types of people, and

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...
In other words, I think if someone just asks someone
simply "will you be my bridesmaid," then they have to put
up with a bridesmaid who may not want to spend any money,
may want to wear her own dress that she's comfortable in, may not
want to attend additional events, etc. If they have specific
expectations they should make that clear before the
invitation to be a bridesmaid is accepted. That's my
opinion.

I was with you all the way up to the "want to wear her own
dress that she's comfortable in" part. Matching (or
coordinated) bridesmaids dresses have become so
completely pervasive, that I don't think it's something
the bride need state explicitly. Not that it would
hurt, but it would be rather disingenuous for someone
to say months down the road, "Oh, I didn't know
you'd expect me to buy a dress." I do think the
bride has a responsibility to try to ensure the dress
chosen flatters her bridesmaids and fits within
their budgets. But if a bridesmaid is tight on
money and unable to bear the expense of a dress,
I think it's more incumbent on her to say so.

Bizby

Catherine Woodgold wrote:

"Cathy Weeks" ) writes:

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding a few years ago, and the bride's
younger sister was the maid of honor. The maid of honor and their
mother threw her a surprise bridal shower.


Well, apparently expectations vary. I think a person should
never be asked to pay an amount of money they had no say in.

I think it was Dear Abby who suggested that when you're asked
to be a bridesmaid, if you're not loaded with money, then you can
ask at that time what the responsibilities are. You can then
regretfully decline to be a bridesmaid for financial reasons.

I think if someone accepts being a bridesmaid, all they should
be expected to do is particpate in the ceremony in certain ways.
Any expenditures of money are additional requests which can
be turned down, or should be explained as part of the responsibilities
when the person is asked to be a bridesmaid in the first
place.

And somehow there's no value to decades and decades
of clear expectations? Honestly, the responsibilities of
a bridesmaid (which do not include being held up to pay
for a shower one had no say in, or being forced to host
a shower if one doesn't want to) are clearly laid out in
every book on the subject there is and the vast majority
of folk are quite clear on them. Anyone who has the
slightest interest in knowing what they are can find them
out quickly and easily. Because a couple folk in this
world don't know what they are, everyone should have to
spell out in detail every little thing?
The duties of a bridesmaid (in the US) include
certain financial expectations, including paying for one's
own attire and accessories and one's transportation to
the wedding, along with a gift for the bride. It is
common for bridesmaids to get together and host a shower,
but not mandatory, and never is it appropriate to bill
someone for a party they had no say in planning. Any
bridesmaid who doesn't have a clue can always ask, but
I really don't see why there's some requirement that we
reinvent the wheel here.

In other words, I think if someone just asks someone
simply "will you be my bridesmaid," then they have to put
up with a bridesmaid who may not want to spend any money,
may want to wear her own dress that she's comfortable in, may not
want to attend additional events, etc. If they have specific
expectations they should make that clear before the
invitation to be a bridesmaid is accepted. That's my
opinion.

I disagree. If you accept the job, then you
ought to do so knowing the requirements. They're not
secret. That's why we *have* conventions about this.
What next? Does the bride have to negotiate whether
they'll attend the rehearsal? Be sufficiently supportive?
Spend X hours helping address invitations? Maybe the
bridesmaid thinks showing up on time for the wedding
is optional, or that she could maybe invite a few
guests of her own. Is the bride obligated to imagine
every possible thing that everyone else knows and
takes for granted that this bridesmaid might not?
Obviously, if there are unusual requirements,
they should be spelled out--e.g., destination wedding
(so travel will be quite expensive), costume drama
(so attire will be unexpectedly different), and so
forth. But the regular old run of the mill attendant
requirements are pretty darned basic.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article . com,
"Cathy Weeks" wrote:


Now, that said - when I agreed to be a bridesmaid, did I sign up to
host a shower? Is that an assumed duty? I guess I'm wondering if I'm
whingeing inappropriately.

While it is common for bridesmaids to host a shower, it isn't mandatory.

And it is NEVER appropriate for someone else to plan a party, with no
input from you, and then present you with a bill!

I'm glad you paid it in the name of harmony -- but appalled that it was
handled the way it was.

It is frustrating how many folks in this country seem to think they're
entitled to throw what ever kind of party they want, and then bill
someone else for it!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Catherine Woodgold wrote:

You paid in order to keep the peace, but you ended up feeling
resentful. Maybe you can forget about it and just let it
slide into the past, but maybe doing something you felt resentful
about did more damage to the relationships than some alternative.
Maybe no one will ever know whether things would have worked
out better or worse if you'd made a different choice.

I'm no longer resentful, really (though I was at the time!). It's been
3 years, and quite honestly, I can't even remember the maid of honor
and mother of the bride's names with any real certainty.

Cathy Weeks