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A case of the I don't knows



 
 
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  #1  
Old May 12th 05, 07:00 PM
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Default A case of the I don't knows

All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know. We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a story
walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at the
pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know". Then we
threatened to stop the story time and get on to bedtime. After that he
was literally catching himself when the phrase was halfway out of his
mouth. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of this as a habit
rather then something else. (I don't know what exactly, but annoying
comes to mind)

Any good ideas on how I can get him to be self aware enough that we can
stop this habit?

thanks!
Allie

  #2  
Old May 13th 05, 02:17 AM
Catherine Woodgold
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Maybe he needs time to think before giving the answer.

I think it might help if you give a ritual response
to his "I don't know", the same response every time.
That will make it boring, discouraging him from saying
that (as opposed to trying out a whole lot of different
responses, which he might find interesting and would
positively reinforce the "I don't know" response.)

Suggestions for possible responses you can give to his
"I don't know":

-- Silence. Just wait patiently for him to think of
the real answer and give it. If he asks you to continue
reading or something you can say "I'm waiting for you
to answer:" and then repeat the question in abbreviated
form.

-- "Hmm." This models an alternative response he
can give when he needs time to think.

-- "You need time to think." (then silence.) Again, modelling:
he might possibly switch to saying "I need time to think" instead
of "I don't know."

-- "I know you know." This is more of a joke, but might
help.

-- Just repeat the original question, in abbreviated form,
i.e. using pronouns.

Even though I've listed a number of possibilities here,
note that I'm suggesting you choose one and use the
same one every time.

Each of the above suggestions involves expecting him to give
a real answer to the question. Of course,
sometimes he really won't know, so he'll have to say "I really
don't know!" I just hope he won't develop the habit
of saying "I really don't know!" to all your questions!!

Oh -- you could also try asking him fewer questions.
Maybe he's telling you indirectly that he doesn't want
to answer all these questions. You could also introduce
your questions, so that he'll be ready for them:
"I'm going to ask you a question, OK?"
Or introduce the question more specifically: "I'm wondering
why there's a blue mark on your shirt. Maybe you were playing with
a blue marker. Were you playing with a blue marker?" This
would give him time to think about the subject of the specific
question for a few seconds before he's expected to answer.

Also, you could think of what you'd prefer he say instead,
perhaps "Hmm" or "I need time to think" or just holding
up one finger for a period of silence or something.
Then, whenever he asks you a question, you could do
that before answering, to show him how it's done.

I noticed that if someone asks me a question when I'm
about to blow my nose, I always say "I don't know".
In a sense I don't: my conscious mind doesn't know the
answer because I haven't gone to the trouble of
searching my memory for the answer. Even if it's
something I know well. It's a way of making the
questioner leave me alone. I wasn't doing that on
purpose -- it just came out that way. After I blow
my nose I usually remember to give a real answer.

--
Cathy Woodgold
A *much* better world is possible.
  #3  
Old May 13th 05, 03:55 AM
Tai
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wrote:
All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know. We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a
story walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at
the pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know".


In each of my children I would understand that to mean, "I'm not really
enjoying the high level of participation you are requiring from me, can you
just read the story, please", and turn the story time into a more passive
experience for him that time. "I don't know" often means "I don't wanna",
when a little child has had enough of an activity.

Then we
threatened to stop the story time and get on to bedtime. After that he
was literally catching himself when the phrase was halfway out of his
mouth. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of this as a habit
rather then something else. (I don't know what exactly, but annoying
comes to mind)

Any good ideas on how I can get him to be self aware enough that we
can stop this habit?


Well, I don't think anything is broken here, except that you might be
choosing the wrong time to do story walks with your son. How about doing
them earlier in the day when he's less likely to be tired? They are lots of
fun but they do require a bit of concentration. I did think it was a bit
mean of you to threaten to stop story time because your son wasn't doing his
'lesson' properly, though.

Tai


  #4  
Old May 13th 05, 05:11 AM
cyniclgrl
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wrote in message
oups.com...
All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know.


Why are you asking him questions about something that you "know he knows"?
He knows it, isn't that good enough? Are you asking him questions like "Are
you eating those cookies?" when you catch him with his hand in the jar and
crumbs on his face?

We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a story
walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at the
pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know". Then we
threatened to stop the story time and get on to bedtime.


:-(((((
That is going to take all the joy and fun away from reading. Just read the
story, and if he offers a comment, fine, if not, fine! It's supposed to be
fun and relaxing, not a quiz show every time. He might just want to look at
the pictures, listen to you, and absorb the story.
He is only three, he's a long way off from having to do book reports! I
googled "story walk" (never having heard that term), and that seems to be a
technique more suited to school-age children , in fact I witnessed our
principal doing this with first graders on RIF day. I didn't know what it
was called, I thought she was just being "teacherly".

After that he
was literally catching himself when the phrase was halfway out of his
mouth. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of this as a habit
rather then something else. (I don't know what exactly, but annoying
comes to mind)

Any good ideas on how I can get him to be self aware enough that we can
stop this habit?


Relax! Stop asking him so many questions. Read for fun. Let him talk first,
and respond to what he says . If he's gabbing about something and you get
excited and say "Oh! and then what?!?" , I bet he'll answer appropriately.


  #5  
Old May 13th 05, 02:09 PM
Welches
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Default


wrote in message
oups.com...
All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know. We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a story
walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at the
pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know". Then we
threatened to stop the story time and get on to bedtime. After that he
was literally catching himself when the phrase was halfway out of his
mouth. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of this as a habit
rather then something else. (I don't know what exactly, but annoying
comes to mind)

Any good ideas on how I can get him to be self aware enough that we can
stop this habit?

Sometimes for #1 you have to ask more detailed questions to get an answer.
If you ask "what did you do at preschool today?" she may well say "I don't
know". If you ask "who did you sit next to?" or "did you sing today?" or
that sort of question you'll get a detailed answer. (like "I sat next to
this person on the mat and this person when i painted and I did this with
someone else") She is also more likely to say "I don't know" if she's tired.
With the story walk I would think that either you need to give him questions
with a one word answer (like "what colour is the skirt") and if he says "I
don't know" point to it and tell him to look and tell you. Or do it when he
is not tired (if that's an issue).
Keep the questions simple, don't push it if he may not know/can't remember
and certainly don't get cross/frustrated if he's wrong.
At bedtime, I think that reading a story would be better than a lot of
questions for him to do, even if he seems to enjoy it. Save the story walk
for earlier in the day.
I use the ridiculous answer as a way of getting #1 to think too. I don't
think it's a bad method.
Debbie


  #6  
Old May 13th 05, 02:15 PM
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I guess I wasn't clear in that he asked to "read" to us, and it turned
into more of a "what is happening on this page?" type of exercise,
since I was trained as a teacher, that was the easiest way for me to
explain it. We had already read his books to him for the night and this
was something extra he wanted to do. At any rate, this was just when I
noticed how habitual it was for him, because he was literally stopping
himself in mid sentance as he tried to avoid it. But he does it all the
time. he goes to daycare so at the end of the day there is a certain
amount of, Did you have fun today, what did you play with, who did you
play with etc. It isn't like rapid fire questioning, just as we are
getting ready for dinner or even during dinner. About the only thing he
doesn't say I don't know to is "What would you like to eat? And he does
typically get 2 choices to chose from.

Maybe we do ask him a lot of questions, but that is how i find out what
he wants to do or how he is today. he can have rather engaging and
facinating stories to tell once he gets going....

thanks all,
Allie

  #7  
Old May 13th 05, 02:42 PM
Sue
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Okay those are open-ended questions that is very typical for the age of your
son to not answer. Find out from the daycare provider what he did do, ate
and played wtih then ask questions like did you enjoy the cheese and
crackers you had for snack or what was your favorite part of the book you
read. If you just ask what did you do all day, very typical answer is I
don't know. You will have to do more specific questioning about his day.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

wrote in message
ups.com...
I guess I wasn't clear in that he asked to "read" to us, and it turned
into more of a "what is happening on this page?" type of exercise,
since I was trained as a teacher, that was the easiest way for me to
explain it. We had already read his books to him for the night and this
was something extra he wanted to do. At any rate, this was just when I
noticed how habitual it was for him, because he was literally stopping
himself in mid sentance as he tried to avoid it. But he does it all the
time. he goes to daycare so at the end of the day there is a certain
amount of, Did you have fun today, what did you play with, who did you
play with etc. It isn't like rapid fire questioning, just as we are
getting ready for dinner or even during dinner. About the only thing he
doesn't say I don't know to is "What would you like to eat? And he does
typically get 2 choices to chose from.

Maybe we do ask him a lot of questions, but that is how i find out what
he wants to do or how he is today. he can have rather engaging and
facinating stories to tell once he gets going....

thanks all,
Allie



  #8  
Old May 13th 05, 05:25 PM
Stephanie
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Default


"Tai" wrote in message
...
wrote:
All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know. We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a
story walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at
the pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know".


In each of my children I would understand that to mean, "I'm not really
enjoying the high level of participation you are requiring from me, can
you just read the story, please", and turn the story time into a more
passive experience for him that time. "I don't know" often means "I don't
wanna", when a little child has had enough of an activity.



This is the same for my son.

Then we
threatened to stop the story time and get on to bedtime. After that he
was literally catching himself when the phrase was halfway out of his
mouth. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of this as a habit
rather then something else. (I don't know what exactly, but annoying
comes to mind)

Any good ideas on how I can get him to be self aware enough that we
can stop this habit?


Well, I don't think anything is broken here, except that you might be
choosing the wrong time to do story walks with your son. How about doing
them earlier in the day when he's less likely to be tired? They are lots
of fun but they do require a bit of concentration. I did think it was a
bit mean of you to threaten to stop story time because your son wasn't
doing his 'lesson' properly, though.

Tai



  #10  
Old May 13th 05, 06:09 PM
Stephanie
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Default


"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Stephanie says...


"Tai" wrote in message
...
wrote:
All,

I have a 3 year old son. He is great, loves to talk about his day,
"read" books, do puzzles, run around etc. We have found that his first
response to any question is "I don't know." Even though he very well
does know. We have tried to joke him out of this habit by saying
something totally ridiculous as the answer and he always corrects us
with the correct information right away. Last night I was doing a
story walk with him. (having him telling us the story by looking at
the pictures and memory from when we read it to him). Every prompting
question I asked him was answered with "I don't know".

In each of my children I would understand that to mean, "I'm not really
enjoying the high level of participation you are requiring from me, can
you just read the story, please", and turn the story time into a more
passive experience for him that time. "I don't know" often means "I
don't
wanna", when a little child has had enough of an activity.



This is the same for my son.


Mine, too. I think even adults to do this from time to time.

Mine also hated to be put on the spot by a question. It's a request for a
little perfomance, really, and I think kids can be sensitive to it.


My MIL does this all the time. Makes me nuts.

About the how your day went... I used to ask my son how was his day blah,
blah and he always said I don't know. I asked him one day if he did not
know, or does he just not want to talk about it. He said he did not want to
talk about it. I said Ok. He was releived. It was apparently a medium sized
deal for him, and I did not even realize. Now he will ask me what *I* did,
and I tell him. I will just say How about you? And he will ramble a bit. I
usually can only understand about 1/4 of what he says as it relates to
specific activities. But it is also fun to hear his thoughts, as seemingly
disconnected as they are, about the events of the day. Now, if I ask him
something and he does not want to talk about it, he says "Mom, I dont'
really want to talk about it, Ok?" So far I have never had to ask him to
talk about it anyway, like for something really important.


 




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