Needing help

I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
something wrong---

Rachel

In ,
Rachel Richard typed:
I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said,
I'm new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have
done something wrong---

Rachel

What kind of things is he doing that you are calling 'hyper'? Many active
children are bored with their environment, and act up in the only why they
know how, with activity. My son was called hyper on numerous occasions, yet
was truly looking for an outlet for his energy. Have you tried some family
counseling? It sometimes helps the child to have someone other than family
to talk to. Why doesn't your son see his father? I don't know all your
circumstances, so I can't offer a whole lot of advice. Kids at your son's
age, are active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal
behavior, but it should not be tolerated. Simply set firm boundaries, but
pick your battles. If you are too firm on every little thing (like the
color of his socks, or how he plays with certain toys) he will become upset,
and not knowing how to tell you he will act up. I speak from experience on
that score. Also, teaching your son to express himself works well, this is
an age where children can now reveal more feelings, than just mad, sad,
happy. They learn frustration, what the word means, how it feels to be
frustrated. I hope I was able to be of some help, not knowing more about
your situation. Just hang in there, and try to stay steady with your rules.
Kids always test their boundaries, at least once.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him

I'm not clear exactly what the problem is. From the way you said it, it sounds
pretty normal. What do you mean by hyper? It's pretty normal for 5 year old
boys to be hyper. Is he demanding a lot of your attention? That could be
normal, or he's extra clingy because he's lost his father and doesn't want to
lose you, or do you work a lot and he doesn't see much of you? Set aside the
time that you need for you, but do make sure you spend time on the floor or
outside playing with him. If you can be a bit more specific as to the problem,
maybe we can be of more help.

Joelle
If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you are doing tomorrow
Father Mike

Rachel Richard wrote in message
...
I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
something wrong---

Rachel


You have done nothing wrong.

If he is seeming to be hyper I would try to get him involved in some
activity that can help him burn up some of that energy. I know he is young
yet but there is karate, little league t-ball, stuff that like that. Watch
his diet also. Sugars, definately a no-no.
As for asking for his dad, just try to be patient and tell him that Dad
can't come around right now but maybe someday. Do'nt say mean things about
the missing dad, who may one day come around again.

Tiffany

Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that
he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father
left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He
nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to
come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and
far between people he will let get close to me without being right
there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond
to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can
see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get
to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there.
His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was
too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to
spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from
anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to
work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are
days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try
to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice
that you gave in the last message.

Rachel

In ,
Rachel Richard typed:
Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think
that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his
father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very
unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other
person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us.
There are few and far between people he will let get close to me
without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that
he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many
choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to
fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are
many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around
about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to
worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with
him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what
I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and
pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing
this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him
but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in
the last message.

Rachel

The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat that,
is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my
son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say, "You
know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is
nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his parental
rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal
with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some
monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son
knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and
mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It wasn't
made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the
grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used
to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him
to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has
done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger will
only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can
about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you right
now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue
child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS of
time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner together,
at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime, TV
time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly
playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee,
help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go for
a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time with
you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness, and
they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend testing
for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this
kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's
normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV
program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in
conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with no
brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs.
If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on
furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again; your
son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best.
I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after their
sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD,
not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during
conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also a
key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to do,
he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I
know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and
helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as well.
After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program, read
a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As for
the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a
load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more along
the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor
who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient
isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to
find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I
have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good
benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went mainly
in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big
adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was
fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going
through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth the
hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him you
love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough
rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I?

Good thoughts coming your way,
Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

"Rachel Richard" wrote in message
...
Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that
he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father
left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He
nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to
come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and
far between people he will let get close to me without being right
there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond
to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can
see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get
to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there.
His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was
too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to
spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from
anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to
work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are
days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try
to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice
that you gave in the last message.

Rachel


I definitely think what you are feeling is normal, but don't let it
overwhelm you. He really needs you, and it sounds like he's afraid he's
going to lose you (a justifiable feeling for him, considering.) Counselling
sounds like a good plan, and as far as him not 'responding' to them, how
many sessions are we talking about? It took my boys a number of years to
get over what happened to them, and I still see residual effects but on the
whole we're doing great, so things will get better for you guys.

Christine

wrote in message
news
In ,
Rachel Richard typed:
Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think
that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his
father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very
unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other
person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us.
There are few and far between people he will let get close to me
without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that
he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many
choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to
fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are
many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around
about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to
worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with
him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what
I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and
pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing
this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him
but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in
the last message.

Rachel

The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat
that,
is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my
son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say,
"You
know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is
nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his
parental
rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal
with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some
monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son
knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and
mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It
wasn't
made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the
grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used
to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him
to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has
done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger
will
only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can
about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you
right
now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue
child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS
of
time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner
together,
at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime,
TV
time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly
playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee,
help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go
for
a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time
with
you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness,
and
they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend
testing
for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this
kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's
normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV
program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in
conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with
no
brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs.
If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on
furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again;
your
son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best.
I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after
their
sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD,
not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during
conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also
a
key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to
do,
he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I
know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and
helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as
well.
After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program,
read
a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As
for
the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a
load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more
along
the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor
who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient
isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to
find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I
have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good
benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went
mainly
in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big
adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was
fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going
through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth
the
hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him
you
love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough
rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I?

Good thoughts coming your way,
Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.



Not long winded, you offered some excellent advice and it's helpful to hear
it from people who've been there.

Christine

Betsy,
You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in
on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can
that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my
sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex
left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on
me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be
strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all.
There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because
I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have
never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again
thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again.

Rachel

I cannot relate at all to the divorce part, so I won't even pretend, but I
can relate 100% to the part about being a single parent. I don't think it
sounds crazy at all to wonder what you would do without your child. I know
for a fact that I could NOT live without my son. I've often heard or read
in the news about, for whatever the reasons may be, parents losing their
children. I honestly do not think I could survive if my son was gone. In
all honesty, I do not believe I would have anything to live for, other than
my son. I do not think you are, or even sound, crazy for not knowing what
you would do without your own son - be it after a divorce or any other
reason.
I always say, "I love you!" and I when it's bed time, I say it again, then
every time I check the bedroom through the evening and before I go to bed.
Every time we get into the car and do up the car seat, I lean over, give a
kiss and say 'I love you' again. When we drive somewhere, I often flip the
mirror down to the night vision, which is exactly the position to see the
middle seat in the back of the car, and I smile and say 'I love you.' Maybe
this is crazy, but it's the truth and I don't ever forget it. You never
know what can happen in 10 minutes, 5 minutes or 5 seconds.



"Rachel Richard" wrote in message ...
Betsy,
You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in
on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can
that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my
sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex
left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on
me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be
strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all.
There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because
I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have
never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again
thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again.

Rachel