Supporting wife whose mother is dying

"Benjamin Dover" wrote in message
...
My MIL has a terminal case of recurrent metastatic cancer.

My wife is very close to her and is, naturally, distraught and upset.
I want to be supportive to the max possible extent, but I do not know
what to say! I can't honestly try to say that it might get better, and
there does not seem to be any real consolation. So, what should I do
or say to show her my support? So far I just hug her etc, show her my
love and attention and sympathy and try to do more housework type stuff.

Second question is, that MIL has certain negative sides such as she
always badmouths me (and most other people) in my absence (I have
very solid, undeniable evidence of that), and second, she is a blamer
type of person who tends to blame everyone else for her problems.
Unfortunately, my wife inherited the same trait wrt blaming. So, there
is a fine line between being emotionally supportive, and not doing
anything that would be later interpreted as having contributed to her
death (such as giving wrong suggestions etc).

Since death from cancer is such a hard experience, I expect a good
amount of bull**** and blaming. And yet, I want my wife to survive
this experience to the best possible extent.

Second question is the kid. He is almost 3 years old and loves his
grandma. How should we handle telling him about the reality, and when
should we say anything.

The MIL lives separately at the moment.

Any thoughts on this.

Benjamin

Hello Benjamin,

Sorry to hear about your MIL, it is pretty tough on all concerned when
someone close has cancer.

Everyone reacts in such different ways and there is no right way or wrong
way, you just have to do whatever feels natural. My husband passed away
last August and I found that out and out honesty was the best policy for
myself and my two daughters. It might be an idea to sit down with your wife
and ask her what can you do to support her, hugging is excellent! and loads
of love and attention are wonderful too.

Along with a cancer diagnosis comes all sorts of feelings and emotions, from
shock, despair, anger, frustration - you name it, it gets experienced.
People might lash out and say strong words at you, but more than likely the
underlying factor will be directed at the cancer itself.

It's a rollercoaster ride Ben but by coming here you have made a good start.

Hugs to you now.

Alayne

Benjamin Dover wrote:

My MIL has a terminal case of recurrent metastatic cancer.

My wife is very close to her and is, naturally, distraught and upset.
I want to be supportive to the max possible extent, but I do not know
what to say! I can't honestly try to say that it might get better, and
there does not seem to be any real consolation. So, what should I do
or say to show her my support? So far I just hug her etc, show her my
love and attention and sympathy and try to do more housework type stuff.


- Yes, pull more than your fair share of household duties--as
much as you can handle. Getting outside help might be good.
- Be tolerant and patient.
- Make sure she gets some time to herself on occasion.
- Get hospice involved and take advantage of any of their
services you all might need (including counseling, if
necessary).

You can't make this easy on her, and she's going to have
to cope in her own way, but you can give her space to do
what she needs to do and you can try to free up some of
her time and energy.


Second question is the kid. He is almost 3 years old and loves his
grandma. How should we handle telling him about the reality, and when
should we say anything.


- Respond to his questions honestly, but at a level he can
understand.
- Don't try to tell him everything is okay.
- It's okay to be sad in front of him.
- Don't give him *too* much advance notice of things, but
at some point, when it looks close to the end, you can
tell him that Grandma's body is wearing out and that she
probably won't live much longer. Avoid using euphamisms
that can cause trouble (e.g., don't say she'll go to
sleep because he might learn to fear sleep; don't just
say she's sick because he'll wonder if *you're* going to
die next time you catch a cold).
- Don't keep him away from Grandma.
- Follow his lead.

Good luck, and my sympathies,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Benjamin Dover wrote:

My MIL has a terminal case of recurrent metastatic cancer.


- Don't keep him away from Grandma.

I have something to add here. If she's on chemo and her blood counts get low,
she may have to keep the child away (they're little "bug factories") and/or if
her symptoms aren't properly palliated, we don't want the child traumatized,
but you've already mentioned palliative care.
J

Benjamin Dover wrote:

My MIL has a terminal case of recurrent metastatic cancer.

My wife is very close to her and is, naturally, distraught and upset.
I want to be supportive to the max possible extent, but I do not know
what to say! I can't honestly try to say that it might get better, and
there does not seem to be any real consolation. So, what should I do
or say to show her my support? So far I just hug her etc, show her my
love and attention and sympathy and try to do more housework type stuff.

Second question is, that MIL has certain negative sides such as she
always badmouths me (and most other people) in my absence (I have
very solid, undeniable evidence of that), and second, she is a blamer
type of person who tends to blame everyone else for her problems.
Unfortunately, my wife inherited the same trait wrt blaming. So, there
is a fine line between being emotionally supportive, and not doing
anything that would be later interpreted as having contributed to her
death (such as giving wrong suggestions etc).

Since death from cancer is such a hard experience, I expect a good
amount of bull**** and blaming. And yet, I want my wife to survive
this experience to the best possible extent.

Second question is the kid. He is almost 3 years old and loves his
grandma. How should we handle telling him about the reality, and when
should we say anything.

The MIL lives separately at the moment.

Any thoughts on this.

Benjamin

Hello Benjamin and welcome to alt.support.cancer
I'm sorry about the circumstance that has brought you here.

You've received two good replies. Your situation sounds familiar to another
poster here.
What type of cancer does she have?
One of the reasons I ask, is that it can sometimes give us a timeline and
some expectations of perhaps problems which might occur, that you might be
posting about. For instance, pancreatic cancer can be very swift, whereas
metastacized breast cancer can be years. Tim on the breast cancer
newsgroup's wife has been battling bone mets for 4 years. Big difference
between the two.

I do hope you will look into palliative care. I'm sure they have experience
with different family dynamics and can be a great support system for all of
you, and hopefully put you all on the "same page" as to the futu
1) whether the plan is to eventually have her move in with yourselves or
whether she'll be moved into hospice when she can no longer care for herself

2) making end-of life care decisions. (will, advance directives), power of
attorney of care, funeral, and probably more)

There's a section here on the latter issues
http://cancer.gov/cancer_information/coping/

If your mother in law is fairly stable at the moment and has other support
resources and/or very independent, I would consider taking a long weekend
away from the situation and the child to try and strengthen your
relationship with your wife. I would make it clear to her that you will be
there for her to protect, help and support her as best you can. then I would
tell her "I'm not going to be the whipping boy in this anymore. So please
stop the blaming. We're in this marriage together, we make decisions
together and we make the best decisions we can and we share the
responsibility for our decisions and actions (good or bad). After this
weekend, our focus will be on your mother (and keeping it together
emotionally, physically, mentally and healthwise ourselves), so let's make
the best of this weekend because we don't know when we can get some time
alone from here on in and we'll go back rested and ready to face the
challenges ahead together".
(of course, you can ignore that suggestion if you think it would cause more
trouble than good).

Post anytime, please tell us more. Or just vent if that helps you. We'll be
reading.
If there's any resources you need help with, please let us know.
J

Benjamin Dover wrote:

My MIL has a terminal case of recurrent metastatic cancer.

My wife is very close to her and is, naturally, distraught and upset.
I want to be supportive to the max possible extent, but I do not know
what to say! I can't honestly try to say that it might get better, and
there does not seem to be any real consolation. So, what should I do
or say to show her my support? So far I just hug her etc, show her my
love and attention and sympathy and try to do more housework type stuff.

Second question is, that MIL has certain negative sides such as she
always badmouths me (and most other people) in my absence (I have
very solid, undeniable evidence of that), and second, she is a blamer
type of person who tends to blame everyone else for her problems.
Unfortunately, my wife inherited the same trait wrt blaming. So, there
is a fine line between being emotionally supportive, and not doing
anything that would be later interpreted as having contributed to her
death (such as giving wrong suggestions etc).


Like you, I'm related to a person with cancer. However, I have
different emotional baggage with Rob, my husband. He's almost TOO
cheerful.

The members of the group have given you excellent advice. By coming
here, you've made a very good start. I've learned already, that this is
the one place I can go to rant and rave and know that I'll be understood
and not considered as a whining b*tch. Please use this group as an
emotional release.

If there is a support group for the family members of those with cancer
in your area, get you and your wife into it. You'll both need the feed
back and caring from other group members. Your wife, especially, needs
to know that she's not alone and can count on others to be there for her.

Helping her out around the house, hugging her, showing that you love
her, and all the other things you're doing for her are wonderful. Maybe
you can arrange for one night a week as just for her. If she wants to
go out for dinner, take her. If she wants to do something else, help
her do it. Let her call the shots on it.

About the blame game. I'm sorry. I still have to fight the urge to
blame others for my problems. It's a hard lesson to learn, that
sometimes stuff just IS. It's harder to have to watch the person learn
that lesson, especially if they use you for target practice. A lot of
continued patience and understanding will help you a lot. Rob used to
tell me he was sorry that I was having a rough time, and let me talk it
out. He taught me to understand that my having a rough time didn't mean
I could blame it on him. Does that make any sense?

You seem like a kind and caring person. Your wife is a lucky woman.

Pam S. who's also a lucky woman