single man looking for single mom

hey tiff i cant spell but im pretty lol

http://community.webtv.net/guestpet2003/guestpet
http://community.webtv.net/guestpet2...c29webpage2003

ohhh tantalizing...... when I get a free moment, I will look at your sites.
lol

T
"L L" wrote in message
...
hey tiff i cant spell but im pretty lol

http://community.webtv.net/guestpet2003/guestpet
http://community.webtv.net/guestpet2...c29webpage2003

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 03:22:50 GMT, Cele wrote:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 02:34:45 GMT, lm
wrote:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 01:32:47 GMT, Cele wrote:

I understand what you're saying, but I think Joelle's got a pretty
strong case. To a significant degree, it depends on the age of the
kids and the situation. My own daughters are 17 and 19, and have a
strong relationship with their father. Should I choose to remarry, the
man in question would need to be clear on the fact that he was *not*
in a parenting role, but rather, in a supportive adult role. Obviously
values & modeling & so forth are important, but they're important to
marriage, as well. Presumably, if you're thinking at all, you're
going to marry someone who sets a good example or you wouldn't be
choosing that person. But it's very, very dangerous ground for a step
parent to tread, to try taking on the parent's role. It's also very
arrogant, in some circumstances. There needs to be respect for the
existing or deceased parent and that parent's role in the child's
life, and there needs to be clear boundaries around the buck stopping
with the child's own parent for discipline and child rearing. That
said, of course, it's sensible for *any* adult to establish their
*own* boundaries.....with respect to themselves.

With all due respect, your kids are practically grown.

That's right. But the one is still at home. And to step in as a parent
with one that age would be nuts. I believe I mentioned that age makes
a difference.

Your post said that Joelle's point was a good one, that "his wife has
no voice where the children are concerned." Yet your paragraphs don't
really say that, they say that the amount of parenting involved
depends on age, relationship, time together, etc. All reasonable
things, and none of them appear to me to be in agreement with "his
wife has no voice where the children are concerned." Am I misreading?


It's more an
issue for Paul's son than for your daughters. You'll be a parent
whether either of you like it or not.

I'll be an adult in the home who cares about him and as he gains
trust, I'll become more involved. But I'll respect *his* and *Paul's*
relationship as the primary one WRT parenting. And I'll be a parent to
the degree that they both are comfortable...which likely will increase
over time, but only if trust is built. You don't just walk in and
start parenting other people's kids.

Of course you don't, and it will be harder for you guys than for
people who are local to each other and get to know the kids gradually.
My partner and I went through that as well, and with the biological
father in the picture too. It works quite well the way you describe,
and the idea of my husband having "no voice where the children
are concerned" is ludicrous.


If the child is very young and has no recollection or awareness of
another parent, it may be reasonable for that stepparent to take on
the role. But boy, you'd sure have to have compatible child rearing
views & styles to make it work.

And isn't that the point.

I expect it wasn't yours. But it was one of mine. :-)

Of course it was my point. I said this to Lisa: "Nobody should get
married -- whether there are existing kids or not -- if they don't
share the same basic beliefs regarding
parenting/discipline/values/morals/etc."

lm

"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"john jones" wrote in message
...
iam single m 41 nc
u can email me if u
like to
tell few thimg

Hey I don't know about other single Moms but this one has standards
and forming complete sentences along with proper spelling just happens
to be one of them. Hmm could be why I'm still single though. lol

Nope......its because you live up in the cold north boonies ;-)

I'm willing to relocate.

Christine

Well I am still in the cold north......just not the boonies.......but
can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree weather. :-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear me stop
whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger? As long as
I'm paying right LOL


Christine

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 15 Dec 2004 18:41:04 -0500, "Lisa" wrote:

I was single until I married for the first time at JUST TURNED (41). My
husband had never been married either. Nor had he had any kids. What's
wrong with us? Nothing. Red Flag? Nope. No one else was good enough
but
me

Lisa

Awwwww... that really is sweet. big smile Congratulations again.
I hope your wedidng was everything you expected and more. The place
you booked was beautiful.

'Kate


Thanks Kate. It was the wedding that I had always dreamed of. Everyone in
attendance had an absolutely wonderful time, it was very romantic and
elegant.

I'm a lucky girl

Lisa

"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"john jones" wrote in message
...
iam single m 41 nc
u can email me if u
like to
tell few thimg

Hey I don't know about other single Moms but this one has standards
and forming complete sentences along with proper spelling just
happens to be one of them. Hmm could be why I'm still single though.
lol

Nope......its because you live up in the cold north boonies ;-)

I'm willing to relocate.

Christine

Well I am still in the cold north......just not the boonies.......but
can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree weather. :-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear me stop
whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger? As long as
I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is gone. ~sigh~

Christine

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 15 Dec 2004 12:58:21 -0500, "Lisa" wrote:


"Joelle" wrote in message
...
You're not really suggesting that his wife has no voice where the
children
are concerned, are you?

Yes I am.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

That surprises me. I see it quite differently. The children, husband
and
wife are a whole, not separate. The step parent must understand that by
becoming a part of the family, they are accepting a parenting role.
Would
you marry a man that would not be a part of your children's lives? Would
you marry a man that does not share your same moral values so that he too
could set an example as your children grow and learn? Would you tolerate
a
husband that told you not to be involved in parenting his children?

In the above, I am not saying "you" as specifically you, Joelle. These
are
just some angles that I considered to be pretty essential for me,
personally, and open up these thoughts for general discussion in a "don't
bite me" sort of way.

Lisa

From what I recently read on blending families, at first, the bio
parent should take the lead WRT discipline, rules, etc. It is the job
of the bio parent to make room (emotionally, physically, mentally) for
the new spouse. Of course, disrespect should never be tolerated at
any time.

The new spouse should be patient while earning the privilege to
co-parent the children. The bio parent's job is to, again, let the new
spouse into the family, to teach the "rules" and how he or she wants
his/her children parented. New spouses should be given a voice but,
like with two bio parent households, disagreements between "parents"
should be minimized in front of the children. The younger the
children, the easier it is for them to accept the new spouse as a
parent. Teens may never accept the new spouse as a step parent. A
team approach may work better with teens. Step parents who try to buy
affection and ingratiate themselves with the children to undermine the
bio parent should be flogged. Ok, maybe not flogged but that
shouldn't be allowed.

That's it in a nutshell. I've probably left out a LOT. Binuclear
families, when they work, provide children with four parents, 8
grandparents, more half and full siblings... it's really quite neat.
Granted, they take work and if the blending doesn't happen, it can be
catastrophic but when that's the only other way (single or binuclear)
to assemble a family after divorce or widowhood, it's good to know
that there are some positives.

'Kate


HOLY CRAP! There's a rulebook now? Oy.

Lisa

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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"P.Fritz" wrote in message
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"CME" wrote in message
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"john jones" wrote in message
...
iam single m 41 nc
u can email me if u
like to
tell few thimg

Hey I don't know about other single Moms but this one has standards
and forming complete sentences along with proper spelling just
happens to be one of them. Hmm could be why I'm still single
though. lol

Nope......its because you live up in the cold north boonies ;-)

I'm willing to relocate.

Christine

Well I am still in the cold north......just not the boonies.......but
can't wait for the 27th and 80 degree weather. :-)


Yeah I think you need to take me with you, if not just to hear me stop
whining about it.

You want to share a room for a week with a complete stranger? As long as
I'm paying right LOL


Christine

LOL Busted! When you put it like that though, the romance is gone. ~sigh~

DAMN! So if you paid your own way, would you feel better about it?
heehee


Christine

The step parent must understand that by
becoming a part of the family, they are accepting a parenting role

I totally disagree. I think its a big mistake to assume that marrying someone
gives you parental rights and responsiblities.

Would
you marry a man that would not be a part of your children's lives?

You can be a part of a child's life without being the parent. Grandparents,
aunts, uncles, sisters, neighbors, coaches, friends, teachers, all do it. But
they are NOT parents.

Would
you marry a man that does not share your same moral values so that he too
could set an example as your children grow and learn?

Of course not. What does that have to do with parenting?

Would you tolerate a
husband that told you not to be involved in parenting his children

I would expect that to be the arrangement.

I would expect his kids to be polite to me and if they weren't, I probably
wouldn't marry him to begin with.

I heard a talk show host (not Dr. Laura) once say a step parents job is to be a
good hostess/host and a good friend and I agree with that.

Now if you marry someone with a kid under 2, that's a little different,
probably.

Joelle

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

Any woman in my life is a role model for my children, particularly my middle
daughter.

I don't know why people keep throwing up "role model" when I say step parents
are not parents. Not all role models are parents.

As my wife, it is indeed her "job" to
assist in the raising of all the children ... mine, hers, ours

Nope, not her job to raise your kids. Be supportive, good role model, if not
back you up, at least shut up ...but raise your kids. Nope.

After all, if you don't trust your
partner what are you doing having your kids around them?

It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with roles.

Caution is admirable in most all situations. But "red flag" is a "stop". A
"yellow flag" for "caution" is perhaps a better description

Well this started with a silly post and this guy had all kinds of stops to
begin with - but to say "I want a single mother"...that's a red flag. Stop.
End of discussion.

Perhaps they can
not have children of their own.

So they want my children? Ick.

Perhaps they have a family member who is a
single parent and understand the dynamics of that life style

Why look for only a single mom?

Perhaps your
negativity and suspicions are based on your experiences with a step father?

No step fathers...but I do know that pediphiles target single mothers.

Shall we "red flag" all people who have any preconceived
ideas of what they want in a partner?.

So it's okay for you to have a preconcieved notion for what you want in a
partner (single parent) but I can't have any notions like - I don't want
someone who is hunting single moms?

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle