Review: Poseidon (**)

POSEIDON
A film review by Steve Rhodes

Copyright 2006 Steve Rhodes



RATING (0 TO ****): **



Is POSEIDON hilariously ridiculous or merely ridiculous? It's just
absolutely ridiculous and not much fun either, with the few laughs being the
unintentional type that will have you laughing at the movie and not with it.



As envisioned by directory Wolfgang Petersen (TROY), POSEIDON is a luxury
liner inhabited by a new species of humans, the kind that can swim
underwater together for extremely long distances. Navy SEALs are nothing
compared to these people, who, as you'll discover, come up out of the cold
water rarely shaking or gasping for breath. Although large plot holes lurk
around every corner, they aren't even the worst part of the picture.



For those of you who haven't seen or don't remember the original (THE
POSEIDON ADVENTURE), let me summarize the plot for you. It's THE TITANIC but
with a "rogue wave" replacing the iceberg as the force of nature that sinks
the ship.



The movie starts on New Year's Eve, as the people prepare to party the night
away. The only questions in your mind will be: 1) How long will the movie
wait before it lets disaster strike? and 2) Which passengers will be the
lucky few to survive?



The answer to the first question is as soon as possible. The film has no
interest in developing any characters. They scrapped the script and sunk
their money into special effects instead. They were robbed. The effects
aren't special at all, just a lot of water rushing this way and that.



The second question, given the thousand-plus people on the ship is a bit
trickier. But, only movie stars, of course, are in the running. Extras will
all be toast. Among the possible candidates some can be easily allocated to
the (soon-to-be) living or dead category. Kevin Dillon plays a drunk who
brags that his name is Lucky Larry. Think he might bite the big one during
one of his particularly boastful moments?



Jimmy Bennett plays 9-year-old Conor James. Do you think they'll kill off
the kid or his single mom (Jacinda Barrett)? If you can't answer this
question, you need to see more disaster movies. Possession of a kid is the
surest way to safety.



Others are a bit harder to guess. Richard Dreyfuss plays a gay guy who wants
to commit suicide because his lover just dumped him. You can see how cheesy
the movie will be when his attempted suicide is aborted by a killer wave. As
fireman and ex-mayor of New York, Kurt Russell gives the best performance,
although it's nothing to write home about. Emmy Rossum (THE PHANTOM OF THE
OPERA) plays the mayor's daughter, who has just gotten engaged to a generic
hunk.



The action is as tedious as it is absurd because the movie never creates a
single character you care about or want to root for. All the people do is
rush from one impossible moment to the next. Each time they quickly think of
a way out, with the intellectual acumen of world class chess players. No
matter how impossible it might seem to get out of a chamber, two seconds
after entering it, they devise an elaborate exit strategy, which they
execute flawlessly, aided by their aforementioned hidden gills.



You'll probably leave feeling exhausted and insulted by such a silly and
preposterous film. It could and should at least be fun. It isn't.



POSEIDON runs 1:39. It is rated PG-13 for "intense prolonged sequences of
disaster and peril" and would be acceptable for kids around 12 and up.



The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, May 12, 2006. In
the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century
theaters and the Camera Cinemas.



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