Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

wrote:


Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
experiences to learn from I could have easily given up.

I learned everything I needed to know about BF from here! ;-)
Ok, only partially. I learned A LOT from here,and over the years from
friends, and from working in a maternal/child health setting. I didn't
learn BF from my mom only because the topic didn't come up much. I was
the 7th of 8 kids so didn't see her BF - she BF'd all of us a few
months, #8 the longest at 6 monhts, and that was 34 yrs ago. What I
*did* learn from her about BF was not the mechanics but the
naturallness of it. For some reason a conversation she had with another
woman who was publicly BF'ing her toddler sticks in my mind (I was
about 12) - she was offering her support and encouragement to the
mother. 2 of my sisters BF'd all kids, one bf'd the second but had
trouble with the first, the other tried with both and didn't. My 2 SILs
also BF'd all their kids (10 for one, 3 for the other). However, I
never really discussed it with them, at least not the nitty gritty
details of it. I might have it they were local, or we were doing it at
the same time. So, overally from family I got support and encouragement
and knowledge of it, but didn't really *learn*. I learned from friends
doing it now and co-workers (lots of lactation consultants on staff),
and really, I learned the most from mkb.

All that's to say, there are a lot of places one can learn about BF,
not just whilst growing up (tho postive reinforcement of it was key).
That said, if you have the opportunity to teach someone about it when
they're young, make use of that. I'm wholly convinced our non-BF'd 10
yr old niece (whose little brothers were also not BF'd) will BF her kid
one day, given how glued to me she was this past week and fascinated by
all things BF.


At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
unobserved.

DD was in the hospital for our first week of BF'ing. The first day they
put a screen up around us. The second time they were about to, but DD
was demanding to be fed NOW and they took too long, I got over my
uncomfortableness real fast. I whipped it out and fed her. From then on
I just didn't bother with the screen. Sometimes I had an 'audience" -
LC, neonatalogist, my dad, the nurses, DH, then the parents of the
other 4 babies in the room.... I was concerned with their (the other
parents) comfort level initially, but figured I'm in the bloody
hospital, I don't have much choice, they'll deal. All the other babies
were FF, except one with a cleft palate who was bottle fed EBM.

When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no.

I did this at first with my American friends. And when in Europe with
DH's friends/family/colleagues, I asked *him* if he minded, since it
was his people I could be bothering. He laughed and said "they're
European." (I should specify - continental Europeans ;-))

Now, I do occassionally go to another room to BF, but that's because DD
gets too distracted. When at FIL's during dinner I usually had to leave
- it was like there was too much commotion and she wanted to focus on
the party. But at breakfast when it was just 4 of us, it was fine. FIL
even brought me a special comfy chair for b'fast so I could feed her
while talking to them.

In article .com,
says...

Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
just keep the peace.

WHHHYYY are you talking with her AT ALL if you think she's creating
difficulties??

That's your husband's job, and his problem.


"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
discussion."

Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
take this as an answer and be happy with it?? This is really a matter
of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
is a little wacky.


You need to get a better since of boundaries, and you need some good and solid
advice on step parenting issues. Get thee to alt.support.step-parents.

A lot of this worry of yours about your ex approving of your household is
self-imposed. IF it doesn't affect HER household, or materially affect your
step children, or get in the way of agreed upon responsibilities to each other
(like getting steps to and from the two households), it's not her business.

Banty

cjra wrote:
wrote:

Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
experiences to learn from I could have easily given up.


Just my two cents worth. My mother never breast fed me because I was in
intensive care for a good week when born, by the time she got be back, I
wouldnt have any of it. Besides that, my mother and father broke up when
I was 14 and she left the country. I have no female friends I was close
enough to feel comfortable asking and my father and husband had as
little clue as I did.

However, when Little_Wookie was born, the midwife just plonked her on my
chest and let nature take it's course - which it did rather
successfully. Later, lying in my hospital bed, I realised that she would
need to be fed once again and frantically tried to remember all I had
read on the subject. I tried and tried but couldnt get any joy...she was
getting frustrated and so was I. I laid back down again and thought
about it. And then I had a brainwave...stop trying and just do it. I
picked her up, placed her against me and off we went. I just decided to
listen to my instincts and it worked. With regard to breast feeding in
public (for the 6 weeks I was able to do it), I must say that I never
quite plucked up the courage to do it. Like another poster, i was unsure
of myself and needed space to work where I wasnt being bothered by
purile idiots oggling what I had. Luckily, when out and about in town,
we have a fairly progressive council that provides private areas all
over the place where a mother can go to feed in private. Some are more
comfortable than others, but almost all had some sort of rocking chair
or comfortable sofa and it worked pretty well. I never found the need to
breast feed in 'public' because I was never more than a few yards from a
private area. However, I did resolve that if needs be, I would do it
whereever I needed and hang the consequences. There has been at least
one incident here in the UK where a mother has been told to stop or she
would be arrested for indecent exposure! This from a woman police
officer too. My experience is that our council is doing every thing in
its power to assist breast feeding by providing these comfort areas and
therefore limiting the need to do it in full view of everyone.
Personally, when on a road trip up north when Little_wookie was about 6
weeks old, I found a spot on a grass verge sheltered by parked cars,
made myself comfortable and did it there with a muslin drapped over us
both. No adult would have been in doubt about what I was doing, but
neither was everything on show. Essentially, the british tend to not
notice what they dont want to. Its simply not polite to notice, so you
dont. Once a mother gets over her own embarrasment, I suspect that most
people couldnt give a monkey's what you are really doing under
there...they know, you know, neither of you has to acknowledge that you
know, so we just go about our lives without having to pay attention and
I think that's how it should be.

Wookie

On 22 Sep 2006 05:58:15 -0700, "
wrote:

Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
just keep the peace.

You're giving her way too much power over you. Instead of seeing it
as "rocking the boat", you should do what YOU desire and are
comfortable with and not worry about her reaction.

"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
discussion."

Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
take this as an answer and be happy with it??

First, you don't *have* to discuss *anything* with her. You have the
power to avoid a conversation with her.

Well, no I wouldn't just take a blunt answer like that and be happy
about it. I would discuss the issue with my ex-husband, not the
step-mom.

When my ds moved in with his dad and step-mom I had a few issues with
how she handled things on occasion. A talk with my ex cleared
everything up for everyone, and things ran more smoothly.

This is really a matter
of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
is a little wacky.

Then realize you cannot control her, nor she, you. Do NOT argue with
her about it. Do NOT even discuss it with her. Do you not realize
you have the power to end the conversation with her if she oversteps
her boundaries? Either hang up the phone, hand it to your husband, or
lay down the receiver and walk away. Of course she's entitled to her
opinion. And it's good that you wish to respect her opinion. But
you're not obligated to allow her opinion to dictate what you do in
your own home.

I love my husband and my step-sons. But I do enjoy the alone time my
daughter and I have when I nurse. My house can be a little hectic with
the kids and their friends in and out all day, so it's nice to have
quiet time with her.

This is a compelling reason to BF in private, if that is your wish.
Sorry, but it just ruffles my feathers when I hear a woman say she's
allowing someone else to dictate her actions.

Nan

Wow, you're quick. I removed that post shortly after posting because I
decided not to get off topic - the whole wacky step-family thing,
instead of breastfeeding. Sorry.

I appreciate your advice. I know my family isn't the perfect situation
and we have been in therapy. And I do not communicate with her
anymore, but I was saying that I used to and have learned not to
because she is insane.

I just think some people need to realize that others may be
uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of certain people. I happen to be
uncomfortable doing it in front of my step-sons and their friends.
Especially since I am the "young step-mom" and only 10 years older than
my oldest step-son.

But I do not feel like I hide it from them. We have had open
discussions. The middle boy asked if he could borrow my pump and see
if he could get milk from his breast. And they asked if I could sell
my milk over the internet to mom's who can't breastfeed. And they've
asked me what it tastes like. Silly, yes. We're talking about a 14 &
15 year olds. But I have answered their questions and have had open
discussions, since they didn't really know anything.

Anne Rogers wrote:
shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.

I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a
women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat
or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her
older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world,
because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities,
the better we'll do!

Eh, I don't know. I suspect the world would be a
better place if people didn't go ballistic over that sort
of thing, but since so many people do, I suspect it might
backfire or something. Since reasonably discreet nursing
is possible in the vast majority of situations, I'd be
happy as a clam to settle for people being accepting of
reasonably discreet nursing anytime, anywhere.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...

hedgehog42 wrote:
Bryna wrote:

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in, and say that I completely agree with
what you're saying, Frisbee! And I'm a proud lactivist who does not
see breastfeeding as sexual at all -- but I've never been a teenage
boy. Of course the OP should breastfeed, and she doesn't need to go
hide out in a room alone to do it. However, unless her stepsons are
clear that they are comfortable with her partial nudity (and I'd be
awfully surprised if that were the case!) then she should nurse
discreetly without revealing more skin than she usually does at home.
Obviously she has a right to nurse however she wants -- but just
because we have the right to do something doesn't make it considerate
or kind to do so.

It seems that so many people assume that a woman at home always nurses
nekkid or semi-nekkid!

Just a minor side point, why are people afraid to write *naked*?

Writing naked is okay, as long as you're not sitting in a leather seat on a
hot day.

wrote:

I just think some people need to realize that others may be
uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of certain people. I happen to be
uncomfortable doing it in front of my step-sons and their friends.
Especially since I am the "young step-mom" and only 10 years older than
my oldest step-son.

If you realize that *you're* the one who has the
problem with it, that's fine. I would just recommend not
pushing it off on your stepsons as *their* problem. There
are people who just feel uncomfortable nursing in front of
others, and that's their prerogative. I think it can be
very isolating and makes it much less likely that many
women will breastfeed as long as is ideal, but that is
their choice.

But I do not feel like I hide it from them. We have had open
discussions. The middle boy asked if he could borrow my pump and see
if he could get milk from his breast. And they asked if I could sell
my milk over the internet to mom's who can't breastfeed. And they've
asked me what it tastes like. Silly, yes. We're talking about a 14 &
15 year olds. But I have answered their questions and have had open
discussions, since they didn't really know anything.

I think it's good to answer those questions, which
I think are perfectly natural. At the same time, I think
you have to realize that your choice has consequences.
They may not be the end of the earth, and it's certainly
your right to choose this, but your conduct while nursing
likely sets the tone for a lifetime with your stepsons.
What you do is what they'll find to be normal and expected,
naturally. So, when they go out in public and see a
woman nursing her baby, they'll be uncomfortable because
their expectation is that that's something private and
they know that *YOU* were uncomfortable nursing in front
of them, so obviously others should be uncomfortable
nursing in front of them. Someday if they have children
of their own, they may well expect their wives to
nurse in private, which might have more negative consequences
for their wives (should they choose to go along with that
expectation) than for you, or might set up a conflict
between them.
Now, we all do things sometimes that aren't ideal
for our children's future, so I'm not saying that this is
horrible and you're a bad mom for doing it. And given
the birth mother situation, perhaps this is just a battle
you don't feel like fighting (though I would agree that
I think it would be a looooooong shot that there would
have been any trouble if you'd just gone ahead and nursed
around your house as you pleased, with a modicum of
discretion). Nevertheless, I think it must be
acknowledged that the choice not to nurse in front of
your stepsons inevitably sends a less than ideal
message to them. They can't help but know that you
are uncomfortable with it, and by implication that
they ought to be as well.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article ews.net, Frisbee®
says...

"cjra" wrote in message
roups.com...

hedgehog42 wrote:

It seems that so many people assume that a woman at home always nurses
nekkid or semi-nekkid!

Just a minor side point, why are people afraid to write *naked*?

Writing naked is okay, as long as you're not sitting in a leather seat on a
hot day.



LOL!

wrote:
It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes.

You've got a speedy eater, then. Took all my 3 longer than that, most
times -- sometimes they were nursing for comfort.

I
think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.

Well, maybe. I tend to look at teen conversations like this a little
differently. Mine are so busy with their own lives that when they seek
me out specifically to talk, I don't want to let golden opportunity
pass. It's not always possible to reschedule. Even 10 minutes later,
they could be "gone" mentally -- on the phone, computer, zoning out to
music or movie, whatever.

It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable.

That's pretty much what the gist of the convesation's been. It's a
novelty -- and perhaps discomforting -- the first time you see it. It
gets old really fast. You and your stepson haven't given it the
opportunity to grow old or normalized.

If the
baby had a poopy diaper I would also interupt a conversation, movie,
dinner, etc. and change it.

Really? You wouldn't even offer the chatting kid the opportunity to
continue a conversation as you change the diaper? Even from the doorway
and safely out of viewing area?

But even the poopiest diaper, IME, took less than 10 minutes to change.


And here's a question. Presumably, you're out doing things together as
a family sometimes. McDonald's, bowling, soccer league, county fair.
What happens then when baby cries to be fed? Do you seek out the
restroom or your car -- or stay with the people with whom you're
supposedly grabbing some quality time ?

What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.

Oh, I do understand that. Of course, the bio mom may not appreciate any
number of other things that go on in your house, either. But bio mom
doesn't have a leg to stand on here. Pediatricians recommending BF as
the preferred method of feeding for infants.
Bio mom isn't likely to garner much sympathy if she claims that feeding
a baby in the doctor-recommended way is somehow hurting her teen-age
sons by making them "uncomfortable."

What happens if you have another child in 2 or 3 years? Do you require
stepson to mind your toddler while you sequester yourself with the
hungry baby whenever Dad's not home to run interference? Or do you give
stepson a chance to recognize to become comfortable with something
unfamiliar (which in turn makes him more likely to be a supportive
husband someday)?

And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
don't want to step on anyone's toes.

With all due respect, it sounds more like he picked up on your
discomfort at discussing the topic with him and so changed direction.

So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
uncomfortable.

I'd weigh the possible initial discomfort (yours and theirs) against
further loss of already limited time with them. As they see it, the new
baby's already the center of attention in this house-- the baby will
make it harder for you to attend their plays, recitals, games or to
take off to go hiking or whatever. So even if your intentions are noble
(to spare them ANY discomfort or your husband ANY discord with bio
mom), the message that you unintentionally communicate could be "the
baby comes first because he's more important than you."

Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI