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Review: Date Movie (ZERO STARS)



 
 
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Old February 18th 06, 12:47 AM posted to misc.kids
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Default Review: Date Movie (ZERO STARS)

DATE MOVIE
A film review by Steve Rhodes

Copyright 2006 Steve Rhodes



RATING (0 TO ****): ZERO!



How's this for an aphrodisiac? Instead of a chocolate dessert at the end of
the meal on your first date, you and your new squeeze instead find some
helpless, homeless guy and beat the crap out of him. That will surely make
you horny. It certainly worked for the stars of DATE MOVIE.



And speaking of crap, this is just the image that DATE MOVIE will have you
conjuring up, again and again, and not just during its scatological, gross
bathroom episodes. A movie which deserves to be remembered in the same
league as other painfully gross films such as FREDDIE GOT FINGERED, DATE
MOVIE would appear to have a lock on most critics' worst of the year lists.
I've reviewed 1,700 films thus far in this century, and this is only the
third time I've given out zero stars. This vile film is filled with images
that you are going to want badly to forget but won't be able to.



The not very original idea behind the plot is the parodying of films,
especially comedies. Although this technique can be good, as the cute NOT
ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE proves, DATE MOVIE has little respect for its audience or
appreciation of what constitutes effective humor. Loud and gross, the movie
is just about as unpleasant a film-going experience as you can imagine.



As an extremely obese Julia Jones, à la Rosemary Shanahan in SHALLOW HAL,
Alyson Hannigan is a klutz whose body is a garbage dump. Her "stinky
mouth," for example, turns out to come from a large and old, half-eaten
chicken wing that she is still caught in her teeth from a previous meal.
When she is cut down in order to "pimp her out" in a chop shop run by a
bunch of ghetto blacks, we see some of grossest feet and toenails ever seen
on the big screen. It's another indelible image that you'll want to purge
from your mind but will be unable to.



This repulsive and repugnant film really isn't as horrible as its terrible
trailers. It's much, much worse.



Filled with bet-we-can-make-you-puke moments, it basically dares you not to
run out of the theater screaming. The coup de grâce for me came in a
rip-off of MEET THE FOCKERS. As Frank (Eddie Griffin), Julia's dad, plays
basketball with Mr. Fonckyerdoder (Fred Willard), Julia's father-in-law to
be, Frank's mouth ends up scraping a two-foot long swath of body hair and
sweat off of Mr. Fonckyerdoder's hairy chest. As the camera cuts to the
close-up, Frank starts throwing up huge amounts of really putrid hair and
sweat. For me, it was one throw up too many. I was ready to puke too. You
will be as well if you waste any of your money on this abomination.



DATE MOVIE runs 1:20. It is rated PG-13 for "continuous crude and sexual
humor, including language" and wouldn't be acceptable for anybody,
regardless of age.



The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, February 17, 2006.
In the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century
theaters and the Camera Cinemas.



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