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Parent in the Hospital
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth, my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place. So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon. But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't make anyone happy. So what to do? The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it, didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that left myself and her best friend (who is on our street). They are understanding and accommodating, so I we came to an understanding that I would only visit this week when she could stay with her friend. Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and won't even play with that friend if she is with another kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one. She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else who happens to drop by the house. So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy, and I think she needed some familiar ground for awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates herself for too long, then it will have the opposite effect on her emotional health, especially if she burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back to multiple, comfortable friends? Thanks. SM |
#2
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Parent in the Hospital
P. Tierney wrote: My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put it into words. I So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? First, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. What a lot to handle! I think that at 4.5 you mostly have to take her lead, but perhaps you can provide some incentives with the new location -- talk positively about it, how much nicer it is for her mom, etc., how eager her mom is to see her. Can you bring photos/video of mom at the rehab facility so that she can see what it's like? Would her best friend visit with her? Is there a slightly older child (cousin, neighbor) who might visit and then appear in photos/video to show her it's not scary? I'm no psychologist but there might be some anger here -- in her little mind, mom left her and she may be (on some level) angry about that). Can the 16 yo brother help at all? I know kids are all over the map, but if she looks up to him he might be a bridge. I also think it might be best to make this spontaneous rather than planned. You might take her out for a drive, ice cream, even routine errands like the dry cleaner, and casually mention that maybe we could stop by and see mom. If she says no, respect it -- but she might get brave in the moment in ways she can't if she has to think about it for too long. Little ones really pick up on our feelings -- be sure you are sharing honestly how you are feeling about this (not all of it, but enough that she can trust you -- if she senses you are lying about how you're handling it, she won't trust your advice about whether she can handle it) I think if these things don't work I'd find a good child counselor to help you with this. Your hospital's social work department should be able to provide some recommendations. You are going through so much yourself that it's unfair to expect yourself to have perfect solutions for this. So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy, and I think she needed some familiar ground for awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates herself for too long, then it will have the opposite effect on her emotional health, especially if she burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back to multiple, comfortable friends? IMO it hasn't been too long yet. I think your focus needs to be on your first problem, if you resolve that the rest may work out. Let her stay with the folks that keep her comfortable. -Dawn Mom to Henry, 13 |
#3
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Parent in the Hospital
On Mon, 29 May 2006 11:02:06 EDT, "P. Tierney"
wrote: So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon. But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't make anyone happy. So what to do? Don't force her. If your wife looks pretty good and can talk to her, then odds are the child's fears are worse than the reality and she would be reassured by a video of her mom saying hello and that she wants to have her come talk to her because she misses her. Children have big imaginations and at her age, she can't differentiate fantasy from reality. The horrible things she may be imagining are real possibilities to her. Reassure her with the less horrible reality. She may also fear being close to mom because she could lose her. Ask her to help her baby brother to understand that the video shows there is nothing to be afraid of and help him to go visit mommy. If your wife looks really bad becasue of tubes, injuries, etc., don't take your daughter there yet. Wait until the visit will be reassuring. My kids went with me to see their grandpa when he was in the hospital. We managed to get to his room just as he arrived and he was still under some anasthetic. To me, it was no big deal. He was just kind of out of it. It scared the bejeebers out of my kids, who were both older than yours. In that case, I explained that he was still drowsy from the stuff they gave him to put him to sleep for the operation and we went to get something to eat at the cafeteria and have some relaxing time and then went back to see him in much better shape. If I could not have shown them that he was okay, the first view of him would have been devastating and stayed with them a long time. They still remember the visit and how scared they were at first and how relieved when their old grandpa was back, just hooked up to some IV's and looking a little more pale and tired than usual. The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it, didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that left myself and her best friend (who is on our street). They are understanding and accommodating, so I we came to an understanding that I would only visit this week when she could stay with her friend. Her world spun out of control. Her mom left her and everything hast changed and it's scary for a little girl. It might start occurring to her that she could lose you, too. It is natural to be clingy after something like what happened to her. She can't imagine losing both parents (and to her, her mom is probably gone, four year olds don't have much sense of time) so she wants to keep you in her sights. Leave for short periods (even a minute down the street) without a production, just telling her you'll be back. Return. Do it again. Come back again. Work up to longer amounts of time. The more times you leave and then return, the more positive experiences she has to reassure herself when her fears rear their ugly heads. I work with school children who have anxiety issues and explain to them that they have a scaredy brain and a thinking brain. Both can't be in charge at the same time. So when their scaredy brain is telling them to be scared that you won't come back or that mommy will be weird or whatever, they need to get their thinking brains in charge because their thinking brain knows that daddy always comes back and that mommy looks just like she did in the video she sent from the hospital (or photo or whatever). The way to do this is to take a deep breath and blow it all out. Have her tense up and then blow a deep breath out. She will see that her body cannot stay tensed up when she does that and it has to relax. It is telling her brain to relax and let the thinking brain think it through, too, when she does that. I have young kids blow it all out until they can blow my bangs. It works wonders to have them trying to blow my bangs around my forehead. That's distracting in and of itself and it also promotes getting all the air out so her body has to relax. Do it yourself and see how it works. When she starts to get worked up and anxious. Get on her level, talk calmly and breathe with her until her thinking brain is engaged. Then ask her questions like, "Have I ever left you and not come back?" and have her answer that no you haven't. Make sure to end with, "Would I ever go away and not come back? Of course not because I love you way too much and I would miss you way too much and I would want to come back and [fill in the things you most like doing with her] with you and I want to be here with you forever and ever" or something along those lines. You want to reinforce that you wouldn't and also end up reminding her of things that make her feel loved and safe and secure like the good memories of the things she enjoys doing with you. Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and won't even play with that friend if she is with another kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one. She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else who happens to drop by the house. Let her be short with them. When it comes to other kids, they are very understanding. Tell them that her mom has been really sick in the hospital and she gets kind of sad and kind of mad when she thinks about that so they might see her getting sad or mad. Keep an eye on the interactions and intervene when it is getting testy with a distraction. So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy, and I think she needed some familiar ground for awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates herself for too long, then it will have the opposite effect on her emotional health, especially if she burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back to multiple, comfortable friends? She really needs to be seeing an outside therapist or counselor. There are undoubtedly fears that she can't discuss with you no matter how much she trusts you. Kids feel protective of their parents. If she is mad at her mom for leaving her, she might be reluctant to tell you, but she needs to be able to let it out with someone. The other problem is that you are too stressed yourself to be able to absorb some of her pain and help her to process it. My kids are school aged and I encourage them to talk to their school counselors even though I do counseling for a living. It is just too complicated to be impartial and have the same dynamics when you are emotionally involved. Their pain is too much my pain and my pain is too much their pain to be able to get it all out productively together. When my oldest daughter started having some more severe issues, I started her in therapy. She talks to me a lot, but she also knows that if things come up that she is afraid will hurt me or anger me or disappoint me, whether they actually would or not, she has a place to discuss them freely. No child should go through this kind of ordeal without professional help. Every hospital or rehab facility dealing with cases like your wife's would have people on staff or that they could refer you to, often free of charge or on an ability to pay basis. It would help you to be able to talk to someone, too. That kind of burden is too heavy for anyone to carry alone, but there are people trained specifically in how to make it bearable without having to figure that out the long and hard way. Good luck to all of you! -- Paula "Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy, so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay |
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