at odds in discipline

Hey guys

It has been awhile since I posted.

Anyway I have to say I am way stressed.

My 5 year old daughter is going through some kind of crazy kid phase.
It is doing a number on me and my relationship with my husband.

She is acting up, crying, tantrum throwing. An example would be
getting her to school in the morning. She flips out from the moment I
wake her, telling me that she is not getting up, not going. I wrestle
to get her into her clothes, she refuses to eat breakfast and on it
goes until we are always 5 to 10 minutes late for school.

When I take the "let's discuss it" route, it seems to confuse her even
more and gets worse.

At the moment she had a huge fit taking a bath and is screaming mama
and crying in her room.

My husband blames me for her behaviour. His idea is strict
punishment, which includes yelling at her and ending up scaring the
cr** out of her.

Needless to say, things are a rollercoaster ride right now. And
basically whatever mood the 5 year old is in, directs how my husband
and I will get along during the day.

It is a terrible way to live. The guilt I have for what my daughter
is turning into is overwhelming and I am doubting myself and my
methods every single moment.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just keep plugging along, but
some days, I just don't know.

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Thanks,
Vickie

In article
,
Vickie wrote:

Anyway I have to say I am way stressed.

My 5 year old daughter is going through some kind of crazy kid phase.
It is doing a number on me and my relationship with my husband.

She is acting up, crying, tantrum throwing. An example would be
getting her to school in the morning. She flips out from the moment I
wake her, telling me that she is not getting up, not going. I wrestle
to get her into her clothes, she refuses to eat breakfast and on it
goes until we are always 5 to 10 minutes late for school.

When I take the "let's discuss it" route, it seems to confuse her even
more and gets worse.

At the moment she had a huge fit taking a bath and is screaming mama
and crying in her room.

My husband blames me for her behaviour. His idea is strict
punishment, which includes yelling at her and ending up scaring the
cr** out of her.

Needless to say, things are a rollercoaster ride right now. And
basically whatever mood the 5 year old is in, directs how my husband
and I will get along during the day.

It is a terrible way to live. The guilt I have for what my daughter
is turning into is overwhelming and I am doubting myself and my
methods every single moment.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just keep plugging along, but
some days, I just don't know.

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Oh dear, I am sorry! It's time to call Time Out and have some literal and
metaphorical deep breaths. Do the literal ones right now.

Can you and DH send her off to a relative or friend for a day so that you have
a chance to sit down and talk to each other about the situation? Because you
have different approaches, it will take a while to work through.

Questions to ask of each other:
What exactly is happening? Is DD defiant, or is she hitting other kids and
taking their toys, or pulling the wings off butterflies? Why do you think she
is "turning into" something, and what is the something?

Is the bad behaviour only in particular circumstances, like only on school
days? What things have worked, and what haven't? (I submit that neither
negotiating nor terrorising are going to help you much.) Is DD having
nightmares? How is her health?

Secondly, contact your child's teacher and the school counsellor. Is she the
same at school, or different? How is she going with school work and socially?

The average child doesn't flip out from the moment they wake up. To me, it
sounds like she is very frightened of something at school. Is that possible?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

Vickie wrote:

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Perhaps it would help if you both chose a book,
both read through it, and then agreed to follow the plan in
the book for a specified period of time (a month or two?),
being absolutely consistent and with the full support
of both parents? I'm sure folks here could recommend
some good books, and really, it sounds like almost any
method would be an improvement over what you have now. My
thought is that if the two of you are having trouble negotiating
out a unified approach to discipline, rather than each of
you arguing for your own way, you could appeal to an independent
third party for a coherent, well thought out program.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Vickie" wrote in message
...
Hey guys

It has been awhile since I posted.

Anyway I have to say I am way stressed.

My 5 year old daughter is going through some kind of crazy kid phase.
It is doing a number on me and my relationship with my husband.

She is acting up, crying, tantrum throwing. An example would be
getting her to school in the morning. She flips out from the moment I
wake her, telling me that she is not getting up, not going. I wrestle
to get her into her clothes, she refuses to eat breakfast and on it
goes until we are always 5 to 10 minutes late for school.

When I take the "let's discuss it" route, it seems to confuse her even
more and gets worse.

At the moment she had a huge fit taking a bath and is screaming mama
and crying in her room.

My husband blames me for her behaviour. His idea is strict
punishment, which includes yelling at her and ending up scaring the
cr** out of her.

Needless to say, things are a rollercoaster ride right now. And
basically whatever mood the 5 year old is in, directs how my husband
and I will get along during the day.

It is a terrible way to live. The guilt I have for what my daughter
is turning into is overwhelming and I am doubting myself and my
methods every single moment.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just keep plugging along, but
some days, I just don't know.

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Thanks,
Vickie


Can you guess what I am going to say? (For the other misc.kidsers, I am
calling on some knowledge from another group.)

I know your hesitance. But it really is time for family counseling. You and
your husband have to get at least *near* the same page, not on opposite ends
of the planet. He wont go. So you go. Chookie's thoughts are sound, that
something else may be going on. The somethign else may even *be* the
difficulty between you and your husband right now.

Your issues are too multifaceted and intertwined. IMO you need help with a
clearer view of what precisely the major issues are and what some techniques
may be to solve them.

On Apr 10, 4:39*am, Chookie wrote:

snipped


Oh dear, I am sorry! *It's time to call Time Out and have some literal and
metaphorical deep breaths. *Do the literal ones right now.

Can you and DH send her off to a relative or friend for a day so that you have
a chance to sit down and talk to each other about the situation? *Because you
have different approaches, it will take a while to work through.

Yes, although as Stephanie can vouch, my DH does not really *want* to
sit and discuss, unfortunately.


Questions to ask of each other:
What exactly is happening? *Is DD defiant, or is she hitting other kids and
taking their toys, or pulling the wings off butterflies? *Why do you think she
is "turning into" something, and what is the something?

We had some problems with middle daughter in the same regard. My
husband said he could not take it if she ended up acting the way
middle daughter did.
*

Is the bad behaviour only in particular circumstances, like only on school
days?

Her teacher tells me she does well in school. No real tantrums or
problems with her.

What things have worked, and what haven't? *(I submit that neither
negotiating nor terrorising are going to help you much.) *Is DD having
nightmares? *

She suffers from occasional night terrors.

How is her health?

It was not so good this last month. Flu and pink-eye got her.


Secondly, contact your child's teacher and the school counsellor. *Is she the
same at school, or different? *How is she going with school work and socially?

The teacher I am really close with. I also work at the school on
Wed. The teacher assures me that she is well-behaved at school.
On the days I do work, she is very clingy and she does have some bad
moments. So maybe it *is* me? The teacher says no, that she just is
trying to get what she wants because I am there. I don't know.

School work is fine, really good in fact, no worries for her or us.
Socially she seems fine.


The average child doesn't flip out from the moment they wake up. *To me, it
sounds like she is very frightened of something at school. *Is that possible?

She is seriously afraid of injury. Since losing her second tooth at
school she has been having problems with going.

I tell ya, it gets exhausting trying to iron all this out! I never
know when I am pressing reasons on things where it just could be her
being in a defiant stage!

This is probably one of the hardest things my husband and I deal
with. He thinks she is *always* being defiant. I am usually trying
to find what it is that is bothering her and try to fix it.


Vickie

On Apr 10, 5:51*am, "Stephanie" wrote:
"Vickie" wrote in message

...





Hey guys

It has been awhile since I posted.

Anyway I have to say I am way stressed.

My 5 year old daughter is going through some kind of crazy kid phase.
It is doing a number on me and my relationship with my husband.

She is acting up, crying, tantrum throwing. *An example would be
getting her to school in the morning. *She flips out from the moment I
wake her, telling me that she is not getting up, not going. *I wrestle
to get her into her clothes, she refuses to eat breakfast and on it
goes until we are always 5 to 10 minutes late for school.

When I take the "let's discuss it" route, it seems to confuse her even
more and gets worse.

At the moment she had a huge fit taking a bath and is screaming mama
and crying in her room.

My husband blames me for her behaviour. *His idea is strict
punishment, which includes yelling at her and ending up scaring the
cr** out of her.

Needless to say, things are a rollercoaster ride right now. *And
basically whatever mood the 5 year old is in, directs how my husband
and I will get along during the day.

It is a terrible way to live. *The guilt I have for what my daughter
is turning into is overwhelming and I am doubting myself and my
methods every single moment.

I have no idea what to do anymore. *I just keep plugging along, but
some days, I just don't know.

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Thanks,
Vickie

Can you guess what I am going to say? *(For the other misc.kidsers, I am
calling on some knowledge from another group.)

I know your hesitance. But it really is time for family counseling. You and
your husband have to get at least *near* the same page, not on opposite ends
of the planet. He wont go. So you go. Chookie's thoughts are sound, that
something else may be going on. The somethign else may even *be* the
difficulty between you and your husband right now.

I thought of that also. That our tension might be making things worse
or something.


Your issues are too multifaceted and intertwined. IMO you need help with a
clearer view of what precisely the major issues are and what some techniques
may be to solve them.

Yeah. Therapy just keeps slipping down on the priority list.

If I did go though, and came up with a good plan of action, I hope DH
is willing to get on-board. He is so anti-therapy, you know.

Vickie

Vickie wrote:
On Apr 10, 5:51 am, "Stephanie" wrote:
"Vickie" wrote in message

...





Hey guys

It has been awhile since I posted.

Anyway I have to say I am way stressed.

My 5 year old daughter is going through some kind of crazy kid
phase. It is doing a number on me and my relationship with my
husband.

She is acting up, crying, tantrum throwing. An example would be
getting her to school in the morning. She flips out from the moment
I wake her, telling me that she is not getting up, not going. I
wrestle to get her into her clothes, she refuses to eat breakfast
and on it goes until we are always 5 to 10 minutes late for school.

When I take the "let's discuss it" route, it seems to confuse her
even more and gets worse.

At the moment she had a huge fit taking a bath and is screaming mama
and crying in her room.

My husband blames me for her behaviour. His idea is strict
punishment, which includes yelling at her and ending up scaring the
cr** out of her.

Needless to say, things are a rollercoaster ride right now. And
basically whatever mood the 5 year old is in, directs how my husband
and I will get along during the day.

It is a terrible way to live. The guilt I have for what my daughter
is turning into is overwhelming and I am doubting myself and my
methods every single moment.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just keep plugging along, but
some days, I just don't know.

I need advice on handling my daughter and discussing things with my
husband.

Thanks,
Vickie

Can you guess what I am going to say? (For the other
misc.kidsers, I am calling on some knowledge from another group.)

I know your hesitance. But it really is time for family counseling.
You and your husband have to get at least *near* the same page, not
on opposite ends of the planet. He wont go. So you go. Chookie's
thoughts are sound, that something else may be going on. The
somethign else may even *be* the difficulty between you and your
husband right now.

I thought of that also. That our tension might be making things worse
or something.


Your issues are too multifaceted and intertwined. IMO you need help
with a clearer view of what precisely the major issues are and what
some techniques may be to solve them.

Yeah. Therapy just keeps slipping down on the priority list.

If I did go though, and came up with a good plan of action, I hope DH
is willing to get on-board. He is so anti-therapy, you know.

Vickie


Negotiating that dynamic is one of the things to discuss with the therapist.

Vickie wrote:
On Apr 10, 4:39 am, Chookie wrote:

snipped


Oh dear, I am sorry! It's time to call Time Out and have some
literal and metaphorical deep breaths. Do the literal ones right now.

Can you and DH send her off to a relative or friend for a day so
that you have a chance to sit down and talk to each other about the
situation? Because you have different approaches, it will take a
while to work through.

Yes, although as Stephanie can vouch, my DH does not really *want* to
sit and discuss, unfortunately.



Would it be accurate to say that he perceives this as YOUR problem to fix,
and he is forced into the position of yelling and screaming by your lack of
parenting? Context for others.


Questions to ask of each other:
What exactly is happening? Is DD defiant, or is she hitting other
kids and taking their toys, or pulling the wings off butterflies?
Why do you think she is "turning into" something, and what is the
something?

We had some problems with middle daughter in the same regard. My
husband said he could not take it if she ended up acting the way
middle daughter did.


Is the bad behaviour only in particular circumstances, like only on
school days?

Her teacher tells me she does well in school. No real tantrums or
problems with her.

What things have worked, and what haven't? (I submit that neither
negotiating nor terrorising are going to help you much.) Is DD having
nightmares?

She suffers from occasional night terrors.

How is her health?

It was not so good this last month. Flu and pink-eye got her.


Secondly, contact your child's teacher and the school counsellor. Is
she the same at school, or different? How is she going with school
work and socially?

The teacher I am really close with. I also work at the school on
Wed. The teacher assures me that she is well-behaved at school.
On the days I do work, she is very clingy and she does have some bad
moments. So maybe it *is* me? The teacher says no, that she just is
trying to get what she wants because I am there. I don't know.

School work is fine, really good in fact, no worries for her or us.
Socially she seems fine.


The average child doesn't flip out from the moment they wake up. To
me, it sounds like she is very frightened of something at school. Is
that possible?

She is seriously afraid of injury. Since losing her second tooth at
school she has been having problems with going.

I tell ya, it gets exhausting trying to iron all this out! I never
know when I am pressing reasons on things where it just could be her
being in a defiant stage!

This is probably one of the hardest things my husband and I deal
with. He thinks she is *always* being defiant. I am usually trying
to find what it is that is bothering her and try to fix it.


Vickie

In article , Stephanie says...

Vickie wrote:
On Apr 10, 4:39 am, Chookie wrote:

snipped


Oh dear, I am sorry! It's time to call Time Out and have some
literal and metaphorical deep breaths. Do the literal ones right now.

Can you and DH send her off to a relative or friend for a day so
that you have a chance to sit down and talk to each other about the
situation? Because you have different approaches, it will take a
while to work through.

Yes, although as Stephanie can vouch, my DH does not really *want* to
sit and discuss, unfortunately.



Would it be accurate to say that he perceives this as YOUR problem to fix,
and he is forced into the position of yelling and screaming by your lack of
parenting? Context for others.


That's the impression I get from his statements about supposedly not being up to
behavior that the middle daughter had - childrearing is *her* project, and can
she please do it while keeping a household the way he wants.

Banty

On Apr 10, 8:54*am, "Stephanie" wrote:
Vickie wrote:
On Apr 10, 4:39 am, Chookie wrote:

snipped

Oh dear, I am sorry! It's time to call Time Out and have some
literal and metaphorical deep breaths. Do the literal ones right now.

Can you and DH send her off to a relative or friend for a day so
that you have a chance to sit down and talk to each other about the
situation? Because you have different approaches, it will take a
while to work through.

Yes, although as Stephanie can vouch, my DH does not really *want* to
sit and discuss, unfortunately.

Would it be accurate to say that he perceives this as YOUR problem to fix,
and he is forced into the position of yelling and screaming by your lack of
parenting? Context for others.


Yes. And has told me straight out it is my doing that she is the way
she is.

I just returned from dropping her off at school, which was another
ordeal again and spoke with her teacher....again. She gave me some
books to read to her, so I will give that a go.

I am gearing up to have a pow wow with husband this weekend. Trying
to figure out the best way to broach my thoughts and feelings without
getting him in defensive-mode. My biggest hope right now is that he
doesn't tell me, "It's not a good time,"

Vickie