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#21
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teenager breaking curfew
Well, at my house when I was 18, it didn't matter that I was old enough to make my own decisions, as I was supposed to be old enough to understand that walking in at 3 a.m. was also disruptive to the other members of the household, so respecting that fact was also a part of learning responsibility and respect for others. If I wound up spending the night with a friend, so be it, as long as my parents knew it was an unplanned possibility ("i.e. Hey mom, I might spend the night at Cindi's," so they didn't worry their heads off that I had been left for dead in a ditch. Are you talking about 3 a.m. as in waking people up, or 3 a.m. as in people worrying? �Simple care addresses the first concern, a cell phone and a set of rules about putting in calls addresses the second. �Neither needs a curfew. Ah, right. The car pulling into the driveway, slamming car doors, car alarm settings, creaky stairs, etc. won't wake anyone up ever? Some people are light sleepers or have a hard time getting back to sleep with either approach, especially when they hear someone sneaking through their house. They are more than likely to wake and see that these noises are occurring at the set curfew time and be able to be relaxed and nonjarred enough to fall back asleep however. It is my opinion that if a parent has a problem with any of these things, then they have the right to continue to enforce reasonable curfews. Obviously we disagree. |
#22
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teenager breaking curfew
On Mar 9, 7:15�pm, Jeff wrote:
Banty wrote: In article , Michelle J. Haines says... Banty wrote: I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint custody arrangement. �Do you? In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still have custody. �Take it down a notch there, Banty. Let's notch down together then, Michelle. �I was *asking*. �See - - ? �-- that's a question mark Banty In most states, if a child has graduated high school or has had a baby, the child is legally an adult. In any event, one of the things we don't know is the emotional maturity of the teenager. One can be legally an adult, but not emotionally ready. � There may be emotional maturity level here, too, although not necessarily with the teen. Jeff I agree. In our state, you are a legal adult at the age of 17, regardless as to circumstances. The laws are designed to not make it easy for a 17-year-old to have a go at it on their own however. For example, a 17-year-old can enter into a contract, such as in buying a car or renting an apartment, but unless they can prove they are emancipated, there is another law protecting them from having to be held liable for repayment of a loan; therefore, not many places will agree to doing business of this sort with a 17-year-old. Same for working hours, etc. It basically gives the mom and dad a little leverage for enticing the child to remain under their "rule" until they are more easily able to acquire what it is they need outside of "home." |
#23
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teenager breaking curfew
On Mar 9, 8:13Â*pm, Chris wrote:
Well, at my house when I was 18, it didn't matter that I was old enough to make my own decisions, as I was supposed to be old enough to understand that walking in at 3 a.m. was also disruptive to the other members of the household, so respecting that fact was also a part of learning responsibility and respect for others. If I wound up spending the night with a friend, so be it, as long as my parents knew it was an unplanned possibility ("i.e. Hey mom, I might spend the night at Cindi's," so they didn't worry their heads off that I had been left for dead in a ditch. Are you talking about 3 a.m. as in waking people up, or 3 a.m. as in people worrying? �Simple care addresses the first concern, a cell phone and a set of rules about putting in calls addresses the second. �Neither needs a curfew. Ah, right. The car pulling into the driveway, slamming car doors, car alarm settings, creaky stairs, etc. won't wake anyone up ever? Some people are light sleepers or have a hard time getting back to sleep with either approach, especially when they hear someone sneaking through their house. They are more than likely to wake and see that these noises are occurring at the set curfew time and be able to be relaxed and nonjarred enough to fall back asleep however. It is my opinion that if a parent has a problem with any of these things, then they have the right to continue to enforce reasonable curfews. Obviously we disagree.- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - My college-aged BIL needed a place to live so he could follow his girlfriend around -- guess what -- we had rules, and they included not coming in at all hours of the night out of respect for us and our sleeping children, among others. You don't necessarily have the right to do as you please under someone else's roof, period, whether it be mom and dad's, Aunt Jane's, or your brother's/sister's. Different people are going to have differing tolerance levels, period, on many different issues. My guess is that if she knew she deserved a longer curfew, while Dad is not against one, she would be asking to move in with Dad (a whole 'nother can of worms however involved with this sort of switch too). |
#24
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teenager breaking curfew
On Sun, 09 Mar 2008 18:51:33 GMT, Jeff
wrote: As an aside, I wish to add: I do think that it helps kids if the rules are pretty consistent from house to house. For example, similar bed times and similar consequences for hitting siblings. I said as an aside, because in most cases, the rules are consistent enough. I do also wish to add that it is appropriate for some punishments to carry over to other houses. For example, if a child knew that if he didn't get that report he had 3 weeks to finish done on time, then he would not be allowed to watch TV, then that punishment should carry from one house to the other. Of course, the key here is communication between the parents. Jeff Yes, I agree that rules *should* be consistent between houses. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way! In your example I can see it making sense that *some* consequences can carry over. In my example I was thinking of the time my son rode his bicycle outside his boundary. He was restricted for several days but when he went to his dad's for the weekend I didn't expect his dad to keep him restricted at his house. Nan |
#25
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teenager breaking curfew
"Michelle J. Haines" wrote in message ... Banty wrote: I'm even wondering if you still actually by your state's rules have a joint custody arrangement. Do you? In some states the age of majority is not until 19, so if he lives in one of those, then the girl isn't an adult and they probably do still have custody. Take it down a notch there, Banty. The OP is from Canada. |
#26
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teenager breaking curfew
Banty wrote:
In article , Chris says... On Mar 9, 10:53=EF=BF=BDam, Tony wrote: G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. Basically, to be on the same page. I disagree. I don't have as many problems with my daughter as does my ex-wife. Which of you has more problems isn't relevant. It is pretty common for girls to get along better with their dads than with their moms. Advice? Is it possible that she broke curfew BECAUSE she just turned 18? Maybe she thought it was time for her not to have one anymore. She should have talked to her mom about it though. Your wife has a choice now of kicking your daughter out if she doesn't abide by the rules, or not. \ Well, at my house when I was 18, it didn't matter that I was old enough to make my own decisions, as I was supposed to be old enough to understand that walking in at 3 a.m. was also disruptive to the other members of the household, so respecting that fact was also a part of learning responsibility and respect for others. If I wound up spending the night with a friend, so be it, as long as my parents knew it was an unplanned possibility ("i.e. Hey mom, I might spend the night at Cindi's," so they didn't worry their heads off that I had been left for dead in a ditch. Are you talking about 3 a.m. as in waking people up, or 3 a.m. as in people worrying? Simple care addresses the first concern, a cell phone and a set of rules about putting in calls addresses the second. Neither needs a curfew. When my son was 18 (and he was still in high school then), I used to worry whenever I heard sirens if he wasn't home yet. It wouldn't have occurred to me to punish him or to set a curfew. At my house, 100% freedom to do as I pleased only came when I got my first apartment at almost 19. Heck, the only time I ever felt the freedom to do as I pleased was when I lived alone ;-) Which isn't now. Of course there needs to be respect for the household and one has to work around others' needs. Still doesn't need a curfew. When I was living at home as an adult, my mom and I discussed the rules and agreed on them. When my children or grandchildren visit, we talk about the schedule among other things. If one of the parties worries then some account needs to be taken of that but it does NOT have to mean that there is a curfew or that the worried about person doesn't have some autonomy. It can be as simple as saying that you will leave a text message if you are going to be out late or spend the night. So that the worried person can see what is happening and be reassured without being able to complain about it. |
#27
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teenager breaking curfew
"Tony" wrote in message ... G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. What is this "punishment", exactly? I'm curious how you'd punish an 18-year-old. What a terrible idea and word, "punishment" - it chafed me to even type it. |
#28
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teenager breaking curfew
On Mar 9, 11:32*pm, "deja.blues" wrote:
"Tony" wrote in message ... G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. What is this "punishment", exactly? *I'm curious how you'd punish an 18-year-old. What a terrible idea and word, "punishment" - it chafed me to even type it.. An obvious punishment for not coming home on time on one Friday night would be prohibition on any social outings for say a week, just as one would punish unsafe driving by taking away the car keys for some period of time. If the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become financially independent and move out. |
#29
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teenager breaking curfew
Beliavsky wrote in
ps.com: On Mar 9, 11:32*pm, "deja.blues" wrote: "Tony" wrote in message egroups.com... G'morning. I just joined this group looking for some advice. My ex-wife & I have joint custody of my teenage daughter who just turned 18 this past week. Sometime last fall, she broke curfew at my place & I punished her accordingly. Now she's broken curfew at her mom's. My ex-wife wants to punish my daughter & wishes that I 'match' the same punishment at my place. What is this "punishment", exactly? *I'm curious how you'd punish an 18-year-old. What a terrible idea and word, "punishment" - it chafed me to even type it. An obvious punishment for not coming home on time on one Friday night would be prohibition on any social outings for say a week, just as one would punish unsafe driving by taking away the car keys for some period of time. If the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become financially independent and move out. assuming the 18 year old was interested in "social outings", i suppose. what if she has a job? how do you ground her? lee -- Last night while sitting in my chair I pinged a host that wasn't there It wasn't there again today The host resolved to NSA. |
#30
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teenager breaking curfew
On Mar 10, 9:53*am, enigma wrote:
Beliavsky wrote ps.com: snip What is this "punishment", exactly? *I'm curious how you'd punish an 18-year-old. What a terrible idea and word, "punishment" - it chafed me to even type it. An obvious punishment for not coming home on time on one Friday night would be prohibition on any social outings for say a week, just as one would punish unsafe driving by taking away the car keys for some period of time. If the rules chafe, the 18yo can think of it as incentive to become financially independent and move out. *assuming the 18 year old was interested in "social outings", i suppose. what if she has a job? how do you ground her? I did not say I would. If the curfew is 12 midnight and she comes at 3am, that does not mean she can't work at a 9am to 5pm job, but she would be expected to come home directly after work during the "grounding" period. |
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