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Parent in the Hospital
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth, my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place. So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon. But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't make anyone happy. So what to do? The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it, didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that left myself and her best friend (who is on our street). They are understanding and accommodating, so I we came to an understanding that I would only visit this week when she could stay with her friend. Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and won't even play with that friend if she is with another kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one. She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else who happens to drop by the house. So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy, and I think she needed some familiar ground for awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates herself for too long, then it will have the opposite effect on her emotional health, especially if she burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back to multiple, comfortable friends? Thanks. SM |
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Parent in the Hospital
P. Tierney wrote:
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter. It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping you busy :-( In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth, my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place. So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon. But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't make anyone happy. So what to do? If I'm understanding you correctly, then your daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down, I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange. I think it's really essential to get her back up on the horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the groundwork and then provide a lot of support. I think this is what I'd do in your shoes: 1) Build up the rehab center as somewhere nice and friendly and welcoming and not scary. Make much of how this is a new place, and build up this opportunity to visit Mommy. 2) Explain to her that Mommy is doing much better and misses her and is ready for a visit. If there are really obvious things that she needs to know about Mom's condition before she visits, explain those, but make a lot more fuss about all the things about Mom that are the same. 3) Give her a job. Have her bring some things to decorate Mommy's room or something like that. This will give her something to focus on, rather than imagining all the things that could be scary. 4) Make the first visit very short. Let her do her job, whatever it is, and then leave (unless she's the one asking to stay). It's okay if it's short. You'll work up to longer visits as she's more comfortable. 5) Present a very upbeat and positive attitude yourself. I know you're likely run ragged and worried yourself, which makes it hard, but don't worry too much about preparing her for all the bad or possibly scary things. Kids are much more resilient than you think, and when you spend too much time trying to prepare her for all the possible bad things, you're just ratcheting up her anxiety level. She probably imagines things are much worse than they are. You've got a natural "break" here where you can visibly shift your attitude (if necessary) and give a much brighter picture. Once you have a successful short visit or two, I think things will likely start going swimmingly. Try to get her visits on a schedule, so it's a regular thing to look forward to. It may be helpful to give her a job that she does consistently at each visit (change/update Mommy's flowers, bring a new picture she's drawn to put in a frame, or whatever). Get some rituals going to give her something to hang on to. The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it, didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that left myself and her best friend (who is on our street). They are understanding and accommodating, so I we came to an understanding that I would only visit this week when she could stay with her friend. Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and won't even play with that friend if she is with another kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one. She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else who happens to drop by the house. So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy, and I think she needed some familiar ground for awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates herself for too long, then it will have the opposite effect on her emotional health, especially if she burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back to multiple, comfortable friends? I think you may be over-interpreting a bit. I agree that she probably wants to exert some control; however, I'm not so sure that it's because she's desperately in need of consistency or that she feels unsafe. In fact, by playing into this by trying to be very careful of her emotional health and moving mountains to ensure that she only stays with one caregiver, you may be making her more brittle. I'm not meaning to downplay the stresses she's likely under, or any fears she might actually have. But I think most experts agree that in situations like this, it actually becomes very important to maintain the same expectations for behavior and other usual routines. Do make more time for her yourself, and give her safe outlets to express her feelings and such, but when you lower the expectations for behavior or cede to her too much of your parental authority, that's actually very unsettling for a child. It tells her that things are *SO* bad that you are unable or unwilling to parent! Wow, that *must* be really bad--worse than she imagined! I would schedule the caregivers that you would normally schedule and then expect her to cope. Devise a schedule and share it with her. Include things on the schedule that she will be looking forward to, and also who she'll be with while you're away. Build things up in a positive way (without making too big a deal of them) and tell her you know she can do this. She may throw a fit when you leave her, but you must have confidence in her ability to do this. She may also need to see that she can throw a fit and everything is still okay--you can manage, her caregiver can manage, and most importantly, *she* can manage. Get her back on her foundations as far as expectations go. *YOU* need to be understanding and making allowances for the stress she's under (i.e., don't wig out if she's a bit off her game and give her plenty of time and opportunities to talk and work through her frustrations), but *she* needs to feel like her world is still in order and she understands how to work within it. What was unacceptable behavior before should be unacceptable behavior now. We went through lots of this sort of stuff when my older ones were around this age, though it was with older generations rather than with parents. Kids can be very understanding of hospitals and rehab centers and nursing homes and even some pretty severe physical and mental issues. You just have to take things in stride yourself (which, of course, is hard when you're going through the stresses of caregiving and dealing with hospitals and doctors and all that). It will all work out if you have faith in her competence. Hope this helps some, Ericka |
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Parent in the Hospital
Ericka Kammerer wrote: If I'm understanding you correctly, then your daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down, I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange. I think it's really essential to get her back up on the horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the groundwork and then provide a lot of support. I think this is what I'd do in your shoes: snip list You might also try getting a cam and filming mom in the rehab center, waving and saying hello to DD. Have DD make her own video for her mom too. Or if you can set up a webcam thing where they can communicate and see each other, without DD having to go to the center itself, that would be even better. This approach may make DD less intimidated about going to see her mom in person. She can get a good idea of what the place is like before she has to set foot in the place itself. jen |
#4
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Parent in the Hospital
"P. Tierney" wrote in message news My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. I have no help to offer, but wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope your wife is on the road to a complete recovery, and that you have the support you need. Bizby |
#5
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Parent in the Hospital
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says... P. Tierney wrote: I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter. It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping you busy :-( In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth, my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place. So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon. But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't make anyone happy. So what to do? If I'm understanding you correctly, then your daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down, I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange. I think it's really essential to get her back up on the horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the groundwork and then provide a lot of support. It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and show it to your daughter. Banty -- |
#6
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Parent in the Hospital
On Mon, 29 May 2006 10:56:19 -0400, "P. Tierney"
wrote: I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter. It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. I'm so sorry :-( I've been wondering where you were. Nan |
#7
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Parent in the Hospital
I'll add some other information while I have a moment:
-- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her (after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like, though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks, so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings to complicate things. -- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not going to see mom." -- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what she was looking at. -- I would say that she does have the same expectations of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards. Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically. P. Tierney |
#8
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Parent in the Hospital
"P. Tierney" wrote in message news I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter. It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated. My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard to say how far she will come back. (...) I am very sorry to hear this. I hope your wife is able to make a complete recovery. This must have been very hard on you and your kids. Is it possible for your wife to come home for a period, perhaps a few hours, and more times as she gets better? Or perhaps, with the nice weather, your wife could go outside at the rehab center, and you and your kids could meet her outside. That might be easier for the kids. This is something you should certainly bring up with the staff at the rehab center, and perhaps with your kids' pediatrician. I am thinking that they will be able to connect you to people who can help you deal with this crisis and help you help your kids. Jeff |
#9
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Parent in the Hospital
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Ericka Kammerer says... (...) It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and show it to your daughter. Also, have your daughter and son make get well cards, pictures, etc., and put them up in mommy's room. When they do see her, it will be something familar and help things along. Jeff Banty -- |
#10
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Parent in the Hospital
P. Tierney wrote:
I'll add some other information while I have a moment: -- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her (after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like, though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks, so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings to complicate things. -- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not going to see mom." My hunch would be that this is about her being afraid her Mommy won't be the same/won't love her the same/will be scary in some way. -- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what she was looking at. This may have contributed to the above, a bit. Kids don't have all the context we do as adults to connect up a person with a picture. If she saw a "normal" picture of her mother, it would still be so different from her *real* mother because it's just a remote, unemotional representation of her mother. It doesn't embody anything that's of much importance to her about her mother. When she *sees* and *talks to* her mother, only then will she have some feeling of reconnection and of hope that her Mommy is still the Mommy she loves and who loves her. I think if you can get her in there so she can start to reconnect, you'll see a big difference. You don't want to drag her in kicking and screaming, but I think there are good odds that if you give her (or help her choose) a job so that she can go in and do her job and leave. She might feel comfortable enough with such concrete expectations that she'll go willingly. I wouldn't play up how much Mommy misses her, as that might make her feel conflicted because she's not sure she can be what Mommy needs. -- I would say that she does have the same expectations of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards. Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically. But if it was some benign circumstance that had caused her to have to do this (let's say you had chosen to do some part-time work outside the home or something like that), would you have cut her the same slack with limiting care providers or shutting out friends or things like that? Or would you have expected that she learn to cope with these things? I'm not saying you've abandoned her parenting-wise. I'm just asking if it's possible that you're trying to do too much to accommodate her due to the current stresses--and if in trying to do so, you're conveying the message that you don't have confidence in her ability to cope with the situation. I think you do have to be understanding of her predicament, but at the same time I don't think you need to accommodate her desire for control in these areas. Even the way you're framing the issue ("having to repeatedly stay with others when she's unwilling") speaks to a kind of negativity. I know that this situation is difficult and I'm not saying that you should just sweep all the bad stuff under the carpet. No doubt she's missing her mom. But why isn't getting to stay with other people a fun adventure to be looked forward to? (Yeah, I know, a bit Pollyanna, but how you frame the issue matters ;-) ) She's a four and a half year old. She really can do this, even though it will stretch her a bit and isn't the way you would have planned for her. Since summer is coming, what about the possibility of finding a half day summer camp for a week or two or something like that? That might get some consistency and fun in a pleasurable way for her while affording you some time to visit mom yourself and deal with the various things you need to deal with. I don't know if the timing would work out, though. Around here, many of the camps like that book up well in advance. Best wishes, Ericka |
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