Need to talk to someone (long)

How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore. I'm dreading my
DP going back to work. I'm tired and weary and I'm fed up with having to
carry DS about in order that he doesn't cry. It's difficult going out to any
other venue cos DS was vaccinated with an icicle and any temp over 16oC
overheats him and he starts screaming unless he's almost naked. It makes
him look like a horrible baby, which he isn't. We've been told not to let
him scream because of his hernia problem. He seems to need to be played
with from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. I can't
get anything done in the house. It looks like a tip and we're not
houseproud people so a tip means a tip. It depresses me but it seems to be
becoming such an enormous task to try and tackle it that I'm putting it off
all the time. When DS does go to bed in the evening - later and later - I'm
so tired that I don't then want to start tidying stuff up. I can't ask for
help cos no-one else knows where I want to put all the stuff. If I have to
stand there saying where it's all to go I might as well do it myself. I don
't want to have friends round cos when he screams I get embarrassed. If I
leave him to cry then they look at you like you're a bad mother plus I
believe that baby only cries when they need something - how else can they
communicate. But sometimes I've ticked the list of everything it could be
and I don't know what else to do. Then if you sit there playing with him
all the time, they think you're obsessed and being soft. My back and
shoulders ache so much from carrying him about all day. He won't just sit
on my lap he has to be physically carried and jiggled, screaming in my ear
til he feels like stopping. I don't feel confident carrying on my left side
so my right side is buggered. I don't sleep well at night cos my back hurts
so much. The skin through 270o of my breasts is red, broken itchy and
painful and this too makes sleeping a fitful experience. The itchy has
spread to my nipples and I'm getting slight stabby pains again in my breasts
so I think the thrush is on the comeback. My partner is the kindest, most
considerate, most lovely person I could ever have hoped to share my life
with but if he even mentions sex I freeze cos my body just can't take any
more demands. I do absolutely nothing except look after a baby, and I mean
nothing. Half the time I don't even brush my hair cos I will the world not
to come to my door. I feel a complete mess yet I don't have the strength
nor willpower to do anything about it. I can't be bothered cooking nor even
thinking about what we've got to eat. I just snack on rubbish when I
realise that I've missed lunch again. I'd just like a rest but you can't
stop being a mum can you. I'm ****ed off at everything - the slightest
thing just makes me swear and my blood boil. I can't tell anyone cos I'm
not the sort of person that doesn't cope. I've had a career, I've always
been strong in the face of adversity, folk come to me when they're in
trouble not the other way round. I know this will pass and I expect we'll
look back and only remember the good bits but right now I feel as though I
might not make it to that ripe old age. I don't know what to do. I just
sit here and cry whilst rocking the baby, hoping that my PC can make sense
of my typos and correct them for me before the world sees how far I've
slipped. He's 6.5 months old now - you'd think I'd have worked it out by
now.

Thanks for being there when I don't want there to be a world outside my
window.

--Alison

Hugs to you! You do sound like you need to schedule a visit with your doctor.
Would n't hurt. In the meantime, I have a couple of suggestions for you.

1) do take offers of people helping around the house. Let them hold the baby
and you put stuff away rather than standing there telling them what to do. Or
just start pitching. When you get your mind into it, a massive declutter will
also help declutter your mind! Designate a pile for giving away and a pile for
throwing away, and do it within 48 hours!

2) if that seems daunting, do try to get outside and get some exercise with a
stroller or sling. Or have someone care for your child while you get alone
time. It doens't really sound like you are asking for a break from your baby,
tho, so just try and get a change of scenery for about 15-20 minutes each day
if you can.

3) Stock up on lunch meat, precut veggies, frozen casseroles or quick fix
dinners. You won't have to think about what to make that way.

4) if you do find out that you need medication to help you cope, there is no
shame in it. Many meds are safe for breastfeeding, including Paxil, Zoloft,
and my personal favorite Effexor.

Hang in there!

Alison wrote:
How do you know when you've got PND?

Sounds to me like you do.

I can't ask for help cos no-one else knows where I want to
put all the stuff. If I have to stand there saying where it's all to
go I might as well do it myself.

Yes, but after 3 times, presumably the putter-awayer will figure it out. Or
you can leave them to find their own method for the non-essential stuff,
while you take a nice hot bath, or go for a walk.

I believe that baby
only cries when they need something

Babies cry when they need things, but just because they're crying, it
doesn't mean they need something. Is he on any solids yet (or is there
anything else that could be giving him an upset tummy)?

Then if you sit there playing with him
all the time, they think you're obsessed and being soft.

Yeah, my MIL is amused that it takes two of us to take care of one baby.

I think the thrush is on the comeback.

Sounds like it to me, too. Can you get it treated?

I do absolutely nothing except look after a
baby, and I mean nothing.

You got out of bed. Probably got dressed. Found something to eat. And
taking care of a high-needs baby is a *huge* something to accomplish.

I'd just like a rest but you can't stop being a mum can you.

Do you have some sort of Mother's Day Out program near you? Or a teenager
trustworthy to babysit? You can certainly put it on hold for a few hours
for the sake of your sanity, and never mind anyone who tells you they
couldn't bear to be separated from their baby for an afternoon - they don't
have your baby, and you don't have theirs.

Hand the baby off to someone, put on a hat (covers unkempt hair), go for a
long walk in the fresh air, come back in and call for an appointment to get
the PND treated.

*hugs*

Phoebe
--
yahoo address is unread; substitute mailbolt

Alison wrote in message ...
How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore. I'm dreading
my
DP going back to work. I'm tired and weary and I'm fed up with having to
carry DS about in order that he doesn't cry.

Oh my goodness woman!! You sound like you need a break and a good cry!
Your son sounds like he is a high-needs baby; I have one of those. She is
also my last child lol. I also had many days where my hair never got
brushed, I literally held and had to entertain my daughter all day. She
didn't nap well alone until she was older so there were no breaks during the
day either. I can tell you what helped me.
The number one help was/is dh. Does he spend time with your son to give you
time to do things? Many of us perfectly understand your feelings about sex
during this time.
Then there was the Snugli, my daughter loved to be carried facing frontwards
in it, all day long. I did absolutely everything I could in it. Lots of
women swear by the sling, but I never could get the hang of it. You should
try it. I know it's still holding the baby, but at least you'll have your
hands free (to brush your hair ;o)
I liked to do bulk shopping and cook up alot of meals at once and freeze
them. That really really cuts time off of cooking.
As for cleaning, I honestly just let it go, and did what had to be done. We
moved from a two bedroom apartment to a 3 bedroom house when my daughter was
3 months old. She was 8 months old before I got everything unpacked and the
house was cleaned.
Would you let someone babysit for you? You could have some time to do
whatever between feedings. Whenever dh takes the kids away I take a shower,
woohoo!
And another important thing as you've found is just venting to someone. That
always takes the edge off.
I would say to see a doctor about PND. There are safe meds to take while
breastfeeding.
I hope it gets easier for you soon! I know how it is about the friends, it
seems like most everyone we are related to and friends with wonder what we
did wrong with this baby. And it *can* be embarassing to have to sit and
bounce, or walk, or constantly nurse to keep the baby happy, when there is
their baby laying there quietly all the time! I hated having company when my
daughter was younger, and I hated going visiting with her. It was such a
struggle.
Marie

"Alison" o.uk wrote in message ...
How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore.

Alison: It doesn't better if it's PND or not; if you feel you can't
cope, and you have felt that way for more than a few days, I think you
should speak to a professional about it. Can you do that?

I'm dreading my
DP going back to work. I'm tired and weary and I'm fed up with having to
carry DS about in order that he doesn't cry. It's difficult going out to any
other venue cos DS was vaccinated with an icicle and any temp over 16oC
overheats him and he starts screaming unless he's almost naked. It makes
him look like a horrible baby, which he isn't. We've been told not to let
him scream because of his hernia problem. He seems to need to be played
with from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. I can't
get anything done in the house.

What would happen if you put him on the kitchen floor next to you and
pulled out the pots and pans drawer? Does he have an exercauser or
walker? Is the weather amenable to you taking him on walks? If not,
how about going to a mall with him in the stroller?

Is he crawling yet? I think it can be hard for a baby of about your
DS's age when they are not quite able to get around yet. IIRC, that
was not my babies' happiest time of life -- they're stuck, and they're
just old enough to realize it. It's quite possible that once he is
mobile, he will start crawling away from you getting into all kinds of
trouble on his own. That will, of course, lead to it own new set of
challenges for you, but at least he will be amusing himself for a
change.

It looks like a tip and we're not
houseproud people so a tip means a tip. It depresses me but it seems to be
becoming such an enormous task to try and tackle it that I'm putting it off
all the time. When DS does go to bed in the evening - later and later - I'm
so tired that I don't then want to start tidying stuff up. I can't ask for
help cos no-one else knows where I want to put all the stuff.

Not even your partner?

If I have to
stand there saying where it's all to go I might as well do it myself. I don
't want to have friends round cos when he screams I get embarrassed.

Don't they have kids? if they do, then they will likely not think
anything of it. Because kids do scream.

If I
leave him to cry then they look at you like you're a bad mother plus I
believe that baby only cries when they need something - how else can they
communicate. But sometimes I've ticked the list of everything it could be
and I don't know what else to do.

Is his crankiness new? Just asking in case there might be a physical
cause.

Then if you sit there playing with him
all the time, they think you're obsessed and being soft.

Who cares?! I know it can be hard (believe me, I know; I am not one to
let criticism of my parenting roll off my back easily), but you have
to develop some backbone about your parenting style and method. You
have to do what works for you and DS, and to hell with anyone who
wants to cast aspersions. There will always be such people -- look at
the wide range of often contradictory but very strongly held opinions
voiced on MK, MKM, and MKB.

My back and
shoulders ache so much from carrying him about all day. He won't just sit
on my lap he has to be physically carried and jiggled, screaming in my ear
til he feels like stopping.

Does he tolerate a stroller or carriage? Do you have a sling or
similar carrier? I don't prefer using carriers for bigger babies, but
it might help you. I have carried 2 and 3 YOs in my sling without it
hurting my back.

I don't feel confident carrying on my left side
so my right side is buggered. I don't sleep well at night cos my back hurts
so much. The skin through 270o of my breasts is red, broken itchy and
painful and this too makes sleeping a fitful experience. The itchy has
spread to my nipples and I'm getting slight stabby pains again in my breasts
so I think the thrush is on the comeback.

Yikes, you're going to get that taken care of, right?

My partner is the kindest, most
considerate, most lovely person I could ever have hoped to share my life
with but if he even mentions sex I freeze cos my body just can't take any
more demands. I do absolutely nothing except look after a baby, and I mean
nothing.

That can be very demoralizing. What do you like to do that you could
do either with DS or when he sleeps? Don't you have any friends you
could meet for coffee with the baby? Do you have access to any
babysitters, so you might go out with your partner briefly and see the
world as a grownup? Or can you leave Ds with your partner sometimes
and even just take a walk or, better yet, see a movie or a friend?

Half the time I don't even brush my hair cos I will the world not
to come to my door.

You need to take care of yourself. Put the baby in his crib with some
safe toys and take a shower. Forget sex for now; that can wait.

I feel a complete mess yet I don't have the strength
nor willpower to do anything about it.

Please talk to a doctor.

I can't be bothered cooking nor even
thinking about what we've got to eat. I just snack on rubbish when I
realise that I've missed lunch again. I'd just like a rest but you can't
stop being a mum can you.

No, and when it isn't going well, it can be the most harrowing job in
the world. It is so relentless.

I'm ****ed off at everything - the slightest
thing just makes me swear and my blood boil. I can't tell anyone cos I'm
not the sort of person that doesn't cope. I've had a career, I've always
been strong in the face of adversity, folk come to me when they're in
trouble not the other way round. I know this will pass and I expect we'll
look back and only remember the good bits but right now I feel as though I
might not make it to that ripe old age. I don't know what to do. I just
sit here and cry whilst rocking the baby,

First talk to your partner about it and ask him for immediate help,
then talk to a professional. And take care of yourself. Please get
yourself up and out. I hope you will let us know how you're doing
again soon!

hoping that my PC can make sense
of my typos and correct them for me before the world sees how far I've
slipped. He's 6.5 months old now - you'd think I'd have worked it out by
now.

Thanks for being there when I don't want there to be a world outside my
window.

--Alison

Alison wrote:
How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore.

(1) I learned to let other people do stuff in
the house when I got put on bedrest and _had_
to depend on other people to wash my dishes and
put them away (ALWAYS in the wrong cupboard, but
what matter?). You just have to get to a place
inside you to be able to accept that. (Believe
me, I know that's difficult; I have always hated
someone else working in my kitchen, even DH.)

(2) Can you put the baby in the stroller inside
your home? When I'm tired of holding Pillbug, I
sit him in the stroller and wheel him to wherever
I am, whatever I'm doing. He finds it fun, too,
to be wheeled in the dining room or family room
or whatnot.

(3) DO NOT pay attention to other people's
comments on how you are raising your child. We
all hear this all the time (you're holding your
baby too much; let him cry; give him formula)
and you just gotta find it in yourself to get
past that.

(4) Only have friends over who have children.
They've been there. Don't you find it now that
you don't mind other babies who are crying? That
you have a new understanding of what's going on
in that family's dynamics? I find that I no longer
mind when babies cry in restaurants; I barely
notice anymore.

(5) My house is a mess. I've come to accept it.
There's dust bunnies EVERYWHERE. My excuse is
that Pillbug is afraid of the vacuum cleaner, so
I'm just not going to vacuum unless someone can
take him out of the house.

(6) We've all been there with the lack of
hygiene... There have been times when a
planned shower takes 10 hours to execute. It
gets better when all the other stuff gets better.

-- Anita --
--
SUCCESS FOUR FLIGHTS THURSDAY MORNING ALL AGAINST
TWENTY ONE MILE WIND STARTED FROM LEVEL WITH ENGINE
POWER ALONE AVERAGE SPEED THROUGH AIR THIRTY ONE
MILES LONGEST 57 SECONDS INFORM PRESS HOME CHRISTMAS.

Alison, you need help... and I mean that in the nicest way possible!

Read what the others wrote - they all have really good suggestions. Take
what suits you.

It is really important that you get to a doctor for both your physical and
mental wellbeing.

You don't really mention your DP all that much... Why is it all up to you
to hold and comfort and occupy your son all day?

He needs to read your post. It is really important for him to realise JUST
how you feel - not some vague idea. He is your PARTNER... not just some guy
who pats you on the back and tells you you're doing a good job. Why can't
HE cook and clean and make your doctor's appointment, and brush your hair,
and get you into a bath if you can't do it yourself?

You did a great thing in posting because you can now see that YES you do
need help - no you're not insane! Others have been through it too...

Please keep us updated!

*hugs*

Jo

--
Babies are Born... Pizzas are delivered.

I think sometimes antidepressants can prop up situational depression until
the situation improves, but if I had a child who needed nonstop play and
motion like yours I would be at my wit's end also with a house even more
messy than I do have it. And this would make me very depressed, but not the
kind of depression that they say is a disease (or PND which is often from
thyroid antibodies); the kind of depression that will lift one day when your
son wakes up and is not high maintenance and you see that you can dig
yourself out.

Most important thing is that you preserve your health and your son's health
so that you guys will be ready for that sunny day. If that means you go on
antidepressants, sure. If it means you can hang on without them, sure.

I think you sound very strong -- attachment parenting such a needy child is
hard work, and your post indicates you are still doing that job, making it a
priority and saying the hell with the rest. And that is what we have to do
sometimes as a parent.

Hang in there.

-- Dagny

"Alison" o.uk wrote in message ...
How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore. I'm dreading my
DP going back to work. I'm tired and weary and I'm fed up with having to
carry DS about in order that he doesn't cry.
snip

Poor thing, our babies are about the same age I think. I have pits
and troughs of mood and my house is a mess, a real mess with cats wee
in the hall that I am too tired to clean every day. (she is jealous of
the baby). I feel ok when I think - 'sod it'. Try not to beat
yourself up about it, so what if the house is messy. Babies are
bloody hard work, especially IMO for attachment parents as we give up
everything for them. Moo boy is a limpet too and I have a sling for
him (and a terrible back!)

I can't ask for
help cos no-one else knows where I want to put all the stuff.

you can if you give up caring about where it goes, I'd acccept any
help going. Could you write a list for someone? Plates go on top
shelf etc...

snip
Then if you sit there playing with him
all the time, they think you're obsessed and being soft.

What other people think is not important, if we all bothered about
what people thought we'd have our babies on formula and solids on day
2. Its good for babies ot be played iwth all the time, how would you
like to be ignored and sat in front of the TV all day?

snip
I know this will pass and I expect we'll
look back and only remember the good bits but right now I feel as though I
might not make it to that ripe old age. I don't know what to do. I just
sit here and cry whilst rocking the baby, hoping that my PC can make sense
of my typos and correct them for me before the world sees how far I've
slipped. He's 6.5 months old now - you'd think I'd have worked it out by
now.

I know the feeling and it does get better, my coping strategies
include; daytime naps with the baby when I go to sleep too, trying to
get out for a walk everyday (with the sling as he screams in the
pushchair). Is there anyone else he will accept comfort from?

teapot

Alison
Small bit of info. I'm not sure what his "hernia problem" is, but a friend
of mine had
a baby who screamed and cried and need her full attention round the clock
almost
driving her to distraction. After many months they discovered the baby had a
hernia that
was causing her discomfort. After it was repaired, the her daughter settled
down, slept
well, was much less demanding, thereby changing the mood in their entire
home for the better.
Nancy




"Alison" o.uk wrote in
message ...
How do you know when you've got PND? I can't cope anymore. I'm dreading
my
DP going back to work. I'm tired and weary and I'm fed up with having to
carry DS about in order that he doesn't cry. It's difficult going out to
any
other venue cos DS was vaccinated with an icicle and any temp over 16oC
overheats him and he starts screaming unless he's almost naked. It makes
him look like a horrible baby, which he isn't. We've been told not to let
him scream because of his hernia problem. He seems to need to be played
with from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. I can't
get anything done in the house. It looks like a tip and we're not
houseproud people so a tip means a tip. It depresses me but it seems to
be
becoming such an enormous task to try and tackle it that I'm putting it
off
all the time. When DS does go to bed in the evening - later and later -
I'm
so tired that I don't then want to start tidying stuff up. I can't ask
for
help cos no-one else knows where I want to put all the stuff. If I have to
stand there saying where it's all to go I might as well do it myself. I
don
't want to have friends round cos when he screams I get embarrassed. If I
leave him to cry then they look at you like you're a bad mother plus I
believe that baby only cries when they need something - how else can they
communicate. But sometimes I've ticked the list of everything it could be
and I don't know what else to do. Then if you sit there playing with him
all the time, they think you're obsessed and being soft. My back and
shoulders ache so much from carrying him about all day. He won't just sit
on my lap he has to be physically carried and jiggled, screaming in my ear
til he feels like stopping. I don't feel confident carrying on my left
side
so my right side is buggered. I don't sleep well at night cos my back
hurts
so much. The skin through 270o of my breasts is red, broken itchy and
painful and this too makes sleeping a fitful experience. The itchy has
spread to my nipples and I'm getting slight stabby pains again in my
breasts
so I think the thrush is on the comeback. My partner is the kindest, most
considerate, most lovely person I could ever have hoped to share my life
with but if he even mentions sex I freeze cos my body just can't take any
more demands. I do absolutely nothing except look after a baby, and I
mean
nothing. Half the time I don't even brush my hair cos I will the world
not
to come to my door. I feel a complete mess yet I don't have the strength
nor willpower to do anything about it. I can't be bothered cooking nor
even
thinking about what we've got to eat. I just snack on rubbish when I
realise that I've missed lunch again. I'd just like a rest but you can't
stop being a mum can you. I'm ****ed off at everything - the slightest
thing just makes me swear and my blood boil. I can't tell anyone cos I'm
not the sort of person that doesn't cope. I've had a career, I've always
been strong in the face of adversity, folk come to me when they're in
trouble not the other way round. I know this will pass and I expect we'll
look back and only remember the good bits but right now I feel as though I
might not make it to that ripe old age. I don't know what to do. I just
sit here and cry whilst rocking the baby, hoping that my PC can make sense
of my typos and correct them for me before the world sees how far I've
slipped. He's 6.5 months old now - you'd think I'd have worked it out by
now.

Thanks for being there when I don't want there to be a world outside my
window.

--Alison