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#81
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
wrote in message ps.com... What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother, even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me breastfeed. She might not appreciate that. So? She can build a bridge and cope. That would fall under the category of "this is our house and there are things here that are not open to discussion." Unless you're breastfeeding her teenage son. That's an entirely different story. Yes, I'm kidding. Kinda. So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it. But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little uncomfortable. I'm a stepmother too. Breastfeeding your child in your own home in a way that's comfortable for you is so something that shouldn't even come up for discussion between you and your SS's BM. Circle of control, different households, all that. Jess |
#82
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
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#83
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
Rosalie B. wrote: "Jamie Clark" wrote: wrote: Wow - you and I should become friends! I have 4 step-kids as well. 3 boys (19, 15 & 14) and 1 girl (21, but lives on her own) and we have full custody of them as well (their mom sees them once a month if they're lucky!). I just had my first child 3 months ago and I am breasfeeding. We explained to them that I'd be breastfeeding and they were a little weird about it, but now they are used to it. I feed my daughter in my bedroom or hers. And if they need me, they knock on my door and I just say "I'm feeding her" and they know they need to wait. If I pump and store the milk in the refrigerator or freezer, they don't say anything. But they have asked questions - some I answer and some, like "how do you get the milk into the bottle", I just say "you don't want to know" and smile. I think they like that I breastfeed because formula is so expensive and I told them breastfeeding was free, so there is more money for them Good luck with everything. And I wouldn't consider not breastfeeding - it is so good for the baby and you! Why wouldn't you let the kids into your room, or the baby's room when you are feeding her? And why wouldn't you explain to them about pumping? To answer an honest question with "You don't want to know" is strange to me, because obviously they DO want to know, or they wouldn't have asked. I agree with that - they are old enough to be told what the mechanics are. By not allowing them into the room if they want, or answering their questions openly and honestly, you are doing both the boys and the girls a disservice in terms of teaching them about breastfeeding. You are missing out on a really good learning opportunity. If kids don't learn about breastfeeding from their parents, then where do they learn about it from? A book, when they are about to have a baby, and their chances of successfully breastfeeding their child will be severely diminished. I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren. Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities between a book, and familial observation. Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at 14 months and one morning bf. At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag. When my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything* about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty. I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with bottles. Jeni |
#84
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing? The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me. I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world, because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities, the better we'll do! Anne |
#85
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
Ericka Kammerer wrote: The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me. What's shocking to me is the fact that you (collective) can't get it through your fat heads that some people A.) Don't care and B.) Don't want to know. -L. |
#86
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
Anne Rogers wrote: shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this. I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing? The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me. I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world, because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities, the better we'll do! Not diplomats, but last week I joined my husband at a scientific conference - it was a very small but elite group in his field of renown scientists from around the world. At drink and dinner every night (wasn't necessary at lunch of b'fast), I popped out my boob and nursed DD She's only 11 weeks, but is at that "latch on latch off look at everything around" phase, so tho I attempted some discretion, there was exposure. Anne |
#87
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
-L. wrote: Ericka Kammerer wrote: The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me. What's shocking to me is the fact that you (collective) can't get it through your fat heads that some people A.) Don't care and B.) Don't want to know. Sure. Except this kid *asked* implying at least B, and by default if B is there, A. |
#88
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
hedgehog42 wrote: I think if you always nurse behind closed doors, you're not normalizing breastfeeding, you're reinforcing the idea that this is something sexual. It may even fuel some odd fantasies in their imaginations about how it all takes place. Worse, IMO, is that BF then functions as a dividing factor. Stepson is confiding in you about bad results of a geometry test when baby cries to be fed? "Oops -- gotta run -- we'll talk in 45 minutes -- or you can call to me through the bedroom door." You've watching a rented movie as a family when baby cries? "Can you guys put this on pause for an hour, since we have to return it tomorrow and I really wanted to see it?" When nursing's done in a matter-of-fact way -- and yes, with attempts to be discreet, even if baby disengages occasionally -- then, as several people have said, it gets to be old news (i.e., normalized) real fast. This is just a somewhat random insertion - but it got me thinking about how cultures differ so much. At FIL's last week I was looking at pics of DH as a kid, and amongst them were many pics of his mother who died when he was 16 so I never met her. many were summer pics at the beach. in most she was topless. not doing any thing sexual - picking shells with the boys, playing in the sand with the kids, etc. All perfectly natural. Needless to say I didn't need to g o hide in a room to BF at FIL's house... |
#89
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
" wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote: I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren. Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities between a book, and familial observation. Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no I consider it successful if you do it for at least 3 weeks - longer if possible. My mom bf me and my sister until weaned to a cup. I bf 4 children - for a year when she self-weaned, 8 months (when I went without her on a long trip of 6 weeks), 14 months (when we moved) and 3.5 years. My oldest daughter bf three children, my second daughter had a little more trouble with the first one, but did the 2nd one until she had to go back to work. She is an airline pilot and so could not pump while on the job, so the babies had to be weaned then. My third daughter bf three children. If you consider that only completely problem free bfing is successful, I think very few people would meet that criteria. knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from My mom was very supportive of us when we were moms. My older children got to observe my bfing my son who was 10 years younger than the oldest. I never pumped - did not even consider it, so they had no knowledge of that, and had to pick up that on their own. my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at 14 months and one morning bf. At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag. When my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything* about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty. My approach if I was in my own home was to allow whoever was visiting to deal with it. It was MY home. [unless it was someone I wasn't interested in interacting with them in which case I'd retire to the bedroom]. Of course in my day, we didn't go out AT ALL until after the baby was 3 weeks, and we stayed in the hospital for three or four days after delivery. So I wasn't dealing with being out in public for several weeks. I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with bottles. Jeni grandma Rosalie Mom to 4 (dd#1 age 45, dd#2 age 43, dd#3 age 38, ds age 35) grandmom to 10 (dgs age 26, dgd age 24, dgs would be 15 if still living, dgs age 13, dgs age 12, dgs age 12, dgd age 10, dgs age 8, dgd age 6, dgd age 5 and dgd b Dec 2005) |
#90
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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman (that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to just keep the peace. "this is our house and there are things here that are not open to discussion." Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you take this as an answer and be happy with it?? This is really a matter of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who is a little wacky. I love my husband and my step-sons. But I do enjoy the alone time my daughter and I have when I nurse. My house can be a little hectic with the kids and their friends in and out all day, so it's nice to have quiet time with her. |
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