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Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's



 
 
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  #81  
Old September 22nd 06, 02:10 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
Jess
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Posts: 117
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


wrote in message
ps.com...
What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.


So? She can build a bridge and cope. That would fall under the category of
"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
discussion."

Unless you're breastfeeding her teenage son. That's an entirely different
story. Yes, I'm kidding. Kinda.

So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
uncomfortable.


I'm a stepmother too. Breastfeeding your child in your own home in a way
that's comfortable for you is so something that shouldn't even come up for
discussion between you and your SS's BM. Circle of control, different
households, all that.

Jess


  #82  
Old September 22nd 06, 04:14 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
Ericka Kammerer
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Posts: 2,293
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

wrote:
It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes. I
think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable.


Well, it's certainly your prerogative to do as you
please, but this still sounds *very* odd to me. I just
can't even begin to fathom what is so horrible about breastfeeding
that one can't do it in front of *anyone*, much less someone
living in one's own home.
And of *course* he would be uncomfortable. He's
never seen anyone breastfeed (in large part because you've kept
it secret), and the clear implication of hiding it away is that
it's something that *needs* to be hidden away. He's being
*taught* that it's something that's so icky that he *ought*
to be embarrassed to see it. If it wasn't embarrassing, you
wouldn't hide it away.

What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.


I can understand that if there's a biological mother
in the picture who is prone to going ballistic then perhaps
you have to consider irrational things. Still, it *is*
(IMO) completely irrational. I doubt I can even count the
number of children and teens, male and female, related and
unrelated that I've nursed in front of--without a single
problem, ever.

And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
don't want to step on anyone's toes.


shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.

Best wishes,
Ericka
  #83  
Old September 22nd 06, 09:05 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
[email protected]
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Posts: 77
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


Rosalie B. wrote:
"Jamie Clark" wrote:

wrote:
Wow - you and I should become friends! I have 4 step-kids as well. 3
boys (19, 15 & 14) and 1 girl (21, but lives on her own) and we have
full custody of them as well (their mom sees them once a month if
they're lucky!). I just had my first child 3 months ago and I am
breasfeeding.

We explained to them that I'd be breastfeeding and they were a little
weird about it, but now they are used to it. I feed my daughter in my
bedroom or hers. And if they need me, they knock on my door and I
just say "I'm feeding her" and they know they need to wait. If I
pump and store the milk in the refrigerator or freezer, they don't
say anything. But they have asked questions - some I answer and some,
like "how do you get the milk into the bottle", I just say "you don't
want to know" and smile. I think they like that I breastfeed because
formula is so expensive and I told them breastfeeding was free, so
there is more money for them

Good luck with everything. And I wouldn't consider not breastfeeding
- it is so good for the baby and you!


Why wouldn't you let the kids into your room, or the baby's room when you
are feeding her? And why wouldn't you explain to them about pumping? To
answer an honest question with "You don't want to know" is strange to me,
because obviously they DO want to know, or they wouldn't have asked.


I agree with that - they are old enough to be told what the mechanics
are.

By not
allowing them into the room if they want, or answering their questions
openly and honestly, you are doing both the boys and the girls a disservice
in terms of teaching them about breastfeeding. You are missing out on a
really good learning opportunity. If kids don't learn about breastfeeding
from their parents, then where do they learn about it from? A book, when
they are about to have a baby, and their chances of successfully
breastfeeding their child will be severely diminished.


I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to
another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them
has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my
sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my
mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her
brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the
youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren.

Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has
been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities
between a book, and familial observation.


Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at
14 months and one morning bf.

At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was
someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs
a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag. When
my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still
struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to
feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything*
about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a
few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I
laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told
my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he
had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased
and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of
the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult
subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty.

I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their
hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that
women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get
over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see
it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might
want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is
easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me
it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to
me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than
a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with
bottles.

Jeni

  #84  
Old September 22nd 06, 11:53 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.


I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a
women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat
or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her
older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world,
because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities,
the better we'll do!

Anne


  #85  
Old September 22nd 06, 12:03 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
-L.
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Posts: 192
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.


What's shocking to me is the fact that you (collective) can't get it
through your fat heads that some people A.) Don't care and B.) Don't
want to know.

-L.

  #86  
Old September 22nd 06, 12:58 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
cjra
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Posts: 1,015
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


Anne Rogers wrote:
shrug Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.


I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a
women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat
or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her
older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world,
because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities,
the better we'll do!


Not diplomats, but last week I joined my husband at a scientific
conference - it was a very small but elite group in his field of renown
scientists from around the world. At drink and dinner every night
(wasn't necessary at lunch of b'fast), I popped out my boob and nursed
DD

She's only 11 weeks, but is at that "latch on latch off look at
everything around" phase, so tho I attempted some discretion, there was
exposure.
Anne


  #87  
Old September 22nd 06, 12:59 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
cjra
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Posts: 1,015
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


-L. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.


What's shocking to me is the fact that you (collective) can't get it
through your fat heads that some people A.) Don't care and B.) Don't
want to know.


Sure. Except this kid *asked* implying at least B, and by default if B
is there, A.

  #88  
Old September 22nd 06, 01:25 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
cjra
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Posts: 1,015
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's


hedgehog42 wrote:

I think if you always nurse behind closed doors, you're not normalizing
breastfeeding, you're reinforcing the idea that this is something
sexual. It may even fuel some odd fantasies in their imaginations about
how it all takes place.

Worse, IMO, is that BF then functions as a dividing factor. Stepson is
confiding in you about bad results of a geometry test when baby cries
to be fed? "Oops -- gotta run -- we'll talk in 45 minutes -- or you can
call to me through the bedroom door." You've watching a rented movie as
a family when baby cries? "Can you guys put this on pause for an hour,
since we have to return it tomorrow and I really wanted to see it?"

When nursing's done in a matter-of-fact way -- and yes, with attempts
to be discreet, even if baby disengages occasionally -- then, as
several people have said, it gets to be old news (i.e., normalized)
real fast.


This is just a somewhat random insertion - but it got me thinking about
how cultures differ so much.

At FIL's last week I was looking at pics of DH as a kid, and amongst
them were many pics of his mother who died when he was 16 so I never
met her. many were summer pics at the beach. in most she was topless.
not doing any thing sexual - picking shells with the boys, playing in
the sand with the kids, etc. All perfectly natural. Needless to say I
didn't need to g o hide in a room to BF at FIL's house...

  #89  
Old September 22nd 06, 01:41 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
Rosalie B.
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Posts: 984
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

" wrote:


Rosalie B. wrote:


I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to
another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them
has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my
sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my
mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her
brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the
youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren.

Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has
been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities
between a book, and familial observation.


Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no


I consider it successful if you do it for at least 3 weeks - longer if
possible. My mom bf me and my sister until weaned to a cup. I bf 4
children - for a year when she self-weaned, 8 months (when I went
without her on a long trip of 6 weeks), 14 months (when we moved) and
3.5 years.

My oldest daughter bf three children, my second daughter had a little
more trouble with the first one, but did the 2nd one until she had to
go back to work. She is an airline pilot and so could not pump while
on the job, so the babies had to be weaned then. My third daughter bf
three children.

If you consider that only completely problem free bfing is successful,
I think very few people would meet that criteria.

knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from


My mom was very supportive of us when we were moms. My older children
got to observe my bfing my son who was 10 years younger than the
oldest. I never pumped - did not even consider it, so they had no
knowledge of that, and had to pick up that on their own.

my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at
14 months and one morning bf.

At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was
someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs
a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag. When
my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still
struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to
feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything*
about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a
few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I
laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told
my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he
had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased
and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of
the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult
subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty.

My approach if I was in my own home was to allow whoever was visiting
to deal with it. It was MY home. [unless it was someone I wasn't
interested in interacting with them in which case I'd retire to the
bedroom].

Of course in my day, we didn't go out AT ALL until after the baby was
3 weeks, and we stayed in the hospital for three or four days after
delivery. So I wasn't dealing with being out in public for several
weeks.
I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their
hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that
women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get
over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see
it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might
want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is
easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me
it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to
me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than
a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with
bottles.

Jeni


grandma Rosalie

Mom to 4
(dd#1 age 45, dd#2 age 43, dd#3 age 38, ds age 35)

grandmom to 10
(dgs age 26, dgd age 24, dgs would be 15 if still living,
dgs age 13, dgs age 12, dgs age 12, dgd age 10, dgs age 8,
dgd age 6, dgd age 5 and dgd b Dec 2005)


  #90  
Old September 22nd 06, 01:58 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding,misc.kids.pregnancy,misc.kids
[email protected]
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Posts: 15
Default Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
just keep the peace.

"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to

discussion."

Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
take this as an answer and be happy with it?? This is really a matter
of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
is a little wacky.

I love my husband and my step-sons. But I do enjoy the alone time my
daughter and I have when I nurse. My house can be a little hectic with
the kids and their friends in and out all day, so it's nice to have
quiet time with her.

 




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