MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his
criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but
recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in
kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some
things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he
has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we
talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things
and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he
loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother
him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets
rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior.
Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and
I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's
heredity. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting
form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned
out fine, it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's
like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am
not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his
step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every
so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really
discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is
the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological
brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my
responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help
than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say
raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those
of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going
through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid
and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just
wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you
may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his
behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG!

Kristina wrote in
ups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).
if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with
the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school.
it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may
have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability,
central processing disorder,etc)
my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly
improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble
if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that
torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can
choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work
on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be
on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3-
4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his
favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18
kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language,
cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit
at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or
chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above
grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level
classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for
reading & math).
i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the
principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal,
high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being
an automaton.

the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek
councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's
father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6
years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy.
oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give
him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do
to help you.
lee

In article , enigma says...

Kristina wrote in
oups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).

Ditto on what Lee said, and I'd like to really warn against either looking for
"criminal" traits in him, or extrapolating his current behavior to teen
behavior. He is not his biological father, and there are many huge
developmental changes between six and the teen years.

You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)?
Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities
every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also
gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also
give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him
from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for
advice for you.

And really beware of the sefl-fulfilling prophecy effect. Behavior from a
perfectly normal six year old, not knowing that history, would be dismissed as a
six year old with a lot of energy, knowing that history, he can barely act or
speak without people thinking of that history. So I would leave that thought
behind. The only person that needs to worry about all of that would be his
physician should he ever need any evaluation.

But first get an energy outlet for him and a level-setting experience for you -
get him into Cub Scouts (he would start as a Tiger).

Banty

"Kristina" wrote in message
ups.com...
I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his
criminal biological father.

um ....

My son is a great kid (normally) but
recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in
kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some
things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he
has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we
talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things
and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he
loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother
him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets
rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior.
Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and
I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's
heredity.

No, it's not heredity ... it's environmental.

I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting
form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned
out fine,

Yet, you managed to have a child with a criminal and are having marrage
problems that effect your child. Doesn't sound 'fine' to me.

it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's
like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am
not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his
step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every
so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really
discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is
the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological
brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my
responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help

Therapy

than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say
raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those
of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going
through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid
and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just
wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you
may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his
behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG!


Sounds like you have a pretty normal kid w/ screwed up parents.

On 21 Oct 2007 05:53:58 -0700, Banty wrote:

You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)?
Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities
every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also
gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also
give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him
from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for
advice for you.

That's actually quite true. When I see DS in the Tiger Cubs, he is
acutally quite well behaved. What he does do is normal. Before that, I was
worried he was misbehaving too much.

On Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:58:02 -0000, Kristina wrote:


behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG!

I read a few books when DS was going through a tough jag. I hit on one
that worked wonders. It's called Parenting the Strong-willed Child by Rex
Forehand. I followed their 5 week program as well as I could. It was
nothing other books don't recommend, but it gave exact instructions on how
to implement everything. I could see results starting the first week and
every week after that, which just kept me going. It was the best thing I
ever did as a parent.

?In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid
and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just
wants to act a damn fool.

Sounds like most of the 6-y/o's I know. You need to really evaluate
the situation with the teacher. It sounds as though your son needs a
teacher who can get through to him what consequences are in HER
classroom. A 6-y/o is smart enough to know how far he can take things
and with whom - changing from situation to situation. When a teacher
softly says "Son, what is the class doing right now?" "What should you
be doing now?" or offers gentle reminders, they are all really
acceptable to some kids. Afterall, the teacher doesn't seem miffed and
doesn't seem to mind offering all of these reminders. Yet, if that
teacher were willing to be more firm, instead of expecting that YOU
can make the difference for HER expectations IN HER classroom, she
would get much farther and you would see a huge improvement. Tell that
teacher that you are not opposed to your child being sent to the
office for a stern talking to, for a sit-out of recess as a
consequence, etc. and watch how quickly your child gets the gentle
messages that are being offered to him today about what is and what is
not considered acceptable by that teacher.

On Oct 21, 4:58 am, Kristina wrote:
I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his
criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but
recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in
kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some
things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he
has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we
talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things
and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he
loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother
him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets
rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior.
Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and
I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's
heredity. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting
form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned
out fine, it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's
like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am
not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his
step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every
so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really
discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is
the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological
brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my
responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help
than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say
raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those
of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going
through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid
and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just
wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you
may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his
behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG!

The behaviors you are describing does not sound criminal except if
there is something you are not telling us. Six years olds seem to go
through a sound type of terrible twos stage. They want their own way
and feel like they know and can do everything etc. And they start
picking sides more at this point. You will find that they wilI act
totally different with different people. Your son has chosen you and
they usually tend to pick the mother over school. Any one he spends
the most time with. They tend to identify with those they are around
the most. I know of six year olds like this. You are not alone. I do
no think your son inherited his fathers criminal genes. It may just
be that your negative view of his father may be affecting him.

How you treat your son now will definitely have an effect on your son
later. Parents should not change their expectations of their children
just because they are older. Basically teach your child to clean his
room now and later it will be a habit. You know the saying, "train up
a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart
from it."

travelbug
http:gatesofrighteousness.blogspot.com

On Oct 21, 8:27 am, enigma wrote:
Kristina wrote roups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).
if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with
the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school.
it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may
have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability,
central processing disorder,etc)
my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly
improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble
if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that
torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can
choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work
on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be
on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3-
4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his
favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18
kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language,
cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit
at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or
chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above
grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level
classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for
reading & math).
i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the
principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal,
high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being
an automaton.

the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek
councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's
father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6
years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy.
oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give
him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do
to help you.
lee

I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A
CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF
FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU
HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND
OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! Due to the
lifestyle his father has chosen, my son does not have any dealings
with his biological father. He knows he has another father (besides
my husband) but we don't talk about his biological father AT ALL FOR
ANY REASON. My husband has been my sons father since my son was
8months old and the biological knows and accepts that my son is happy
and has stated that he hopes none of his sons turn out to be like
him. He also is hearing the same things from his other children's
mothers and they can't seem to figure out what happened.

My son is a wonderful child and he has been tested and has no learning
disabilities. His teacher and his doctor chalk it up to him trying to
fit in because his behavior is usually something they brag about
amongst their co-workers and lately he has started to be something
that they scratch their heads over. Those who know my son have often
said there has been such a drastic change in behavior. My son isn't
doing things like stealing and hurting anyone, it's just that when you
get used to the loving, intelligent child and then all of a sudden he
starts lying and what not, you kinda have to scratch your head and
wonder what's happening.

I work with his teacher who tells me that minus the behavior issues,
he is a delight to have in class. He's helpful, he does his work with
no problem, he gets excited about homework and class work. He is
eager to answer questions and all the things that we are used to but
then it's like the light changes and he acts different.

I thank you for everything that you have said and most of it I have
already thought myself. I posted here b/c I was hoping to get some
different ideas. BTW: I don't expect my son to turn out to be a
criminal, actually I have high hopes for him. He wants to be like his
daddy (my husband) when he grows up!

On Oct 21, 8:53 am, Banty wrote:
In article , enigma says...





Kristina wrote in
oups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).

Ditto on what Lee said, and I'd like to really warn against either looking for
"criminal" traits in him, or extrapolating his current behavior to teen
behavior. He is not his biological father, and there are many huge
developmental changes between six and the teen years.

You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)?
Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities
every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also
gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also
give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him
from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for
advice for you.

And really beware of the sefl-fulfilling prophecy effect. Behavior from a
perfectly normal six year old, not knowing that history, would be dismissed as a
six year old with a lot of energy, knowing that history, he can barely act or
speak without people thinking of that history. So I would leave that thought
behind. The only person that needs to worry about all of that would be his
physician should he ever need any evaluation.

But first get an energy outlet for him and a level-setting experience for you -
get him into Cub Scouts (he would start as a Tiger).

Banty

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I have been racking my brain for some
time now on programs for 6yr old boys. Considering I don't know many
people with 6yr old boys that actually care what is going on with
their children, it's hard for me to come up with anything. My husband
has suggested sports and not that that's a bad idea but right now my
son doesn't really have an interest in sports. How do I go about
getting him into the cub scouts? No one knows about his biological
father, everyone thinks my husband is his father and I plan to keep it
that way. My son knows, my husband knows and the biological father
knows and that's all that we need to know. I TRULY APPRECIATE THE
SUGGESTION and any others that you may have. Thank you for not
attacking me like some responses I have gotten.