Positive affirmations for kids?

We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they
are fun.

Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to
increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward or
does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?

Thanks
Rachel

--

What do you mean exactly by positive parenting? I think all parents try to
raise their kids with positive parenting so I am at a loss at what you are
doing or asking. Some kids are just shy about trying new things and there is
not much you can do to switch their innate personality. You can encourage
them and/or give them time to warm up, but if at 4 yrs old, they don't want
to do something, then it is hard to make them do something. What do you want
your son to do?
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Rachel" wrote in message
...
We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if
they
are fun.

Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to
increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward
or
does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?

Thanks
Rachel

--

Rachel wrote:
We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they
are fun.

Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to
increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward or
does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?

By all means give it a try, but I'm not all that
optimistic that it will work. I think that self-esteem
ultimately only comes from working and achieving success.
If you've got a child whose temperament is to avoid new
things (I have one of those), it can be a very vicious
cycle. They don't try, so they don't succeed, so they
have even less confidence the next time around. The
not trying becomes a habit, so it becomes even harder
to screw up your courage to try the next new thing because
your habit of avoidance becomes ever more ingrained.
Since this sort of thing is often associated with
perfectionists, it's exacerbated in that they tend not
to perceive their early efforts as successful enough
(because they're not instant experts at everything)
*and* they're even less likely to buy your assurances
that they're doing well. It becomes a very tricky
sea to navigate.
Personally, since I believe that you have
to accomplish things to develop self esteem, I tended
to be more action-oriented with this. I would nudge
him into doing activities with lots and lots and lots
of support. Keep the focus on the trying and praise
for trying (it won't really work, but it's better
than feeding into the problem by praising only for
success or, worse yet, remonstrating for not doing
well enough at it). Choose activities very, very
carefully, and choose instructors even more carefully.
One of the best choices we made was dance at a school
where the teachers were really wonderful with
shy students and genuinely enjoyed the kids. It
really helped my shy kid transform into one who
was more comfortable taking some risks, because he
had a very supportive environment in which to try
new things.
The positive affirmations certainly won't
hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you
say so that even in your everyday conversation you're
not saying things that he could interpret as implying
that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.
In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you
say if they can't back it up with what they can
see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable
(or even if you have him affirm that he is strong
and capable), he's not going to really *feel*
strong and capable until he's surmounted a few
obstacles.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article ,
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

The positive affirmations certainly won't
hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you
say so that even in your everyday conversation you're
not saying things that he could interpret as implying
that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.
In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you
say if they can't back it up with what they can
see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable
(or even if you have him affirm that he is strong
and capable), he's not going to really *feel*
strong and capable until he's surmounted a few
obstacles.

It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially
about them being lovable.

I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's
boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing
so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a
loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son.

I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like
this all his life.

His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was
all his (the son's) fault.

I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their
kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they
are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to
know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER
knew how to behave and was easy to get along with.

I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell
your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is
unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and
there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was
disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their
future, and that they'd be OK some day.

WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are
unacceptable human beings?

Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article ,
"Rachel" wrote:

We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they
are fun.

It is not a crime to be slow to warm up to new things, and pushing the child
will usually be counterproductive. One of my children was like this at 2,3
and 4. I chose to say things like, "When you're ready, you can play with the
other kids," and left him to make his own decision on when to act. DS1 is
now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much hesitancy in
doing anything!

Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being
hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad.

Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in
himself and his abilities"?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

Hi Rachel, I think it's good for you to always encourage him in doing
something. Give him full support by giving praises and listening to his
problems. However, if you see that he really doesn't like certain
activities, maybe he just doesn't like them! I think you shouldn't
push him any longer. Try to introduce him to other activities which he
like more. Good luck!

Cheers,
Cinnamon Leaf
http://cinnamonleaf.lipblogs.com

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Rachel wrote:
We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks
belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if
they
are fun.

Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular
to
increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward
or
does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?

By all means give it a try, but I'm not all that
optimistic that it will work. I think that self-esteem
ultimately only comes from working and achieving success.
If you've got a child whose temperament is to avoid new
things

Yes this is DS.

(I have one of those), it can be a very vicious
cycle. They don't try, so they don't succeed, so they
have even less confidence the next time around. The
not trying becomes a habit, so it becomes even harder
to screw up your courage to try the next new thing because
your habit of avoidance becomes ever more ingrained.

This could be DS too.

Since this sort of thing is often associated with
perfectionists, it's exacerbated in that they tend not
to perceive their early efforts as successful enough
(because they're not instant experts at everything)
*and* they're even less likely to buy your assurances
that they're doing well. It becomes a very tricky
sea to navigate.
Personally, since I believe that you have
to accomplish things to develop self esteem, I tended
to be more action-oriented with this. I would nudge
him into doing activities with lots and lots and lots
of support. Keep the focus on the trying and praise
for trying (it won't really work, but it's better
than feeding into the problem by praising only for
success or, worse yet, remonstrating for not doing
well enough at it). Choose activities very, very
carefully, and choose instructors even more carefully.
One of the best choices we made was dance at a school
where the teachers were really wonderful with
shy students and genuinely enjoyed the kids. It
really helped my shy kid transform into one who
was more comfortable taking some risks, because he
had a very supportive environment in which to try
new things.

I try to encourage his efforts, e.g. if he comes to me wearing
one sock and holding the other. I say 'great, you put a sock
on by yourself'. I don't say 'why didn't you put on both socks'.
I try to model enjoying the taking part whether or not you win
the game. Even so, he does very easily get disheartenend.


The positive affirmations certainly won't
hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you
say so that even in your everyday conversation you're
not saying things that he could interpret as implying
that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.
In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you
say if they can't back it up with what they can
see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable
(or even if you have him affirm that he is strong
and capable), he's not going to really *feel*
strong and capable until he's surmounted a few
obstacles.

I see what you mean. Self-confidence has to come from
within and is cumulative.
Thank you for your insight.

Rachel


Best wishes,
Ericka

"Chookie" wrote in message
...
In article ,
"Rachel" wrote:

We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks
belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if
they
are fun.

It is not a crime to be slow to warm up to new things, and pushing the
child
will usually be counterproductive. One of my children was like this at
2,3
and 4. I chose to say things like, "When you're ready, you can play with
the
other kids," and left him to make his own decision on when to act. DS1
is
now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much hesitancy
in
doing anything!

Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being
hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad.

Good point. I don't think I send that message. I try to be supportive and
let him decide whether/when to do something. I never push him to do
something he doesn't want to do.


Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in
himself and his abilities"?

When he tries to do something and doesn't manage, then gets disheartened and
says tearfully "I can't do this" or "I'm no good at this", when he can do it
and has done it successfully before.

Rachel



--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You
may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

"Stephanie" wrote in message
news:xPN3g.7882$cc.4968@trndny05...

"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
In article ,
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

The positive affirmations certainly won't
hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you
say so that even in your everyday conversation you're
not saying things that he could interpret as implying
that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.
In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you
say if they can't back it up with what they can
see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable
(or even if you have him affirm that he is strong
and capable), he's not going to really *feel*
strong and capable until he's surmounted a few
obstacles.

It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially
about them being lovable.

I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's
boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing
so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a
loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son.

I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like
this all his life.

His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was
all his (the son's) fault.

I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their
kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they
are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to
know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER
knew how to behave and was easy to get along with.

I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell
your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is
unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and
there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was
disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their
future, and that they'd be OK some day.

WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are
unacceptable human beings?

Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care


The book I am always yammering about, "Discipline For Life, Getting It
Right
WIth Children" talks a lot about the three areas of self esteem
(existence,
acheivement and mistakes) and how important it is to have strong esteem
around existence. She also talks a lot about anger without distruction and
contructive criticism, though that is not what she calls it. I cannot
remember what she calls it.

It really is a good book, says Steph the broken record.



Thanks, Steph, I'll look up the book.

Rachel

to make his own decision on when to act. DS1 is
now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much
hesitancy in
doing anything!

Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being
hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad.


I know what you are saying. My daughter, who is now 6, used to be so
painfully shy and unsure of herself. She would cringe at the thought of
say her dad hearing her sing a song versus me. I couldn't get her to
let go of me when we went to my mom's. Heck, she didn't even speak to
my mom or dad until she was like 4. I was so worried that she would
have a hard time at preschool and school, but you would never know it
is the same kid. She is just more cautious in certain situations, but
she doesn't hesitate to sing straight out loud anymore, etc. I also
just recently read an online article about how the positive parenting
of the 80-90s has turned out a whole slew of children who believe all
is good all the time who don't know how to handle disappointment or
constructive criticism who also have a real sense of entitlement. So
they offered a bunch of alternatives in certain circumstances such as
"You should not say 'Good try buddy.'" after they fail a test, but
instead "What can we do to do better on the next test." and things like
that. I'm not claiming to know the balance, but I know some kids like
that. I also never pushed my kids and always just offered encouragement
to try something new, and they did and do when they were/are ready. I
was a kid terrified of embarrassing myself and I just always tried to
ensure that my kids wouldn't feel the same way because I feel like I
missed out on a lot. I do know though that this was all me and nobody
else was to blame.