Dad brainwashing son

Hello all,
I was searching the web and came across this site.
My ex just came into my childrens lives after 9 years.He never had
anything to do with them when we divorced and two years later I
feel in love with a man who took on the roll as a father figure in my
childrens lives and has raised my children with me for 7 years now.In
Jan. this year the ex came back around wanted a relationship with the
kids and I was happy to have some time to relax and not have to worry
about them one weekend out of a month ya no....the way it should be.I
thought all was going well until my daughter told me that the dad is
bad mouthing me and my husband to the kids calling us all sorts of
names and saying it is my fault he was not around all the years.
He has stoped child support as well 3months ago.My daughter who is 16
says she is not going back to his home because of the constant talk
about how bad of parents my husband and I are and when she has asked
him to stop it is worse.
My son is 13 and was very young when his dad and I divorced so he
doesnt really know him and likes being at the dads home with friends he
has made there.Thing is my son now talks to me like I am trash off the
street yelling at me the way I was treated with his father and when I
tell him to stop he will curse me.
I have tried everything to make my son see that he does not need to
speak to me like this but he continues.His father told me that my son
hates my home and wants to live with him now.....
I am speachless over this news and cant believe it.My daughter thinks
my son will get over this and not to let him go.I do not plan to let my
son go live there but how can you make the ex stop turning the child
against you.My ex should be thanking my husband and I for all we have
done for the children instead of calling us names and acting as a
child.
Sorry this is so long.
I am hopeing someone will have something to say about this.......

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 1 Aug 2006 19:10:32 -0700, the following was
posted in blue dry erase marker:

Hello all,
I was searching the web and came across this site.
My ex just came into my childrens lives after 9 years.He never had
anything to do with them when we divorced and two years later I
feel in love with a man who took on the roll as a father figure in my
childrens lives and has raised my children with me for 7 years now.In
Jan. this year the ex came back around wanted a relationship with the
kids and I was happy to have some time to relax and not have to worry
about them one weekend out of a month ya no....the way it should be.

Huh? How things should be is mommy and daddy living together and
teaching the children, by example, what a good relationship looks like.

First off, hopping of ya, 'Kate and going back to the OP...
It's funny how when speaking of the ex, it is *my* child or children.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't think very highly about B's bio-dad,
but never do I badmouth him (in case someone wanted to go down that road,
I'll say that right now)
If I like it or not, B is OUR son biologically...
On the same topic, I was talking with my girl friend the other day about
another friend (long story short, she shut her maintenance file with her
daughter's dad, and her new hubby is peeing razors over this)... Anyways, to
the OP, before there was you, the children and your current husband, there
was you and your ex and the children. Something to ponder, as at one point,
long before your husband, there was your ex.

I
thought all was going well until my daughter told me that the dad is
bad mouthing me and my husband to the kids calling us all sorts of
names and saying it is my fault he was not around all the years.

Maybe that's how he feels about what happened. Maybe bias in the family
court system made you the default parent. Maybe he got screwed out of
knowing his children and watching them grow up.

Not always, but often this is the case. Also, you're right. Who knows what
he's actually thinking or feeling other than him? There's ALWAYS 2 sides to
every story.

He has stoped child support as well 3months ago.

Oh well. Either get it enforced or let it go.

I agree. It definitely seems that most single parents would rather see
their child(ren) know the other parent, see them, spend time with them, bond
with them, etc., as no, it's not all about the money. As far as child
support goes, nuts to that. If you get it, good for you. If not, oh well.
This, 'Ooooh, woe is me!' has to go for a lot of people. How many people
survive as single parents with $0 paid for children? There's other ways to
survive if you don't see a dime.

My daughter who is 16
says she is not going back to his home because of the constant talk
about how bad of parents my husband and I are and when she has asked
him to stop it is worse.

Why is she the one making all the sense in this household?

Because the adults in the house can't or won't? Was that a trick question?
:P

My son is 13 and was very young when his dad and I divorced so he
doesnt really know him and likes being at the dads home with friends he
has made there.

Good for him for wanting to know his dad and making the best of things.
He sure didn't ask for you and his father to divorce or for this kind of
animosity between you and his father.

Yup. Kids don't pick their mommies and daddies. Mommy and Daddy picked
eachother. If he wants to know his dad, good. He should be entitled to
make that choice, as he is at an age where he's old enough to make decisions
for himself, as far as something like that goes. No, I do not agree with
badmouthing the other parent, not under any circumstances - that just points
to lack of maturity. Children of all ages have no control if parents are
scrapping it out. Children seem to also have a hard time dealing with such
things that they really don't understand.

Thing is my son now talks to me like I am trash off the
street yelling at me the way I was treated with his father and when I
tell him to stop he will curse me.
I have tried everything to make my son see that he does not need to
speak to me like this but he continues.His father told me that my son
hates my home and wants to live with him now.....

Seriously, your son is 13. Haven't you taught him that other people
sometimes have different views? Or to not treat you disrespectfully? Why
would you accept that behavior regardless of what you think is a reason
- that he learned it from your ex? I'm sure he learned a lot of things
that he knows better than to try at home. Set standards - same as
always. He's 13, not 21. It's your home. You make the rules. The minute
you argue or fight back to defend yourself, you've become fair game. It
takes two to play.

I think there might be some lack of parental control, maybe. I have a 5
year old that I'm currently working on about how sometimes you just don't
follow things that others do - be it behaviour you know is wrong or language
you know you shouldn't use. I'd hope, at 13, he's well aware that proper
respect should be in place. My 5 year old knows that if he mouths off,
talks back, misbehaves or does something generally disrespectful (to others,
property, whatever) there will be something to deal with. If my son, at 13,
started to act as you said your son is acting, I think heads would be
flying. I would hope by 13, a child has been taught the basics of respect
for others, especially towards their parent.

I am speachless over this news and cant believe it.My daughter thinks
my son will get over this and not to let him go.I do not plan to let my
son go live there but how can you make the ex stop turning the child
against you.My ex should be thanking my husband and I for all we have
done for the children instead of calling us names and acting as a
child.

I can't imagine expecting thanks from an ex for the privilege of raising
one's own children.

Sorry this is so long.
I am hopeing someone will have something to say about this.......

You can't make your ex do anything anymore than you can make him pay
child support, be nice to you and your children, and accept how things
are now. It'd be nice if we could just want things and have them happen,
huh?

Yes, actually, there's a lot of things I'd want - nice big, beautiful home
complete with a maid, butler and gardener...
....If only... lol

wrote in message
ups.com...
Hello all,
I was searching the web and came across this site.
My ex just came into my childrens lives after 9 years.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... points to newsgroup name This is
alt.support.single-parents, not soc.support.bash-the-ex. you want the 3rd
door down the hallway on the left.

He never had
anything to do with them when we divorced and two years later I
feel in love with a man who took on the roll as a father figure in my
childrens lives and has raised my children with me for 7 years now.In
Jan. this year the ex came back around wanted a relationship with the
kids and I was happy to have some time to relax and not have to worry
about them one weekend out of a month ya no....the way it should be.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... Why on Earth would you think that you
get the children all the time, and their father only gets them 1 weekend a
month ya no? (what's a month ya no, anyway?). And how did you decide this
is the way it should be?


I
thought all was going well until my daughter told me that the dad is
bad mouthing me and my husband to the kids calling us all sorts of
names and saying it is my fault he was not around all the years.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... since you seem to think that the
father only gets to see the children once a month ya no (what's a month ya
no), perhaps there's a grain of truth in what he's telling the children?


He has stoped child support as well 3months ago.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... points to newsgroup name This is
support.single-parents, not alt.child-support. you want the 2nd door down
the hallway on the right.

My daughter who is 16
says she is not going back to his home because of the constant talk
about how bad of parents my husband and I are and when she has asked
him to stop it is worse.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... her relationship with her dad is
between her and her dad.


My son is 13 and was very young when his dad and I divorced so he
doesnt really know him and likes being at the dads home with friends he
has made there.Thing is my son now talks to me like I am trash off the
street yelling at me the way I was treated with his father and when I
tell him to stop he will curse me.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You're the adult in your home, as well
as the parent? You're allowed to act it, ya no (see, I'm getting the hang
of this)


I have tried everything to make my son see that he does not need to
speak to me like this but he continues.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You're the adult in your home, as well
as the parent? You're allowed to act it, ya no (see, I'm getting the hang
of this)

His father told me that my son
hates my home and wants to live with him now.....

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... why not work on your relationship with
your son, instead of worrying about what your ex says?


I am speachless over this news and cant believe it.My daughter thinks
my son will get over this and not to let him go.I do not plan to let my
son go live there but how can you make the ex stop turning the child
against you.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You hyave a cdourt order giving you
custody? Use it, ya no


My ex should be thanking my husband and I for all we have
done for the children instead of calling us names and acting as a
child.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You may want to just live your own
life, instead of trying to dictate what you think someone else should be
doing. He might have a legit complaint if you and your current have in any
way impaired his on-going relationship with the children, ya no



Sorry this is so long.
I am hopeing someone will have something to say about this.......


Read it, and then read it again.

"'Kate" wrote ...

... grass that only grows to just the right height (never needs mowing)


Concrete... that'll sort it (works for me)


... a car that will last forever


just leave it in the garage


... a computer that will never become obsolete


Dont TOMY make one of those? (mebbe Toys'r'Us)


... a self-fixing house


live with Mum & Dad *Forever*...


... corporate responsibility: to stockholders, the consumer, and its
employees.


BWAHAHAHA


... a government that backs families more than big business


ok... now you went too far... what a ridiculous fantasy...


heh. Different can of worms.


You Forgot...

A wife who never says n........ummm....

z

.... it was a *joke*.... honest...

I think you've been brainwashed by modern commericalism.

Mike

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 2 Aug 2006 15:06:26 +0100, "Zorro" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote ...

... grass that only grows to just the right height (never needs mowing)


Concrete... that'll sort it (works for me)


... a car that will last forever


just leave it in the garage


... a computer that will never become obsolete


Dont TOMY make one of those? (mebbe Toys'r'Us)


... a self-fixing house


live with Mum & Dad *Forever*...


... corporate responsibility: to stockholders, the consumer, and its
employees.


BWAHAHAHA


... a government that backs families more than big business


ok... now you went too far... what a ridiculous fantasy...


heh. Different can of worms.


You Forgot...

A wife who never says n........ummm....

z

... it was a *joke*.... honest...

I like your sense of humor.

So I'm in my most unfavorite place in the world last night (no, not
there, the other place - wally world)... and a 2 ltr bottle of soda is
98¢. At the register, the 16oz bottles were $1.19.... maybe 1/2 a liter
of soda. Ok, the first problem is that we do, on occasion, drink cola
drinks. But seriously.. what a mark up for an item that is much smaller.
There must be considerable profit in that, no? In the 70's, smaller cars
cost more than big, gas guzzlers. In the 80's, smaller computers cost
more than bigger computers; although I can understand the mark up for
items that are harder to make. Convenience.. that's the thing. There's
money in making big things smaller or more convenient, right?

I don't know where I'm going with this so.. nevermind. :-)

First off, I can understand how having the father come back after all those
years can be quite disconcerting on all parties involved, so I do feel some
sympathy for freeone.

That being said, I do pretty much agree with what everyone else is saying.
At least the dad is putting forth some effort. And frankly, you can't blame
him that he's not all rosey over the man that's raising his kids (and may
very well be doing a good job in his absence). And maybe he's jealous of
his relationship with you (yeah, that's a stretch since it's been so long,
but men are weird... I should know... anyways)

*That* being said, remind me never to complain about my ex in here.

Mike

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

wrote in message
ups.com...
Hello all,
I was searching the web and came across this site.
My ex just came into my childrens lives after 9 years.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... points to newsgroup name This is
alt.support.single-parents, not soc.support.bash-the-ex. you want the 3rd
door down the hallway on the left.

He never had
anything to do with them when we divorced and two years later I
feel in love with a man who took on the roll as a father figure in my
childrens lives and has raised my children with me for 7 years now.In
Jan. this year the ex came back around wanted a relationship with the
kids and I was happy to have some time to relax and not have to worry
about them one weekend out of a month ya no....the way it should be.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... Why on Earth would you think that
you get the children all the time, and their father only gets them 1
weekend a month ya no? (what's a month ya no, anyway?). And how did you
decide this is the way it should be?


I
thought all was going well until my daughter told me that the dad is
bad mouthing me and my husband to the kids calling us all sorts of
names and saying it is my fault he was not around all the years.


raises hand Excuse me, miss....... since you seem to think that the
father only gets to see the children once a month ya no (what's a month ya
no), perhaps there's a grain of truth in what he's telling the children?


He has stoped child support as well 3months ago.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... points to newsgroup name This is
support.single-parents, not alt.child-support. you want the 2nd door down
the hallway on the right.

My daughter who is 16
says she is not going back to his home because of the constant talk
about how bad of parents my husband and I are and when she has asked
him to stop it is worse.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... her relationship with her dad is
between her and her dad.


My son is 13 and was very young when his dad and I divorced so he
doesnt really know him and likes being at the dads home with friends he
has made there.Thing is my son now talks to me like I am trash off the
street yelling at me the way I was treated with his father and when I
tell him to stop he will curse me.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You're the adult in your home, as
well as the parent? You're allowed to act it, ya no (see, I'm getting the
hang of this)


I have tried everything to make my son see that he does not need to
speak to me like this but he continues.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You're the adult in your home, as
well as the parent? You're allowed to act it, ya no (see, I'm getting the
hang of this)

His father told me that my son
hates my home and wants to live with him now.....

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... why not work on your relationship
with your son, instead of worrying about what your ex says?


I am speachless over this news and cant believe it.My daughter thinks
my son will get over this and not to let him go.I do not plan to let my
son go live there but how can you make the ex stop turning the child
against you.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You hyave a cdourt order giving you
custody? Use it, ya no


My ex should be thanking my husband and I for all we have
done for the children instead of calling us names and acting as a
child.

raises hand Excuse me, miss....... You may want to just live your own
life, instead of trying to dictate what you think someone else should be
doing. He might have a legit complaint if you and your current have in
any way impaired his on-going relationship with the children, ya no



Sorry this is so long.
I am hopeing someone will have something to say about this.......


Read it, and then read it again.

sheesh... what is wrong with me... commercialism! I'm not sure what
commericalism is.
"Mike" wrote in message
ink.net...
I think you've been brainwashed by modern commericalism.

Mike

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 2 Aug 2006 15:06:26 +0100, "Zorro" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote ...

... grass that only grows to just the right height (never needs mowing)


Concrete... that'll sort it (works for me)


... a car that will last forever


just leave it in the garage


... a computer that will never become obsolete


Dont TOMY make one of those? (mebbe Toys'r'Us)


... a self-fixing house


live with Mum & Dad *Forever*...


... corporate responsibility: to stockholders, the consumer, and its
employees.


BWAHAHAHA


... a government that backs families more than big business


ok... now you went too far... what a ridiculous fantasy...


heh. Different can of worms.


You Forgot...

A wife who never says n........ummm....

z

... it was a *joke*.... honest...

I like your sense of humor.

So I'm in my most unfavorite place in the world last night (no, not
there, the other place - wally world)... and a 2 ltr bottle of soda is
98¢. At the register, the 16oz bottles were $1.19.... maybe 1/2 a liter
of soda. Ok, the first problem is that we do, on occasion, drink cola
drinks. But seriously.. what a mark up for an item that is much smaller.
There must be considerable profit in that, no? In the 70's, smaller cars
cost more than big, gas guzzlers. In the 80's, smaller computers cost
more than bigger computers; although I can understand the mark up for
items that are harder to make. Convenience.. that's the thing. There's
money in making big things smaller or more convenient, right?

I don't know where I'm going with this so.. nevermind. :-)

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 02 Aug 2006 06:09:29 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:

liberal snipping

Maybe that's how he feels about what happened. Maybe bias in the family
court system made you the default parent. Maybe he got screwed out of
knowing his children and watching them grow up.

Not always, but often this is the case. Also, you're right. Who knows
what
he's actually thinking or feeling other than him? There's ALWAYS 2 sides
to
every story.

I agree with you, xkatx. The presumption of rights by the OP rubbed me
the wrong way. It speaks volumes that the father came back into his
children's lives and that he paid child support all those years. Imagine
having to face the children and explain why you haven't seen them in 10
years or so.

No no, I know exactly what you meant. I think at the first read, I too felt
like you. I sat back a moment, re-read it all and then figured it out. I
actually think I do agree with you, as basically what you said was my first
impulse!

What's blatently clear is that the father and mother are still playing
out old arguments and the kids are stuck in the middle choosing sides -
daughter with mother, son with father. The longer the mother plays the
game, the worse it will get. Emotional disengagment is critical and
she's too busy thinking of a way to be right instead of looking at this
long-term. It would be good for her kids to know their father and if
they can make their way into counseling, or agree to leave the past in
the past, they may have a chance of setting a good example for their
children.

As a rule, fair fights are a must for everyone. One of the main things for
fair fighting is NOT to bring up the past. What's in the past is just
that - in the past. Get over it and move on. Forcing children to choose
sides is far from fair, mainly to the kids involved. Never should a child
have to decide who they want to side with.

Yes, actually, there's a lot of things I'd want - nice big, beautiful home
complete with a maid, butler and gardener...
...If only... lol

... grass that only grows to just the right height (never needs mowing)
... a car that will last forever
... a computer that will never become obsolete
... a self-fixing house
... corporate responsibility: to stockholders, the consumer, and its
employees.
... a government that backs families more than big business

heh. Different can of worms.

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 03 Aug 2006 00:04:05 GMT, "Mike"
the following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

First off, I can understand how having the father come back after all
those
years can be quite disconcerting on all parties involved, so I do feel
some
sympathy for freeone.

That being said, I do pretty much agree with what everyone else is saying.
At least the dad is putting forth some effort. And frankly, you can't
blame
him that he's not all rosey over the man that's raising his kids (and may
very well be doing a good job in his absence). And maybe he's jealous of
his relationship with you (yeah, that's a stretch since it's been so long,
but men are weird... I should know... anyways)

*That* being said, remind me never to complain about my ex in here.

Mike

Never complain about your ex in here.

Was that too soon?

Complaining about ex's seems to get nowhere... I'm almost certain that
everyone with an ex in situations like these have some pretty nasty thoughts
every now and then, but really...

And no, it wasn't too soon. It wasn't soon enough. Should have been
mentioned before the OP posted :P (since they seemed to have kicked the
hornet's nest around and then left!)

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 02 Aug 2006 23:56:57 GMT, "Mike"
the following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

I think you've been brainwashed by modern commericalism.

Mike

8-) It's the shrinkage... everything's smaller than it use to be.


Ummmmmm doesn't cold icy water cause that?