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#1
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
Would *I* be wrong to do this?
I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... |
#2
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"xkatx" wrote in message news:F2wGg.14547$tP4.13528@clgrps12... Would *I* be wrong to do this? I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes. You don't have the right to bar a person from their child's life. Kat, you have spent an inordinate amount of time posting of the trials and tribulations of life with Norm - despite that he was your choice, you chose to have a child with him, and you chose to have a second child with him. You may want to consider simply living your own life, concentrating your energies on making a better life for you and your children, and spending far less energy on someone or something that you will have no control over, anyway. He doesn't need an email, phone message, or letter from you stating that he shouldn't come around - he isn't coming around anyway. So the only thing contacting him, yet again, would accomplish is that you would continue to deny to yourself that you are still trying to make things work out, and he will continue to ignore your efforts, and around and around you go. Let him live his own life. Let him live with his own decisions. Let him make things right, or screw them up, all on his own. He's going to, anyway. And you might want to do the same. Not trying to slam you, Kat - but I've read your posts from the vantage point of someone old enough to be your mother...... so for the moment, I'm sounding it, too. |
#3
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"Moon Shyne" wrote in message ... "xkatx" wrote in message news:F2wGg.14547$tP4.13528@clgrps12... Would *I* be wrong to do this? I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes. You don't have the right to bar a person from their child's life. Kat, you have spent an inordinate amount of time posting of the trials and tribulations of life with Norm - despite that he was your choice, you chose to have a child with him, and you chose to have a second child with him. You may want to consider simply living your own life, concentrating your energies on making a better life for you and your children, and spending far less energy on someone or something that you will have no control over, anyway. He doesn't need an email, phone message, or letter from you stating that he shouldn't come around - he isn't coming around anyway. So the only thing contacting him, yet again, would accomplish is that you would continue to deny to yourself that you are still trying to make things work out, and he will continue to ignore your efforts, and around and around you go. Let him live his own life. Let him live with his own decisions. Let him make things right, or screw them up, all on his own. He's going to, anyway. And you might want to do the same. Not trying to slam you, Kat - but I've read your posts from the vantage point of someone old enough to be your mother...... so for the moment, I'm sounding it, too. No, I think, deep down, this is almost what I wanted and needed to hear from someone else on the complete outside who doesn't have a reason to side one way or the other. I'm not trying to be rude, testy, whatever, but if I don't have the right to bar him from the kids, why is it that he can do that for himself? I just get so tired of seeing the look, mainly on B's face, when HE tells the kid that he'll be here and then, as usual, I get stuck trying to come up with a reason as to why. A 5 year old just doesn't understand why he is told one thing and then the complete opposite happens. Do I not have the right to limit who comes in and out the house door? Is keeping the people that should mean the most to the kids away when all they see is his back turning on them and walking out on them more often than not, complete with lies right to their faces wrong? I ask because I honestly don't know. I'm torn between what I think and what I hear. Our friends - mutual friends we have - have told me to just shut him out, if he calls, don't answer, if he shows up, don't answer the door. In ways I do see where this is coming from, but other ways I don't think this is the right way to deal with it. I also don't think that him coming and going when he feels like it is fair to the kids on any level. It's also extremely hard for me to find a way to move on with my own life with these kinds of actions. He'll come over whenever it's convenient for him - not sure why. It makes it extremely difficult as just when *we* (the kids and I) get into the swing of things, he shows up which then - I know - causes confusion for them. My family seems to be more willing and able to offer help and support - any type - when I do not constantly open the door to him when he's good and ready for a day or two or whatever. Right now, he is of no help or support to me, or us, and my family is. It's also hard to take what friends and family say because I feel like they're obviously fairly directly involved in some ways and I know it's hard for me to make a fair judgement with people who, I feel, side with me and against him. It just seems to make it so hard, as even with one of my girl friends, who's boyfriend is Norm's friend (on occasion, it seems) both of them (friend + her bf) say the same thing. Even Norm's sister and brother have said that they wouldn't put up with this, tell him to get lost and slam him with support payments. I don't really see this as being the answer to any problem at all. |
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"xkatx" wrote in message news:TIJGg.14583$365.7602@edtnps89... "Moon Shyne" wrote in message ... "xkatx" wrote in message news:F2wGg.14547$tP4.13528@clgrps12... Would *I* be wrong to do this? I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes. You don't have the right to bar a person from their child's life. Kat, you have spent an inordinate amount of time posting of the trials and tribulations of life with Norm - despite that he was your choice, you chose to have a child with him, and you chose to have a second child with him. You may want to consider simply living your own life, concentrating your energies on making a better life for you and your children, and spending far less energy on someone or something that you will have no control over, anyway. He doesn't need an email, phone message, or letter from you stating that he shouldn't come around - he isn't coming around anyway. So the only thing contacting him, yet again, would accomplish is that you would continue to deny to yourself that you are still trying to make things work out, and he will continue to ignore your efforts, and around and around you go. Let him live his own life. Let him live with his own decisions. Let him make things right, or screw them up, all on his own. He's going to, anyway. And you might want to do the same. Not trying to slam you, Kat - but I've read your posts from the vantage point of someone old enough to be your mother...... so for the moment, I'm sounding it, too. No, I think, deep down, this is almost what I wanted and needed to hear from someone else on the complete outside who doesn't have a reason to side one way or the other. I'm not trying to be rude, testy, whatever, but if I don't have the right to bar him from the kids, why is it that he can do that for himself? Because he gets to decide how he wants to live his life - and what involvement he wants to have with his child. It's no different from my ex, who stopped seeing the kids over 4 years ago - and it'll continue that way for as long as he chooses to. I have never barred him from seeing the kids, nor will I. He does it all on his own, which is just fine. He has only himself to blame. Relistically, kids are smart. Mine don't want to see their dad anymore - they're quite angry with him. Yours will come to their own conclusions in their own time. For now, all you can do is love them, be there for them, and love them some more. I just get so tired of seeing the look, mainly on B's face, when HE tells the kid that he'll be here and then, as usual, I get stuck trying to come up with a reason as to why. Don't. You don't need to make excuses for someone else. If B asks what happened, you can tell him the truth - that you don't know, and that B can ask him the next time he sees him. A 5 year old just doesn't understand why he is told one thing and then the complete opposite happens. Life isn't fair. He's already learned that, in other areas. Do I not have the right to limit who comes in and out the house door? Yes - except when it's the child's other parent and there is no legal reason to keep them away - like a TRO for abuse, for example. Now, with B, I think you have a different situation, if I remember your story - Norm isn't B's father, right? So he has no legal rights to B, and yes, you can bar him from seeing B or spending time with him - he isn't B's parent. A, on the other hand, you have to allow access - though if Norm keeps disappearing, it's pretty much a moot point. He isn't around for you to bar access. Is keeping the people that should mean the most to the kids away when all they see is his back turning on them and walking out on them more often than not, complete with lies right to their faces wrong? I ask because I honestly don't know. We all have to decide what we think is morally, ethically and legally right. Keeping a parent away from their child is wrong on all 3 counts, since there is no record of abuse. On the other hand, you don't have the bestest track record in deciding which people should mean the most to the kids, true? Time for you to break that pattern, Kat - YOU are the one who means the most to your kids. So quit taking YOU and giving it to people who don't deserve it, and give it to people who do - B and A. I'm torn between what I think and what I hear. Our friends - mutual friends we have - have told me to just shut him out, if he calls, don't answer, if he shows up, don't answer the door. And you're not required to answer your phone - it's there for YOUR convenience, not the caller's convenience. You are also not required to answer your door when there is an unexpected knock. But do you really want to teach your children that living their life includes hiding? In ways I do see where this is coming from, but other ways I don't think this is the right way to deal with it. I also don't think that him coming and going when he feels like it is fair to the kids on any level. Probably so - but again, you can't control what he does. All you can do is set your own, far more healthy example, for your children. And while you probably don't want to hear this, providing a healthy example means that you need to stop hooking up with someone, getting pregnant repeatedly, well before you've actually determined that this is someone who is good for you, or for your children. It's time you think about your kids, and make THEM the priority - they didn't ask for this mess. SO you need to show them that education is important by getting one of your own. You need to show them that working hard, and supporting yourself is important by getting a job and working hard to support them. You need to show them that even if money is tight, you still have the blessings of a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes to wear, and enough love to fill all the hearts. What you don't need it to bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend, having a string of children along the way. It's also extremely hard for me to find a way to move on with my own life with these kinds of actions. That's because you're spending all of your energy stressing about him. Let him go. Let it go. Tomorrow, wake up. Get the kids up. Working with them, get your house in order. Then, take them for a walk. Go to a park. Take a ball, and play catch with them. Start learning to put your energy into your children - they need it a hell of a lot more than a grown man who can't manage to get his act together He'll come over whenever it's convenient for him - not sure why. Because you let him. Next time he shows up, grab the kids and head out the door - and apologize profusely to him as you leave, letting him know that you were on your way out, and if he would call ahead of time, you'll be sure to have the children ready. And then keep walking. Go to the park. Feed the geese. Toss a ball. Push them on swings. Whatever it is, that makes you spend your energy on your kids. You owe it to them. It makes it extremely difficult as just when *we* (the kids and I) get into the swing of things, he shows up which then - I know - causes confusion for them. Move, if you have to. Move in with family if you have to. YOU are responsible for getting your life together, and you can spend all of your energy making excuses and blaming it on him, but the reality is that the only thing stopping you from getting on with your life is you. My family seems to be more willing and able to offer help and support - any type - when I do not constantly open the door to him when he's good and ready for a day or two or whatever. Take the help. Tell them you need a place for 6-months or 12-months, to live, while you try to get your life in order. Then, use that 6-months or 12-months wisely - find a place for you and the children to live, find yourself a job that pays, get the child support services on each of your children that you need, apply for food stamps, welfare, whatever you need to get you through until you can stand on your own two feet. But do it. Right now, he is of no help or support to me, or us, and my family is. It's also hard to take what friends and family say because I feel like they're obviously fairly directly involved in some ways and I know it's hard for me to make a fair judgement with people who, I feel, side with me and against him. Then stop talking to them about it. Tell them it's no longer up for discussion - that you are trying to get your own life in order, and his life is not something you want to waste your time talking about. You're not an innocent victim here, and he will control what you do for as long as you let him. So how long are you going to let him? It just seems to make it so hard, as even with one of my girl friends, who's boyfriend is Norm's friend (on occasion, it seems) both of them (friend + her bf) say the same thing. Even Norm's sister and brother have said that they wouldn't put up with this, tell him to get lost and slam him with support payments. I don't really see this as being the answer to any problem at all. So start your life tomorrow - call social services, and start getting all of the intake appointments and applications done. Your children have fathers, they need to be helping to support these children. You also have an obligation to support your children, so get yourself to welfare (or whatever they call it in Canada) and get the public assistance you need - and make sure it includes job training. You will continue to be at the mercy of these sort of men (and admit it, there's been a series of them, 3 as best as I can tell) - and start working towards getting yourself in a place where you are no longer at their mercy, not for money, not for love, not for approval - you need to provide those things for yourself, first. Then, you are beholden to no man (or woman) Now, go clean up your room. Mom says so. |
#5
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
xkatx wrote:
Would *I* be wrong to do this? You sound frustrated! 1st thing I'd recommend is send the kids to the folks for the night and then go and take a nice hot bubble bath. Soak for a couple of hours if you feel like it. The main point is to relax. Then re-read this post and the others. 21 years ago I was Norm. Doing the exact ( well pretty close to anyway ) things he's doing. So I may be able to give you some insights to what may happen in the Future. I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes, by all means YOU should cut the ties with Norm. That means No Overnight visits, no Sex, No meeting for drinks. Coffee/Soda would be ok if the conversation is about the kids & held is some semi public place ( ie The park, Coffee Shop etc..) Not in your house. If your still so much in love with him, meeting in your home could ignite those feelings again, and if he's like I was, He'll try his damdest to manipulate you into doing just that. Keeping the house off limits to him, hopefully, will give you a place ( physically & Mentally ) to escape to. Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. You should keep some avenue of communication open with him. I'm not sure what would work best for you. Pick one, and stick to it. E-mail with a Phone follow up maybe?? Remember he may be ill-responsible, but he is still the father of the kids. Pretty soon he will either change and become more active in the kids life, or he will disappear. Also do not block any type of communication from Norm to the kids. At least Holiday & birthday cards. Phone calls...??? Well Use your best judgement at the time. Kids will remember that kind of stuff and the tables may turn on you later in life, which you don't want. I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. Let them do the work, That's what they get paid for. Besides They will go after the most they can get. If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... Rule #1-- Never bash /put down / Say anything negative to ( or in front of ) your kids about your Ex. A simple "I don't know" should be your response. They will learn and you won't be making excuses. Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? I can see one of three things happening 1 He'll change his way and become more active in the kid's life 2 He'll just blow you off and ignore you and anything you may say and still hound you. 3 He may disappear and either show up years in the future or not at all. Is it wrong to say that??? I don't know. You may feel better immediately afterwards, then feel like a **** later on. I believe in keeping it simple. Simply tell him " Look..Your not happy, I'm not happy, the kids are not happy....What's happening has got to stop. It would may be best if you just left and when your really ready then call me" Then give him a chance to speak by asking " What do you think??" If he starts with the "Feel sorry for me routine", then steer the conversation back on-line. The way I interpret your thoughts is if you actually said it like that you would put him on the defensive and nothing good would get accomplished from then on. The thought is right, just not its presentation. I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... Good luck Alex |
#6
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"Alex" wrote in message ... xkatx wrote: Would *I* be wrong to do this? You sound frustrated! 1st thing I'd recommend is send the kids to the folks for the night and then go and take a nice hot bubble bath. Soak for a couple of hours if you feel like it. The main point is to relax. Then re-read this post and the others. I'm pretty sure I am frustrated... When I was pregnant with A, I had worked sooooo hard to cut down on my smoking. Did VERY well for cutting down - went from *almost* a pack a day down to about 8-10 a day... Big difference from about 20-25 in a single day! Now it's back to how it was, possibly even worse... It's easily a pack a day, which is disgusting, EXPENSIVE, and gross. I really do think it's my frustration, as the increase has been over the last 2ish months. A bubble bath of sorts sounds, actually, REALLY nice right now. Getting rid of the kids, though, might be a bit of a challenge... My parents are working during the week, which makes sleepovers wait until the weekends. My mom also doesn't really enjoy doing diapers Poor A is still in diapers lol Maybe I'll see about Friday or Saturday night and just relax... Get everything done the rest of this week, or maybe hop in the bath before bed... Might sleep a bit better, at the least. 21 years ago I was Norm. Doing the exact ( well pretty close to anyway ) things he's doing. So I may be able to give you some insights to what may happen in the Future. Big jerk! lol Just buggin' I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes, by all means YOU should cut the ties with Norm. That means No Overnight visits, no Sex, No meeting for drinks. Coffee/Soda would be ok if the conversation is about the kids & held is some semi public place ( ie The park, Coffee Shop etc..) Not in your house. If your still so much in love with him, meeting in your home could ignite those feelings again, and if he's like I was, He'll try his damdest to manipulate you into doing just that. Keeping the house off limits to him, hopefully, will give you a place ( physically & Mentally ) to escape to. I do love him, I do care about him. When it comes down to making a choice between the kids and him, though, the kids are my first priority. They're not able to make their own decisions, nevermind lives. He is. I do also know he's fairly miserable lately. I know he is. We have mutual friends, and every now and then I have short conversations with his sister or mom. He does talk to his mom on occasion, and the fact that he does not talk to friends and keeps to himself about things is fairly out of character for him, except when he's upset or something. Him and his brother went out one night to walk down the Ave (popular place to just kind of walk and hang out with all the different, interesting people) and his brother had told me that he had joked to Norm about picking up girls and all that, and he said Norm was dead serious when he told his brother that he is not at all interested in that - he has me and the children. His brother, I know, is also mutual ground for both of us. His brother, I know for a fact, is a real dink at times, but his brother has also been in this same position of being a knob and all that in the past. It's only been recently that his brother and I have actually communicated, though. Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. You should keep some avenue of communication open with him. I'm not sure what would work best for you. Pick one, and stick to it. E-mail with a Phone follow up maybe?? Remember he may be ill-responsible, but he is still the father of the kids. Pretty soon he will either change and become more active in the kids life, or he will disappear. Also do not block any type of communication from Norm to the kids. At least Holiday & birthday cards. Phone calls...??? Well Use your best judgement at the time. Kids will remember that kind of stuff and the tables may turn on you later in life, which you don't want. I really don't know what type of communication would be best... TBH, phone doesn't work at all, nor does email. It does seem, though, that the best is in person - there tends to be less anger face to face than over the phone, and, mind you, the very few, odd times I've called, he just outwardly refuses to return a call or call if he says he is going to. I've had the cell phone turned off most of the time, though, which I think would be his first choice to call as he can block the phone number if calling the cell. He can't block the call if he calls the house number. The fact that he doesn't call ever doesn't really bring up phone calls to the kids. They're kind of not at the age to really care about the phone anyways... B's 5 and a half, A's 1. B's only interested in calling Grandpa every time Mythbusters is on I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. Let them do the work, That's what they get paid for. Besides They will go after the most they can get. Yes, it's what they enjoy doing, I'm fairly sure. Really, it has nothing to do with the money - although money is obviously needed to survive and live. As far as how much, whatever. Obviously, I'd much rather have this 'family' back as a family again where this isn't a concern, but that ain't going to be happening any time soon. If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... Rule #1-- Never bash /put down / Say anything negative to ( or in front of ) your kids about your Ex. A simple "I don't know" should be your response. They will learn and you won't be making excuses. I usually do just give the 'I don't know' line... So often that B said the other day, "I thought you knew everything! What do you mean you don't know? That makes no sense." (A line I know I use often enough when it comes to something like, 'Why on earth did you just do *insert whatever here*? What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? That doesn't make any sense.') I have always saved my bitching and complaining for when no one's around. I've found that I've sat down and wrote things down and then crumple or rip it up after reading it over. If I really do feel the urge to **** and moan about something (him) and have the urge to say it to someone, it's ALWAYS been at night, after bed time, when I'm alone and kids are in bed. One thing I could never understand is bad mouthing the parent within earshot of the child... What does that tell them if Mommy or Daddy is a total loser? I know it wouldn't make the kid feel much better about themselves, knowing or hearing their parent is a total loser or worthless, as that other parent is still half of them - like it or not. Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? I can see one of three things happening 1 He'll change his way and become more active in the kid's life 2 He'll just blow you off and ignore you and anything you may say and still hound you. 3 He may disappear and either show up years in the future or not at all. Is it wrong to say that??? I don't know. You may feel better immediately afterwards, then feel like a **** later on. I believe in keeping it simple. Simply tell him " Look..Your not happy, I'm not happy, the kids are not happy....What's happening has got to stop. It would may be best if you just left and when your really ready then call me" Then give him a chance to speak by asking " What do you think??" If he starts with the "Feel sorry for me routine", then steer the conversation back on-line. The way I interpret your thoughts is if you actually said it like that you would put him on the defensive and nothing good would get accomplished from then on. The thought is right, just not its presentation. He does have a major anger management issue. This is as clear as day. I do know his limits and I know I have pushed buttons, but I know when to stop and when enough is enough. I do get the guilt trip type lines quite often, but even more often is the lies. Always lies, and to be honest, I really don't know what I should or shouldn't believe the second it leaves his mouth. I now just assume everything is a lie, as when I believe something he says, it turns out to be so far from the truth. At this point, I'm really not sure if I care what he thinks. I do like the "you're not happy, I'm not happy, kids aren't happy" part, although I don't think I care about what he thinks about it. Might just make it a bit more fair to offer and ask what he thinks, but really, why should the fairness only go one way? I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... Good luck Alex lol Thanks, I know I need it right now. It's kind of nice, though, to hear a perspective more from the other side, as far as how to go about it all. I don't want to cut him out of my life, and I definitely do not want to cut him out of B or A's life. I also don't want them to go through all this turmoil that has been around for a little while now, and I do think it would be different if they were older. Yes, I know, they'll eventually draw their own conclusions and make their own minds up - one way or the other - but right now, I know that's far, far in the future. I just don't see why for so long they should have to deal with this or be involved with this, because it will be a fairly long, long time before they can and will make their own choices... |
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"xkatx" wrote in message news:eAdHg.18336$tP4.10346@clgrps12... "Alex" wrote in message ... xkatx wrote: Would *I* be wrong to do this? You sound frustrated! 1st thing I'd recommend is send the kids to the folks for the night and then go and take a nice hot bubble bath. Soak for a couple of hours if you feel like it. The main point is to relax. Then re-read this post and the others. I'm pretty sure I am frustrated... When I was pregnant with A, I had worked sooooo hard to cut down on my smoking. Did VERY well for cutting down - went from *almost* a pack a day down to about 8-10 a day... Big difference from about 20-25 in a single day! Now it's back to how it was, possibly even worse... It's easily a pack a day, which is disgusting, EXPENSIVE, and gross. I really do think it's my frustration, as the increase has been over the last 2ish months. A bubble bath of sorts sounds, actually, REALLY nice right now. Getting rid of the kids, though, might be a bit of a challenge... My parents are working during the week, which makes sleepovers wait until the weekends. My mom also doesn't really enjoy doing diapers Poor A is still in diapers lol Maybe I'll see about Friday or Saturday night and just relax... Get everything done the rest of this week, or maybe hop in the bath before bed... Might sleep a bit better, at the least. 21 years ago I was Norm. Doing the exact ( well pretty close to anyway ) things he's doing. So I may be able to give you some insights to what may happen in the Future. Big jerk! lol Just buggin' I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes, by all means YOU should cut the ties with Norm. That means No Overnight visits, no Sex, No meeting for drinks. Coffee/Soda would be ok if the conversation is about the kids & held is some semi public place ( ie The park, Coffee Shop etc..) Not in your house. If your still so much in love with him, meeting in your home could ignite those feelings again, and if he's like I was, He'll try his damdest to manipulate you into doing just that. Keeping the house off limits to him, hopefully, will give you a place ( physically & Mentally ) to escape to. I do love him, I do care about him. When it comes down to making a choice between the kids and him, though, the kids are my first priority. They're not able to make their own decisions, nevermind lives. He is. I do also know he's fairly miserable lately. I know he is. We have mutual friends, and every now and then I have short conversations with his sister or mom. He does talk to his mom on occasion, and the fact that he does not talk to friends and keeps to himself about things is fairly out of character for him, except when he's upset or something. Him and his brother went out one night to walk down the Ave (popular place to just kind of walk and hang out with all the different, interesting people) and his brother had told me that he had joked to Norm about picking up girls and all that, and he said Norm was dead serious when he told his brother that he is not at all interested in that - he has me and the children. His brother, I know, is also mutual ground for both of us. His brother, I know for a fact, is a real dink at times, but his brother has also been in this same position of being a knob and all that in the past. It's only been recently that his brother and I have actually communicated, though. Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. You should keep some avenue of communication open with him. I'm not sure what would work best for you. Pick one, and stick to it. E-mail with a Phone follow up maybe?? Remember he may be ill-responsible, but he is still the father of the kids. Pretty soon he will either change and become more active in the kids life, or he will disappear. Also do not block any type of communication from Norm to the kids. At least Holiday & birthday cards. Phone calls...??? Well Use your best judgement at the time. Kids will remember that kind of stuff and the tables may turn on you later in life, which you don't want. I really don't know what type of communication would be best... TBH, phone doesn't work at all, nor does email. It does seem, though, that the best is in person - there tends to be less anger face to face than over the phone, and, mind you, the very few, odd times I've called, he just outwardly refuses to return a call or call if he says he is going to. I've had the cell phone turned off most of the time, though, which I think would be his first choice to call as he can block the phone number if calling the cell. He can't block the call if he calls the house number. The fact that he doesn't call ever doesn't really bring up phone calls to the kids. They're kind of not at the age to really care about the phone anyways... B's 5 and a half, A's 1. B's only interested in calling Grandpa every time Mythbusters is on I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. Let them do the work, That's what they get paid for. Besides They will go after the most they can get. Yes, it's what they enjoy doing, I'm fairly sure. Really, it has nothing to do with the money - although money is obviously needed to survive and live. As far as how much, whatever. Obviously, I'd much rather have this 'family' back as a family again where this isn't a concern, but that ain't going to be happening any time soon. If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... Rule #1-- Never bash /put down / Say anything negative to ( or in front of ) your kids about your Ex. A simple "I don't know" should be your response. They will learn and you won't be making excuses. I usually do just give the 'I don't know' line... So often that B said the other day, "I thought you knew everything! What do you mean you don't know? That makes no sense." (A line I know I use often enough when it comes to something like, 'Why on earth did you just do *insert whatever here*? What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? That doesn't make any sense.') I have always saved my bitching and complaining for when no one's around. I've found that I've sat down and wrote things down and then crumple or rip it up after reading it over. If I really do feel the urge to **** and moan about something (him) and have the urge to say it to someone, it's ALWAYS been at night, after bed time, when I'm alone and kids are in bed. One thing I could never understand is bad mouthing the parent within earshot of the child... What does that tell them if Mommy or Daddy is a total loser? I know it wouldn't make the kid feel much better about themselves, knowing or hearing their parent is a total loser or worthless, as that other parent is still half of them - like it or not. Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? I can see one of three things happening 1 He'll change his way and become more active in the kid's life 2 He'll just blow you off and ignore you and anything you may say and still hound you. 3 He may disappear and either show up years in the future or not at all. Is it wrong to say that??? I don't know. You may feel better immediately afterwards, then feel like a **** later on. I believe in keeping it simple. Simply tell him " Look..Your not happy, I'm not happy, the kids are not happy....What's happening has got to stop. It would may be best if you just left and when your really ready then call me" Then give him a chance to speak by asking " What do you think??" If he starts with the "Feel sorry for me routine", then steer the conversation back on-line. The way I interpret your thoughts is if you actually said it like that you would put him on the defensive and nothing good would get accomplished from then on. The thought is right, just not its presentation. He does have a major anger management issue. This is as clear as day. I do know his limits and I know I have pushed buttons, but I know when to stop and when enough is enough. I do get the guilt trip type lines quite often, but even more often is the lies. Always lies, and to be honest, I really don't know what I should or shouldn't believe the second it leaves his mouth. I now just assume everything is a lie, as when I believe something he says, it turns out to be so far from the truth. At this point, I'm really not sure if I care what he thinks. I do like the "you're not happy, I'm not happy, kids aren't happy" part, although I don't think I care about what he thinks about it. Might just make it a bit more fair to offer and ask what he thinks, but really, why should the fairness only go one way? I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... Good luck Alex lol Thanks, I know I need it right now. It's kind of nice, though, to hear a perspective more from the other side, as far as how to go about it all. I don't want to cut him out of my life, and I definitely do not want to cut him out of B or A's life. I also don't want them to go through all this turmoil that has been around for a little while now, and I do think it would be different if they were older. Yes, I know, they'll eventually draw their own conclusions and make their own minds up - one way or the other - but right now, I know that's far, far in the future. I just don't see why for so long they should have to deal with this or be involved with this, because it will be a fairly long, long time before they can and will make their own choices... If you interfere with the kid and the father, you will have that on your conscience. If you can live with that, fine. In my situation, I couldn't so my daughter's father could see her whenever he wanted. No, that wasn't much but atleast I know in my heart I did nothing to interfere. I sleep at night knowing he spent as much time with her as he wanted. You also need to consider that it might be very uncomfortable for him to see the kids with you around. Maybe that prevents him from coming over. How do you react when he is there? (No need to answer that, just think about it) What happen to the father of your other kid? I feel for your kids, truly. They don't ask to be put in such situations. But kids rebound from a lot. They have to, don't they? |
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"Tiffany" wrote in message news:RclHg.20572$Te.1788@trnddc07... "xkatx" wrote in message news:eAdHg.18336$tP4.10346@clgrps12... "Alex" wrote in message ... xkatx wrote: Would *I* be wrong to do this? You sound frustrated! 1st thing I'd recommend is send the kids to the folks for the night and then go and take a nice hot bubble bath. Soak for a couple of hours if you feel like it. The main point is to relax. Then re-read this post and the others. I'm pretty sure I am frustrated... When I was pregnant with A, I had worked sooooo hard to cut down on my smoking. Did VERY well for cutting down - went from *almost* a pack a day down to about 8-10 a day... Big difference from about 20-25 in a single day! Now it's back to how it was, possibly even worse... It's easily a pack a day, which is disgusting, EXPENSIVE, and gross. I really do think it's my frustration, as the increase has been over the last 2ish months. A bubble bath of sorts sounds, actually, REALLY nice right now. Getting rid of the kids, though, might be a bit of a challenge... My parents are working during the week, which makes sleepovers wait until the weekends. My mom also doesn't really enjoy doing diapers Poor A is still in diapers lol Maybe I'll see about Friday or Saturday night and just relax... Get everything done the rest of this week, or maybe hop in the bath before bed... Might sleep a bit better, at the least. 21 years ago I was Norm. Doing the exact ( well pretty close to anyway ) things he's doing. So I may be able to give you some insights to what may happen in the Future. Big jerk! lol Just buggin' I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes, by all means YOU should cut the ties with Norm. That means No Overnight visits, no Sex, No meeting for drinks. Coffee/Soda would be ok if the conversation is about the kids & held is some semi public place ( ie The park, Coffee Shop etc..) Not in your house. If your still so much in love with him, meeting in your home could ignite those feelings again, and if he's like I was, He'll try his damdest to manipulate you into doing just that. Keeping the house off limits to him, hopefully, will give you a place ( physically & Mentally ) to escape to. I do love him, I do care about him. When it comes down to making a choice between the kids and him, though, the kids are my first priority. They're not able to make their own decisions, nevermind lives. He is. I do also know he's fairly miserable lately. I know he is. We have mutual friends, and every now and then I have short conversations with his sister or mom. He does talk to his mom on occasion, and the fact that he does not talk to friends and keeps to himself about things is fairly out of character for him, except when he's upset or something. Him and his brother went out one night to walk down the Ave (popular place to just kind of walk and hang out with all the different, interesting people) and his brother had told me that he had joked to Norm about picking up girls and all that, and he said Norm was dead serious when he told his brother that he is not at all interested in that - he has me and the children. His brother, I know, is also mutual ground for both of us. His brother, I know for a fact, is a real dink at times, but his brother has also been in this same position of being a knob and all that in the past. It's only been recently that his brother and I have actually communicated, though. Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. You should keep some avenue of communication open with him. I'm not sure what would work best for you. Pick one, and stick to it. E-mail with a Phone follow up maybe?? Remember he may be ill-responsible, but he is still the father of the kids. Pretty soon he will either change and become more active in the kids life, or he will disappear. Also do not block any type of communication from Norm to the kids. At least Holiday & birthday cards. Phone calls...??? Well Use your best judgement at the time. Kids will remember that kind of stuff and the tables may turn on you later in life, which you don't want. I really don't know what type of communication would be best... TBH, phone doesn't work at all, nor does email. It does seem, though, that the best is in person - there tends to be less anger face to face than over the phone, and, mind you, the very few, odd times I've called, he just outwardly refuses to return a call or call if he says he is going to. I've had the cell phone turned off most of the time, though, which I think would be his first choice to call as he can block the phone number if calling the cell. He can't block the call if he calls the house number. The fact that he doesn't call ever doesn't really bring up phone calls to the kids. They're kind of not at the age to really care about the phone anyways... B's 5 and a half, A's 1. B's only interested in calling Grandpa every time Mythbusters is on I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. Let them do the work, That's what they get paid for. Besides They will go after the most they can get. Yes, it's what they enjoy doing, I'm fairly sure. Really, it has nothing to do with the money - although money is obviously needed to survive and live. As far as how much, whatever. Obviously, I'd much rather have this 'family' back as a family again where this isn't a concern, but that ain't going to be happening any time soon. If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... Rule #1-- Never bash /put down / Say anything negative to ( or in front of ) your kids about your Ex. A simple "I don't know" should be your response. They will learn and you won't be making excuses. I usually do just give the 'I don't know' line... So often that B said the other day, "I thought you knew everything! What do you mean you don't know? That makes no sense." (A line I know I use often enough when it comes to something like, 'Why on earth did you just do *insert whatever here*? What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? That doesn't make any sense.') I have always saved my bitching and complaining for when no one's around. I've found that I've sat down and wrote things down and then crumple or rip it up after reading it over. If I really do feel the urge to **** and moan about something (him) and have the urge to say it to someone, it's ALWAYS been at night, after bed time, when I'm alone and kids are in bed. One thing I could never understand is bad mouthing the parent within earshot of the child... What does that tell them if Mommy or Daddy is a total loser? I know it wouldn't make the kid feel much better about themselves, knowing or hearing their parent is a total loser or worthless, as that other parent is still half of them - like it or not. Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? I can see one of three things happening 1 He'll change his way and become more active in the kid's life 2 He'll just blow you off and ignore you and anything you may say and still hound you. 3 He may disappear and either show up years in the future or not at all. Is it wrong to say that??? I don't know. You may feel better immediately afterwards, then feel like a **** later on. I believe in keeping it simple. Simply tell him " Look..Your not happy, I'm not happy, the kids are not happy....What's happening has got to stop. It would may be best if you just left and when your really ready then call me" Then give him a chance to speak by asking " What do you think??" If he starts with the "Feel sorry for me routine", then steer the conversation back on-line. The way I interpret your thoughts is if you actually said it like that you would put him on the defensive and nothing good would get accomplished from then on. The thought is right, just not its presentation. He does have a major anger management issue. This is as clear as day. I do know his limits and I know I have pushed buttons, but I know when to stop and when enough is enough. I do get the guilt trip type lines quite often, but even more often is the lies. Always lies, and to be honest, I really don't know what I should or shouldn't believe the second it leaves his mouth. I now just assume everything is a lie, as when I believe something he says, it turns out to be so far from the truth. At this point, I'm really not sure if I care what he thinks. I do like the "you're not happy, I'm not happy, kids aren't happy" part, although I don't think I care about what he thinks about it. Might just make it a bit more fair to offer and ask what he thinks, but really, why should the fairness only go one way? I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... Good luck Alex lol Thanks, I know I need it right now. It's kind of nice, though, to hear a perspective more from the other side, as far as how to go about it all. I don't want to cut him out of my life, and I definitely do not want to cut him out of B or A's life. I also don't want them to go through all this turmoil that has been around for a little while now, and I do think it would be different if they were older. Yes, I know, they'll eventually draw their own conclusions and make their own minds up - one way or the other - but right now, I know that's far, far in the future. I just don't see why for so long they should have to deal with this or be involved with this, because it will be a fairly long, long time before they can and will make their own choices... If you interfere with the kid and the father, you will have that on your conscience. If you can live with that, fine. In my situation, I couldn't so my daughter's father could see her whenever he wanted. No, that wasn't much but atleast I know in my heart I did nothing to interfere. I sleep at night knowing he spent as much time with her as he wanted. Then maybe if there's nothing much to discuss, I'll let it ride. I'll let him either do his own good or bad - either cause his own positive relationship or negative one. It appears from what others have said that it wouldn't be asking or demanding too much for him to give notice - call before he comes, set a day/time of when abouts he could make it (and actually show up) or something like that. You also need to consider that it might be very uncomfortable for him to see the kids with you around. Maybe that prevents him from coming over. How do you react when he is there? (No need to answer that, just think about it) I did think about that. To be honest, and give him credit, I do think it is partly because of me, and partly him. I *feel* (I could be wrong, though, but this is what I feel anyways) that he does see what he is or isn't doing. Normally A goes running to him - whenever he'd walk in the door from work, for example, she would run to him and grab him, reach for him if he was beside me and I was carrying her, and I don't know how many times I felt like I had to pry her head away from Norm - or B - while we're trying to eat supper and I'm feeding her. That's not so much anymore, and while visiting with Grandma and Auntie at their place, B was off playing with the other kids, I was sitting around visiting with them and the neighbours, with A in her stroller, and one of the neighbours made a comment about 'Mommy's Girl' - and Donna said something like, "She's only mommy's girl until daddy is around" - without thinking I said that's only because she never ever sees him and it's like a treat when he's around. Convo was dropped immediately, and yea, I do regret that, but I couldn't handle her choice of words when she thinks *everything* is fine. I do think, though, that he is embarrassed of his own actions and doings a lot of the time. He's kind of more like a follower. If someone says something, he just goes along with it regardless. If I'm there or not, I think he feels that he has or will disappoint me, which is why he disappears. (example: Taking off with the boss to go out drinking in the afternoon, getting drunk the whole afternoon and then not coming home because he knows I'd be disappointed.) But for this type of case, yes, I have expressed being disappointed - going to the bar when you should be at work? Not coming home? I've told him that I'm alright with him going out for a few drinks or just hanging out with the guys from work. I've only asked that he call if he's planning on being home a bit later and bringing it up maybe the night before (hey, these are the plans, go for a few rounds of pool and a couple drinks after work.) - OR even calling at the time, before it's long past when he'd be home. I've even told him that I'd be less upset/disappointed/angry/whatever if it even came down to him going after work and calling when he realized he was standing in the pub. I've tried to make it clear I'd rather know he was somewhere, rather than wondering. I've even told him that if he calls at let's say 11pm (and he was supposed to be done work and home at 5) and is drunk and stranded at the bar, I'd much rather call him a cab, ask a friend to pick him up or come over to stay with the kids, or if need be, even pack the kids up. I really do believe it's the disappointing part that he runs from. If he knows damn well he's messed up, he finds it easier to run and hide than admit he screwed up. I've tried so hard to be calm and not let it bother me, and have tried to make it clear that it's alright to mess up - he does it, I do it, every human makes mistakes or dumb choices - it's not the end of the world. I really don't know if I handled that wrong in the past, but I probably did at first, which didn't help for later times. What happen to the father of your other kid? B's father? Not even sure... We don't really talk. I did email him a while back around when school was out for the summer mainly because I was going to see if he could spare a bit of extra cash after the summer for when school starts. I realized the hard way just how expensive school can be, and the kid doesn't even really need much for school supplies... He does live in the city, but other than that, I've drifted away from the mutual friends and places we'd often run into eachother at. We really don't talk much at all. I feel for your kids, truly. They don't ask to be put in such situations. But kids rebound from a lot. They have to, don't they? I guess they do... If Norm calls, then fine. If he stops by unexpectedly or uninvited, I don't think I'll grab the kids and say we're just walking out the door (if that isn't the real case) but I won't rearrange existing plans to his liking. Maybe next time I see him or we talk, I'll let him know that. Last time we talked, I did tell him that the door is always open to him, and he said he knows that. Maybe I'll just say if he wants to drop by, or for us to come over (as he only rides a bike and doesn't drive) I would appreciate a bit of notice just in case we do have other plans. |
#9
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"xkatx" wrote in message news:F2wGg.14547$tP4.13528@clgrps12... Would *I* be wrong to do this? I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? You can... But you can't cut his ties to his children... Since he doesn't return messages (phone calls, emails, IMs, etc.) should I just from now on cut all the ties with him? I'm just sick of everything being on *his* terms. I'm thinking to not answer the phone if and when he should happen to call - either tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever. If he comes to the door, not let him in and simply and calmly tell him to please leave, he's not welcome in the house. He may not be calling to talk to you... He may be calling to talk to the children or about the children... Cut all references of your past relationship with him by all means... Not those to his children... If/When he calls simply say "hey I'm so glad you called B has missed you" then hand the phone to B and go about your own business... No reference to your past relationship as obviously it's over... I was thinking of maybe typing out an email for if he ever checks his email (which I know he does rarely) and basically say that I've come to the decision based on the circumstances and what's going on that I do not care to play these games anymore with him. Don't play the game... No need to put it in writing actions speak louder than words - Stop playing... I am also not going to be dealing at all with family maintenance - I am going to let that ride out and let them do their own work and I do not want to agree (with him directly) on anything. Good idea... They do know what they are doing If I don't answer the phone/return any calls if he makes any here, would that just be downright immature or wrong? Yes and yes you are... He could be calling regarding his children... You may be angry and perhaps have every right to be... But don't hurt your children and don't put them in the middle... I'm not looking to stoop to his level. Just let him go his own way without us (the kids and I) because I really can't stand to see the look on B's face when he tells the kid that he'll be back tomorrow (or whenever he says) and then B asks and I have no explanation... It's just basically heartbreaking to hear Norm tell B directly that he'll be over to visit tomorrow after work and have B thinking about tomorrow and asking when he'll be off work and come over. You can always say then next time you are talking to Daddy you should ask him these questions cause you really don't know... Give him a hug and make no other references... N at some point will realize that you wont cover anymore and have to step up or look like an ass in front of B and you didn't have to do a thing to point it out to the kid... There's been a few times where I've had to bite my tongue because I've almost said something like he's not coming, he doesn't give a **** about any of us, he's always lying, he does his own thing and has other things to do that are more important... I've NEVER said that, but I've come close... It's difficult sometimes I admit but I've become very good at this Practice makes perfect I say... Hell I wont even allow family members to assault him in front of the children I just simply say "out of respect for the children please keep your opinion to yourself until they are at least out of earshot" Would leaving a message for him saying something along the lines of, "Please do not call or stop by uninvited." be wrong? Yes it would be wrong... I'm sure his children would love him to call at any time to converse... Stopping by uninvited is unacceptable you may be otherwise engaged... Ask him to give you at least 24 hours notice before visiting... "You clearly do not want to be a part of this family, based on your actions which speak volumes, so from now on, live your life. You clearly are happier like this, and without contact from me, I'm sure you'd be even happier, as you wouldn't have to worry about avoiding me or hiding out, as you always do. We don't *need* you to survive with the way you treat all of us and act towards us. Kids need stability, and what you are giving them is far from that." - That's basically what I have wanted to say, but would doing something like this be totally and completely wrong? Yes it would be wrong... Whether you like it or not he's a big part of your family and always will be no matter what... He will never go away as he is and always will be the children's father whether he's dad or not is another thing and it's HIS option not yours... I can easily turn the cell phone off or not answer it (if I see a blocked phone number, a number I know he's calling from or a strange number I don't recognize) - and I can do the same with the home phone. If and when we're able to move, I do plan to change phone companies and get a new phone number, which would make it all easier to not have any contact at all, but I really can't see moving being a possibility for quite some time. I'm not going to up and change my phone number until I move, as I see no point. When you change the phone number you should give it to him and his mom... They are still the children's family and should still be able to contact the children IF they choose to do so... Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this? All I want is to live my life and be happy, and how it is right now, I am far from living my life the way I want to and being happy. I don't want this for B and A either, as I know for a fact it impacts them, and definitely not in a good way as of late... I've been there and done it... My children are now almost 20 and 16... They have made up their own minds on what there father is and who their dad is... My daughter is extremely vocal on her opinion on her father and I've had to several times tell her to stop the bad mouthing when her brother is around... My son just simply shrugs his shoulders and doesn't say much... Me I thank the man daily for the 2 beautiful children he gave me because if he did nothing else in his past he gave me two of the greatest joys in my life and for that he's earned my thanks... It's been a long time for me on my own... My children have a wonderful role model now he adores the children and has been my best friend for 3 years... Life is what you make it... This group helped me so much -- Peter helped me put things in a different perspective God rest his soul I miss him dearly but what he said makes sense... Love your children, be there for them, stop making excuses for N make him accountable for his own actions, be honest with your children my line over the years simply became "I don't know... You should ask your dad why" Don't stoop to his level... Get your own life... Get him out of yours... Move on... What more can I say? HTH, Kim |
#10
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Cutting off ties and no communication?
"xkatx" wrote in message
news:TIJGg.14583$365.7602@edtnps89... "Moon Shyne" wrote in message ... "xkatx" wrote in message news:F2wGg.14547$tP4.13528@clgrps12... Would *I* be wrong to do this? I'm sure I've posted the basic idea of what's going on lately (actually, for some time now) and would I be in the wrong to cut the ties with Norm? Yes. You don't have the right to bar a person from their child's life. Kat, you have spent an inordinate amount of time posting of the trials and tribulations of life with Norm - despite that he was your choice, you chose to have a child with him, and you chose to have a second child with him. You may want to consider simply living your own life, concentrating your energies on making a better life for you and your children, and spending far less energy on someone or something that you will have no control over, anyway. He doesn't need an email, phone message, or letter from you stating that he shouldn't come around - he isn't coming around anyway. So the only thing contacting him, yet again, would accomplish is that you would continue to deny to yourself that you are still trying to make things work out, and he will continue to ignore your efforts, and around and around you go. Let him live his own life. Let him live with his own decisions. Let him make things right, or screw them up, all on his own. He's going to, anyway. And you might want to do the same. Not trying to slam you, Kat - but I've read your posts from the vantage point of someone old enough to be your mother...... so for the moment, I'm sounding it, too. No, I think, deep down, this is almost what I wanted and needed to hear from someone else on the complete outside who doesn't have a reason to side one way or the other. I'm not trying to be rude, testy, whatever, but if I don't have the right to bar him from the kids, why is it that he can do that for himself? I just get so tired of seeing the look, mainly on B's face, when HE tells the kid that he'll be here and then, as usual, I get stuck trying to come up with a reason as to why. A 5 year old just doesn't understand why he is told one thing and then the complete opposite happens. N is going to do what he wants... Once more YOU don't have to be accountable for N's behaviour... Why on earth would you come up with a reason 'why'??? Don't bother... Simply say "Next time you are talking to dad you'll have to ask him why... I don't know." Give him the hug and find him something else to occupy his time... Do I not have the right to limit who comes in and out the house door? Is keeping the people that should mean the most to the kids away when all they see is his back turning on them and walking out on them more often than not, complete with lies right to their faces wrong? I ask because I honestly don't know. At some point B himself will know that N is outright lying... Do you really want to ram it down his little throat? Would it make you feel better knowing that you are crushing your own child with what *you* think or *you* see? I'm sure B is a smart cookie... I'm sure after a few no shows and no calls that he'll catch on... He'll not thank you for allowing him to *believe* a story that you made up as to 'why' as a matter of fact he will need one person who WILL be honest and say "I really don't know why dad didn't show honey and I'm sorry you were hurt - Next time you see dad you should ask him... Lets go/do/try/watch..." whatever you have at hand to occupy him... It's so much easier... I'm torn between what I think and what I hear. Our friends - mutual friends we have - have told me to just shut him out, if he calls, don't answer, if he shows up, don't answer the door. In ways I do see where this is coming from, but other ways I don't think this is the right way to deal with it. It's not right for anyone to cut off the children... I also don't think that him coming and going when he feels like it is fair to the kids on any level. It's also extremely hard for me to find a way to move on with my own life with these kinds of actions. He'll come over whenever it's convenient for him - not sure why. It makes it extremely difficult as just when *we* (the kids and I) get into the swing of things, he shows up which then - I know - causes confusion for them. It only causes confusion because you allow it to become confusing... LOL I always welcomed dad's visit... Oh wonderful! How long are you staying? Great -- I'm going to run to the store, mall, mom's wherever... Give me a call when your visit's done and I'll be right home Pat the littles on the head... If you had something planned simply say "we'll do this tomorrow/later" whatever I'm glad your dad came to visit you! and out the door goes you... On return I would normally get something like "but I really wanted to talk to you..." etc... I always said oh ok what's up? did you want to take the kids for a weekend etc? and I ALWAYS kept my conversation geared to the children never in the past or in the hopes of regaining a present... when the convo went that way I outright said "I'm sorry I thought I made it clear that I'm done with you - I guess not well let me reiterate - I'm not interested in a relationship with you I'm only interested in your relationship with your children - Possibly to avoid conflict could you give us 24 hours notice before your next visit" My family seems to be more willing and able to offer help and support - any type - when I do not constantly open the door to him when he's good and ready for a day or two or whatever. Right now, he is of no help or support to me, or us, and my family is. It's also hard to take what friends and family say because I feel like they're obviously fairly directly involved in some ways and I know it's hard for me to make a fair judgement with people who, I feel, side with me and against him. It just seems to make it so hard, as even with one of my girl friends, who's boyfriend is Norm's friend (on occasion, it seems) both of them (friend + her bf) say the same thing. Even Norm's sister and brother have said that they wouldn't put up with this, tell him to get lost and slam him with support payments. I don't really see this as being the answer to any problem at all. What problem? Get on with your life... Get some child support and away you go... Ok... I might get a smack for this but here it is... I've read alot of your posts and what I read into them is that you actually want to be attached to this guy for whatever reason... From his response he no longer wants to deal with you or be with you... It sounds like the children are becoming pawns or tools... You may not even realize how much fuss you are creating in ther little minds... If you are going to cut ties to him on a personal level between you and he then do it... Setup a mental scenario where he's a co worker... One you aren't fond of... Deal with him only when you HAVE to and be polite... The children are your bosses and they happen to think he's a wonderful worker so you can't badmouth or bitch about him when they are around cause then that will earn you bad marks with the boss... |
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