Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)

Labor started for me around 2am Monday, Feb 9th. I went for a walk that
morning with my parents to see if it was real. The contractions didn't go
away, so I started to feel optimistic that it was actually labor.
I took a nap with my daughter and around 2pm my water broke. It wasn't a
gush, just a distinctive pop. Around 4:30 or 5pm my parents brought us
dinner (pizza, strawberries and dip). Around 6pm I had to ask them to leave
because I started feeling like I needed to hide from them during
contractions. I felt like I only wanted my DD and DH to see me during
contractions. By this time the only thing that made me feel comfortable
during the contractions was teh birth ball. I even sat on it during dinner.
After my parents left I called my doula and best friend to tell them to
leisurely make their way to my house. They arrived no more than 2 hours
later if not earlier. My contractions stalled out for about 30 minutes
until I got used to everyone being there.
Things really started getting good once my DD was put to bed and my BF's DH
put their DS to bed (she's bf'ing so she needed to bring her DH to help
watch her DS). My doula even mentioned that I just waited until everything
settled down and got quiet. I felt the most comfortable when it was just
her, me and my BF. It was the camaderie of women who had BTDT. I knew they
would know what I would need from them. When the contractions got the point
where I couldn't talk through them they would stop talking so I could have
absolute quiet during the contractions would help me feel like they
appreciated and respected what I was doing. At one point my doula even
said that I made it look easy, but it took all my concentration to relax
every muscle so it would hurt less.
Around 5am or so, after I tried to take another nap, my doula suggested that
maybe we should leave before my DD woke up. So I called my parents to come
over around 6:30am to beat DD waking up and we headed to the hospital. Right
before we left though I went to the bathroom one last time (which by the way
the toilet was the most hated thing for me, it seemed to make everything
much more painful and intense for me) and had to throw up, which told me
that things were truly getting serious and was probably in transition. I
felt bad since everyone heard me do it and it was very violent sounding.
So we got to the hospital around 6:45am or so and immediately I started to
feel out of my element. I immediately started to resent every single person
that I didn't know who saw me in labor. I felt like it was a sacred event
and people were intruding. My doula even said later that I even looked like
I my disposition even changed and lost my zone.
I went to L&D triage and was directed to the bathroom for a urine sample and
to change in the hospital gown. I was then told that I would have to lay
down for the entire time I was being monitored (which I didn't agree with)
and was also checked. I can't describe it well enough but even the memory
of this part gives me incredible anxiety. Anyway, I was forced to lay down
even though I really stressed that I didn't want to. When the nurse
examined me I totally freaked out. I started to have a huge anxiety attack.
She was not gentle with me nor talked me through it. I felt intensely
violated. I started to really feel like my voice wasn't being heard and I
was losing control. It all made me feel like a little kid all over again,
from when I was sexually abused. When the nurse was finally done (it didn't
really take that long) she told us that I was 7cm. My people all tried to
cheer me up with that good news but I couldn't view being where I was as
good at all. Around this time (with the nurse close by) I said that I wish
I had had a home birth, this didn't go over very well with her and she got
even more rude and unkind, it seemed.
I was then walked down to a labor and delivery because OMG I was actually in
labor:-). The room was one of the larger rooms so that was happy thing for
all of us. The nurse then set up my IV and then hooked me up to saline
without asking me, I only wanted the hep-lock and they knew that. Then they
called in my doctor who just got done with another delivery. He checked me
and once again (not his fault, just left over feelings from before and
anxiety) I freaked out. I couldn't handle anyone touching me in or around
my vagina, it felt horrible.
Once that was all done I was told that I could finally try out the birth
ball, but as soon as I did I was told to get back on teh bed because the
baby wasn't responding well at all to that. They tried to have me on my
sides, but the whole laying down thing really was freaking me out. My doula
finally asked me what I wanted to do and I decided to give all fours a try.
That was finally something that felt remotely good and the baby was reacting
fairly well to.
During all of this I couldn't calm myself down, I was majorly freaking out
(later we all decided that it was a bunch of factors including transition
that was doing it to me).
About 15-30 minutes after the doctor checked me the first time (about 1 hour
after I got there?) I had the undeniable urge to push. I couldn't resist
it. The nurse tried to get me to stop, but my doula talked me into doing
small grunting pushes and that helped. When the doctor came back I was 9
1/2 cm, I just had a lip left (same thing happened with DD). I don't know
when I started to really freak out but at some point I decided I had enough
and I was going to try to leave, but of course I didn't:-) And later on I
decided I needed to have a c-section, I was freaking out, it didn't feel
right, I was done. The baby through the whole thing kept on having low
heart rates
during contractions and this was making everyone nervous, even my doula (who
at
home births normally does the heartrate checks) said they would be concerned
if they
saw these rates at a home birth. Now I realize there were alot of things
going on at this
point, anxiety, transission, exhaustion, among other things. I really
wonder if I had had a
homebirth things might have been more relaxed, but I will never know.
Anyway...They were getting everything ready for a c-section and the doctor
wanted
to check me one more time. So I moved from my squatting position back onto
my back
which of course I still hated, and he checked and the baby had moved down
and he wanted me
to try to push him out after all. This was after they had already given me
the medicine to
relax the uterus.
During the whole time I was pushing the Dr kept his hands in my vagina
pushing really hard
which I detested and was freaking me out. I kept on asking him to stop but
he kept on. He
asked if I would be okay with him using a vacuum to get the baby out and I
refused (since
I have heard many bad things about it). In less than 30 minutes of pushing
Will arrived. This
was the most primal triumph I have ever felt, more than I felt with my DD.
I caught Will myself
and brought him up to my chest. Will had had his cord wrapped around his
shoulder and chest
(they called it a knapsack wrap or something), so they immediately cut his
cord.
Will was grunting with his breathing so they took him away from practically
immediately and
I didn't see him again for over an hour. That was so incredibly traumatic
for me, I didn't feel
like I had a baby. So it took me awhile to bond with him once he was
brought back, it took
practically til we got home that we relaxed with each other.

Sorry this was so long, Thanks for reading!!!
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04 (almost 4 months old!!!)

I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped
from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am
and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next
time, which might be in 5 years or so.
I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!!

Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04
"Kat" wrote in message
...
Labor started for me around 2am Monday, Feb 9th. I went for a walk that
morning with my parents to see if it was real. The contractions didn't go
away, so I started to feel optimistic that it was actually labor.
I took a nap with my daughter and around 2pm my water broke. It wasn't a
gush, just a distinctive pop. Around 4:30 or 5pm my parents brought us
dinner (pizza, strawberries and dip). Around 6pm I had to ask them to
leave
because I started feeling like I needed to hide from them during
contractions. I felt like I only wanted my DD and DH to see me during
contractions. By this time the only thing that made me feel comfortable
during the contractions was teh birth ball. I even sat on it during
dinner.
After my parents left I called my doula and best friend to tell them to
leisurely make their way to my house. They arrived no more than 2 hours
later if not earlier. My contractions stalled out for about 30 minutes
until I got used to everyone being there.
Things really started getting good once my DD was put to bed and my BF's
DH
put their DS to bed (she's bf'ing so she needed to bring her DH to help
watch her DS). My doula even mentioned that I just waited until
everything
settled down and got quiet. I felt the most comfortable when it was just
her, me and my BF. It was the camaderie of women who had BTDT. I knew
they
would know what I would need from them. When the contractions got the
point
where I couldn't talk through them they would stop talking so I could have
absolute quiet during the contractions would help me feel like they
appreciated and respected what I was doing. At one point my doula even
said that I made it look easy, but it took all my concentration to relax
every muscle so it would hurt less.
Around 5am or so, after I tried to take another nap, my doula suggested
that
maybe we should leave before my DD woke up. So I called my parents to
come
over around 6:30am to beat DD waking up and we headed to the hospital.
Right
before we left though I went to the bathroom one last time (which by the
way
the toilet was the most hated thing for me, it seemed to make everything
much more painful and intense for me) and had to throw up, which told me
that things were truly getting serious and was probably in transition. I
felt bad since everyone heard me do it and it was very violent sounding.
So we got to the hospital around 6:45am or so and immediately I started to
feel out of my element. I immediately started to resent every single
person
that I didn't know who saw me in labor. I felt like it was a sacred event
and people were intruding. My doula even said later that I even looked
like
I my disposition even changed and lost my zone.
I went to L&D triage and was directed to the bathroom for a urine sample
and
to change in the hospital gown. I was then told that I would have to lay
down for the entire time I was being monitored (which I didn't agree with)
and was also checked. I can't describe it well enough but even the memory
of this part gives me incredible anxiety. Anyway, I was forced to lay
down
even though I really stressed that I didn't want to. When the nurse
examined me I totally freaked out. I started to have a huge anxiety
attack.
She was not gentle with me nor talked me through it. I felt intensely
violated. I started to really feel like my voice wasn't being heard and I
was losing control. It all made me feel like a little kid all over again,
from when I was sexually abused. When the nurse was finally done (it
didn't
really take that long) she told us that I was 7cm. My people all tried to
cheer me up with that good news but I couldn't view being where I was as
good at all. Around this time (with the nurse close by) I said that I
wish
I had had a home birth, this didn't go over very well with her and she got
even more rude and unkind, it seemed.
I was then walked down to a labor and delivery because OMG I was actually
in
labor:-). The room was one of the larger rooms so that was happy thing
for
all of us. The nurse then set up my IV and then hooked me up to saline
without asking me, I only wanted the hep-lock and they knew that. Then
they
called in my doctor who just got done with another delivery. He checked
me
and once again (not his fault, just left over feelings from before and
anxiety) I freaked out. I couldn't handle anyone touching me in or around
my vagina, it felt horrible.
Once that was all done I was told that I could finally try out the birth
ball, but as soon as I did I was told to get back on teh bed because the
baby wasn't responding well at all to that. They tried to have me on my
sides, but the whole laying down thing really was freaking me out. My
doula
finally asked me what I wanted to do and I decided to give all fours a
try.
That was finally something that felt remotely good and the baby was
reacting
fairly well to.
During all of this I couldn't calm myself down, I was majorly freaking out
(later we all decided that it was a bunch of factors including transition
that was doing it to me).
About 15-30 minutes after the doctor checked me the first time (about 1
hour
after I got there?) I had the undeniable urge to push. I couldn't resist
it. The nurse tried to get me to stop, but my doula talked me into doing
small grunting pushes and that helped. When the doctor came back I was 9
1/2 cm, I just had a lip left (same thing happened with DD). I don't know
when I started to really freak out but at some point I decided I had
enough
and I was going to try to leave, but of course I didn't:-) And later on I
decided I needed to have a c-section, I was freaking out, it didn't feel
right, I was done. The baby through the whole thing kept on having low
heart rates
during contractions and this was making everyone nervous, even my doula
(who
at
home births normally does the heartrate checks) said they would be
concerned
if they
saw these rates at a home birth. Now I realize there were alot of things
going on at this
point, anxiety, transission, exhaustion, among other things. I really
wonder if I had had a
homebirth things might have been more relaxed, but I will never know.
Anyway...They were getting everything ready for a c-section and the doctor
wanted
to check me one more time. So I moved from my squatting position back
onto
my back
which of course I still hated, and he checked and the baby had moved down
and he wanted me
to try to push him out after all. This was after they had already given
me
the medicine to
relax the uterus.
During the whole time I was pushing the Dr kept his hands in my vagina
pushing really hard
which I detested and was freaking me out. I kept on asking him to stop
but
he kept on. He
asked if I would be okay with him using a vacuum to get the baby out and I
refused (since
I have heard many bad things about it). In less than 30 minutes of
pushing
Will arrived. This
was the most primal triumph I have ever felt, more than I felt with my DD.
I caught Will myself
and brought him up to my chest. Will had had his cord wrapped around his
shoulder and chest
(they called it a knapsack wrap or something), so they immediately cut his
cord.
Will was grunting with his breathing so they took him away from
practically
immediately and
I didn't see him again for over an hour. That was so incredibly traumatic
for me, I didn't feel
like I had a baby. So it took me awhile to bond with him once he was
brought back, it took
practically til we got home that we relaxed with each other.

Sorry this was so long, Thanks for reading!!!
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04 (almost 4 months old!!!)

I was going to say that after the way you felt violated in
the hospital, why didn't you have a homebirth, but then
I read your follow-up. I am glad the baby came without
really serious interventions like augmentation or worse
c-section and was healthy.

I am glad that you have a healty happy baby, and
I am sure that if you have another at home, that it will
be a wonderful experience for you,

Larry

"Larry McMahan" wrote in message
...
I was going to say that after the way you felt violated in
the hospital, why didn't you have a homebirth, but then
I read your follow-up. I am glad the baby came without
really serious interventions like augmentation or worse
c-section and was healthy.

I am glad that you have a healty happy baby, and
I am sure that if you have another at home, that it will
be a wonderful experience for you,

Larry

When we first arrived at the hospital I made a comment that I should have
had a homebirth. We just didn't have the foresight that I wouldn't be happy
at the hospital and save up money for a home birth. That won't be an issue
next time. Thank you Larry, I am glad Will is a happy baby and all in all I
had the birth I wanted (I just wasn't happy where I was:-)).
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

Kat wrote:

I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped
from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am
and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next
time, which might be in 5 years or so.

Sounds like you're the sort who would have a really
great time with a homebirth. Congratulations on your new
addition to the family, and I'm so glad to hear everyone
is happy and healthy.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Kat" wrote in message
...
I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital
birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped
from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am
and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next
time, which might be in 5 years or so.
I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!!

Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04



Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this, why
do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment.

Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the
trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in you
so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about
unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive homebirth
midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this board,
and I was, too, until ...

I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything I
wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through, but
it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to sell
the house just yet.

-- Dagny
Mom to Meg, 10/03
EDD 1/19/04

"Dagny" wrote in message
...

"Kat" wrote in message
...
I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital
birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and
stripped
from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I
am
and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next
time, which might be in 5 years or so.
I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!!

Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04



Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this, why
do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment.

Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the
trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in you
so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about
unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive homebirth
midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this
board,
and I was, too, until ...

I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything I
wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through,
but
it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to
sell
the house just yet.

-- Dagny
Mom to Meg, 10/03
EDD 1/19/04


I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital. Alot
of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their
convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but for
their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they
realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms. I felt so
unhappy and depressed for awhile about it all but my Best Friend, doula and
DH reminded me that I labored in peace and was very happy at home, it just
got sucked away at the hospital, no happy feelings there expect when he was
born and that was cut short.
Alot of things in the birth story still upset me and make me cry, ie him
being taken away, how the initial nurse treated me and the dr keeping his
hands on me when it wasn't necessary.
Sorry about your bad experience too, it really sucks, hopefully you will
have a better experience with your next, I'll be waiting in hopes for you.

Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Kat wrote:

I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital
birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and
stripped
from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I
am
and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next
time, which might be in 5 years or so.

Sounds like you're the sort who would have a really
great time with a homebirth. Congratulations on your new
addition to the family, and I'm so glad to hear everyone
is happy and healthy.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I'm excited about the possibility of having a third child and having a
homebirth. We'll see what happens...I have a few years to talk my DH into
it:-)
Kat
mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Kat" wrote in message
...

I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital. Alot
of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their
convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but for
their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they
realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms.

Unbelievably, my baby was taken away from me too. And she didn't have any
health problems at all. It's just that I didn't reach for her because I was
too traumatized, so my husband asked if he could hold her, and the midwife
picked her up off me and handed her to him and away she went to who knows
where. Probably the den. Nobody told DH about bonding or mentioned that he
should be sitting by me, loving me and showing me the baby and calling me
back. Since everyone else was ignoring that I was completely traumatized,
and paying attention only to my crotch, and DH knows nothing about birth ...
how could the midwife do that to me.

How could everyone we trusted do this to us and allow this to be done to us.
We were supposed to be safe, no matter where we were. You had a doula, a
friend, your husband ...

Dagny

"Dagny" wrote in message
...

"Kat" wrote in message
...

I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital.
Alot
of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their
convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but
for
their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they
realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms.

Unbelievably, my baby was taken away from me too. And she didn't have any
health problems at all. It's just that I didn't reach for her because I
was
too traumatized, so my husband asked if he could hold her, and the midwife
picked her up off me and handed her to him and away she went to who knows
where. Probably the den. Nobody told DH about bonding or mentioned that
he
should be sitting by me, loving me and showing me the baby and calling me
back. Since everyone else was ignoring that I was completely traumatized,
and paying attention only to my crotch, and DH knows nothing about birth
....
how could the midwife do that to me.

How could everyone we trusted do this to us and allow this to be done to
us.
We were supposed to be safe, no matter where we were. You had a doula, a
friend, your husband ...

Dagny


My friend, doula and husband were all taken by surprise by how freaked out I
was. We were all not prepared for what happpened, if we had been I think we
would have been able to compensate and hopefully have calmed me down. We
never expected such a incredible difference in my attitudes with my
children's births. With Maggie I was relaxed, calm, and easily encouraged.
This time I anxious practically the whole entire time, major anxiety attack,
and felt betrayed that I was even there (even though that was my choice).
What made me upset later after I had time to think about it and talk about
it, they could have observed Will while I held him. Ultimately there was
nothing wrong with him and they could have monitored him with him on me.
It's so frustrating, but I am trying to look at the bad parts as something
to learn from and also that I trusted the people with me enough to show that
side of myself.
Can I ask you what happened in your birth? It sounds like you and I are
having the same feelings from the births. You are going to have an
unassisted birth this time? How else are you preparing yourself and your
husband mentally?
Kat
Mama tO Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04