Venting: Stuck at home....

"gtonello" wrote in message
...
Marie wrote in message
. ..
Everyone is ALWAYS too
busy hanging out with their friends or babysitting for the friend I
mentioned earlier. And that's fine. But I just wish that they would've
been honest with me in the beginning and told me that they would never
be available, so I would've made other arrangements early on. But when
we moved here, they were like, "oh, you'll still be close enough so we
can watch the kids for you, and just visit with you and stuff." But
since then, I haven't had any one in their family over to "visit",
much less babysit. And like I said above, I can't really afford to pay
someone a fair rate to watch them, so....

Maybe you did something to annoy them and thats the reason that they are
'always busy'??

Have you come right out and directly asked them why they have so much time
to watch so and sos kids but no time for yours when they had previously said
they will do it anytime?

"gtonello" wrote in message
m...
Well then, any suggestions? Anything we do will cost us at least $8 in
gas, since there's nothing to do in our town. There's nowhere to have
a picnic in our town, there are no free activities or events in our
town. Everything we would do would be in another town, and the closest
is 20 miles away.

You could have a picnic in your backyard. You could go for a walk. You
could put on a CD and dance. You can watch TV. You could go out for a cup
of coffee. Get a hobby and work on it together. Do yard work. Do a
puzzle. Work on a crossword puzzle together. You can play cards or
boardgames. He can give you a pedicure (you can show him how to do this).
You can give him a massage. You can play frisbee. Have a snowball fight.
Light a fire in the fireplace and have a glass of wine. Have sex. Wash the
car. Change the car's oil. Do the grocery shopping together.

All of these things are free and you can do them together. Is the important
thing what you do or doing something together??? A 'date' with DH doesn't
have to mean dinner and a movie.

Another thought that I haven't seen anyone post (but maybe it was
mentioned). How about finding a local teenager or even middle schooler (Not
the SILs) that you could get to come over for a few hours afterschool or on
the weekend. Have her play with the kids while you are still home, but you
could at least go in the other room, close the door and relax a bit (give
yourself a manicure, read a book, take a bubble bath, sit in the yard and
have a cup of tea or whatever). You probably wouldn't have to pay her all
that much (maybe you could pay her some sort of barter: teach her how to
scrapbook, give her a cd instead of $, find something that you can do that
she wants to learn to do). If you had her come over on a day that DH had
off, you could do something with DH at home and still have some quality
time. Though I can't figure out how come you can't do that after the kids
are in bed at night, or before they get up in the morning if DH works an odd
schedule.
Tracey in CT

"gtonello" wrote in message
m...
"Karen Ray-Stewart" wrote in message
. ..
I don't expect that they owe me. But I just wonder why they will watch
this other 3 year old (who is worse than all of mine put together (I
used to watch him as well), whose mother goes out at least 2 times per
week (with her fiance, my DH's brother), but not mine. I ALWAYS give
them 2-3 weeks notice, but something always comes up. She calls the
night before, or THAT day, and they're fine with it. THAT is what I
don't understand.

Why don't you ask THEM this question? And they probably don't mind watching
ONE child. I'd much rather watch ONE three year old vs. three kids under
four at once ANY day.

(gtonello) wrote in message m...
Actually, my DH is frustrated as well, but he just pushes it down and
hides it somewhere inside. I know he misses going out as well, he just
tries to pretend that he doesn't. That was my friend who told me to
"be happy with what I have."

Thank you so much for understanding. I know I'm still young, and maybe
I'm not "entitled" to actually "go out" anywhere. But I still STRONGLY
feel that I AM entitled to solo time with my DH, in order for us to
have a good communicative relationship, am I right?

I have quickly skimmed through this thread, and you need to decide
how to make what you want and need to happen happen -- without your
relatives. There is something funny going on with your family dynamic,
and of course I can't identify it: they're lying, they punishing you,
they're scatterbrained -- whatever. In the long run it doesn't matter:
they are not going to babysit for you for whatever reasons they have
in their heads. Yes, you can resent it a little, but it won't get
you anywhere in terms of getting out of the house once in awhile.

If you have a few dollars to offer your relatives, you have a few
dollars to offer a neighbor or babysitter. Take this whole thing
out of the family realm. First of all, your relatives aren't going
to babysit anyway, so talking to them about this is a waste. Second,
you'll remove the emotional baggage that this situation is causing.

Remember to be nice to the family members as you widen your circle of
people with whom you can exchange services or hire. I don't care if
you have to go knock on stangers' doors, set a goal for yourself and
reach it. All you really need right now is one person so you could
go out once or twice a month. Don't discuss this with your family
and don't get into fake discussions anymore about their babysitting
-- knowing full well that they'll just cancel at the last minute anyway.
You should be kicking yourself in the butt a little for failing to
notice that they just never seem to be available anyway; look at all
the time you have wasted.

Now, all this effort and the money you will need to spent for your
few nights out will affect the amount of time you can spend with your
in-laws, but that's the way it goes. Don't make yourself so available for
drives out to their place if you have been (you need to save some money).
You can just be tired or too busy or whatever. I'm not suggesting that
you refuse to see them, only that you don't see them as much. Remember
to stay nice and don't discuss the babysitting non-arrangement. Whatever
the reason, they are giving you a message: we don't have time for you.
Accept the message, even if you don't understand it, and move on.

On Tue, 02 Nov 2004 20:48:09 GMT, "Tracey"
wrote:
Why don't you ask THEM this question? And they probably don't mind watching
ONE child. I'd much rather watch ONE three year old vs. three kids under
four at once ANY day.

I split up my two kids, I have about 3 sets of people who the kids
spend the night with regulary. The toddler still won't stay with
anyone else yet, but when she does, I'm outta here! ;o)
Marie

On 1 Nov 2004 12:15:06 -0800, (gtonello) scribbled:

Well then, any suggestions? Anything we do will cost us at least $8 in
gas, since there's nothing to do in our town. There's nowhere to have
a picnic in our town, there are no free activities or events in our
town. Everything we would do would be in another town, and the closest
is 20 miles away.

It sounds like you live in a small town like us, although we can get
to a larger town less than 20 miles away.

As small as our town is, we still have 3 parks. Doesn't your town
have *one single* park?? If you have a library, you likely *do* have
free activities available to you. You just need to ask. You probably
have a "town hall" in which you can inquire on all sorts of
activities.
We have activities going on most of the summer and fall, here.

Nan

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Sara
says...

dragonlady wrote:

In article ,
Sara wrote:

gtonello wrote:

Also, it's not just my MIL who's there. She has 7 daughters,
and 3 of them are old enough to be able to help out.

Wait, I'm confused (and nosey). Your husband's siblings are roughly
the
same age as your kids?

Why not?

I have an aunt (my father's sister) who is my age, and one who is two
years younger than me.

Dad was born when Grandma was 18. I was born when Dad was 18. Grandma
had her last child at 38 -- not unusually old.

In fact, my mother, one of my dad's older sisters, and my grandma were
all in the same maternity ward at the same time! My brother therefore
has an aunt and a cousin who were born the same week he was.

Oh, I know it happens. But you have to admit it's unusual.


Not really. Especially, when you consider a big family with a lot of
kids -
they'd easily be born over at least 15 years.


My husband has a brother who is 7. Our daughter is 8.

Kari

You're not being selfish, but it's possible that you're not being
realistic.

I learned shortly after having kids that everyone I meet will say
they'll babysit, but that no one actually ever will when I ask. If I ask
too far in advance, they'll forget and have other plans when the day
comes. If I don't ask far enough in advance, they'll be unavailable.
There seems to be no "sweet spot" where it's neither too far in advance,
nor too short of notice.

The bottom line is, you have to pay someone. You should pick one or two
people you trust implicitly, who you know can use the extra money, and
arraneg a schedule with them... and stick with it. Once a week, once a
month... doesn't matter, as long as it's regular so they can count on it
and so can you. They'll be less likely to flake on you because there's
money involved. It doesn't have to be a lot... but enough that they feel
they're benefitting from the arrangement.

Alternately, arrange a babysiting swap with another mom. Again, make it
a scheduled thing and stick to it.

Your friend needs to stick a fig in it... where does he get the idea
that you should stifle your feelings and just be grateful? That's
ridiculous, and strikes me as a bit sexist as well. (Moms aren't
supposed to want to have lives outside of parenting?)

You do need to have time alone with your husband. It's vital. You just
have to come up with a way to make it happen, and hoping for family to
help you doesn't seem to be working out.

Oh, and if I were in your shoes, when someone starts telling you what an
awesome time they had without you, I'd be saying "I don't want to hear
it", or look at them seriously and ask them if they're telling you just
to rub it in.

-Kalera
http://www.beadwife.com
http://www.snipurl.com/kebay


gtonello wrote:
Hi all!

I'm new here, but I needed a place to rant about my family, and I
wondered if anyone else goes through this, or if it's just me. Am I
being selfish?

I am 25 years old, and I have 3 great kids, aged 4 1/2, 3, and 17 mos.
My in-laws live about 25 min. from my house, and I don't know anyone
else in the town I live in. My hubby works 7:30-4:15 every day except
Tues. & Wed., and I'm a full-time SAHM. Here's my problem: when I had
my first daughter, my in-laws told us that they'd always be happy to
watch our kids, no matter how many we had (they have 12 themselves).
Their oldest daughter was enthusiastic, and she was a great babysitter
while I had her. Now, whenever I try and get anyone there to babysit,
either they are too busy/tired (not a problem, since MIL is a Spec. Ed
teacher, so I understand that part), or they're already booked by my
former next-door neighbor, who was my friend (she has 1 son). T (my
SIL) is constantly telling me "oh, I have to watch ***'s kid," or "I
have to work tonight, and I'm watching *** tomorrow." So I'm stuck at
home on my hubby's nights off. I haven't been out with him in about 2
months, and I feel really trapped sometimes.

And then, there are times when I don't get to go out, but everyone
(And I am not exaggerating there) does, and then a few of them come
back to me and say, "Oh my God we had such a great time, it was sooooo
awesome! We did this and that and this and then we went here and met
up with **** and decided to go out for this." They KNOW how upset I
was that we were once again stuck without a babysitter, but still feel
the need to tell me how much FUN they had without us!

Now, don't get me wrong - I LOVE my kids (I love them so much I'm
having a 4th in May of 2005!) But I'm home with them all day, all
week, and once in a while (maybe once a month?) I'd like to go out
alone with their father. Is that wrong? Should I feel bad for even
asking his parents to watch the kids (as I usually do - it seems like
I am inconveniencing them by going out)? I talked to one of my friends
about this earlier, and he told me to "focus on the positive; everyone
has problems." It seemed to me that he was brushing off my feelings,
telling me that how I felt was somehow (in some small part, anyway)
wrong. He said that I should basically be happy with what I DO have.
But why shouldn't I be able to go on a date with my hubby every once
in a while? I thought alone-time (besides sex) was important to a
married couple's relationship?

I don't know. I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed a place to vent
out my frustrations. Thanks a lot for any advice anyone might have.

G

Other possibility: find a kid in the neighborhood who can take the
older kids to the playground on a weekend afternoon, hopefully while the
baby naps. Then YOU get some time home alone with your husband ... or
even time by yourself. Even if the kid just takes your older ones to
the back yard to play, you'll come out ahead. (It may take a few
afternoons for your children to be comfortable with the sitter, and for
YOU to train this neighborhood kid the take care of yours ... but then
you'll wind up with a nearby babysitter for evening events.) I do this
with 12 and 13 year olds in my neighborhood, who aren't quite ready for
babysitting on their own. I train them up and then they sit for me for
a year or two before they realize they can make better money elsewhere :-)

If your finances are so slim that nursery school isn't in the cards,
look for nursery schools that offer scholarships or coop possibilities.
Are you eligible for HeadStart?

Hope these ideas help,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
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