Playgroup fiasco (what do you make of this?) -- long

There was a lady I met in a playgroup last year. We met maybe once or twice
outside the group and then had no contact for a year. Out of the blue, she
calls me up to set up a dinner with her family. As I recall, I said maybe
yes, but I'd have to call back to confirm. At the end of the conversation,
she said she wanted to get together because we are a mixed race couple.
They are a mixed race couple and she wanted to see what another mixed race
family was like. That turned my stomach, but oh well. I talked to DH and
he wasn't interested, so I planned to call her back, but the whole thing
eventually slipped my mind.

Fast forward to today. I see her in class and was happy to see her. We
greeted and she asked if I remembered last Christmas. I was thinking of the
conversation we had that night on the phone and said yes, she was thinking
of registering for this playgroup, but she didn't think she'd get in (we
thought she might not, since she was not from the area). She asked again if
I forgot about Christmas again, and I repeated that yes, she said she was
going to register but she didn't think she'd get in. She asked on more time
and then it dawned on me that she was talking about that day we were going
to get together. I hadn't heard from her ever since that one call. I don't
know where she lives nor she I. We hadn't sealed the deal, not that I meant
to flake off (I never make a date if I don't mean it). I meant to call her,
but I really totally forgot -- until today. I appologized right then and
there, but she started ripping at me, how she was glad she hadn't spent more
time and energy on me, how she didn't know how anyone could be so mean, how
I intend to raise DD that way, etc., right there in front of everyone. She
was nearly in tears, you'd have thought I stole her husband. I told her I
was sorry again, but she ripped again and I asked her hasn't she ever
forgotten anything? She said no. So, I thought it was a lost cause and
left to go to the other side of the room to ignore her.

She then followed me over to where I was and repeated her rant, saying how
she can't believe how I'd come to class to show my face to her after what
I'd done (?? I didn't even think she'd get into class). I told her, "Look,
I said I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. If you're still upset,
then I'm sorry." By then, I had gone from truly appologetic to exasperated.
She told me she didn't really think I was sorry and that she didn't think I
really forgot. I pretty much tried to stay away from her the rest of the
time.

Wow, I'm glad I never really got to know her. However, the exchange made
others understandably uncomfortable. At snack time, there was a big void at
our table. Poor DD was surrounded by a sea of empty chairs, though they
were filled when we got there. It was the first day for that playgroup for
DD and I. I hope they will warm up to us. Oh well.

Are you sure she remembered you? Or did she think you're someone else?
I would just ignore her. She obviously has some issues. If she behaves
this way to other people also, pretty soon people get tired of her.

I wouldn't worry too much. Crying on something like that makes me think
she's crazy.

In article . com,
" wrote:

Are you sure she remembered you? Or did she think you're someone else?
I would just ignore her. She obviously has some issues. If she behaves
this way to other people also, pretty soon people get tired of her.

I wouldn't worry too much. Crying on something like that makes me think
she's crazy.

Seconded. Other people will have similar experiences with her, and not
hold it against you. Don't let her scare you away from the playgroup.
--
Sara
accompanied by TK, due in April

Quoting, for users of Google Groups:
http://groups.google.com/support/bin...4213&topic=250

wrote in message
ups.com...
Are you sure she remembered you? Or did she think you're someone else?
I would just ignore her. She obviously has some issues. If she behaves
this way to other people also, pretty soon people get tired of her.

Well, I remembered the date after she kept asking me about it, so it's not
like she had a faulty memory. However, I wouldn't expect such venom, even
had I intentionally flaked out on her. After all, if I was upset by someone
flaking out on me (and it has to happen on multiple occasions so that I know
the person's really a flake), then I just wouldn't associate with them or
just wouldn't invite them or plan events around them. I certainly wouldn't
have been so upset. I think the group may think I've done something
horribly wrong by her to warrant such nasty comments. Although I mostly go
to those groups for my kids and not to socialize, I would hate to be
ostracized.

toypup wrote:
wrote in message
ups.com...
Are you sure she remembered you? Or did she think you're someone
else? I would just ignore her. She obviously has some issues. If she
behaves this way to other people also, pretty soon people get tired
of her.

Well, I remembered the date after she kept asking me about it, so
it's not like she had a faulty memory. However, I wouldn't expect
such venom, even had I intentionally flaked out on her. After all,
if I was upset by someone flaking out on me (and it has to happen on
multiple occasions so that I know the person's really a flake), then
I just wouldn't associate with them or just wouldn't invite them or
plan events around them. I certainly wouldn't have been so upset. I
think the group may think I've done something horribly wrong by her
to warrant such nasty comments. Although I mostly go to those groups
for my kids and not to socialize, I would hate to be ostracized.

It sounds as if she had a whole scenario worked out on into the future where
your two families would establish a friendship and then she felt let down
and rejected by her imaginary version of you. (She's not pregnant or
recently delivered is she? Hormones can do weird things to people's
emotional stability.)

It's unfortunate she also lacks the self-control and social skills to deal
with her disappointment in a more rational manner - and less public way!
(What a terrific lesson she was teaching her own child, not.) The other
people present were probably unsettled and concerned they might have to deal
with another outburst from her if they sat anywhere near you and they may
not have been able to tell how onesided the conflict part of the
conversation was.

I'd wait it out if I were you and expect people to work out who is the dotty
the one of the pair of you - it's likely to become obvious fairly soon.

As far as the original suggestion to get together is concerned I would
assume an "I'll get back to you on that" means I'll only hear something if
further arrangements are going to be made. It would seem much more rude to
call the proposer back up and say "nope, we're not interested ever, ever,
ever"! A firm invitation for a specifc date and time is a little different,
though, and would require a direct yes or no answer. However, I'm not sure
from your posts how tentative the initial suggestion was and even if it was
firm then she's entitled to think you rude but not to behave in such a rude
manner when expressing her opinion of you.

So far she's well ahead on any rudeness points!

Tai

"Tai" wrote in message
...
It sounds as if she had a whole scenario worked out on into the future
where your two families would establish a friendship and then she felt let
down and rejected by her imaginary version of you. (She's not pregnant or
recently delivered is she? Hormones can do weird things to people's
emotional stability.)

Not that I know of, but I don't really know her well. I've always thought
she was a bit strange, but not someone I needed to stay away from for any
reason, until today.

As far as the original suggestion to get together is concerned I would
assume an "I'll get back to you on that" means I'll only hear something if
further arrangements are going to be made. It would seem much more rude to
call the proposer back up and say "nope, we're not interested ever, ever,
ever"! A firm invitation for a specifc date and time is a little
different, though, and would require a direct yes or no answer. However,
I'm not sure from your posts how tentative the initial suggestion was and
even if it was firm then she's entitled to think you rude but not to
behave in such a rude manner when expressing her opinion of you.

The initial suggestion was her inviting me on a specific date. I said
tentative yes, I needed to check my schedule first to make sure there are no
conflicts. That's what I thought I said. Maybe she heard different. We
never exchanged addresses or anything. I figured I could get that when I
called her back, but I forgot about it completely.


So far she's well ahead on any rudeness points!

Thanks. I wasn't really sure how to handle her, since I've never
encountered such a situation. The most I've ever gotten from accidentally
standing someone up (and it doesn't happen very often at all, I try very
hard to avoid it), is they stop wanting to get together. That would be my
own personal reaction as well. I guess someone watching us would have
thought I skipped out as a bridesmaid on her wedding day.

toypup wrote:
"Tai" wrote in message
...
It sounds as if she had a whole scenario worked out on into the future
where your two families would establish a friendship and then she felt let
down and rejected by her imaginary version of you. (She's not pregnant or
recently delivered is she? Hormones can do weird things to people's
emotional stability.)

Not that I know of, but I don't really know her well. I've always thought
she was a bit strange, but not someone I needed to stay away from for any
reason, until today.

As far as the original suggestion to get together is concerned I would
assume an "I'll get back to you on that" means I'll only hear something if
further arrangements are going to be made. It would seem much more rude to
call the proposer back up and say "nope, we're not interested ever, ever,
ever"! A firm invitation for a specifc date and time is a little
different, though, and would require a direct yes or no answer. However,
I'm not sure from your posts how tentative the initial suggestion was and
even if it was firm then she's entitled to think you rude but not to
behave in such a rude manner when expressing her opinion of you.

The initial suggestion was her inviting me on a specific date. I said
tentative yes, I needed to check my schedule first to make sure there are no
conflicts. That's what I thought I said. Maybe she heard different. We
never exchanged addresses or anything. I figured I could get that when I
called her back, but I forgot about it completely.


So far she's well ahead on any rudeness points!

Thanks. I wasn't really sure how to handle her, since I've never
encountered such a situation. The most I've ever gotten from accidentally
standing someone up (and it doesn't happen very often at all, I try very
hard to avoid it), is they stop wanting to get together. That would be my
own personal reaction as well. I guess someone watching us would have
thought I skipped out as a bridesmaid on her wedding day.

In my many years of living all over the country in apartments, condos
and houses, I've come across my share of whackos who have suddenly just
gone off on me. Hell it happens in newsgroups from time to time (that
was a lame attempt at humor).

I've come to the conclusion that some people really and truly are nuts
and sometimes all it takes is a loook or a comment for the "crazy"
person to just let er rip. It sounds to me as if some kind of stuff is
probably going on in her life and you just happened to be the person
that got to be the recipient of her schtick. Kind of like being in the
wrong place at the wrong time. Perhaps if you never showed up at
playgroup that day, she might have gone to the bank and gone off on the
teller or the food server if she went out to lunch and they brought her
tofu fondue instead of tofu goulash. Honestly, I"m guessing that it
had nothing to do with you. People just freak out!

What to do with it now is the question because if you're anything like
I am, I'd hate to spend time around her , with her having gone off on
me like that. Perhaps in time, she'll realize what a buttface she was
or perhaps she won't. I just hope that you don't let it eat at you
since you didn't deserve it. People can just get flippin weird
sometimes. Sorry it ended up aimed at you!

toypup wrote:
There was a lady I met in a playgroup last year. We met maybe once or twice
outside the group and then had no contact for a year. Out of the blue, she
calls me up to set up a dinner with her family. As I recall, I said maybe
yes, but I'd have to call back to confirm. At the end of the conversation,
she said she wanted to get together because we are a mixed race couple.
They are a mixed race couple and she wanted to see what another mixed race
family was like. That turned my stomach, but oh well. I talked to DH and
he wasn't interested, so I planned to call her back, but the whole thing
eventually slipped my mind.

Fast forward to today. I see her in class and was happy to see her. We
greeted and she asked if I remembered last Christmas. I was thinking of the
conversation we had that night on the phone and said yes, she was thinking
of registering for this playgroup, but she didn't think she'd get in (we
thought she might not, since she was not from the area). She asked again if
I forgot about Christmas again, and I repeated that yes, she said she was
going to register but she didn't think she'd get in. She asked on more time
and then it dawned on me that she was talking about that day we were going
to get together. I hadn't heard from her ever since that one call. I don't
know where she lives nor she I. We hadn't sealed the deal, not that I meant
to flake off (I never make a date if I don't mean it). I meant to call her,
but I really totally forgot -- until today. I appologized right then and
there, but she started ripping at me, how she was glad she hadn't spent more
time and energy on me, how she didn't know how anyone could be so mean, how
I intend to raise DD that way, etc., right there in front of everyone. She
was nearly in tears, you'd have thought I stole her husband. I told her I
was sorry again, but she ripped again and I asked her hasn't she ever
forgotten anything? She said no. So, I thought it was a lost cause and
left to go to the other side of the room to ignore her.

She then followed me over to where I was and repeated her rant, saying how
she can't believe how I'd come to class to show my face to her after what
I'd done (?? I didn't even think she'd get into class). I told her, "Look,
I said I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. If you're still upset,
then I'm sorry." By then, I had gone from truly appologetic to exasperated.
She told me she didn't really think I was sorry and that she didn't think I
really forgot. I pretty much tried to stay away from her the rest of the
time.

Wow, I'm glad I never really got to know her. However, the exchange made
others understandably uncomfortable. At snack time, there was a big void at
our table. Poor DD was surrounded by a sea of empty chairs, though they
were filled when we got there. It was the first day for that playgroup for
DD and I. I hope they will warm up to us. Oh well.

It sounds like she was way out of line to me. FWIW, two other moms
(from DS#1's preschool) and I made tentative plans to go to the the
zoo together. It was a couple weeks in advance, and during that time
DS#1 moved up into the pre-k class. We didn't have each other's phone
numbers and our paths didn't cross between these dates, so the date
came and went. When I did see the moms and their kids again, nothing
was mentioned and they were just as friendly as before.

annette

In article .com,
says...


toypup wrote:
There was a lady I met in a playgroup last year. We met maybe once or twice
outside the group and then had no contact for a year. Out of the blue, she
calls me up to set up a dinner with her family. As I recall, I said maybe
yes, but I'd have to call back to confirm. At the end of the conversation,
she said she wanted to get together because we are a mixed race couple.
They are a mixed race couple and she wanted to see what another mixed race
family was like. That turned my stomach, but oh well. I talked to DH and
he wasn't interested, so I planned to call her back, but the whole thing
eventually slipped my mind.

Fast forward to today. I see her in class and was happy to see her. We
greeted and she asked if I remembered last Christmas. I was thinking of the
conversation we had that night on the phone and said yes, she was thinking
of registering for this playgroup, but she didn't think she'd get in (we
thought she might not, since she was not from the area). She asked again if
I forgot about Christmas again, and I repeated that yes, she said she was
going to register but she didn't think she'd get in. She asked on more time
and then it dawned on me that she was talking about that day we were going
to get together. I hadn't heard from her ever since that one call. I don't
know where she lives nor she I. We hadn't sealed the deal, not that I meant
to flake off (I never make a date if I don't mean it). I meant to call her,
but I really totally forgot -- until today. I appologized right then and
there, but she started ripping at me, how she was glad she hadn't spent more
time and energy on me, how she didn't know how anyone could be so mean, how
I intend to raise DD that way, etc., right there in front of everyone. She
was nearly in tears, you'd have thought I stole her husband. I told her I
was sorry again, but she ripped again and I asked her hasn't she ever
forgotten anything? She said no. So, I thought it was a lost cause and
left to go to the other side of the room to ignore her.

She then followed me over to where I was and repeated her rant, saying how
she can't believe how I'd come to class to show my face to her after what
I'd done (?? I didn't even think she'd get into class). I told her, "Look,
I said I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. If you're still upset,
then I'm sorry." By then, I had gone from truly appologetic to exasperated.
She told me she didn't really think I was sorry and that she didn't think I
really forgot. I pretty much tried to stay away from her the rest of the
time.

Wow, I'm glad I never really got to know her. However, the exchange made
others understandably uncomfortable. At snack time, there was a big void at
our table. Poor DD was surrounded by a sea of empty chairs, though they
were filled when we got there. It was the first day for that playgroup for
DD and I. I hope they will warm up to us. Oh well.

It sounds like she was way out of line to me. FWIW, two other moms
(from DS#1's preschool) and I made tentative plans to go to the the
zoo together. It was a couple weeks in advance, and during that time
DS#1 moved up into the pre-k class. We didn't have each other's phone
numbers and our paths didn't cross between these dates, so the date
came and went. When I did see the moms and their kids again, nothing
was mentioned and they were just as friendly as before.

Well, maybe not *just* as friendly.

I've had this happen to me, where tentative plans are made, and it's blown off
and phone messages are left, but nothing is heard, or at best after I've put in
a lot of effort to contact the person I hear "this came up" "that came up". I
mean, OK, plans were tentative, but tentative means "unsure, will get back to
you" NOT "mebbe if I feel like it and and nothing else comes up don't call me
I'll call you". So, although I'll be just as welcoming and conversational as
before when we meet in the grocery store, or the scout meeting, I won't be
particicpating in any plans with that person.

I mean, I won't be shooting myself in the foot over it, straining relations that
I want to keep decent for the sake of everyone getting along on field trips, and
the pleasure of visiting when I do see a person. But it's not really "just as
friendly". Friendship is a heck of a lot less likely to be pursued. You just
might not know it until the next time some kind of possible plans come up.

This woman clearly doesn't have all her lights on upstairs (or has too many!)
and is probably burning bridges right and left. But it really isn't a great
thing to blow off plans either, even tentative ones. And those who forget need
to apply some life skills to the situation and get a calendar.

Banty

"Banty" wrote in message
...
I've had this happen to me, where tentative plans are made, and it's blown
off
and phone messages are left, but nothing is heard, or at best after I've
put in
a lot of effort to contact the person I hear "this came up" "that came
up". I
mean, OK, plans were tentative, but tentative means "unsure, will get back
to
you" NOT "mebbe if I feel like it and and nothing else comes up don't call
me
I'll call you". So, although I'll be just as welcoming and conversational
as
before when we meet in the grocery store, or the scout meeting, I won't be
particicpating in any plans with that person.

There's a difference between tentative plans blown off and tentative plans
accidentally forgotten.

thing to blow off plans either, even tentative ones. And those who forget
need
to apply some life skills to the situation and get a calendar.

Those who make forgetting a habit, yes. This was a one time deal for which
I've appologized. And she should be the one to understand, as the one time
we met, she was late, and then we were to meet up again later that day and
she was late again. Then, we made plans and she blew me off (decided she
was too busy when I called back to check about it), so I stopped contacting
her until she made contact a year later for the event for which she is now
so upset.

FWIW, I hate being blown off myself, so I do tend to stop making plans with
people who always blow me off, or maybe if they are family members, I make
plans to which I can take it or leave it if they come or blow me off. My
mom was queen of blowing me off.

Had this girl stopped wanting anything to do with me, that would be fine. I
think the venom was over the top.